ptahrrific | Fake News: Or You Could Show Him How To Work Your Nail Guns + The Pun Was Too Good T'Eschew

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Fake News: Or You Could Show Him How To Work Your Nail Guns + The Pun Was Too Good T'Eschew

Title: Or You Could Show Him How To Work Your Nail Guns
Rating: G
Characters/pairings: Tad/Bobby, Stephen
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

Summary: A fluffy double drabble (i.e., 200 words exactly, not counting the title), written for one of the unclaimed prompts over at

lgbtfest: 1086. Punditslash, Tad/Bobby, Something happens and now Stephen knows about their relationship. How do they handle being out to their boss, and how does Stephen's own repressed sexuality come into play?

Or You Could Show Him How To Work Your Nail Guns

In the summer when Bobby turned six, his parents got an addition built on their house.

He was told to keep away from the construction, because it was Very Dangerous and he could get Badly Hurt. But he wanted to know everything – how the nail gun worked, how they made cement, how they decided where to put the walls, all of it! – and spent the first week lurking around the site, ducking behind stacks of plywood whenever anyone glanced in his direction, taking in everything with a wide-eyed combination of terror and curiosity.

(And, okay, maybe a little fascination at the muscular men without shirts on, even then.)

When he brought this up, Tad laughed nervously. "Are you saying I should get to the gym?"

"No, no, nothing like that! My point is, that's exactly the expression Stephen's had ever since, well, you know."

("You know" involved a heated makeout session and a door whose lock was two days past its warranty.)

He nodded meaningfully towards the other side of the studio. Tad turned just in time to see Stephen ducking behind the audience seats.

"Huh," he said. "What finally made you back off?"

"Um. Only the ice cream truck."

Title: The Pun Was Too Good T'Eschew
Rating: PG
Characters/pairings: Stephen, Meg
Disclaimer: See above.

Summary: And another, with a slightly sadistic twist: 1079. Punditslash, Character!Stephen Colbert and Meg the intern, To Stephen, hitting on women is a way to force his sexuality into line. When Meg refuses his advances on the grounds that she's a lesbian (and it's *sexual harassment*) he decides that they can 'help' each other become straight. Meg is forced to teach Stephen a few things.

(You may want to do some background reading first.)

The Pun Was Too Good T'Eschew

"Are you really, really, really sure about this?" asked Stephen.

Meg – who had finally agreed to join his support group for Report staff struggling with deviant urges, raising its total membership to two – sighed. "Blah blah test our strength yadda yadda ladies talk too much," she replied. (Something like that, anyway.)

Stephen made it through the door before stopping again. "But what if they think we're like them?" he hissed, leaning close to be heard over the noise of the bar.

"Good point," said Meg. "Better do something heterosexual, just to make sure."

She gave the seat of Stephen's pants a healthy squeeze.

"There. Now we can start converting."

She gestured towards a large man with a handkerchief in his left back pocket. Stephen recognized the color from his extensive association with designer ties: hunter green, same as one of the hankies Meg was carrying. (The other was peach.)

Well, had been carrying, a second ago. She must have put them away.

"I have a good feeling about that guy," she confided. "Don’t jump into the heavy stuff right away, though. Start a conversation first. Tell him you're a big admirer of Papa Bear's. I bet that'll go over well."

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Tad and Bobby definitely need more fic love.

And the visual of Stephen's face...*snort*.

Meg! o_0

Hear hear. Just because one is MIA and the other is dead, doesn't mean we should neglect them!

Thanks :D

Tell him you're a big admirer of Papa Bear's. I bet that'll go over well.

*snickerfit*

Hee. Very nice--both of them.

Stephen in the first one is beyond adorable. I can only imagine him sneaking around the studio, spying on them :-D

I like Meg in the second one. She's gotta be tough, working for Stephen. Tricky works, too.

Considering the fact that both those prompts were mine? I'm pretty gleeful right now ♥

And definitely not hoping to accidentally stumble on another intimate moment, oh no...

Meg surprised me with her deviousness. In a good way :D

*Stephen voice* You're welcome. X3

"He nodded meaningfully towards the other side of the studio. Tad turned just in time to see Stephen ducking behind the audience seats."

Thats a bit strange, but I guess its better than Stephen blowing up and firing them. *Oh course, he couldn't replace Tad and Bobby, and he knows it*
Oh, and its adorable at the same time =D

I think he was too startled and intimidated at first to get angry. "Oh, no, the gays are here! In my very own studio!...And they haven't attacked me yet. Maybe if I just let them stay, they won't hurt me...."

Thanks :3

Ahahaha, Meg is awesome. So are Tad and Bobby, for that matter. :D

Meg you are evil XD 'Better do something heterosexual' reminds me of those Snickers adverts. "QUICK! DO SOMETHING MANLY!"

Poor curious Stephen. There's a 'do it yourself' joke in there somewhere.

Augh, I remember flinching at those commercials.

Thanks =D

Controversy, thy name is Snickers.

Those were great. I have such a fun image of Stephen "surreptitiously" spying on Tad and Bobby in my mind now. It would only be surreptitious in his head, of course, because he doesn't have a subtle bone in his body, but that only makes the image better. =P

Oh, Meg. You're so devious. (Why do I feel like Stephen could have a rainbow of different handkerchiefs? Except for the part where he would probably be ignorant enough to go with orange and wind up getting hurt aaaand now I've depressed myself. Great.)

Good stuff! :D

P.S. Did you die of squee when Stephen said, "I'm as needy as a child." on yesterday's TCR? I did. It was a happy moment. =P

That's exactly what I imagine him doing XD

Somehow I don't think Stephen would wear orange anyway, so I suspect he's safe. (Although I was looking back at Stephen's "undercover disguise" in America: The Book recently, and he's wearing a leather band on his right arm...which, if I understand

malesubart correctly, means he's flagging as a sub. So perhaps he understands this better than we realize.)

*spittake* I haven't seen it yet! It's downloading now! *anticipation shoots up a level*

Although I was looking back at Stephen's "undercover disguise" in America: The Book recently, and he's wearing a leather band on his right arm...which, if I understand [info]malesubart correctly, means he's flagging as a sub.

CANNOT. STOP. LOLING.

means he's flagging as a sub

LOL seriously? That is too completely awesome.

It was pretty epic, seriously. The BKAD segment combined with the interview made it amazingly awesome. And then he said that because clearly he likes to make me happy. Also, kneeling Stephen is hot. Ahem.

P.S. Erin? I haaaaaaate you. I just lost a good couple hours going through the archives of

malesubart. Ngh.

Muahahahahahaha. *fly hands*

Just saw the ep. Aww'd like crazy. Immediately went off to work on that unfinished Stevie mix I've been sitting on for months now. Might actually finish some time soon...

I guess I can't complain too much, since it inspired some Needverse porn. After it was thoroughly finished turning my brain to goo, naturally. =P

Ooh, hooray! Stevie mix!

Except for the part where he would probably be ignorant enough to go with orange and wind up getting hurt

Yeah, he'd have fun, though. It'd all be good.

My brain is in an angsty place right now so any hurting would be of the non-fun and "pushed well past his limits" kind.

I MEAN OBVIOUSLY INTENSE PAIN AND SUFFERING IS FINE TOO ALWAYS

BUT MY "STEPHEN" DOESN'T HAVE LIMITS EXACTLY, I DON'T THINK

My "Stephen" has limits but he doesn't always know a. what they are or b. how to express them. He's also fairly ignorant about how things are supposed to be, and considering his tendency toward kinkiness, I can see him getting hurt (in a bad way) really, really easily.

I think about these things too deeply, sorry. =P

NO IT'S GREAT I LOVE META LIKE A LOVING THING

I mean, I suppose my "Stephen's" lack of limits is actually quite sad in its own way, as it springs from being so very deeply closeted that his... I'm not certain, fantasy life? secret sex life? has kind of exploded in the other end, which I guess is actually more of a Chuck Noblet thing, but the two in this fandom are so intractably linked that I tend to use one to characterize the other. I don't know, maybe that's really lazy, but they really are more or less the same person.

Can I ask what you mean exactly by "lack of limits"? Because it's my impression that everyone has limits of some sort--they kind of have to; it's a survival mechanism--no matter how far out there they are. Do you just mean his are so far out in the wild blue yonder that it's almost like they don't exist?

Oh, Chuck and "Stephen" definitely have their fair share of shared traits. I usually say that I think Chuck is more of an intentional, purposeful asshole than "Stephen", who tends to go the route of the accidental, cluelessly offensive asshole. I also think that if I had to pick which one would be more likely to mature, I would pick "Stephen". (Though granted, 90% of that is based on the fact that "Stephen" has Jon, whereas Chuck has no one mature around him.) Of course, if you asked me to pick which would be more likely to completely lose his mind and go on a homicidal rampage, I'd also pick "Stephen". His mentally stability seems to be something of a crapshoot.

Basically. Almost all of the time, "Stephen" is the one making his partner a wee bit uncomfortable. (("You want me to... I'm sorry, did you say you wanted me to hit you with this??" "Oh, come on. It's only a barbell, Jon, I'll be fine!"))

Compounded with that, he's so eager to please that he's more or less up for whatever is suggested, even if that's not necessarily something he'll actually enjoy. (("Oh what's that you say? You want to light my face on fire? WELL IF IT WILL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE YOU LOVE ME THEN I GUESS THAT'S A-OK!"))

Additionally, it probably has something to do with the fact that in my head, all "Stephen" fics take place more in the bizarro false reality they've created on TCR than the real world, so everything about everybody (except for Jon The Straight Man and his ilk) is going to be a bit more caricature.

Of course, if you asked me to pick which would be more likely to completely lose his mind and go on a homicidal rampage, I'd also pick "Stephen". His mentally stability seems to be something of a crapshoot.

Funny you should say that, because I'd always thought of Chuck as being the type who could totally snap one day if he were pushed just a little bit farther, goddammit, try him one more time and see if he doesn't just pop a cap into that smart little mouth of yours, wheras "Stephen" is mostly show and not an actual danger to himself or others.

Compounded with that, he's so eager to please that he's more or less up for whatever is suggested, even if that's not necessarily something he'll actually enjoy.

Oh, I totally agree that he does this. That goes back into not knowing how to express a limit. He's not enjoying it, so, technically, it WOULD be a limit, if he were, you know, well-adjusted and capable of recognizing when something Has Gone Too Far. As it is, he's too insecure and damaged and needy to vocalize this, and that is where the bad kind of hurt comes in. He's, as you noted, pushing himself past what he likes in order to please someone else, and this is Not Good.

Additionally, it probably has something to do with the fact that in my head, all "Stephen" fics take place more in the bizarro false reality they've created on TCR than the real world, so everything about everybody (except for Jon The Straight Man and his ilk) is going to be a bit more caricature.

Ah! I see. This is where our main difference comes in, then. I get a lot of enjoyment out of taking "Stephen" (and those accompanying him) out of that bizarro false reality and putting him firmly in the real world. My "Stephen" tends to be less of a caricature because of this, I think.

whereas "Stephen" is mostly show and not an actual danger to himself or others.

Heh, we see them exactly opposite, then, because that's how I feel about Chuck. I can totally see him wanting to go on a homicidal rampage but being too cowardly or ineffectual to actually carry it out.

Heh, we see them exactly opposite, then, because that's how I feel about Chuck.

Well I ship it.

That's homicidal!Stephen and creepymotherfucker!Chuck. Awww, they could help each other dispose of the bodies afterwards! <3

Hahaha, oh man. That would be so creepy.

IDK, sounds like a proper date to me.

Hahaha, this Jon would probably be more appropriate, since I think Stephen being homicidal would garner more than mild disdain.

FOR ALL HIS TALK OF "LIBERAL OPEN-MINDEDNESS" JON SURE CAN BE JUDGMENTAL

HE'S STILL JUDGING.

LOOK JON THERE IS NOTHING MORE NATURAL THAN THE HOMICIDAL RAGE THAT EXISTS BETWEEN A MAN AND THE OTHER MAN THAT'S IN THE FIRST MAN'S PARKING SPOT, AND IT ONLY FOLLOWS THAT THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND AND SHARE THOSE FEELINGS SHOULD BE NATURALLY DRAWN TO ONE ANOTHER, OKAY?

(HEE. =D)

"Oh what's that you say? You want to light my face on fire? WELL IF IT WILL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE YOU LOVE ME THEN I GUESS THAT'S A-OK!"

This is the best, most demented way to put it I've ever heard. (Also, you have just basically stated the thesis of the "Kiss You Where It Hurts"/"Grey, And Oh So Soft" 'verse.)

As for Chuck vs. "Stephen" - I guess I see Chuck as being on the verge of a homicidal rampage pretty much all the time, whereas "Stephen" only hits that point once in a while. (Sweetness doesn't help.)

1.OKAY I REALLY ENJOYED THIS ONE, DESPITE HAVING ONLY A MARGINAL IDEA WHO BOBBY IS. I'VE ONLY SEEN HIM GET EATEN MATE AND NOW I WANT TO MAKE A RIDICULOUSLY FARCICAL ANGST FANMIX ON THE SUBJECT OF HAVING YOUR LOVER EATEN BY YOUR BOSS.

ALSO STEPHEN PEEKING HIS HEAD UP FROM BEHIND THE SEATS. THAT'S CREEPY AS FUCK BUT ALSO CUTE.

2. I HOPE HE HAS A NICE TIME.

1. I WANT TO SEE THAT FANMIX. AND ALSO, YOU SHOULD LOOK UP CLIPS OF BOBBY BECAUSE HE IS ~ADORABLE~.

2. OH, HE WILL.

♥

I GAVE UP TCR FOR LENT SO I CAN'T RIGHT NOW BUT ~*~ONE DAY~*~

Meg is evilly awesome (or awesomely evil?).

And Stephen peeking from behind stuff at Bobby and Tad is an hilarious mental picutre.

Oh, Meg, Tad and Bobby, I don't know you yet, but there will be a time when I'm finally done watching the old clips.

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Fake News: Or You Could Show Him How To Work Your Nail Guns + The Pun Was Too Good T'Eschew

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edit lol. can't type worth a darn

Re: edit lol. can't type worth a darn

your mildly disdainful jon is looking at me |:

Re: your mildly disdainful jon is looking at me |:

HE JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THEIR LOVE

Re: HE JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THEIR LOVE

WHAT A HYPOCRITE

Re: WHAT A HYPOCRITE

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