ptahrrific | Fake News: Five Times Jon Terrified Stephen (5)

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Fake News: Five Times Jon Terrified Stephen (5)

Title: Five Times Jon Terrified Stephen (5)
Fandom: The Colbert Report
Rating: PG for innuendo
Words: ~3300 in total
Disclaimer: Two.

For the Report characters: They and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and of course Viacom. Not mine. Sue me not, please.

And for the real people, the poem:
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what's said here is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because we like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
We don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.

One | Two | Three | Four | ~~Five~~

Five Times Jon Terrified Stephen

Five.

He can't remember how they came to this point; his mind seems to have blocked out the rest of the conversation. All he knows is that Jon is pushing him and he's trying to evade it and it isn't working because every step is backing him closer and closer to the cliff.

Of course, they're having pizza for lunch.

"Don't be ridiculous, Stephen," says Jon, wiping tomato sauce from his lips. "Whatever you've done, it hasn't gotten rid of me yet, has it?"

"It's not what I've done, Jon," replies Stephen miserably.

"Well, what is it, then?"

His heels are on the edge. "It's what I want to do."

"Come on, Stephen. Just wanting to do something can't possibly be that bad."

"You don't know what it is, Jon."

"So tell me."

There's no way to get out of it. Nowhere to run. Nothing to do except take another step back.

"I want you, Jon," he says.

And then, "I love you."

Jon goes very still.

But he doesn't scream, or shout, or back away; and Stephen, barely breathing, teeters on the edge, clinging to the faint thread of hope that maybe, maybe...

"I'm married," says Jon at last.

"Yeah," says Stephen weakly. "So 'm I."

Jon shakes his head. "No, I mean, I'm straight."

His feet falter, his tether snaps, and Stephen topples over the edge. He buries his head in his hands. On the outside he can feel himself shaking; on the inside, falling...

And then he feels the touch of a hand, palm pressed gently against his hair.

"Stephen," says Jon softly. "Stephen, look at me."

It takes him some time, but at last Stephen looks up, blinking very hard to clear his vision, which has gone maddeningly swimmy.

"I can't," says Jon. "I can't. I'm married; I'm monogamous; I'm straight. I'm sorry. But -- Stephen. Listen to me. Stephen."

He holds Stephen's gaze, and he doesn't look away.

"You're not going to scare me away with something like that. I'm your friend, Stephen, and I love you as a friend, and you're never going to lose that. Never."

Stephen dissolves into relieved sobs, and Jon comes around the desk and holds him, just holds him -- which is the most he can do, certainly not as much as Stephen would have liked, and yet, somehow, it's enough.

Sometimes, when you fall off a cliff, someone catches you.

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And now my heart of broken and I'm a wibbly mess.

I really liked all of these. =D

As I've said, this was written to break hearts.

Thank you!

*snap* *sniffle* Mission acomplished.

♥

Ohhhhh, Stephen.

These five things have given me extra perspective into "Stephen," and for that I thank you - because as much as I try to like the character, his obnoxiousness gets in the way more often than not. And you've put him into a better image, closer to everything Stephen has said about him (poorly informed, high volume, completely incurious etc)... but still essentially a good person. Just not fully matured.

And Jon holding a relieved sobbing Stephen is just... yes. I didn't want this to end! But it does, and perfectly.

In a podcast interview I just listened to, Stephen calls "Stephen" a "holy innocent", and I thought, yes. Exactly. I, of course, like him very much, so I'm thrilled that this has had that effect on you.

So glad you liked the ending, and never fear: I have much more fic to write, Stephen-tormenting and otherwise.

Oh Stephennnn. *bawls* At least it's out in the open and he knows he'll still always have Jon, but oh, god, I still feel so bad for him. I love him dearly- I want him to have everything he wants, Jon included. (*pause* Well, everything he wants other than, you know, things that would seriously screw the rest of the country over.) Ah well, they've ended up together in some of your other stories, so I can always go reread one of those. :P

This was a lovely set of stories, as always, and I can't wait to read what you post next!

It's an amazing relief to have it out in the open. The other fears for Jon's sake -- of losing Jon, of hurting Jon, of breaking Jon -- were circumstantial. The fear of scaring your beloved away -- that just hangs over you, constantly.

Now that it's out, now that he has a definite rejection, he has the closure necessary to move on. The door is open for him to fall in love with someone who would return it, and to eventually be happy.

I have this constant struggle when writing Stephen: I, too, want him to be happy, but most of the things he wants would be just so destructive. He wants what he thinks is best; he just has no idea what that is.

So glad you liked this piece. Stick around.

Awwwwwww. You know what else broke my heart recently? Stephen crying after getting rejected by the South Carolina Dems. YOU HAVE PERMANENTLY DAMAGED MY PSYCHE. I hope you're proud. =)

Muahahahaha. Now you will feel what I feel all the time when I watch that show.

Seriously -- there are few things I like better than a reader telling me she watches Stephen with more sympathy now. Thank you.

(As everyone else has said already,) Oh Stephen.

That just broke my heart. Poor Stephen. It just tugs at your heartstrings.

It bears repeating.

As does this: I wrote this to break hearts, so, sadistic as it sounds, I'm glad it worked. Thank you.

You've succeeded in breaking my heart, congrats ;_; I love "Stephen" too much and you write him too well.

Wonderful fav line : which is the most he can do, certainly not as much as Stephen would have liked, and yet, somehow, it's enough.

That was the goal, thank you.

I don't believe it's possible to love "Stephen" too much. Not when his need is so great, and he's so fragile.

♥

I love the stuff you've written. Please write more. :)

Thank you!

I'm 15,000 words into the next story already. I'm not stopping any time soon.

Oh, yay, Jon made it better! And Stephen was so brave! *is so proud of him*

I love every bit of this. ♥.

Given that, when this happened to me, I was in Stephen's place, I'm glowing with residual pride here. (Of course, I was closer to 14 than 40 at the time, but he's probably less mature than I was then...)

Even straight!Jon is ready to fix Stephen.

Thank you!

</3 says it all :( Great stories though

Awww baby! Jon is the best friend ever. Awwww. Go find yourself a nice man.

Jon is an amazing friend.

Now that he's turned Stephen down, Stephen has the closure necessary to fall in love with someone who isn't straight. My hopes for him are high ^_^

I'm crying now.

*hugs*

It's a happy ending in the long run. I promise.

All of these stores have been very good, but I think this one is my favourite of them all. Very poignant.

Lovely to hear. Thank you.

You have shattered my heart into a thousand trembling pieces.

Mission accomplished.

*hugs*

</3 D: (again! lol) Awww, this was soooo heartbreakingly sad, and yet I liked it a lot! D: well, then again, I do enjoy reading tragic/angsty stuff, but still, awwww! poor stephen! D,: I actually almost started crying too. Well, then again, I've sorta been on an emotional overload today, which might account for some of it, but still! If it weren't for my dad being in the room I probably would have cried! So props to you for such awsome writing. ;) D,: (ha ha, emoticon mood swings lol)

It's heartbreaking, but it's ultimately a happy ending, so that helps.

So glad you liked it, and that it was effective ♥

I read all of these either immediately before bed or right after waking up, so I haven't commented yet. I was assuming you'd want coherency.

I think this one and the one with the asthma attack are my favorites. Though I also really enjoyed Stephen's internal monologue after the toss. So, I liked all of them is what I guess I am saying.

The only thing I think they were missing - and maybe this is just outside the realm of "the point" of these - is "why" Jon loves Stephen. We know he does, because he said so, but we didn't really see any reason why he should. Or, other than in this part, any evidence that he does (other than he puts up with him, but I put up with a lot of people I don't love).

You've given us lots of reasons in other stories why he loves him (their argument in "Expecting" about stem cell research for example), but none here. And it's not always exactly the same "Stephen" and "Jon" from one of your universes to another (here he's married, but other times that whole thing was a lie, etc.), so just one tiny little reason would have been cool. It's easier with the "real" guys, because we know our audiences and it's safe to assume that few of us need reasons because *we* all love them.

But I always like to see your reasons for why we should love "Stephen". I think most of the time I do when watching the show just because I can see the real guy behind him. Same reason I couldn't watch The Office for a long time. I hate to see people embarrassed, and Michael is always doing something to embarrass himself. Now, Michael is not a guy I'd like to be friends with, but I love Steve, so I didn't like to see it. (For some reason, Steve being Steve making a fool out of himself on TDS is HILARIOUS and I have no problems with it).

Anyway, this: He buries his head in his hands. On the outside he can feel himself shaking; on the inside, falling...

And then he feels the touch of a hand, palm pressed gently against his hair.
is my favorite part. Something about the specific phrasing of the way Jon's touching him, and I have no idea why.

Ooh, interesting.

Although I change Stephen's circumstances, and his personality varies according to them, there are core features of his character that always remain the same.

He's clueless in a way that is (usually) charming. He's well-intentioned. He craves attention and approval. He's fragile and plagued by self-doubt. He always tries to do his best. He has a streak of childish innocence.

Those are reasons why I love "Stephen", independent of Stephen; and they're reasons why Jon loves him. All of them show up on TCR, too, so they shouldn't need re-establishing in every story. (Haven't I indoctrinated you into watching TCR with automatic sympathy yet? Tsk. I'm clearly not doing my job.)

So glad you like that line; it's the one I kept rewriting =)

Oh, I aww every sad thing he says. But because I like Stephen. I "awwed" at his Law & Order character who wasn't very nice. If "Stephen" were a real person I worked with, I'd stay away from him. I think most of the times where I could imagine possibly liking "Stephen" as a real person are tiny (or large) character breaks. Like where he was SO out of control with Jane Fonda. Or just when he gets *that* smile - the real one, not the character's smile. He'd be the guy at work that I'd find hilarious and charming when he wanted to be, but I wouldn't want to be his friend.

I was watching the Best of DVD, and when he's interviewing Eleanor Holmes Norton in the BKAD, there's a moment where you can just see him ramp the charm up. And he's still semi in-character, but it's a lot different than the guy he is at the desk, even at the desk interviews. It's Stephen with a side of "Stephen." Or maybe the other way around. That's the character guy I love. The other I love to...be amused by, I guess.

I didn't need a long explanation. And it could have come at the end, and that would have been excellent. Jon: "you'll never lose the love I have for you as a friend.... You're 'fill-in-the-blank here' - how could I give that up?" (Or something less crappy). Plus, it gives Stephen a reason to really love himself. (other than because Jon says he loves him)

It's not that you didn't make me love Stephen here. I totally did. I was upset when he was upset and I wanted him to win Jon at the end. But I got to hear his inner thoughts and know why he was acting the way he was. Jon didn't. I gotta look out for Jon and make sure he's not being shafted (which is what I would say if I viewed their tosses - the ones where no one cracks up anyway - as being real) in the friendship deal.

Oh, I aww every sad thing he says. But because I like Stephen.

There's the catch. I want you to aww because you like "Stephen".

It's not that you didn't make me love Stephen here. I totally did.

Oh good!

But I got to hear his inner thoughts and know why he was acting the way he was. Jon didn't.

Jon doesn't hear his inner thoughts, but Jon knows (or guesses) enough to love him.

Some of the tosses come off as simply mean, but the depth is clear in others, even in-character. The "where are you?!" toss, for example. And then there was the one before Thanksgiving where Stephen assumed Jon would come over, and was all excited that they would be making something (pie, I think) that he knew Jon really liked.

His pushing-Jon-around in most tosses seems mean, but it's a defense mechanism (that idea was especially developed in the first part of this story), and Jon understands that (which is why he puts up with it), even though he doesn't articulate it.

I just read all five segments in one shot, and my heart is broken into little itty-bitty pieces. Beautiful work! There's something very cathartic about reading stories that don't necessarily end happily - but you did this so wonderfully well. This last one was a particularly lovely way to wrap off the series. The last couple of sentences sealed the beauty.

I'm blabbering, I know - but I think you can get the gist of the gushing? :-)

At the end of this one, despite the tears, Stephen's going to be okay. He still has Jon's friendship, and he has the closure he needs to move on. I wrote the story to be heartbreaking, and the other parts end on sad notes, but this one is looking up.

So glad you liked it, and the (very articulate) gushing comes much appreciated =)

Ooh, no get-together. A delightful surprise. :)

Jon wouldn't abandon Stephen, and it's just so sweet. And, uh, the right thing to do, but sweet anyway.

Hmm.. but in a world where they are not together, which character best complements Stephen? Perhaps an original one. It's hard to think of anyone else because the two characters interact so well. The person for Stephen would have to be a lot like Jon, but probably more willing to call Stephen on his crap without destroying his self-image. I wonder if Jon has a cousin? ;)

I love that this fandom is at a point where "Jon is straight" qualifies as a twist.

As a match for Stephen in a straight-Jon world, I'm warming to Brian Williams. He has the sense of humor to take Stephen's BS in stride, the self-assurance to not take it personally, the intelligence and awareness to see and appreciate the real Stephen, plus the calm and Zen to call him on things without seeming accusatory.

Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting =)

I have to give myself a few minutes to get myself to read further. My heart broke a little, but it was wonderfully sweet in the end. :)

That's just the effect I wanted. So glad you liked!

Just heart-breaking. Just so bittersweet.

Nice work.

Excellent. Thank you ^_^

oh.... *tears up* that's sweet. I think you put it best. "as much as [I] would have liked, and yet, somehow, it's enough." way more than enough. great ending to this =D

Most excellent. So glad you liked it =)

Honestly. I think this is my favorite ending to a Jon/Stephen story ever because it's the one I can really REALLY see happening - Stephen confessing his playful banter has truth behind it, and Jon being as straightforward, honest, and loving a friend as we imagine him to be. :sniffles:

BTW what ipod interview of Stephen are you talking about that mentions "holy innocent"? It sounds familiar.. Thanks for the lovely story!

Thank you. I still think this is probably the most realistic fic I've written ^_^;

I'm not exactly sure which interview (it's been a while, and I have a lot of them), but it's probably one of these.

OMG THANK YOU ::regains composure::

Thank you for sharing these, Stephen's voice is heavenly, the fact that he's generally interesting and amusing is just a bonus. I just finished listening to Wigfield so I'm glad to have new fodder to devour!

Ah yes, I do love this story.

I wanted to note that Colbert might have meant the 'holy innocent' comment to mean 'wholly innocent.' I think.

It's definitely "a holy innocent". It's a historical term used by the church for someone who lacks the mental capacity to be really malicious, which fits with the "well-intentioned idiot" parts of his character.

And thanks =)

Sorry for over-commenting, but I really liked this one, too. Especially this last part. Oh, the angst!

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Fake News: Five Times Jon Terrified Stephen (5)

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