Fake News: Anchor's Pet

[ptahrrific]

Title: Anchor's Pet
Series: TDS/TCR
Characters/Pairings: Jon, "Stephen", OCs
Rating: PG (one dead intern)
Disclaimer: See the index.

For stellar_dust, who prompted: "A kitten adopts the TDS studio. Stephen must, of course, do them one better." Prequel to Peachy Keen.



Anchor's Pet


There were very few ways to get Stephen Colbert to stop talking. Of course, most of them were unethical, if not downright illegal. But you could also just tell him that everyone else was getting to see something special, and the only way he could get in on the action was to keep very, very quiet.

(Jon had to resist the urge to add "We're hunting wabbits.")

Once Stephen's mouth was firmly clamped shut, Jon slid open the window (so well-oiled these days that it didn't even creak) and motioned for him to lean out.

The half-grown kitten on the windowsill eyed her new admirers warily, the tip of her tail flicking back and forth.

"She just showed up one day," Jon had explained earlier. "One of the writers started leaving scraps out for her, and she kind of stuck around. We've been calling her Margaret, after DJ's great-aunt - apparently the woman was a notorious cat lady in her day."

Now, as Stephen stared wide-eyed at the little cat (calico, with a fluffy white front, white paws, and ears much too big for its head), Jon leaned close to him and whispered in his good ear, "Do you want to feed her?"

"No, Jon, I do not want to feed her," hissed Stephen derisively out of the corner of his mouth. "She's a stray, not a tourist attraction."

"Suit yourself." Stepping back into the office, Jon grabbed the plastic container he had been saving for just such an occasion. He peeled off the lid, set a pinch of the salmon on it, returned to the window, and held it along the sill.

Margaret leaned forward, nose twitching as she investigated.

Jon set the makeshift platter down on the brick and withdrew his hand. A few moments later, the cat trotted forward, settled herself down, and began to nibble daintily at the offering.

Stephen, his eyes fixed firmly on her, didn't move through the whole thing.

When Margaret had licked the makeshift platter to her satisfaction, she turned around and strolled away. Once she was out of view, Stephen harrumphed and went right back to his usual volume. "She's not so great," he declared. "So your building got itself a pet. Big deal! It's just a cat. It's nothing special."


*

Jon let out an incoherent squeak and backed against the wall. "Where did you get that?"

"He just slithered in one day!" declared Stephen with affected nonchalance. "And then we started feeding him, and, well..."

"Stephen, it's a twenty-foot python."

"Isn't he awesome?" agreed Stephen proudly. "I'm thinking of naming him Tatsu, after the camera guy who made his first meal."

"So it wasn't you who decided to start feeding that thing," breathed Jon, feeling relieved in spite of the massive snake curled up on Stephen's couch.

"No, Jon," sighed Stephen, with the air of one who wants you to know just how lucky you are that he's being so patient with you. "Tatsu was the first one he ate. Try to keep up."

Comments

[holly-cullen.livejournal.com]

o_O When I saw the title, I thought the fic would be a bit like "Firm Haunches". I was wrong, to say the least.

[lavinialavender.livejournal.com]

Lol, Stephen.

Is he deaf in one ear?

[kick-back-80s.livejournal.com]

...I think Tatsu is going to eat Margaret D:

[ptahrrific]

Yep. (The wonky one. Something to do with surgery for a perforated eardrum when he was young.)

[marylido101.livejournal.com]

Haha, ah 'Stephen'.

Hmm, wasn't the ear surgery to remove a growth? Sorta like a tumor though its not. There was a long name for it, starting with ch--something. Not too uncommon I recall. My gosh, the picture of young Stephen in his book had two perfectly good ears. I can't imagine how hard it would be for the parents to see their child go through that.

[amisophe.livejournal.com]

I'm assuming that was intentional, Stephen's revenge ;)

[ptahrrific]

Yeah, this one's actual fluff =P (Except for the dead intern, but, y'know, it's only an intern.)

(Although I can certainly write more like Firm Haunches, if anyone's interested...)

[(Anonymous)]

Aww, Stephen's jealous! Which is too bad, because we've seen how good he was with Daisy the cow. If he were that sweet to a kitten, well, the world might not have been able to handle the cuteness.

~A. Fann

[bobdafrogg.livejournal.com]

All those interested say 'aye.'

'Aye.'

(I hope thats right. But just to be on the safe side I'll also say 'I' and 'eye.')

[jmie.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHA!

Oh, I know the day is still young, but it's been such a bad one, and this fic made it much better.

I love how Stephen is actually quiet for the half-grown kitten, enough not to shoo it away and to see what all the fuss is about for one thing. And then I love how he tries to one-up TDS studio with an ultimately cooler (from a certain standpoint, though I prefer the cat,) python.

He even uses the same formula as Jon, "He just slithered in one day!" so we fed him, and XD. Oh, Stephen. Someone should pet you. Anyway, bonus points for poor, scared, squeaking Jon. Though, it is a python, after all.

[sahrafel.livejournal.com]

(Bollocks, wrong LJ!)

Seconding that aye and adding a 'oh yes, please?' :)

[marylido101.livejournal.com]

Okay, I only just noted the ominousness of this line:

"Stephen, his eyes fixed firmly on her, didn't move through the whole thing."

lol!

[holly-cullen.livejournal.com]

AYE! AYE! AYE! AYE!


...Please?

[gaiafaye.livejournal.com]

LOL I hope Stephen doesn't think the pets should have a playdate.

[sloppycronkite.livejournal.com]

"He just slithered in one day!" declared Stephen with affected nonchalance. "And then we started feeding him, and, well..."

XD

I reckon Stephen could like Margaret, if he got to know her. :)

[anais-rhys.livejournal.com]

AYE )@*#$()@#*( AYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::Jumps up and down waving hand::