Erin Ptah (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ptahrrific) wrote2009-05-11 08:03 am
ptahrrific) wrote2009-05-11 08:03 am
Entry tags:
Fake News: Cutting It Fine
Title: Cutting It Fine
Series: TDS/TCR
Characters/Pairings: John-O, Jon, "Stephen"
Rating: PG (shameless teabagging puns)
Disclaimer: See the index.
For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
culf, who wanted "something about "Stephen" acquiring a replica samurai sword, just to spite John Oliver because they're illegal in the UK. (And because John claims to be of Samurai descent.)"
Cutting It Fine
"Oh, wow," said Jon appreciatively. "It's so long!"
John stopped outside the door, suddenly not sure this was a conversation he wanted to walk in on.
"Twenty-four and a half inches," said Stephen proudly. John immediately felt better. If Stephen was talking about something completely innocent, it was safe to go in. And if he wasn't, well, John kind of wanted to see.
He pushed open the door. "Excuse me, Jon, could I borrow you for a minute? I want to ask--"
Stephen swiveled in his chair, and John stopped cold. Lying across Stephen's lap was a beautiful katana: the handle dark and carved, the blade polished and elegant and deadly.
"You like it?" asked Stephen, raising the sword proudly. "I heard you were looking for one of these, so I went out and got one."
John was overwhelmed by a warm rush of gratitude. "F-for me?"
"Of course not. For me! I figured if someone else wanted it so much, it must be awesome. Which means I obviously need to have one."
(In retrospect, John should have been suspicious sooner. The last time he had thought Stephen was doing him a favor, he had spent the day stuffed in a suitcase.)
"Isn't it great?" continued Stephen, holding the katana out. "Hand-made with traditional methods by experts. You can tell the experts because they're the ones who still have their hands."
"Look on the bright side, John," said Jon. "It means you're a trendsetter. Even if you haven't found one yet, you still gave Stephen the idea."
"He can't get one at all," announced Stephen smugly. "They're illegal in his country. Just like carrying a gun, and not wearing a funny hat."
John resisted the urge to challenge him to a duel. Instead, he turned to his boss, ignoring Stephen entirely (the one thing he knew was guaranteed to ruffle the man's feathers). "Jon, I wanted to ask you if I could do a segment about teabagging."
Stephen froze; Jon nodded thoughtfully. "Sounds like a good idea."
"I just wanted to make sure," said John. "I mean, do you trust my skills vis-a-vis teabagging?"
"Sure."
"You think I have enough experience?"
"I know you do, John," said Jon, oblivious to Stephen's increasing horror. "I've seen you in action."
"Because I know this is the sort of thing you would have had Stephen do, back when he was on the show; but now he isn't, so..."
"That's it!" interrupted Stephen, throwing down the katana and standing up. The ancient blade clattered painfully on the modern tiles of the floor. "Enjoy your little den of tea and sodomy. I'm getting out of here."
"Stephen, wait!" called Jon after him. "Aren't you going to take your sword?"
"I don't want that stupid old sword anyway!" yelled Stephen over his shoulder, shoving past John and slamming the door behind him.
"Er, sorry about that," said John awkwardly. "I didn't realize it would set him off quite that much...."
"Nah, don't worry about it," said Jon. "That's how he usually leaves. So, uh, these are illegal in the UK?"
"Sometimes," clarified John. "Not if they have a legitimate purpose. Or if they're hand-made with traditional methods."
Jon perked up. "Great! Want a free katana?"
Series: TDS/TCR
Characters/Pairings: John-O, Jon, "Stephen"
Rating: PG (shameless teabagging puns)
Disclaimer: See the index.
For
culf, who wanted "something about "Stephen" acquiring a replica samurai sword, just to spite John Oliver because they're illegal in the UK. (And because John claims to be of Samurai descent.)"Cutting It Fine
"Oh, wow," said Jon appreciatively. "It's so long!"
John stopped outside the door, suddenly not sure this was a conversation he wanted to walk in on.
"Twenty-four and a half inches," said Stephen proudly. John immediately felt better. If Stephen was talking about something completely innocent, it was safe to go in. And if he wasn't, well, John kind of wanted to see.
He pushed open the door. "Excuse me, Jon, could I borrow you for a minute? I want to ask--"
Stephen swiveled in his chair, and John stopped cold. Lying across Stephen's lap was a beautiful katana: the handle dark and carved, the blade polished and elegant and deadly.
"You like it?" asked Stephen, raising the sword proudly. "I heard you were looking for one of these, so I went out and got one."
John was overwhelmed by a warm rush of gratitude. "F-for me?"
"Of course not. For me! I figured if someone else wanted it so much, it must be awesome. Which means I obviously need to have one."
(In retrospect, John should have been suspicious sooner. The last time he had thought Stephen was doing him a favor, he had spent the day stuffed in a suitcase.)
"Isn't it great?" continued Stephen, holding the katana out. "Hand-made with traditional methods by experts. You can tell the experts because they're the ones who still have their hands."
"Look on the bright side, John," said Jon. "It means you're a trendsetter. Even if you haven't found one yet, you still gave Stephen the idea."
"He can't get one at all," announced Stephen smugly. "They're illegal in his country. Just like carrying a gun, and not wearing a funny hat."
John resisted the urge to challenge him to a duel. Instead, he turned to his boss, ignoring Stephen entirely (the one thing he knew was guaranteed to ruffle the man's feathers). "Jon, I wanted to ask you if I could do a segment about teabagging."
Stephen froze; Jon nodded thoughtfully. "Sounds like a good idea."
"I just wanted to make sure," said John. "I mean, do you trust my skills vis-a-vis teabagging?"
"Sure."
"You think I have enough experience?"
"I know you do, John," said Jon, oblivious to Stephen's increasing horror. "I've seen you in action."
"Because I know this is the sort of thing you would have had Stephen do, back when he was on the show; but now he isn't, so..."
"That's it!" interrupted Stephen, throwing down the katana and standing up. The ancient blade clattered painfully on the modern tiles of the floor. "Enjoy your little den of tea and sodomy. I'm getting out of here."
"Stephen, wait!" called Jon after him. "Aren't you going to take your sword?"
"I don't want that stupid old sword anyway!" yelled Stephen over his shoulder, shoving past John and slamming the door behind him.
"Er, sorry about that," said John awkwardly. "I didn't realize it would set him off quite that much...."
"Nah, don't worry about it," said Jon. "That's how he usually leaves. So, uh, these are illegal in the UK?"
"Sometimes," clarified John. "Not if they have a legitimate purpose. Or if they're hand-made with traditional methods."
Jon perked up. "Great! Want a free katana?"
no subject
If Stephen was talking about something completely innocent, it was safe to go in. And if he wasn't, well, John kind of wanted to see.
I totally understand John's curiosity here, but it still made me giggle.
Thank you for this. I now feel a little better about having to leave my beloved katanas back in Norway.
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JOHN! *squees and hugs* I need so much more of this John as "Stephen's" replacement stuff!
Or better yet, "John" and "Stephen" competing for Jons attention/affection/something. "Please, Mr Stewart, I like it here in America" "Jon! Don't forget you're my Jewish friend! So get rid of him!"
*giggles* sorry, went off on a tangent there. I love your drabbles! So brilliant.
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Thanks!
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Laa-adies and gentlemen... roll up roll up... for the worlds greatest showdown of in the category of 'pathetically irresistable adorableness'... featuring current champion Stephen 'Puppydog' Colbert and young up-and-comer John 'Little Orphan' Oliver...