ptahrrific | Fake News - Five Gifts Stephen Gave Jon

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Fake News - Five Gifts Stephen Gave Jon

Title: Five Gifts Stephen Gave Jon, Because It's No More Than He Deserved, And It Was Nothing, Really
Rating: PG
Contents: A very sexy massage.
Characters/pairings: Jon/liberal!"Stephen", that puppy again
Disclaimer: Two.

For the Report characters: They and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and of course Viacom. Not mine. Sue me not, please.

And for the real people, the poem:
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what's said here is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because we like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
We don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.

Summary: Where the regular version of "Stephen" is stingy, self-absorbed, and demanding, the AU liberal version is generous, thoughtful, and giving. Also, has a bit of a kink for caretaking. From his and Jon's first live broadcast to their first night together.

Mirror on the AO3.

Five Gifts Stephen Gave Jon, Because It's No More Than He Deserved, And It Was Nothing, Really

1. One that woke him up. (November 2000)

"That can't be right," mutters Jon.

He's pretty sure he's seen the same name on three different minor officials in Florida. Although it might just be that it's well after midnight and his eyes are going crossy.

One hand sifts through his notes for the umpteenth time while the other reaches for the pizza (greasy, but it's the only place that delivers at this hour), and another set of fingers brushes his.

"Oh!" exclaims Stephen, drawing back his hand. "Sorry. You can have it."

Jon looks from the lone remaining slice to the correspondent. Stephen's the only one of them who had the sense to change out of his on-air outfit once this thing started to drag on; instead of ruining a nice crisp suit, he's in an old T-shirt and jeans that have obviously been through much worse. The only odd bit is the silk tie holding back his scraggly hair.

"You sure?" asks Jon, rubbing his eyes. "We can split it if you want."

But Stephen insists that he doesn't mind, and Jon is too tired to argue.

He chews mechanically through half the slice, perks up enough to read in a straight line, and is about to start from the top again when Stephen's voice breaks in: "You've got some — here—"

A cheap paper napkin dabs roughly at his cheek; Jon flinches. "What are you doing?"

"You had sauce on you," says Stephen matter-of-factly, holding up the red-stained napkin as evidence.

Jon raises his eyebrows. "What are you, my mother?"

Stephen's brow furrows, as if he suspects this is a riddle but can't quite peel the words away from their underlying meaning. "...No?"

"Forget it," sighs Jon, and goes back to his notes. He knows something odd just happened, but they're all a little loopy by this hour. It's not worth following up.

2. One that saved a bundle on his utility bills. (November 2002)

People have been swinging by the office all day, offering cards and gift certificates and the odd little wrapped trinket in addition to the big novelty card sitting on the desk. So it's no surprise when Stephen drops in with a box papered with last week's Sunday comics.

"It's...a shower head."

"A low-flow shower head," corrects Stephen with a proud smile. "You'll save a ton of water."

Jon turns the box over appreciatively. He's never attempted a plumbing job that didn't end with something flooding, but this actually looks pretty simple. "It's a great idea, Stephen. Thanks."

"You want to install it now?" asks Stephen, nodding towards the bathroom.

"Wait, it's for here?"

"Well, yeah! I noticed you hadn't upgraded yet, so I thought—"

"Hang on," protests Jon. "When were you in my office shower?"

Stephen shrugs. "Last week?"

"Why?"

"How else was I supposed to find out if you had a low-flow shower head already?"

Jon must be wearing a pretty gobsmacked expression, because Stephen suddenly wrings his hands. "Do you not trust me in your office alone, Jon? You know it's not like I would take anything, right?"

"Of course not," stammers Jon. "That's not — I wasn't — it's just weird, okay?"

"Okay," says Stephen, but his shoulders are hunched like a puppy that doesn't quite understand why it's been shooed off the counter.

"Listen, don't worry about it too much." Jon pries open the box and extracts the shower head, encased in a protective exoskeleton of cardboard and plastic. "You think you can help install this thing...?"

3. One that he didn't realize he needed. (March 2004)

"Jon! I wanted to ask—"

"Can it wait?" demands Jon. Maybe he's being harsh, but one of the stories playing on the TV across from him has just taken a turn for the unfunny, and if they're going to be decent human beings then they have to rewrite most of the first act. "I'm kind of stressed out right now."

"I know!" exclaims Stephen, letting himself in, though Jon is still hunched over his computer and being about as approachable as a turtle in a shell. "That's why I wanted to offer you a backrub!"

"Really not in the mood for a come-on right now, Stephen," groans Jon, fingers twisted in taut claws over the keyboard.

Stephen laughs. "You must have misheard! I said a backrub, not a blowjob. I used to give them all the time in college. Was pretty good at it, too."

He's the picture of innocent enthusiasm when Jon finally looks up at him. "Uh, Stephen? The whole reason college kids offer each other backrubs is to get in each other's pants."

"Don't be silly, Jon! Students are under a lot of stress, it's perfectly natural to...." Stephen's face falls. "Wait, are you serious?"

"As a heart attack."

"Are you sure it wasn't just the culture at your school...? No?"

He takes in Jon's slow, wordless shake of the head with dawning understanding.

"Huh. I guess that would explain why some girls seemed more frustrated after I finished."

In spite of everything, the man's earnestness makes Jon smile. And, well, his shoulders are getting pretty sore. "Hey, listen...if you've got a few minutes, I think I really would appreciate the effort."

"Really? Great!" Stephen starts to make his way into the office, then stops short. "Wait, did you want the version where a backrub really means a backrub, or the one where it secretly means a blowjob?"

"The first one."

"Okay. Because I'm completely open to a quickie in the shower, but I want to be clear up front—"

"Keep it G-rated, Colbert."

"Right, right." Stephen comes around the desk while Jon minimizes browser windows (not that any of them are particularly salacious, but he's a private person by nature and Stephen's presence kicks those instincts into overdrive). "Ready?"

"Sure."

Then Stephen's fingers are digging into his shoulder blades, and Jon lets out a sigh he didn't realize he had been holding in.

"Was that okay?" asks Stephen quickly, pulling back.

"Fine," gasps Jon. "Better than fine. Do that again."

The hands return to his shoulders, kneading them with a firmness Jon would never have thought to associate with Stephen, but it's exactly what his tired muscles need. He can feel his shoulders sagging with relief as Stephen's hands massage their way in towards his neck.

At first Jon fights not to make too much noise. Then both thumbs at once push into the same knot, and that battle ends not with a bang but an embarrassingly pornographic whimper.

Stephen, mercifully, doesn't comment. Maybe it's out of discretion, but more likely he just doesn't realize that these sorts of moans of pleasure are normally reserved for people you're about to jump into bed with. Either way, Jon counts his blessings as Stephen moves down his back, and settles for trying not to be too loud.

"You can tell that you're left-handed," remarks Stephen, voice low as his hands massage Jon's left shoulder, focusing in on a particularly tight spot. "Feel that?"

"Mmmm."

"When you write, it builds up tension right...around...here."

"Oh yes," groans Jon. He's only half listening, but at the moment he's ready to agree with pretty much anything Stephen says, would probably commit to a year at a monastery in Tibet if it got him five more minutes of feeling his muscles loosen under Stephen's touch. "Right there."

Stephen squeezes a path down to his lower back, on the other side. "And on your non-dominant side, you get knots...ah," he murmurs, as Jon gasps softly and leans forward to give him better access. "What did I tell you? Right there."

"Ngh," says Jon cleverly. "Ahh...."

Oh, this is good. It's criminal how good this feels.

He stays slumped forward as Stephen's fingers ply their way down his spine, remaining just above his hips for long enough that he starts to think maybe he should object. But he hasn't mustered nearly enough irritation before Stephen's sure touch moves back up again.

"Mmmm," he moans again, as the hands lift from his shoulders.

"How's that?" asks Stephen softly. "Better?"

Jon straightens his spine and tries an experimental stretch. All the tension in his back seems to have unwound, leaving him practically boneless. Even the crick in his neck is gone.

How did your college friends not jump you after that? he thinks, but even as a joke it will give Stephen false hope. You ought to charge for these, he thinks, but that will set Stephen off on a rant about materialism. That was tremendous, he thinks, and this seems innocuous enough, so he says it out loud.

Stephen lights up like an energy-saving fluorescent bulb. "It's really not that hard," he protests, fluttering with pleasure. "Anyone can learn. Do you want a lesson?"

"Maybe later." Jon shakes out his hands. "Gotta save these for typing."

"Oh!" exclaims Stephen. "Are your hands sore? Do you want me to take a crack at them, too?"

Jon has to stop himself from begging for it. There's no way he can let himself start moaning like that while Stephen is in a position to look into his eyes. Not that Stephen has ever cared about doing what's appropriate, but one of them has to.

"I'll manage," he says instead. "But seriously, Stephen, that was really fantastic. Thank you."

4. One that kept on giving. (November 2005)

"I didn't know what to get you this year," confesses Stephen, holding out the envelope.

"Don't sweat it," says Jon quickly. "It's not like there's a whole lot I need."

"Well, there are probably simple ways you could save energy around the office. But I haven't spent much time in the new building, so I haven't been able to check."

"We had pretty high standards for the remodelers," Jon assures him, fishing through his desk drawer for a letter opener. "Listen, you don't have to feel bad if you just got me a card."

"I felt bad anyway, though," protests Stephen. "Especially with everything you've done for me...the show is like a dream come true, and it's all thanks to you...."

"Hey now. You're the one carrying this thing."

Stephen shuffles uncomfortably. He's even more awkward about praise than Jon is, and that's saying something. "Point is, I finally just wrote a check in your honor. To the Autism National Committee. I heard they were your new favorite, ever since I showed you that Powerpoint presentation on all the reasons Autism Speaks is highly problematic."

Sure enough, the card falls out of the envelope accompanied by a thank-you letter, which Jon unfolds to see the familiar puzzle-piece logo in the corner. "Hey, thanks!" he says brightly, unfolding it. "They're an excellent organiholy—"

The number on the page stares unassumingly back at him. It can't be right. It has far too many zeroes.

"Wow," croaks Jon. He swallows and tries again. "Wow."

"You like it?" asks Stephen hopefully.

"Like it? Stephen, this is — it's got to be most of your last paycheck."

"Er." Stephen squirms. "All of it, actually."

And if someone had sent in that kind of donation without the "in honor of" attached, Jon probably would have showed up on their doorstep to thank them in person.

So where is this nagging sense of discomfort coming from?

"It's not like I needed it," continues Stephen. "And even if I did, they probably needed it more than I do. So I figured it was the least I could do."

There's no way Jon can tell him off for this — never let it be said that Jon Stewart would discourage charitable giving — but all at once it hits him that his friend is a black hole of guilt, which no amount of donation is ever going to fill.

"Hey," he says softly, holding out a hand. "You're a good man. You know that?"

Stephen looks like he wants to disagree, but all he does is clasp Jon's palm with exaggerated fervor. "It's very kind of you to say so."

5. One that he managed to repay. (July 2009)

Jon wakes alone between unfamiliar sheets.

It's the same way he's woken up every morning for the past couple of months, so he isn't too eager to jump out of bed. Then he tries to shift position, feels a weight tugging on the bedclothes, and opens his eyes to see Barry curled in a contented little ball next to his feet.

Of course. He's not in the apartment, its grey walls all but bare. He's at Stephen's house, surrounded by brightly colored artwork from every culture in the world. Also, his thighs feel like they've been sandpapered, and something smells like waffles.

All things considered, not a bad night.

Scanning the room for last night's clothes, Jon spots a chair with a grey bathrobe draped over the back and matching bunny slippers perched on the seat. He wiggles out from under the sheets as best he can without disturbing the puppy, and is pulling the clothes on when Stephen pushes open the door.

"Ah! You weren't supposed to be up yet!"

"Oh, sorry!" exclaims Jon, eyeing the tray in Stephen's hands with interest. The waffles smell even better up close, and it looks like there's sliced fruit involved too. "If I get back in bed, do I get some of that?"

"That's the plan." Stephen grins, then adds quickly, "But you don't have to. I made it for you either way. Wherever you want to eat it is fine."

Barry whuffs indignantly about being disturbed, but Jon climbs back into bed and lets Stephen settle the tray across his knees. Those are the most impressive waffles he's ever seen outside of a restaurant: drenched with syrup and piled high with whipped cream, blueberries and raspberries sprinkled over them while sliced oranges and grapes trace circles around the edge of the plate.

"You really did not have to go to all this trouble," he insists weakly, all but drooling.

"Well, I wanted to," replies Stephen matter-of-factly, handing him a fork.

Jon carves himself a mouthful of waffle. It's heavenly. Light and sweet and fluffy. A man could die happy eating this stuff.

He savors a few more bites before Barry trots over to investigate. "Sorry!" frets Stephen, scooping up the puppy just as two curious paws are planted on Jon's thigh. "I'll get him out of here. Back in a minute."

Jon's expecting Stephen to return with a plate of his own, after setting Barry up with a bowl of something less syrupy and more kibble-y. When the man returns empty-handed, Jon looks awkwardly down at the half-finished stack on his own tray. "Are you going to want any of this?"

Stephen blinks at him in slightly wounded confusion. "I made it for you...."

"I know, and it's delicious. But did you make yourself anything? I feel bad, eating when you're not."

"Oh, don't do that." Stephen hauls a chair over to the side of the bed. "I'm fine."

Jon makes it through a few more bites while Stephen watches him in silence, perched on the chair like a scruffy, long-haired Thinker.

"Come on," he protests eventually. "It can't be that interesting to watch me eat."

"You'd be surprised."

With an uncomfortable grimace, Jon reaches for an orange slice.

"Hang on." Stephen licks his thumb. "You've got crumbs — here."

Jon flinches, more out of surprise than anything else, as Stephen dabs at the corner of his mouth. "Why do you do that, anyway?"

Stephen jumps, suddenly skittish. "Was it wrong?" he blurts. "I'm sorry. I know you could have done it yourself. Am I being patronizing? I don't mean to be patronizing...."

"Whoa, whoa, slow down!" Jon holds up a hand, and Stephen clamps his mouth shut. "Quit apologizing for a second, okay? You never do anything without a reason, and obviously it isn't that you think I'm some kind of helpless waif. So what is it?"

"Of course you're not a helpless waif," echoes Stephen dutifully. "I know. You're an independent human being with your own agency and self-determination who doesn't need anyone's help to be a complete and fulfilled entity and achieve self-actualization, but I — I — I like taking care of you, Jon!"

Jon can feel his eyebrows making a break for his hairline.

Stephen's right: he's always been the independent type. Self-assured, slow to trust, content with his own company, and more than a little prickly when he feels like he's being talked down to.

So when he says "I don't mind," it catches them both by surprise.

Stared down with the full force of Stephen's most penetrating gaze, Jon ducks his head, feeling a flush rise in his cheeks. "I mean, you obviously can't go doing it 24/7," he stammers, toying with his fork. "But if you, uh, get a charge out of fussing over me once in a while...and I get waffles and backrubs out of the deal...I'm not exactly going to complain, if you catch my drift."

"I think so," breathes Stephen, practically glowing. "I think I catch it, yeah."

He cups Jon's chin in both hands, tucking back a few stray locks of hair with his thumbs. Jon braces himself to be pounced on, or something equally enthusiastic; but Stephen just holds him firmly in place, pressing a tender (if bristly) kiss to his forehead.

"Do you catch mine?" he murmurs anxiously. "Because I can spell it out if you need me to. In really big letters, too, if that's what you want. Do you like skywriting? I can do skywriting...."

"Easy there." Jon nuzzles Stephen's neck. "Don't worry about it. Right now, this is all I need."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Heh, I do love reading about l!Stephen, but I really enjoyed the examination of Jon in this story - the way he tends to throws up even more signs of prickly independence and privacy hoarding in response to Stephen's tendency to overshare and overstep boundaries. I liked "Stephen" best in #3, where he goes from innocently misunderstanding when people wanted him to jump them after those magnificent backrubs, to blithely offering Jon a quickie in the shower.

Oh, the end is lovely! The kiss on the forehead is breathtakingly sweet ^_^

At first I was just enjoying the little bits here and there, but it all ties up so well in the end and really made for a lovely character!Jon study as well as including more hints to liberal!"Stephen"s hidden Dom nature (the firmness in his hands when giving a backrub, and his need to take care of Jon/make Jon relinquish some of his stressed out control)

It's strange - I knew Jon made a bit of a reluctant dom, but I wasn't expecting him to be such a reluctant sub. The dynamic here is harder, too - c!Stephen is all closed off, but he secretly wants someone to reach out to him, which usually inspires Jon to do just that. Whereas l!Stephen is very, very open about wanting people to reach out to him, so he does the same to others (Golden Rule!), to the point that it inspires Jon to close down.

Poor Stephen has a hard time wrapping his head around the idea that Jon will stay closed down until he himself pulls back a little. But he'll get the hang of it.

And, yeah, he's pretty much the most innocent sex fiend you ever will meet XD

I've got more plotbunnies about that uncertain Dom nature lurking in the background, too, so they'll be making their way out eventually!

he's pretty much the most innocent sex fiend you ever will meet XD Adorable <3

::bounces:: Once again, though I love "Stephen" in all his incarnations to itty bitty pieces, I am a rabid JonFIRST fan, and I really can't wait to see more of his "reluctant sub" coming out... I have always liked the obvious authority and power that lays beneath his shrugging self-deprecation, so I love to see how l!"Stephen" is slowly opening him up to the idea that it's okay, and maybe even necessary to surrender that control. O_O all that trust in l!"Stephen"s hands, I can't wait to see what he does with it... ::shivers::

...damnit, I typed in this whole long comment and DW ate it. Stupid server update.

Let's try this again.

The more I think about it, the more I feel like the l!Stephen/Jon D/s dynamic is going to be really different from the Jon/c!Stephen one. Sub!Jon doesn't have the overwhelming neediness, or the craving for rules, and he probably wouldn't be able to get through "ooh, I've been a bad boy, punish me master~" without cracking up.

Meanwhile, a lot of his dynamic with l!Stephen is already about actively pushing Stephen - to be less flexible, to set more boundaries, to be meaner when necessary. And there's a thread running through a lot of their conversations of "Stephen, I'm not made of glass, here; you don't need to worry about breaking me if you express your own needs and desires." Add that to Jon's independent streak, and, well...

"Come on, Stephen, is that all you're going to do? I broke your rules, remember? Hit me harder! I can take it! I can--oof! ...Okay, maybe not that hard. Ngh. Forgot I was decrepit for a second there."

(You can own Jon, but only if you can overpower him first.)

"Come on, Stephen, is that all you're going to do? I broke your rules, remember? Hit me harder! I can take it! I can--oof! ...Okay, maybe not that hard. Ngh. Forgot I was decrepit for a second there."

♥_♥ So...what you're saying is, Jon is a pushy bottom who likes to be roughed up a bit (and then cuddled tenderly afterward).

Ohhh yes.

It just seems like the natural progression...from "stop thinking so much and kiss me, already!" to "stop thinking so much and spank me, already!"

Pushy sub. Not necessarily bottom. That depends on l!"Stephen", and I can see it going either way. (c!"Stephen" definitely prefers being the sub and the bottom, but l!"Stephen" would be way more conscious of the gender roles involved, I think, to not consider switching it up every now and again.)

Don't mind me, really. =P The bottom = sub trope is just a bit of a D/s pet peeve of mine.

(It happens a lot more often than you'd think, too. This was actually something that the D/sverse in other fandoms got so annoyingly wrong; they'd use top/dom and bottom/sub interchangeably, which was headdesk-inducing. Waaaaay too much casual sexism involved in the 'penetration = power' implication necessary for it to be correct and non-*facepalm*-worthy.)

Ah, yes. Good catch.

I figure l!Stephen enjoys bottoming, and he's progressive enough not to see that as an un-dommy thing to do. Besides, Jon is a little uneasy about bottoming (never having done it before), so he'll need to be worked up to it. (I figure there are toys involved. Stephen has a ton at hand.)

So once l!Stephen gets more comfortable being aggressive, I figure he and sub!Jon have more variety in their sex life than dom!Jon and c!Stephen. Not as much comfort/reassurance sex (though that still happens); more adventurous, rough-and-tumble, push-and-push-back sex, along with "Stephen needs to be in control for a while, so Jon gets strapped down and blindfolded" sex, not to mention "Stephen has finally accepted that it's not disrespectful to have rape fantasies" sex. And all of it in more positions (of course l!Stephen has a copy of the Kama Sutra). Oh, the sexy fic potential. (Hint, hint.)

(...Wait, how did those fics handle female doms? Did they just never get into relationships with male subs? Because that throws a wrench in a couple of my favorite ships, here.)

I kind of think liberal!verse Jon/"Stephen" are probably kinkier than regular!verse Jon/"Stephen". Spanking, for one thing, is something I have tried to/wanted to write in Needverse but have just failed all over the place with; I can't see how Jon could possibly pull it off without feeling utterly ridiculous. He'd never keep a straight face. (And, oh my god, now I'm ridiculously happy that there's a universe where I get to write this with the two of them! Yay! =P) Being as, oftentimes, the sub doesn't actually have to (or isn't able to) do a whole lot of talking, I think there are a lot more things they could do since it isn't Jon calling the shots. Rape fantasy, as you mentioned, is another. As much as I can see c!"Stephen" having the fantasy, I also see Jon being extremely uncomfortable with actually trying to act it out, being as he'd have to be the aggressor.

(They just kind of...blatantly ignored the implications of the words they used, which made it all the more sigh-worthy. I distinctly remember a House fic where Cameron indignantly exclaimed that she was a "top". Though that was probably the result of the same language being used in the original creator's fics. [Of course, this same fic that made Wilson a sub and Chase a switch, which, lol no. They were well-written beside that, at least, which was nice.] It was either Did Not Do The Research or They Just Didn't Care, I think, since a generic search for "BDSM terms" will turn up this page, which clearly mentions the difference between bottom/sub and top/dom. So yeah.)

I think there are a lot more things they could do since it isn't Jon calling the shots.

This, this, so much this! Even with dom!Jon, so much of what he does is basically reacting to Stephen's desires and needs. So when the local version of Stephen is the one in the driver's seat, the world just opens up. (Kinktastically speaking.)

(Ah, yes. I'm guessing DNDTR. [Wilson has basically the same issues as l!"Stephen", I think - wants to take care of people, lets himself be pushed around because he's afraid of hurting someone, has a lot of potential aggression that House is always trying to bring out. Hmm...House as his pushy/challenging sub? I can't decide if that would be anything but OOC long-term, but given how canon!House is always trying to force out Wilson's assertive side, it might make an interesting one-shot...])

Oh, man, no, I have a much darker look on Wilson than that. When has he ever let himself be pushed around? And potential aggression? He conspired with Cuddy to make House detox. He talked to Tritter in an attempt to force House to detox. He pitted Amber and House against each other when they were fighting over him. He invoked his dead girlfriend to get House off his trail. He dosed House with anti-depressants. He's slept with a cancer patient. He's so good at manipulating people's emotions, they say thank you after he tells them they're dying--and he bets on this with House. And the stuff with Bonnie, man, that woman was a mess--how co-dependent she was, even when he finally lost interest? I'm not sure what potential he's holding back, here. =P He definitely has, at least in my opinion, some Manipulative Bastard tendencies.

There was a phase in the House fandom awhile ago, back when the show was in fairly new, to write what was termed "St. Jimmy" fic; basically, making Wilson this long-suffering, completely noble, innocent figure compared to House. It drove me and my friends up the wall, because as far as we're concerned, Wilson is way more of a bastard than House, and what's more, he makes people think he's the nice one! (There's a quote from an episode that I love, where the patient says something about how everyone raves about him and yet he hangs around with House, and he goes, "What, you think House might not be as bad as everyone says?" and she replies, "I think that you might not be as nice as everyone says." I seriously was like, "YES! THANK YOU!" after that scene.) The way I see it, they're both doing the same thing: carefully manipulating how they want you to feel about them. House does it by making people hate him. Wilson does it by making people depend on him. In the end, they both get what they want. The only people it doesn't work on is each other, and that is a large part of why I think they work as friends (and more, if you're inclined to see it that way).

Wilson's on a level of bastard that l!"Stephen"'s wildest fears probably couldn't live up to, I'm afraid.

Edited to add a few things I left out the first time.

Haha, true, true XD

I'm just thinking about the time House said "Yeah, so I've been borrowing increasingly ridiculous amounts of money from you and never paying it back, just to see when you would finally push back." Or when Amber chastised him for buying the mattress she wanted. (In Wilson's angst over that decision, I didn't feel like he was thinking "I will make her depend on me, muahahaha!" It was more "I hate it, but she wants it, and I don't want to risk making her upset..." Maybe still manipulative, but with more innocent intentions.)

Oh, and the bottle-through-the-plate-glass-window scene! That's totally "aggression that was being held back until House needled/yelled it out of him."

A lot of the dark things you mention -- invoking-the-dead-girlfriend, for instance -- that was also with House, and it was after several seasons of House-encouraging-Wilson-to-be-a-bastard (plus possibly years of that from before the show started). I just don't get the sense that Wilson is willing to sink to the same depths with the general, non-House population.

But, yeah...l!Stephen is probably too genuinely innocent to match up, here =3

Aha! If you're going to bring up the mattress thing, remember exactly how that went down. She chastised him for trying to take care of her, like he always does, which is why he always ends up resenting the women he's with, and therefore makes it much easier to rationalize leaving them in the end. Wilson isn't a "mwahahaha" type of bastard. He's not evil. He usually rationalizes that he's doing the right thing, (you can see this pretty obviously in the Tritter debacle; even Cameron sees through it) but that whole process was sewn up in his emotional manipulation. Amber was just the first girlfriend smart enough to recognize it, and call bullshit.

Wilson being House's ATM just fits nicely into his own pathology, which is the need to be needed. Sure, House manipulated him there, but when you compare the number of times House manipulates Wilson with the number of time Wilson manipulates House, it's still pretty uneven.

Obvious aggression, sure. Wilson definitely holds back obvious aggression. He normally relieves it in much more subtle ways. (And the stuff with Bonnie, and the cancer patient, none of that had anything to do with House. And the ongoing thank you bet was mentioned in the finale of the first season, so it's probably been going on quite awhile pre-series. Getting Cuddy to make the bet with House to detox also happened in the first season. The Tritter thing was an example of something House emphatically did not want to happen. Most of Wilson's manipulation comes down to him needing to be the person everyone depends on. And not just in the "occasionally needs a shoulder to cry on" way. In the "I'm so emotionally invested in you my world might crumble without you" way.) Wilson's a bastard, with or without House. They wouldn't be friends if he weren't.

I do remember that - in fact, I had it in mind when coming up with this fic, and go into more detail about the manipulative aspect a bit downthread. Thing is, I don't feel like Wilson recognized what he was doing in that situation either, until Amber pointed it out.

And I tend to cut him some slack on anything done with the intent of getting House to detox. Being close to an addict does weird things to you.

I'm not saying Jimmy's a saint, either. I just think there's a lot of room for slack-cutting. (Or maybe I'm rationalizing too. Who knows?)

Ah, an important thing that needs to be pointed out: the writers do an appalling terrible job at portraying pain and pain management. There is a very clear distinction between addiction and dependence, and they do an amazingly awful job with it. One of my closest friends experiences chronic pain, and they've been screwing this up since Detox in S1. If "being close to an addict" is your barometer for slack-cutting, well...let's just say these writers tend to make it a rather meaningless one.

Forgot to add: I think Wilson knows what he's doing. He's gone through the same situation with three wives (well, nearly; Julie was perhaps a bit more Genre Savvy than the rest, and cheated on him first) and with House as a best friend, there's no way the pattern wouldn't be pointed out to him, then flaunted, dressed up in bright clothing, and paraded down main street. So even if he somehow didn't manage to figure it out himself (which I find doubtful), he'd still know.

Ooh. That would make a difference, yeah. I've heard people say that it's a pretty accurate description of addiction, but if that's not the issue...hm. At least this one can be blamed on the writers? (There's a trope name for that, right?)

pointed out to him, then flaunted, dressed up in bright clothing, and paraded down main street.

XD

In that case, I'm just surprised it never came up on-screen before Amber pointed it out.

I linked my friend this thread (the one I mentioned) and she said she'd comment a little about the ways they get it wrong, if you're interested. (Knowing you as I do, though, I can only assume you are. =P)

Ahhh, you know me well XD

"A little." You liar.

Lol, I did undersell it a bit. Oops. =P

*happily accepts blame for the long comment of awesome meta*

*waves* Hi, Sara's friend here.

In S1 in particular, they do a terrible job portraying chronic pain, addiction vs. dependence, and withdrawal. Actually, I take that back; within the parameters of House's injury, the writers do a terrible job portraying chronic pain across all seasons.

Let's take "Detox", since that's the one where this first comes up. I've been in opiate withdrawal, not Vicodin but another opiate, and there's no way House would be functional enough to work during a week of wihdrawal. On day three of going cold turkey, I was in and out of consciousness, not to mention the vomiting and excruciating pain. Now, we can give the writers some slack here and say they just didn't do their research, as is very often the case with the House writers and medicine, but since this is the central plotline involving their main character, they should have done some more intensive consulting.

Further, going into withdrawal proves nothing. At the end of the episode, House says, paraphrased, that he learned he's an addict. Well, no. All we saw is that he was in physical withdrawal. We saw no signs of psychological withdrawal. We saw no evidence of cravings; in fact, we saw the opposite. When Foreman offered him Vicodin, he turned it down flat. The fact that he was stubborn enough to continue with withdrawal, rather than give in and take Vicodin (which is huge, incidentally; withdrawal is the worst pain I have been in in my life, and I don't say that lightly--and I did have only a physical dependence, as my medication didn't cause a high that could lead to addiction), tells me he was dependent. This is a subject they should have consulted a Narcotics Anonymous sponsor or a psychologist experienced in treating addiction on. Clearly, they didn't, and even more clearly, the writers have no experience with dependence vs. addiction themselves.

It gets greyer over the next few seasons. I could argue that his hoarding is a response to the nearly-forced withdrawal of "Detox", as he likely figured out Wilson was behind Cuddy's manipulation there. He does appear to be more of an addict as time goes on; however, that does not invalidate his very real dependence for his very real pain.

Now, let's look at the S5 episode "The Softer Side". That's the episode where House takes methadone. I have a friend who takes methadone for her crippling pain. It works very well for her. As the episode makes clear, it also works very well for House. So well, in fact, that he can throw out his cane because his leg hurts so very little! (Back to this in a minute.) He's even happy. (Also back to this, in two minutes.) Unfortunately, it has the nasty side effect of respiratory depression. Per the Polite Dissent blogger, "Methadone is a potent narcotic, and has more respiratory depression than more common narcotics, but it’s not that life threatening. Particularly in a patient with such a heavy previous use of narcotics." Once again, House writers either didn't do their research or exaggerated for dramatic effect. Either way, I was unsurprised. Since it's a heavy-duty synthetic opiate, it also gives House an artificial high, which slows him down just enough that he could have badly messed up on a case. He doesn't, but he could have. Since I quoted Mr. Polite Dissent above, I suppose I should quote him here, even though I disagree: "I did like House’s realization that he can’t be the brilliant diagnostician he wants to be if he’s not in pain." I pulled a B+ in AP Physics while I was on Percocet, and House is a million times smarter than me. He can function just fine on methadone once he adjusts.

The biggest problem with the methadone is, of course, that Wilson is no longer his supplier. For years, Wilson has been writing scripts for House's Vicodin, and therefore he's been needed. Suddenly, someone else is writing methadone scripts, Wilson is not needed, and Wilson freaks. I am convinced that this is the entire point of Wilson's freakout about how methadone is "worse than heroin", since it's patently untrue. It's less addictive, legal, has legitimate medical uses, was benefiting House, and was under the supervision of a physician with House's best interests in mind. But back to Wilson in three minutes.

So the cane thing. The cane thing seriously bothers me every time it comes up. The writers seem to forget that House is missing a chunk of muscle in his leg that's vital to, you know, support his weight. Specifically, based on this cap from "Skin Deep", you can see that House is missing chunks of two of his quad muscles: the rectus femoris and vastus lateralis. You can't walk properly when you're missing chunks of muscle like that. That's the point of the cane. It's not because it hurts to walk; it's because he can't walk without the extra support. For this reason, every time he ditches the cane when he's magically pain-free (post-ketamine, methadone...), it really, really bugs me.

And happiness. Have you noticed that House simply cannot be happy? Neither can anyone else on the show besides Cameron and Chase, but House in particular can't be. He had Stacy pre-show, and then, as we saw in "Three Stories", she let Cuddy cut out parts of his quad and so House drove her off. Then he could have had Stacy again, but he sent her back to Mark. Most recently, he was pain-free and happy about it, but the methadone slowed him down the tiniest bit, so clearly he couldn't have that anymore. This is more a hot-button issue of mine than anything else, so feel free to ignore this paragraph.

Wilson. You and Sara have discussed Wilson a lot already, but when it comes to House, Wilson is a manipulative, thoroughly selfish bastard. He's House's only real friend, and he likes it that way. Cuddy is House's friend, but she's also his boss, and that has to come first a lot of the time. Cameron and Chase are House's friends, but they're also his former employees, and they slide back into that sometimes. Wilson knows House is dependent on him, and he does his best to keep it that way. He wants to be the only one to treat House's pain so that he's the only one to control House's pain--witness how he's also the only one to always be in on forcing House into rehab or detox. He gives House money so House relies on him. He'll even interrupt a session with a patient so that House won't go to anyone else. He's extremely manipulative of House. Don't think I'm saying House is a saint here; House is just as abusive of Wilson. They have one of the least healthy relationships I've ever seen portrayed on television outside a Lifetime movie. I just resent Wilson's side a little more, because his side is more invested in keeping a person absolutely miserable for his benefit.

Oh, wow. Thank you so much for all of this - I did blink a little at the whole "now House is running!" scene, but that's about it. And I do like getting the medical stuff straight, so the detailed walkthrough is really appreciated.

(Lol, maybe Wilson is actually a complete sweetheart, and it's all just the writers getting things wrong. ...okay, maybe not, but the idea amuses me.)

I'll admit that I've been avoiding this 'verse because I couldn't wrap my mind around l!Stephen. But I loved this story and this take on Stephen! He's so...unrepentently different from others that it's really touching when he wonders if Jon accepts him that way.

But could you clear up something for me? What does "Also, his thighs feel like they've been sandpapered," mean? It made me think that someone shaved Jon's legs while he was asleep!

Much kudos!

Aw, don't you know any mockable liberals? Glad to hear you're coming around!

As to the sandpapering: Jon got a blowjob. L!Stephen has a beard. Does that help? =P

Yes!!!

Lord, I'm so small-town sometimes. ::facepalmn::

So small-town that I appreciate the new mental images. hehehehhe

OH MY GOD DNW EVER DDDDDDD:

Oh hush you. Some people like a little fur around.

(...admittedly I am not one of them, but still!)

YEAH BUT THAT'S NOT FUR THAT'S LIKE A CHEESE GRATER HOLY CRAP

I'M WITH YOU. D:

(I recently realized even George Clooney is fairly repulsive to me when he has the beard going on. So DNW times 37.)

ROFL I didn't quite catch that myself the first time around...

I do like fur, but that description is XD XD XD

Sexiest backrub in the history of backrubs. I've noticed that Jon in the liberalverse, while still very much Jon, tolerates less- he's private, he gets aggravated, he's suspicious. C!Stephen tests his limits, and, at the same time, softens them. Our "Stephen" taught Jon to care for those who need (yet refuse) care. L!Stephen tests Jon in a different way. Both Stephens have crafted a part of Jon that shows in every movement and conversation.

There's a phenomenon I read about once, and now I can't remember what book it was in, but I think it's playing out here - l!Stephen displaces his anger. Instead of repressing it, he gets other people to express it. Add to that the way his lack-of-boundaries forces other people to put up extra walls to maintain their own emotional integrity, and you have a recipe for lots of extra irritation.

On the other hand, c!Stephen has a way of jerking his Jon around - saying "I really need to talk to you; come over right away!" only to give him the cold shoulder in the Geraldo saga, for instance. And I tend to write a lot of Jon being put through the emotional wringer when he and Stephen get close, because Stephen has so much more turbulence up close.

But I have a feeling l!Stephen has sort of inoculated his Jon against that sort of thing. By being so open all the time, he forces Jon to actively invest in not being tethered to his moods. Long before they ever hook up, Jon has already gotten used to the idea that he doesn't have to panic every time Stephen worries.

tl;dr I think you're right =3

l!Stephen displaces his anger. Instead of repressing it, he gets other people to express it.

That makes so much sense. I hadn't caught that at all. You know, just when I think I've written something semi-thought-provoking and smart, you reply with these thoughtful paragraphs that make me sit and ponder for a moment before coming away more intelligent than I was before. I understand l!Stephen better now.

Bah. I probably wouldn't have come up with it myself if I hadn't read about it first, and it was your comment that reminded me of it.

And I love having people who will put up with my rambling :D

Oooh. I love that all the secretly dom-y bits are coming out, and I'm fascinated by this shiny new dynamic. It's very adorable.

And oh, skywriting. I don't know, something about that. It wasn't cute, exactly, but it was very pretty.

Just wait until the secret sadist makes an appearance =P

And thanks!

Unf.

Jon on the morning after, repeating every five minutes or so:

"...wait, how did I get scratches there?"

OH MY GOD YOU MUST PRODUCE THIS SOON

I SECOND THIS MOTION

Oh my god, three. Very sexy massage, and, I'm with Jon: how did people not jump Stephen after one of those? =P

The last one was sweet too. Secret dom l!"Stephen" is starting to be just as adorable as secret sub c!"Stephen", and I didn't expect that.

I do so love this 'verse.

Oh, lots of them did. Stephen just never made the connection. (Given that he himself is pretty much ready for sex at any time, no reason necessary...)

Didn't I tell you he would be adorable? Didn't I...actually I'm not sure I did. Eheh. Well, the whole point of this fic was to demonstrate his adorability anyway, so - mission accomplished =3

So, I've been thinking about liberal Stephen a bit, trying (just for fun) to reconcile him with his conservative counterpart in my own mind. If there's one major difference it's the conservative. v. liberal, of course, but they've lived their lives so differently that I think I was looking for some more common ground, aside from Jon.

I was really happy and simultaneously saddened to read:

There's no way Jon can tell him off for this — never let it be said that Jon Stewart would discourage charitable giving — but all at once it hits him that his friend is a black hole of guilt, which no amount of donation is ever going to fill.

There it is, for me. "Stephen," no matter what lifestyle, is well-intentioned. And the things he does to compensate for whatever hole of guilt he might have, whether it's repressed sexuality or fear or just trying to be everyone's friend or some great understanding man, it just sort of breaks your heart how he tries to be good.

Well, all that being said, I find Jon and this Stephen's dynamic interesting too, how Jon's private nature combined with this Stephen's pushing just equates to wary Jon.

And for the first time, I had to wonder, "What does Stephen even see in him?" It's not that Jon's bad; I can understand him, but I think it was during the pancake scene, where you know Jon had a blowjob last night (I giggled like a perverted dork when I finally figured out why his thighs would feel sandpapered, great way of putting it!) and then has this wonderful breakfast in bed and that kiss on the forehead, and it's just really damn. Because although I get the sense that Stephen would try to be as accomodating with all his lovers who like to be "treated like a gentleman," I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into that gentler, but wonderful kiss on the forehead because Jon seems special.

I mean, I knew he was, if that's who Stephen doesn't want to share and thinks about whiel masturbating, but this is a newer Stephen, this liberal guy, and I just have to wonder what makes Mr. Turtle so appealing to him.

Twice Stephen gave Jon birthday gifts in this fic; I wonder if Jon ever gives him anything or what.

Sorry to keep musing about all this and to do it so badly, but the fic is sweet, at least to me. <3 (You already know how bad I am at reviews.)

I think there's a shame vs. guilt thing going on here. (I read this article recently that distinguished the two - guilt is about what you do, shame is about who you are.) C!Stephen works hard to do everything The Way It's Supposed To Be Done, from his hair to his marriage, all in an effort to avoid guilt. He just has all kinds of shame over his repressed desires. L!Stephen, meanwhile, is completely shameless, but he feels a huge debt to society (in a way that by-your-own-bootstraps c!Stephen never would), and has oodles of (white liberal) guilt over not doing enough.

So either way, they have good intentions, but their screwed-up notions of their own obligations get in the way.

There's a flip side to l!Stephen's overabundance of giving, part of which is that it produces a sense of obligation in the giftees. "I got you a present, so now you have to give me one." Or even "I got you a present, now you have to put up with me." (This doesn't have to be explicitly stated; most people will feel bad about getting unreciprocated gifts.) And when it doesn't work, it leaves Stephen with a lot of resentment - "how can you not love me when I've given you so much?"

So part of Mr. Turtle's appeal (love that name, by the way) is that he refuses to play this game. He sets limits - no quickies in the shower (at least, not while he's married)! - and sticks to them, no matter how many incentives Stephen offers. And to avoid that sense of unwanted obligation, he's been known to turn down gifts when he doesn't think Stephen's getting anything out of the deal. Which means Stephen never has to feel resentful, never gets his accomodating nature taken advantage of.

(At first, Jon just signed the office birthday card. As time went on, he started giving personal cards and nominal gifts to those people he got to know well, including Stephen. Standard office procedure. Never anything on the level of "here, I just spent my entire paycheck on your behalf.")

And, of course, Jon is intelligent and funny and charming and politically aware and interesting and sweet and all those wonderful qualities we flail over. So there's that =P

(Psh. Less self-deprecation, moar "Stephen" meta plzkthx.)

Can you write l!Stephen all the time please? I love seeing this side of him and also the meta you write in comments. It just reminds me of so many people I know. I wonder, does l!Stephen ever allow anyone to do anything for him? He probably feels guilty and then to make up for it gives this outrageously amazing gift in return. And because he does that, he probably pisses the other person off because they just wanted to do something nice, does he think they only did that so they can get something in return?

Um. Feel free to tell me if I'm off, I just wonder how he would react. I also really love seeing his secret dom side come out.

I was just starting to worry I was writing l!Stephen too much, so I'm glad he has fans!

This version of Stephen thinks that people should be more giving in general, so he's not likely to turn down gifts. In fact, his boundary issues come into play here, so that if you give an inch, he'll take a mile. (This is why Jon ends up drawing a lot of lines - "yes, we can hug, but that doesn't mean you're allowed to cop a feel, so don't even try it" - because Stephen won't see them if they aren't made explicit.)

That said, he gives a lot of outrageously amazing gifts. And he's prone to doing things that he thinks are helpful when they're really just weird. (Notably, the whole "wiping Jon's mouth for him" thing. Someone has evidently yelled at Stephen for being patronizing in the years between the first part of this fic and the last one, though, because he's gotten more self-conscious about it.)

People definitely feel awkward when it seems to be turning into a sort of cold numbers game ("one of us gives X, the other gives Y, then we're even") rather than natural friendship. Of course, contrasted with regular Stephen (who thinks he deserves all manner of trophies and accolades just for showing up), that might not be such a bad thing.

Meta enough for you? =P

More secret!Dom!l!Stephen is definitely on the way - you're not the only one who loves him ^_~

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Fake News - Five Gifts Stephen Gave Jon

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