Fake News: Not Out Of The Woods Yet

[ptahrrific]

Title: Not Out Of The Woods Yet
Rating: G
Characters/pairings: Jon, liberal!"Stephen"
Disclaimer: Two.

For the Report characters: They and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and of course Viacom. Not mine. Sue me not, please.

And for the real people, the poem:
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what's said here is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because we like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
We don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.

Summary: I asked the Internet for ficlet prompts; aybara_max responded with "Liberal!Stephen takes Jon on a camping trip." (Mirror on the AO3.)

ETA: Speak of the devil: Stuff White People Like (stuffwhitepeoplelike_feed) just did an entry on camping!


Not Out Of The Woods Yet


"Jon! Jon, wake up!"

Jon grunts in the negative and tries to burrow deeper into the sleeping bag. His whole body is sore from sleeping flat on the ground, and a couple of unfortunately placed rocks have kept him from finding a single comfortable position all night.

"Wake up, quick!" hisses Stephen again, shaking his shoulder. "You have to see this!"

Finally, grudgingly, Jon hauls himself up and rubs his eyes. "What...?"

"Shh!" admonishes Stephen, plucking at his shirt. "Come look. But keep quiet!"

The light filtering into the small tent is the grey of pre-dawn. Jon swipes a hand along the dew-covered canvas and dabs the cold water on his face; it perks him up enough to crawl over to the flap, which Stephen is holding open just a crack.

He peeks out at the remains of their campfire, and gasps.

"Shhh," soothes Stephen again, chin pressed against Jon's temple as he leans in. "Isn't it magnificent?"

Jon hardly dares to whisper. "Stephen, it's a bear!"

"I know!" breathes Stephen excitedly. "We're really in the wild now! Nature at its finest!"

Jon supposes this shouldn't have come as a shock. He doesn't mind animals, but only when they come in manageable sizes or neatly packaged in a zoo; he only agreed to come on this trip in the first place after Stephen promised to choose a site with working latrines.

And now there's a massive grizzly not twenty feet from their tent, chewing up their prepackaged hot dogs. All of which is making Stephen's eyes sparkle like a kid watching fireworks.

"Next time," hisses Jon, "we're coming to a site with less nature."

Stephen drapes an arm around his shoulders. "You worry too much," he murmurs. "Hush and enjoy the moment."

Comments

[espreite]

"Next time," hisses Jon, "we're coming to a site with less nature."

Hehehe. Poor Jon is so out of his element. XD And liberal!"Stephen" would love bears.

[ptahrrific]

Of course he would. They're magnificently crafted children of the Goddess, don'cha know.

Thanks!

[seagullsong]

Ha ha, guys, you left the hotdogs just sitting out by your tent in the open? *pets* Big city boys are so cute and clueless. Also, "neatly packaged in zoos" FTW.

[ptahrrific]

Jon just didn't know any better. Stephen did, but he was secretly hoping something cool would show up. (Besides, he figured the animals would sense he was a kindred spirit, and not do anything to harm him.)

[rissaofthesaiyajin]

And let me guess, he thinks eagles are an outdated nationalistic symbol of an oppressive regime? Oh, l!Stephen, you so cute <3

[ptahrrific]

Sounds about right XD

[sarcasticsra]

Hahaha, oh, Stephen.

Cute!

[sirdrakesheir]

SO ADORBS <3

[fairchild]

It's too perfect, Stephen's love of the bear. My face-palming has been overshadowed by laughter at the happiness he is now trying to share with Jon.

[ptahrrific]

Stephen just wants to spread the joy!

[wishflower4.livejournal.com]

Of course he loves bears. XD And of course he's of the opinion that something natural wouldn't hurt him. I'm sure his opinion of poison ivy is...interesting.

[ptahrrific]

Just you wait, Jon. *scratch scratch scratch* Someday they'll discover that poison ivy reduces your risk for cancer. *scratch scratch scratch* Pass me the aloe vera?

:D

[aybara_max]

darling innocent l!"Stephen" in his natural habitat ^_^

This is probably a silly question, but what is l!"Stephen" afraid of?

[ptahrrific]

Not a silly question at all!

He's afraid of himself, mostly - of the possibility that he'll hurt people. In every other area, he aspires to be fearless. Partly because he's inspired by "we have nothing to fear but fear itself", and partly because he thinks being scared of someone implies mistrust, which in turn implies disrespect. (As opposed to c!Stephen, who thinks fear implies a healthy respect for power.) So he suppresses his instincts for reasonable caution.

After all, what did that bear, or that dark alley, ever do to deserve judgment? Maybe it's just misunderstood. Maybe the last few deaths were flukes. It's probably very sorry, and the best thing for him to do would be to forgive and forget, the operative word there being "forget".

[aybara_max]

Ah, of course! he thinks being scared of someone implies mistrust, which in turn implies disrespect I love the way your analyses of "Stephen" in his many forms reflects exaggerations of real life situations... I have encountered this situation myself, but in a slightly different form - procrastination. Fearing being overwhelmed by unnecessary worry and anxiety leads to no healthy sense of anxiety at all, making it difficult to feel the need to get things done in any sort of reasonable timeframe :-p

[ptahrrific]

Lol, maybe that explains why I procrastinate so much. There's such a thing as being too Zen for your own good ^_^;

[pseudo_tsuga]

l!Stephen strikes me as the kind of guy who thinks animals are all cuddly creatures that he can commune with and tries to make cats have vegetarian diets. Cute fic!

[ptahrrific]

Oh, man, yes. That's him all over. (His poor cats.)

Thanks!