Fake News: Expecting, Chapter 15

[ptahrrific]

Title: Expecting, Chapter 15: Backstory in Black
Series: The Colbert Report
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Cursing, references to shady sexual situations
Words: ~2800
Disclaimer: Two.

For the Report characters: They and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and of course Viacom. Not mine. Sue me not, please.

And for the real people, the poem:
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what's said here is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because we like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
We don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.

Notes: To properly write Lewis Black would require a lot more swearing than this chapter pulls off. As you read this, please mentally insert F-bombs to make up for the shortage.

For the full table of contents to this story, click here.




Chapter 15
Backstory in Black

Today

Jon dug through his pockets with no success: he had come straight from the set, without bothering to run back to the dressing room and grab his wallet.

All that hurry, when I could have finished the show and showered and changed and still been here in plenty of time....

Come to think of it, I'm still in makeup, aren't I?

He ducked briefly into the men's room, one small room with blue tile and stainless steel furnishings, and checked it out. Sure enough, his face was streaked with sweat and faintly orange. He washed it off as best he could without daring to take too long, in case the nurse returned and missed him.

Who am I kidding? he wondered as he walked briskly back to the waiting room. There's no way I could have finished the show in this state. Would've been the worst interview I've ever done.

Sitting down proved to be almost unbearable, so he started pacing the length of the waiting room; eventually he shrugged off his jacket as the exercise overcame the slight chill of the building, and then paced some more.

And then he turned on his heel and found that the freckled nurse had appeared at the door.

"I found Dr. Moreau," she said. "She said to tell you she's sorry."


♦ ⋅ ◊ ⋅ ♦ ⋅ ◊ ⋅ ♦


May 14, 2007
(Continued)

"Sorry?" blinked Jon stupidly.

"An intervention. Traditionally, when a group of your friends gets together to talk to you about your destructive behavior. Except that last week you pretty much scared off all of your friends, so instead you get me." He spread his hands dramatically. "Aren't you lucky."


"But — what for? I don't have a drinking problem, I'm not on drugs...."

"Didn't think so. Which means you don't get to blame anything but yourself for your behavior towards Oliver."

"Is that all this is about? Listen, Lewis, it was just a bit of harmless teasing. Who told you it was a big deal?"

"Pretty much everybody."

"...what?"

"I'm not telling you who made the call, but by the time the phone got passed to everyone who wanted a turn, about twenty people had told me you'd gone round the bend, and would Uncle Lewis please charge in to save the day. And don't you tell me it was harmless! I've seen the tapes. You were tormenting that kid."

Jon stood speechless.

"Sit!" barked Lewis, and he quickly dropped into a chair.

"Now, Jon, you're a nice guy. What the hell did Oliver do to you?"

"He insinuated," said Jon slowly, "and he wasn't joking, that I was having an affair."

"With who?"

"Stephen."

"Anything else?"

"Does there need to be?"

"No, but I was really, really hoping you weren't that dumb."

"For what? For taking my marriage seriously? For..."

"Of course not," snapped Lewis. "For thinking Oliver's the only one."

Now Jon was just confused. "I wouldn't be, well, picking on him, if someone else had also said..."

"Most of them aren't obtuse enough to say anything! Doesn't matter! The fact remains, and it's a miracle you've never caught on, is that every single person who has ever worked here — every correspondent, every contributor, every producer, every researcher, every technician, hell, even the interns — has gone through a phase where they wonder if you're screwing Colbert!"


♦ ⋅ ◊ ⋅ ♦ ⋅ ◊ ⋅ ♦


Lewis was not a morning person. Mornings made him cranky.

Of course, by the afternoon he had usually heard something in the news that made him cranky, and by evening if he was doing a show he had practiced the delivery of many other things that made him cranky, and he didn't believe in a higher power but sometimes the fact that he got paid to yell at things made him wonder.

But right now it was way too early to be confronting something frustrating, and he wasn't even getting paid for it.

He was hoping Jon would wise up soon, but if not, he was in the perfect mood to rant for a while.

"What?" said Jon again. Then, "Why?"

Yeah, 'not' was looking pretty likely right about now.

"A couple of reasons, which I'll take in order from least subtle to most subtle — and I use the word 'subtle' loosely here, because all of this is really damn obvious to everyone except you. First reason, and God help us all if you've missed this one: Colbert is a flaming queer."

Jon started.

"You did know that."

"I wouldn't have put it in exactly those terms..."

"All right, how would you put it?"

"Uh...listen, it's a pretty sensitive subject for Stephen..."

"Good thing he's not in the room, then! Spit it out, Jon. Who are you gonna offend? Me? Not likely!"

He gesticulated so vehemently at this last that his glasses nearly fell off; he shoved them back on, the better to glare impatiently at Jon.

After a ridiculously long pause, the man said, "Stephen's sexually attracted to men. Very strongly."

"Good!" Lewis grinned: possibly his most intimidating expression of all. "Now we're getting somewhere. Second point: You have a blind spot for Colbert that most people reserve for their kids, their pets, and the people they're sleeping with. Hell, you gave him a whole show."

"He's doing well with it. He's talented."

"Look around you, Jon. There are plenty of talented people here."

"Is this about jealousy?" asked Jon suddenly.

Lewis had been expecting this one. "No. That's part of the reason I'm the one talking to you: The Root of All Evil has a contract already. Besides, the show isn't the only issue. Every time he got in an argument with someone here — every time! — you gave it the Fox News version of fair and balanced, even when a monkey could see that Colbert was wrong."

At this Jon started to protest, but Lewis cut him off. "Don't start! Ninety-nine percent of the time you're a fantastic boss, and of course you aren't trying to play favorites! That's why they call it a blind spot. You don't see that you're doing it.

"The third point — and this is the one people miss if they don't get to know you, because anyone with half a brain can see at first glance that you have a sharp mind and you use it — is that for such a bright guy you can be really naïve. That, or your gaydar is busted. Things about you two that scream queer to the rest of us — and really, shopping for strollers? How domestic is that? — don't even register with you. Hell," he added, laughing gruffly, "Colbert could probably jam his tongue down your throat and you wouldn't think anything of it...."

He stopped.

Jon was blushing.


♦ ⋅ ◊ ⋅ ♦ ⋅ ◊ ⋅ ♦


He had been prepared to cut Lewis some slack, to put up with more yelling and swearing and general invective than he would tolerate from any other employee, because, hey, it was Lewis. But his patience was wearing thin under the onslaught, which didn't seem to be connected to his behavior as he understood it. And then, unexpectedly, it hit home.

Jon could feel the heat rising in his cheeks. He hoped against hope that the other man wouldn't notice.

"Oh, Christ," said Lewis. "And here I thought I was exaggerating."

"It wasn't random," protested Jon feebly. "I was standing under the mistletoe...." Which was actually holly, but this sounds weak enough as it is....

"You don't play tonsil hockey with someone just because there's mistletoe! What was this, an office party?"

"No, it was...." He trailed off.

If any god has ever been offended by me, now would be a great time to send the lightning.

"Speak up!" barked Lewis.

"It was his hotel room!" yelled Jon. "And yes, okay, I can see how that sounds pretty gay! But no one else was there, and it's not like we've made out on the set! What have we done in public that makes people think we're in love?"

"Who said anything about love?"

"Having sex, then! Excuse me if I happen to associate the two!"

"That's what I mean by naïve! It just doesn't occur to you that people might think Colbert's blowing you because you're the boss!"

"Stephen wouldn't do that."

"He did it to Kilborn!"

"What?"

"Why do you think he hired a correspondent who was even more of a rampant egomaniac than he was?"

Reeling from the information, Jon tried to bounce back. "Is that an assumption, the way people assume Stephen and I—"

"A. Whitney Brown walked in on them once. Scarred the poor man for life. Apparently Colbert was—"

"Stop!" Jon meant to sound commanding; it came out as a plea.

The verbal train screeched to a halt.

"I don't need details," he added, feeling his chest constrict; and then for a moment or two he was absorbed in the struggle to catch his breath.

When Lewis continued, it was gruff but more calm: "Not to impinge on your talent, but the producers probably had that in mind when they hired you. They figured you'd be less corruptible."

"Stephen has never," said Jon slowly, "made any inappropriate advances..."

"Mistletoe, Jon."

"That was last year — he already had a show and a contract—"

"But if you didn't notice that, you probably missed any hints he dropped for the first six years."

And now that Jon thought back, he remembered times, the details now long faded, when he had brushed things off....

"Okay," he said at last, feeling deflated. "Clearly, I've missed a lot."

"Ya think?"

"If you could just — help me out, here — tell me some of the things that give people the wrong idea, and I'll try to see them the way you have."

"No interruptions?"

"I will shut up and let you talk."

"Good. It didn't start the first day you showed up — well, in a way, it did, because he spent the whole time sucking up to you with this pained look on his face, and if any of us had been his boss we would have smacked him down right there, but it wasn't after at least a few weeks of this that someone wondered why you never said anything...."

Lewis had a long memory. For the next quarter of an hour he went through Jon's entire career at The Daily Show, sometimes with exact dates but more often with a vague gesture and an emphatic "And after that..." There were some incidents Jon remembered well, many that came back to him as they were described, and a few that he didn't remember at all. Still, there were more than enough of those he remembered to make the point.

"And then he talked on the show about blowing O'Reilly, and I didn't see your reaction but I'm sorry I missed it, because the next time I came in people were still talking about how you were halfway to leading a mob down to Fox with torches and pitchforks. Every time he gets sick, you're with him at the hospital. And all this time you're doing this increasingly personal shopping, starting with furniture — no, starting with the house, and two people don't usually buy and decorate a house together unless they're both gonna live in it — and ending up with strollers! What's next, baby clothes?"

It was a moment before Jon realized that Lewis had stopped talking; it didn't help that the other man hadn't stopped moving, his face twitching and his hands jerking like a marionette's.

"Oh, God, you didn't space out on me, did you? How much of that do I have to repeat?"

"No, no, I got it. Sorry, I thought that was a rhetorical question."

"Well, it was. But I was done."

Jon nodded. "Okay," he said slowly. "It's...kind of a lot to digest."

"Go ahead. I need a drink anyway." Lewis got up and went over to the water cooler, leaving Jon to look blankly in the direction where he had been.

Some part of his brain tried to offer up rationalizations for a few of the incidents on the long list, but as they made no difference it soon shut up.

This isn't just trashy tabloid speculation or an unusual incident catching someone's eye. This is our normal behavior.

The blatant professional favoritism needs to stop — God, I can't believe nobody ever called me on that.

And the rest of it — all the personal stuff that just happens to look really gay — I could stop that too. Stop having lunch with Stephen every other day. Tell him he needs to start shopping on his own. Quit fussing over him, hopping to answer his calls, getting excited when the toss comes around...

But I can't cut ties with him, not now — for the baby's sake if nothing else—

Another part of his brain chimed in, with a voice that sounded suspiciously like Lewis': Who are you trying to fool, Stewart?

He tried again. I can't cut ties with him now, because I don't want to. Stephen's my friend, and in spite of all his flaws I happen to like him.

Maybe even love him, in, y'know, a friendly type of way.

And if our normal behavior suggests something else to people, well...

A thought struck him, and he smiled in spite of himself.

"Somethin' funny?" asked Lewis, setting a paper cup down in front of him.

"Nah. Ironic." Jon took the water without looking up. "I've been all neurotic about this, and taking that out on other people, and now, with everything laid out, I can see — it is what it is, and I should relax about it, and why do I care what other people think, anyway?"

He shook his head.

"Now, how the hell did Stephen figure that out before I did?"


♦ ⋅ ◊ ⋅ ♦ ⋅ ◊ ⋅ ♦


In an extra meeting room at the end of a long hallway that no one ever followed all the way to the end, sitting on chairs that had been banished there for squeaky wheels or missing legs or failure to match any other remaining seats around the studio, encamped between piles of out-of-date and broken equipment that was too big to be easily shuttled off, the staff of The Daily Show sat and talked.

They had, under DJ's direction, sorted out the agenda for the day. Already they had been keenly aware of the reason for their boss' absence, but it was worse when it became clear that there was no more business to be done, and yet no one could leave. Some of the writers sat back and attempted to lay out their assignments, or ended up in little huddled clumps with researchers to go over figures. Others tried in vain to make small talk. On the floor in one corner, a group of interns played Egyptian Rat Screw.

All the shuffling of paper and clearing of throats and mumbling of facts or figures or polite nothings was rubbish at filling the Stewart-shaped hole in the discourse, and John felt as though he were standing on the edge of that hole, so that any false step would send him tumbling downwards.

Rob was paying special attention to him where small talk was concerned. John appreciated it, but he couldn't really pay attention. Now that he was back in the studio, all he could think of was how handy Rob could be as a thing behind which to hide.

And then the door opened, and there, alone, stood Stewart. A hush fell across the room. Under the table, Rob squeezed John's hand.

"It has come to my attention," said Stewart into the stillness, "that I have been kind of a dick."

The staff let out a collective sigh of relief.

All except for Rob. "Yeah," he said, unmollified. "Yeah, you have."

He glared defiantly at Stewart. The room cringed; but the boss met his gaze without flinching or glaring back. "I deserved that," he admitted. "Just don't say it on-air, because that would be crossing a line."

A couple of people laughed in spite of themselves; others got the joke a moment later and snickered; and by the time Stewart began making proper apologies, most effusively to John, the tension had begun to ease.

Comments

[sarcasticsra]

"Now, how the hell did Stephen figure that out before I did?"

That is an excellent question, Jon. =P

Great chapter! I do so love Lewis.

(You have no idea how badly you have hooked me with this fic. It's evil-I-tell-you-evil. =P)

[ptahrrific]

And I could go into a long essay on their respective emotional states, how Stephen is better at compartmentalizing, and how the way they see each other is changing -- but I don't want to give away too much of what's coming. Suffice to say that yes, it's an excellent question, and it's about time Jon asked himself some of those.

Lewis is fun.

And thank you!

[raindroproses.livejournal.com]

So I woke up early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, and I decided to go look for some good fanfic. And then I stumbled across this and read the entire thing in one sitting. And all I have to say is: You. Own. My. Soul.

[ptahrrific]

Always delighted to have new readers. (And new souls. Crispy!)

Thank you!

[girlgeekwankery.livejournal.com]

Oh man, Lewis rants always make my day. :)

Egyptian Rat Screw FTW! Reminds me of the boring last couple of weeks of high school that were made less boring by playing that and Spoons in photography class.

Rob squeezing Jon's hand made me "aww"! And Rob defending him! So cute.

[ptahrrific]

I do not actually know how to play Egyptian Rat Screw. It's one of those things other kids did when bored. Me, I drew =)

Glad you like!

[favabean05.livejournal.com]

LewisBlackRocksMySockILoveHimOhMyGod!!!!! *ahem* Your Lewis is amazing. So funny.

"It has come to my attention," said Stewart into the stillness, "that I have been kind of a dick."

I totally heard that in Jon's voice and I cracked up laughing. Don't know why, I just did, hahaha.

And I agree with geekgirlwankery Egyptian Rat Screw wins. I stole my whole soul with that referece. I haven't played that years, and I had forgotten about it until I read that. Then I remember how awesomely fun that game is!

I am in love with this story.

[ptahrrific]

Lewis is amazing. I just try to do him justice.

Never would've guessed that ERS would be so popular =D

Thank you!

[belmanoir.livejournal.com]

"I found Dr. Moreau," she said. "She said to tell you she's sorry."

AUGGGGGHGGHGHGHGH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! worst cliffhanger ever! how could you??????

oh god, the backstory about craig kilborn kinda broke my heart...

[ptahrrific]

With the happy ending to the John-O saga, I had to put some drama in. Hang tight.

(Stephen breaks my heart.)

[taleya.livejournal.com]

Godly. Writing. Of. Lewis.

*is in awe*

[ptahrrific]

Wait, seriously?

Thank you ♥

[rikimae.livejournal.com]

Ok... you've got me on the edge of my seat now.... I want to know what's going on at the hospital!!!
and what is Egyptian Rat Screw? I can't say I've ever heard of it..

[ptahrrific]

ERS is a card game that people play when they're bored.

Hang in there.

[nacchi-camui.livejournal.com]

I'm so hooked by this story, and this wonderful chapter confirms that. Your Lewis was hilarious and I love the whole Jon/Stephen relationship 'study'.

"I found Dr. Moreau," she said. "She said to tell you she's sorry."
Damn cliffhangers ! I'm telling myself she's only sorry she can't talk to him right now or something. Yeah.

[ptahrrific]

Thank you! The Jon/"Stephen" relationship absolutely fascinates me.

Hang in there.

[jimmy-tinsel.livejournal.com]

LEWIS!!! *flails and pounces and snuggles with love*

Don't really know if that's toward the Lewis you wrote, or you...or possibly the real Lewis (which you wrote wonderfully).

AND JOHN! *leaps onto him as well*

And Rob being all protective. Awwww. *flutter* I'm starting to like him now.

And poor Stephen, blowing Craig and all...iiicky... *pats him and his tummehbaby*

And Jon! Really! How can you be so ignorant! RAWR.

And btw: SORRY ABOUT WHAT?!?! WHAT'S THE DOCTOR SORRY ABOUT!?!!? YOU KILL SOMEONE IN THIS FIC, I KILL YOUUUUUUZZZ!! *points finger and threatens more*

[ptahrrific]

Oh, I'm glad you like Lewis =3 And John and Rob, for that matter.

"Poor Stephen" is a mantra of mine. And Jon's a sweetheart; he's just naïve, plus he was too well-trained by Stephen to ignore things.

Hang in there.

[girlofjuly.livejournal.com]

I love Lewis :) Awesome.

[ptahrrific]

Thank you =D

[alivemagdolene.livejournal.com]

I'm dazzled, as per usual. Oh, and

|e|x|p|e|c|t|i|n|g| - my anti-drug. :^D


And I snickered delightedly at the stuff about Kilborn. So wrong, at yet so apparently true to his personality (from what I've read about the incident with Lizz Winstead).

[ptahrrific]

Glad you like!

A caveat about Craig: There is evidence that he was at times a jerk. There is, however, no reason to believe that the real man would engage in prolonged sexual extortion of an employee. I vilify him in this story for dramatic purposes, but in terms of the actual person it's unfair to extrapolate the latter from the former.

[elizabethjoan.livejournal.com]

Of course, by the afternoon he had usually heard something in the news that made him cranky, and by evening if he was doing a show he had practiced the delivery of many other things that made him cranky, and he didn't believe in a higher power but sometimes the fact that he got paid to yell at things made him wonder.

Ahaha, that's wonderful. =]

[ptahrrific]

Thank you =D

[canadian-plant.livejournal.com]

Awlkfdljds SORRY FOR WHAT? Gah, the suspense.

Hah, I love Lewis. And your Lewis is very good (if less of a potty-mouth). The whole kissing thing was sooo funny, by the way. Poor Jon really is naïve.

Loved this chapter.

[ptahrrific]

What with wrapping up the John-O cliffhanger, I had to get tension in some other way. Hang in there.

To his peril, Jon has been well-trained by Stephen to ignore such things.

Thanks ^_^

[gaiafaye.livejournal.com]

"I found Dr. Moreau," she said. "She said to tell you she's sorry."

Aw, that was mean to leave off like that! haha

I love Lewis. And Rob's protectiveness is very cute. :)

I've never played Egyptian Ratscrew either. I've never even heard of it until now.

[ptahrrific]

I've played ERS maybe once. I definitely don't remember how to play.

Glad you like =D

[jhyj.livejournal.com]

"I found Dr. Moreau," she said. "She said to tell you she's sorry."

Wuuuuuuuuh?!?!? :bites nails:

[ptahrrific]

Hang in there!

[selfunderstared.livejournal.com]

Oh, freckled nurse, tell us! Sorry for what?
Also, I think that's a fine Lewis you have going there, ma'am.
I have never played Egyptian Rat Screw, but I am going to assume hte rules are similar to those of Mau.
Finally, aww, Rob. He's going to get himself and John matching tie-tacks, isn't he?

[ptahrrific]

Mmm, suspense.

Thank you!

Wikipedia knows the rules of ERS; I don't.

Rob will do all kinds of well-intentioned-but-clumsily-carried-out things for John, and John will think it's all very sweet, so it'll work out ^_^

[violent-rabbit.livejournal.com]

This was briliant. The tension was crackiling! And the pace was absolutly perfect, Lewis's rant to Jon Blushing and his apologies. Just, SO GOOD.

Awwwww, Rob. :D

[ptahrrific]

Hohoho. So glad you liked it =D

[xx-azure-sky-xx.livejournal.com]

Guh you've made me sooo hooked on this fic. I don't normally like m-preg 'cause...I never really saw a reasonable way a man should or could get pregnant but this fic is really well done, and just about the only m-preg fic I've liked. XD

Also I love how everything just seems to un character to me. Love your fic, and it makes me want to draw fic-art for you VERY badly. XD

[ptahrrific]

I can see it working out in a magical or sci-fi series. It can be pulled off here because the TCR 'verse has always had a sense of unreality to it.

So glad you're liking it! And if you draw art for it, you will make my week =D

[darkfaery1.livejournal.com]

Only Lewis could have pushed his way through the thick haze of Jon's denial. He's so much fun. =)

And then the door opened, and there, alone, stood Stewart. A hush fell across the room. Under the table, Rob squeezed John's hand.

Awww. I'll just gooble up any little Rob/John bone you care to throw in my bowl.

[ptahrrific]

He IS fun. Although, if it took this much to get through to Jon, what's it going to take to reach Stephen?

Come to the Wilmore/Oliver side! We have investigations!

[onyx-demoness.livejournal.com]

So yes. I lurk on just about everything you write TDS-wise, and I figured that my all-consuming love for this story is reason enough to come out of the woodwork.

Lewis! *flails happily* And an intervention! Interventions are now officially a New Favorite Thing of mine, thanks to this week's Rescue Me and the above. *points*

Your character progression OWNS MY SOUL. With the bits at a time and the coming to terms and the just plain human emotion of it all.

Seriously, if I could have this story's tasteful mpreg babies I would.

[ptahrrific]

I have a lurker? This I did not know. Nifty =D

So glad you pointed out the character progression. I knew Stephen had a big growing-and-changing arc to go through, but I didn't know at first how dramatic Jon's would be. And in between that I'm trying to work in the things I want to do with Tad and Bobby, not to mention Dr. Moreau, and then as I've said the Rob/John snuck up on me...

So I'm glad it's coming across well for you, and thank you!

[mynx42.livejournal.com]

every single person who has ever worked here -- every correspondent, every contributor, every producer, every researcher, every technician, hell, even the interns -- has gone through a phase where they wonder if you're screwing Colbert!"

::gapes like a fish::

You don't want to know what burbled up from my wicked fangirl brain when I read that...but it was pretty...

Great job on the dialogue - I could absolutely hear both their voices in this.

[ptahrrific]

You sure? I've got a bit of a wicked fangirl brain myself...

And thank you =)

[crackt3h2nd.livejournal.com]

Well, it's official: Lewis has broken my swear-o-meter. DAMN. But yeah, Jon finally understood, and so John breathes free once more.

So that's how he became daddy. And I take it that Jon really is the man in this relationship, seeing as he's not as perceptive as Steph.

On a side note: NO!!!! THE BABY CAN'T DIE!!! ARGH!!!! Nor Stephen, of course.

[ptahrrific]

I like to think the gender roles of Jon and Stephen switch as the situation warrants. After all, Stephen is the less perceptive partner most of the time; plus, he's more active, whereas Jon (the character) tends to be passive -- but, again, most of the time.

Hang tight!

[elincubus.livejournal.com]

By now I really wonder how this Colbert Nation would have taken the "I blew O'Reilly" thing. I can them see buying Colbert's logic a la "If this is gay I don't want to be streight[...]", but that?
Sorry, I tend to overthink stuff, occasionally. I guess TCR is just so overblown and silly that taking it seriously (or pretending to) takes major dispension of disbelief. Still, it would be kinda funny how this version of the NoFactZone tries to explain that away *smirk*

And Lewis is just Lewis =D enough said.

[ptahrrific]

I think the TCRverse NFZ would have to be as good at selective perception as Stephen himself ^_^;