ptahrrific | Fake News: The Thing With Feathers, Chapter 3

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story: the thing with feathers

Fake News: The Thing With Feathers, Chapter 3

Title: The Thing With Feathers, Chapter 3
Fandom: The Daily Show/The Colbert Report
Rating: G
Words: ~1300
Disclaimer: Two.

For the Report characters: They and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and of course Viacom. Not mine. Sue me not, please.

And for the real people, the poem:
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what's said here is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because we like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
We don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.

Notes: I'm being awfully consistent with chapter lengths, aren't I?

For the full table of contents, click here.

The Thing With Feathers
Chapter 3

(there.)

He knocked on the door carefully. "Stephen? Can I come in?"

"Jon! Yes. Yes, come in."

He rattled the doorknob. "You've locked the door, Stephen."

"Oh, right! Sorry." There were a couple of thumps, and then Stephen pulled open the door to reveal an office in complete disarray. Papers had been piled all over the place, the couch cushions were scattered around the room, there was a paperweight on the filing cabinet and a bottle of shampoo on the desk, and the desk itself had been moved about two feet forward, chairs dragged out of its path.

And there in the middle was Stephen, tired and disheveled from the exertion of all this rearrangement, but smiling a brilliant and relieved smile. "Come in, come in. Boy, are you a sight for sore eyes."

"Thank you, Stephen," replied Jon, a little surprised. He didn't often get compliments from this man, and it was a shame he couldn't stop to savor the moment, but he pressed on. "Bobby told me you ran off the set. Is anything wrong?"

Stephen froze.

"Come on, Jon," he said, almost pleading, "don't tell me you're in on it too."

He started to back away; Jon didn't follow, but pushed the door closed behind him, cutting off the rest of the world. "Stephen," he said gently, holding up his hands in the universal gesture of I'm not about to pull anything on you. "I'm not 'in on' anything. I don't know what's going on. But whatever it is, I can tell it has you upset, and I take that very seriously."

"'Upset'? Jon, I am rapidly plummeting towards terrified."

It was said with sheer, raw, emotional honesty, and Jon could feel his heart melting. For years he had been trying to ease open Stephen's emotional defenses, and now they were just gone, as completely as if they had never been.

"Stephen," he said again. "What do you want to do?"

"I just want to go home," whispered Stephen.

"Okay," murmured Jon, low and soothing. "Let's get you home."

"But I can't. I can't find my keys. Whoever went through my office, they took my keys."

"Your house keys?"

"No, I found those first thing. My car keys."

Had something happened to Sam? Jon decided not to press it. "I came over in a company car," he said. "I know you don't like riding in unfamiliar cars, but if you're willing to do it, just this once..."

"Sure. No problem."

"All right." Jon opened the door again; Bobby was standing just down the hall. "Send everyone out for a late dinner break," he directed. "An hour, tops. I'll take care of this."

The stage manager nodded and headed off to spread the news; Jon turned to make sure that Stephen was coming. He was, but warily.

Well, it was better than nothing.

"Sorry about the clothes," said Stephen as they emerged onto the street where the car had pulled up. "I couldn't find my regular ones, either."

As far as Jon knew, the collared shirt and pressed pants that Stephen was wearing were his regular clothes. Certainly Jon had never seen him in anything else. The only difference was that he didn't have a tie on. "I like you in these," he offered.

Stephen paused in the middle of opening the door. "Are you humoring me?" he demanded.

"I'm not! I swear I'm not! I really like these!"

His friend still looked dubious, but he swung himself into the car and shut the door. That at least was normal behavior for him -- suspicious and self-centered -- and Jon found it oddly comforting as he jogged around to the other side and climbed in.

"You're coming?" asked Stephen in surprise as Jon's door shut with a thud.

Normally Jon was not one to force his presence on his friend, but tonight he felt he ought to make an exception. "You're distraught," he said, trying not to sound accusing. "I don't want you to be distraught and alone."

Stephen was leaning against the far door, and for a moment Jon was afraid he was going to throw it open and jump out. But no, he reached for his seatbelt. (Stephen wore seatbelts?) "Thank you," he said as he buckled it. "I really appreciate that."

Thank goodness the car was dark, because Jon knew he was blushing.

"That's what friends are for," he replied quickly, and busied himself with his own seatbelt.

---------------------
---------------------
(here.)

He was straightening up his desk and turning off his televisions for the night when his cell phone rang. "Hello?"

"Jon? It's Eric. Are you still around?"

"I'm just on my way out the door. What's up?"

"Do you think you could come over? There's something going on with Stephen."

Jon locked his office and continued the conversation on his way down the hall. "What kind of something?"

"It's ... hard to explain. You kind of have to see it to get it."

"Is he okay?" asked Jon quickly.

"I don't know. He's not hurt, if that's what you mean -- except for the wrist, obviously. But he's ... like I said, I don't know how to explain it."

"Could you try? At least give me some idea of how serious it is?"

"Well, I don't know that either. It's like..." There was a pause as Eric struggled for words. "It's like he's fallen into character and he can't get up."

Jon considered this.

"You're right," he said. "I think I need to see it."

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Stephen was lounging in his chair on the set, feet propped up on the giant C of his desk, when Jon showed up. The car must have dropped him off in the garage rather than on the street, because he came in through the back door.

"Jon! Hi!" he said brightly. "What are you doing here?"

"Came to see you, Stephen." But when Bobby and Allison clambered down from their awkward positions in the audience seating, Jon turned to greet them first.

They held a brief, low conversation that left Stephen increasingly frustrated. What were his stage manager and his Jewish friend doing, whispering about him to some stranger? He would have shouted at them all, but he did have his dignity to think of. Instead, when Jon finally came over to talk to him, he settled for giving the man a frosty glare.

Jon -- his nice, mild, gentle Jon! -- matched it.

"Seriously, what are you doing?" he asked, and somehow he managed to look incredibly stern despite the old grey T-shirt and khakis.

Stephen would not be cowed. "I'm not doing anything," he snapped. "I'm certainly not having secret conversations with a menial staff member and some random woman, and leaving my Catholic friend out of them, and then acting like it's his fault."

"They're not -- Stephen, they're Eric and Allison. Your writers. You know them."

"I know Bobby. I don't know this Allison, and I've never heard of Eric."

Jon stared very hard at him. Stephen met the stare defiantly. If his Jewish friend was going to be bizarre, he wanted no part of it.

At last Jon turned to Bobby and Allison. "I think this is serious," he said to them. He was still talking about Stephen as though they weren't right next to each other, but at least he wasn't whispering any more. "And I think we'd better keep an eye on him for a while."

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It was said with sheer, raw, emotional honesty, and Jon could feel his heart melting.

Aww! Report-'verse-Jon is so sweet. I love how he's completely disarmed by Stephen's unexpected niceness. It seems like he's going to fall so hard for Stephen.

Jon -- his nice, mild, gentle Jon! -- matched it.

Nice to see how much more dominant and assertive real-Jon is. Should be interesting to see how this plays out. I really like how you're exploring the differences between the two Jons, and I hope this comes up more in further chapters. As far as I know there haven't really been any fics comparing character!Jon with actual Jon, and there is definitely a difference between the two.

Eagerly awaiting the next chapter! ^_^

I love that book series your icon comes from. :^}

Oh, cool! I haven't met many who have read Juniper. :)

The differences will definitely be explored more. As I've said, I usually write "Jon" the same way I write Jon, but here I started drawing out the differences, starting with "character!Jon puts up with so much BS from character!Stephen that real!Jon would never tolerate" and goin on from there.

It's cool how much you're thinking about this, and thank you!

"character!Jon puts up with so much BS from character!Stephen that real!Jon would never tolerate"

Seriously. Character!Jon is a saint to put up with all that crap from character!Stephen. Poor character!Stephen and real-Jon will probably have a terrible time of it...

Character!Jon has his reasons.

And that's all the foreshadowing I'll do for now.

This is a really interesting concept and you're writing it so well. Character!Jon is carrying such a torch--the interactions between him and real!Stephen were so sweet. Real!Jon and character!Stephen are well matched in assertiveness--should be interesting to see how that plays out. What happens next I wonder?

I like your analysis. (And you've used two words that were key in my Jon-versus-Jon analysis: "sweet" and "assertive".)

Thank you, and stick around!

"It's like he's fallen into character and he can't get up." Hee!

This is The Best thing. Honestly.

Awww Stephen's! Im all worried for our Stephen in that dimension and a little for 'Stephen' in this, but I have a feeling pretty much anything rolls off 'Stephen's' back anyway, so.

I anticipate 'Stephen' growing up and his Jon evolving as people. Hopefully. Based on your past fine efforts int his fandom I ascertain that this wont be a 'rocks fall, everyone dies' type of ending, But, my paranoia remains. Not because of hints you may of placed, but my own pensive nature of the course of this.

And I think the chaptyers are too short. But I may be biased and a little/lot greedy.

...but I have a feeling pretty much anything rolls off 'Stephen's' back anyway, so.

Really? This takes place on August 13; have a look at NFZ's recap.

I like your predictions. And no, this will not be a "rocks fall, everyone dies" story. My favorite type of ending is "everyone ends up safe, happy, and fulfilled", but as you can tell, at this point it will take a lot of work to get there.

Chapters start getting longer after this. Keep reading, and thank you!

Fallen into character and can't get up FTW!

At least the folks here understand "Stephen"'s character and can assume...I dunno...that he's got some weird psychological disorder which has stuck him in it? ;P The people over there are going to be so completely nonplussed.

"Jon" is sweet. :D He's used to a friendship that's hella abrasive and probably laced with repressed non-ironic sexual innuendo, so a little affection is going to be interesting. haha, yay!

I predict: "Stephen" is going to yell at a lot of people! Stephen is going to be upset that "Jon" isn't take-chargey enough! If and when they tape the shows, the TV audience will hardly be able to tell the difference! :D

Nonplussed is the least of it.

"Jon" is sweet, your analysis is lovely, and, wow, your predictions are amazing. I won't say how right or wrong they are, but I adore them.

Thank you!

Hee! You know your fans/readers well. ^_^

My favorite line (as has been noted by others as a fabulous line) is

"It's like he's fallen into character and he can't get up."

I love this especially since Stephen Colbert (actor) has fielded questions from those expressing concern that this would happen to him (of course, the interviewers have never put it as wittily). Although Stephen mused in response (at least in two of the interviews I've seen),

"It would make my job so much easier".

Ha! Apparently (in the created universe of the fan fic, anyway) not! Makes me enjoy this fic all the more~! :^D

If you didn't care how arrogant/mean/selfish you were, there would be a lot less to think about, so life could be easier. But it requires you not to care how many friends you have, either. Right now real!Stephen has free reign to be angry and abraisive, and he's going to use it; but he does care about his friends and relationships, and that's what will make it ultimately hard for him.

And that's all I'll say for now. Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting!

... you know, the "real" world folks ought to have the advantage here, because they should be familiar with both Stephen and "Stephen", while the Reportoverse staff doesn't know anything about Stephen. But somehow I get the idea that Stephen and "Jon" will handle it better! ♥

I just adore your Reportoverse Jon, by the way, and I feel sorry for Stephen, but I ache for "Stephen" - he's going to be so lost and broken when he finally gets it. (But it'll all be for the best in the end, right?)

I'm also a little nonplussed in terms of how I should feel about Jon. I sort of think, I guess, that fic!Jon, from probably more than half of the fic I've read, has more in common with your "Jon" than with your actual!Jon. I mean, I think I can predict what "Jon" will do next, but I'm not so confident in my ability to read Jon. So I'm really curious to see how this plays out for me! :D

.. I have to run, but I'm sure I'll be thinking about the Jon-ness of Jon all day. Mmmm, meta.

...the "real" world folks ought to have the advantage here, because they should be familiar with both Stephen and "Stephen", while the Reportoverse staff doesn't know anything about Stephen. But somehow I get the idea that Stephen and "Jon" will handle it better!

Oh, wow, I love the way you think.

The Report-world folks have an advantage of their own: they're used to crazy stuff happening in reality, not just in writing.

I'm glad someone is more worried for "Stephen". They're both going to have it rough.

I think, because Jon is mostly playing himself on TV, we tend to just use what we see on TV to write fic!Jon. Trying to write "Jon" without the underlying Jon, and Jon without the pretense of "Jon", was, as I've said, one of the most interesting parts of this fic.

This whole fic is up to the ears in meta. It's metalicious.

when Jon finally came over to talk to him, he settled for giving the man a frosty glare.

Jon -- his nice, mild, gentle Jon! -- matched it.

I just love "Stephen"'s indignance that no one is afraid of him. XD

Oh, indeed. "Stephen" is having a bit of culture shock right now.

Thank you!

Oh gosh yes. I don't have anything much to add but I agree with the first poster, I can see "there" Jon being completely blown away (*ahem*) by real!Stephen. Tee hee. :)

Their dynamic is certainly going to be an unusual one.

Thank you =)

This story continues to fascinate me, and while the line's already been quoted, "It's like he's fallen into character and he can't get up." really is brilliant. I can't say that I've thought too much about the difference between Jon and "Jon" before, but it's really very interesting.

As I've said, I usually write Jon and "Jon" the same way, so one of the most interesting parts of writing this story was bringing out the differences between them.

Glad you're enjoying =)

Jon -- his nice, mild, gentle Jon! -- matched it.
It was said with sheer, raw, emotional honesty, and Jon could feel his heart melting.

I find this really interesting; not just how you've written "Jon" as this sweeter, less assertive character, but how "Stephen' acknowledges it. I mean, that's how he sees "Jon": nice, mild, gentle. Which I suppose is necessary, because poor, messed-up "Stephen" needs someone gentle to bounce off of.

Gosh, now I'm worried about how he's going to handle this whole scenario without his gentle "Jon" to watch his back :-(

Also, awwww! "Jon" is smitten. Makes sense, of course, from what we understand of the Reportverse. I would expect nothing less :-)

"It's like he's fallen into character and he can't get up." Other people have said it, but I like how you put this. Funny and appropriate!

Remember the toss when "Stephen" pretended to have laryngitis, and was holding up signs to be read? One of them was "Thanks, Jon. That's sweet." When he was planning the prank, he anticipated (and correctly) that "Jon" would say something nice like that. Clearly, this is how "Stephen" sees "Jon".

I very much like your analysis. Stick around!

I'm finding "Stephen" and "Jon" really incredibly adorable, which is impressive. Upon reading the first two chapters I thought my sympathy would lie mostly with Stephen - he's trapped in a pretty harsh place (people are scared of him, and don't even know what you've done with his family yet), while "Stephen" is surrounded by people who care about Stephen and are really concerned.

Yet now I'm really more worried about "Stephen." I mean he's delicate, isn't he? One big bundle of repression and neuroses.

"Stephen" is surrounded by people who care about Stephen and are really concerned.

Ah, there's the rub -- they care about Stephen.

I mean he's delicate, isn't he?

Oh, man. You deserve a gold star for noticing that one. Stephen is also a stranger in a strange land, but he has far greater emotional reserves on which he can draw. "Stephen", not so much.

Ah, there's the rub -- they care about Stephen. Oh, well, that doesn't bode well :-(

*is late*
Mm, suspenseful !
I'm also more worried about "Stephen", because the other writers might tell him he's not real or something like that... At least Stephen can pretend to be "Stephen" if he needs to.
I love how "Jon" is sweeter than Jon. Clearly to stand someone like "Stephen", you have to be very patient...and in my head "Stephen" kind of lust after him, so how is he going to deal with verynice!Stephen, I wonder~

Still can't wait for the next part (and obviously I like playing with the ") :D

Ooh. I love your analysis.

I won't say how right or wrong it is, but -- no, actually, I will: it's almost spot-on. As you will see =D

"I'm not 'in on' anything. I don't know what's going on. But whatever it is, I can tell it has you upset, and I take that very seriously."

Aw, I love how "Jon" is so used to Stephen's crap, and he has it down to a science...

I'm interested in how the dynamics will play out because I think "Jon" and "Stephen" are pretty clearly in love even if they haven't admitted it, but I'm not sure if Jon and Stephen are or if they're just friends...

Also, isn't this when "Stephen" was addicted to painkillers? What's going to happen with that?

Since the real Jon and Stephen (within the context of the story) are based on my best knowledge about the real Jon and Stephen (in real life), they're very good friends and both very much in love with their wives. "Jon" and "Stephen", not so much.

Also, isn't this when "Stephen" was addicted to painkillers?

Yes. You get a gold star for remembering that, and I'm not going to say anything more about it yet ^_~

I WILL re-read this tomorrow, I haven't read it thoroughly enough to fully bask in it's greatness. But I really like the subtle difference between the there!Jon and the here!Jon. I also like the Stephen's reactions. I am intrigued with the way this story is progressing so far. Very curious as to what the future actions these characters would take. Sort of like Merry and Pippin, or Aragorn and Legolas, but not.

Did I forget to mention that you've just opened the hatch in my mind that finally answered the difference between character!Jon and real!Jon? I will watch that Crossfire episode and the other interviews with him in it, just because of this. Thank you very much.

You mean "its greatness". (Sorry; apostrophe abuse is a pet peeve of mine ^_^;)

Er, you lost me with the analogy, but I'm glad you're intrigued!

Even in off-TDS interviews, Jon behaves much the same way he does during on-TDS interviews: mostly himself, but edited and polished to be a comedic version. (He was definitely serious in the Crossfire interview, though, and it's well worth watching.) He's not as scripted as he is in the tosses, but it's sort of a middle step between that and his real self.

Untangling the real!Jon from character!Jon (and vice versa) was one of the most fun parts of writing this story =)

To think, I got 94.3% in English last semester, and I trip on something as simple as that. *facepalm*

I lost myself in the analogy too. You're not alone.

I just downloaded the Crossfire interview yesterday and watched it now, and I must say that those guys are arsehats. Seriously, they remind me of those kids in my last school that would completely block off any means of retaliation or reply by cutting you off. The thing I like the most about Jon is that you almost get the real him in TDS interviews. His humor's not over-the-top (in my opinion) like Stephen's. He's sort of grounded, and you know...stuff.

I've re-read the chapter again, and I'm worried about the dynamics of their possible future relationships. If here!Jon and 'Stephen have the strong characteristics, then there!Jon and Stephen have the softer side, then would there be character development? I'm not saying that I couldn't see the possible ways this move on, but I 'm just slightly apprehensive at this point.

(Hope you're not too pissed off at me.)

Stephen's humor is meant to be over-the-top, so that's fine. Jon in interviews will occasionally refer to something untrue (usually self-deprecating) for a joke, but other than that I think it can all be taken as true.

Even though Stephen is nicer than "Stephen", he can still be plenty assertive and forceful. As you shall see.

(Not at all!)

I just have a Conan O'Brien phobia. Love the guy, but the over-the-top humor scares me. I think I sort of see it in Stephen's humor, so I sort of don't really like his style. I'm just...scared, and sort of nauseated by it.

Hmm...I would really want to see that.

(I have low self-confidence. That's why I think everyone's mad at me. Raised that way, I guess.)

Oh dear, maybe it's my psych nurse training but I hope they don't start pumping him full of antipsychotics. Seriously, you have me worried.

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Fake News: The Thing With Feathers, Chapter 3

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Completely OT, My Sincere Apologies

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"It's like he's fallen into character and he can't get up."

Re: "It's like he's fallen into character and he can't get up."

tl;dr ahead, Or Warning: oh boy Im feeling verbose today!

Re: tl;dr ahead, Or Warning: oh boy Im feeling verbose today!

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