Drawing the Line, episode 1.01

[ptahrrific]

Title: Drawing the Line, episode 1.01: Brooks Brothers Lawsuit
Rating: TV-14 (effectively, PG-13)
Series: TDS/TCR; Harvey Birdman
Disclaimer: This is a work of parody. Although reference is made to real persons and places, the dialog, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only. The animated characters are copyright various studios, none of which are mine.

In which Jon needs a defense, Judy is enthusiastic, and Harvey gets the job. Meanwhile, Stephen is melodramatic, and Reducto does a lot of twitching.

Table of contents.



Drawing the Line
Episode 1.01
Brooks Brothers Lawsuit

Looking out this window, you can see a beautiful view of Toontown, USA. A quiet little town, much like yours or mine. A city where ordinary people (and animals, robots, aliens, poorly drawn unidentifiable scribbles, etcetera) live in peace and harmony.

OR IS IT?

Most of the citizens think so. Happy and carefree, they go about their daily business—unaware of the earth-shaking conflicts occurring right under their noses!

Yes, this is a town full of danger. Supervillains are crafting insidious plots at every turn. Monstrous (but secretly lonely and misunderstood) creatures seek to rampage, wreaking havoc. Seemingly respectable, straightlaced businessmen run red lights.

And who protects the innocent from these dastardly deeds?

Why, none other than that winged warrior, that noble seeker of justice, that ever-vigilant super-est of superheroes—BIRDMAN!

Hark! The Bird-Phone!

"It's . . . really just a regular phone," protested Harvey.

"It may look like just a regular phone," declared Judy, who had built up a head of dramatic steam and had no intention of stopping now, "but that ordinary-sounding buzzing is a call to JUSTICE!"

"Right. Well, could you keep the narration down while I take this?"

"Of course! Right away!"

While his assistant turned back to the window and continued muttering dramatic introductory phrases under her breath, Harvey put the phone on speaker. "Yes?"

"Mr. Birdman? A Jon Stewart here to see you."

Judy broke off her monologue with a strangled squeak. Harvey decided to ignore it.

"Send him in."

—

The office was relatively normal, at least as far as Jon could tell. Sure, there were a lot of primary colors, but the law books and the paperweights and the degree in its frame on the wall were official enough. You had to be willing to let go of some assumptions in this town.

Case in point: the giant purple eagle, gold collar around its neck, perched at a typewriter on the desk.

"Mr. Birdman?" asked Jon cautiously.

"Caw," replied the bird, shaking its head.

"Mr. Stewart! Hello! I was just sending my assistant out to get some coffee," exclaimed a refreshingly non-squawky voice. "Harvey Birdman. Glad to meet you. Please, sit down."

Except for the huge off-white wings, the figure was human. The bright yellow cowl was a bit of a distraction, but the suit was reassuringly dark. Subdued. Professional. Non-cartoonish.

Jon sat.

"This is my stenographer, Avenger," said Birdman, indicating the eagle, as he took his own seat behind the desk.

"Of course," said Jon. It wasn't any weirder than the anthropomorphic purple hippo who had joined him in the elevator. "Nice to meet you, Avenger."

"Caw," said Avenger politely.

"Now, Mr. Stewart, what can I do for you?"

"Call me Jon."

"Will that be all?"

He chuckled at his own joke. Jon tried not to wince. "No. Listen, one of my employees is suing me for sexual harassment, and I was hoping—"

"You're being sued?"

"That's right. By Stephen Colbert. You might have heard of—"

"Jon, you realize I'm a prosecutor, right? What you want is a defense attorney."

"I know, I know. It's just that he's hired one of your arch-nemeses to represent him, so I thought you might—"

"Who?"

I sure hope I'm pronouncing this right. "Uh, Reducto."

"REDUCTO!" shouted a voice behind him. "That fiend! He won't get away with this!"

Jon turned. Standing in the doorway was a young woman with a pinstriped suit, a red bob, a cup of coffee in one hand, and a glare that looked like it could cut steel. For all Jon knew, it actually would.

"My assistant, Judy Ken Sebben," said Birdman. "Um, Judy, we don't—"

"—allow innocent people to be victimized by supervillains!" finished Judy, striding forward like a one-woman army. "It's against the Bird-Code!"

The mask made the lawyer's expression hard to read, but Jon had the distinct impression that this was the first he'd heard of "the Bird-Code."

All at once the dramatic overacting switched off, and Judy set the styrofoam cup carefully on the desk. "Your coffee, sir." She turned to Jon. "You are innocent, right?"

"Yes," said Jon firmly.

"Great!" Judy struck a pose right off of a comic book cover, voice ringing with enough confidence that she could've made a mountain reconsider its position. "We'll take the case!"

Then she smiled eagerly down at Jon. "Mr. Stewart, I just want to say, this is a huge honor. I love your show."

—

"A-and then h-he—he—"

Stephen dissolved into tears for the third time in fifteen minutes, sobbing on his lawyer's shoulder. Or rather—since Myron Reducto had very thin shoulders, and a very large head—on his lawyer's bald green pate.

"There, there," said Reducto cautiously. Nothing in his career either as a supervillain or as a lawyer had ever involved comforting a (fully grown) adult male who was wailing like a (tiny) baby. "It's all right. No need to make a big scene out of this. Just tell me the facts, one little step at a time. One eensy beensy little bitty teeny weeny baby step at a time."

"A-all right," sniffled Stephen, letting go of Reducto and blowing his nose on a court brief.

Muttering darkly about germs, Reducto held out a gleaming trash receptacle containing a (miniature) incinerator. He tried not to scream when Stephen crumpled the makeshift tissue and tossed it over his shoulder.

"It's like this," Stephen continued, then paused, tears welling up in his eyes. Again.

"Let's try something different," broke in Reducto. "I've got a plan. I'll describe certain situations, and you tell me if they happened. That way I'll do all the talking, and you just need to say 'yes' or 'no'. Just one little word. Do you think you can handle that?"

"Yes," said Stephen tremulously.

"All right. Has he ever . . . " Reducto twitched. ". . . forced you to engage in . . . carnal acts?"

Comments

[tds-tcr-love.livejournal.com]

OH LOVE!!! I laughed so hard at all the shots at Jon's height. And then "I don't mean that I WANT Jon Stewart to impose his overwhelming manly physical presence on my helpless trembling frame!" No. None of us would ever want THAT. This concept is amazing and I'm really looking forward to more. Great job, as usual.

[ptahrrific]

Reducto has a slight obsession with tiny things =D

No. None of us would ever want THAT.

Of course not! XD

Thank you ♥

[gaiafaye.livejournal.com]

lol! Love the opening narration, as well as the increasing close-ups on Reducto's eyes.

And I have no idea what's up with the wall paper in the "..." panel, but it's adorable.

[ptahrrific]

It's not wallpaper, just a cute background for a gag scene. It's a Manga Thing ^_^;

Glad you like!

[colbertobsessed.livejournal.com]

Okay, this is MADE OF SO MUCH WIN! I'm *so* looking forward to more, Ptah! And the awesome patriotic writing you've got in there is SO FREAKIN COOL, lol! *applause*

[ptahrrific]

The font is Bodie MF, if you want to dig it up somewhere =D

So glad you like!

[colbertobsessed.livejournal.com]

SWEET, thanks! :D

[ergoregion.livejournal.com]

Oh my God, BRILLIANT. "No! I wish he HAD!" LOL. Cannot wait for more!

[ptahrrific]

Muahahaha. Poor Stephen. Thank you!

[canadian-plant.livejournal.com]

Since you probably can't hear it, this is me giggling madly :-D It's all great: Jon mistaking Avenger for Birdman, The Bird-Code, Stephen being very much Stephen, and Reducto's enthusiasm at Jon's shortness. And throwing Stephen out on his wonky ear XD

[ptahrrific]

I love working in random little details from the show, and Harvey Birdman gives me a whole new array of details to mix and match =D

So glad it amuses!

[peacebomb425.livejournal.com]

This is one of the best mash-ups I think I've ever seen. I would be very much willing to marry this story right now as it is. Will you do the honours of marrying us, Creator? X]

Seriously, this is amazing. And mother-effing hilaaaaarious!

[ptahrrific]

Only one episode in, and you're down on one knee? I think you'd better take my daughter story out on a couple of dates before rushing in like this =P

Seriously - thank you ♥

[peacebomb425.livejournal.com]

[unabstruse.livejournal.com]

I wasn't sure that I'd like this (mash-ups and crack not being my thing; I've also never seen HB) but I should have had more faith :) I laughed out loud a couple times (the switch from text to comic was just perfect timing) which wasn't so good seeing as I was at work.

You and all your many talents are made of awesome, ma'am- I'm looking forward to reading the next part! but maybe next time not on an office computer :/

[ptahrrific]

The Adult Swim video interface kinda sucks, but search for "Birdman" and you can watch clips =)

So glad I could exceed your expectations, and thank you! Although, reading LJ at work? Tsk, tsk! Nobody does that!

[issuchtodiefor.livejournal.com]

Oh, geez~ That comic just made me laugh like a (big) dork. I'm still chuckling (a little). In fact, this entire thing is made of love. And awesome. Lots... and lots of awesome.

I... need to go watch my Harvey Birdman dvds now. XD

[ptahrrific]

Reducto is (hugely) fun to write ♥

Thank you!

[rissaofthesaiya.livejournal.com]

Between "overwhelming manly physical presence" and the Dramatic Zoom I can't stop laughing now.

[ptahrrific]

I'm particularly fond of the Dramatic Zoom because it was easy to draw ^_~

Thank you!

[shishu1025.livejournal.com]

AHA. That was funny. Very funny.


I loved Birdman before I even started watching The Report, so this is great for me. <3

[ptahrrific]

I . . . don't actually know which I got into first, but I love 'em both.

Thank you!

[girlofjuly.livejournal.com]

ooh, I'm really excited for this! Awesome :]

[ptahrrific]

Thanks =D

[writer-atdusk.livejournal.com]

hey, I've been lurking around this community for awhile, so excuse any first-time comment mistakes please :)

I have to say, that i really enjoy reading your work! its always made of awesome
plus the combination of comic + fiction makes it even more of a delicious awesome-ness sandwich : ]

will be awaiting the next installment

[ptahrrific]

This was an excellent comment. Keep 'em coming =P

Seriously - thanks so much!

[sarcasticsra]

LOL. That was great.

"I don't mean that I WANT Jon Stewart to impose his overwhelming manly physical presence on my helpless trembling frame..."

*snerk* Oh, Stephen. Please never lose your oblivious transparency. It's adorable.

[ptahrrific]

That's our Stephen. ♥

Glad you like!

[pr-scatterbrain.livejournal.com]

Oh, this was awesome, and crazy original and I'm so in love with it even though you've only posted one chapter ... *pause to take a breath* ... all in all, this rocks and I look forward to reading more.

[ptahrrific]

Muahahahaha. Thank you =D

[alphadelt.livejournal.com]

LOL! This is thoroughly enjoyable! Lurrrrrrrrrvvveeee it.

I adore the story/comic combination and you've got me hooked with just one installment! I've never seen Harvey Birdman, only seen an ep of The Ambiguously Gay Duo...basically, anything else other than Jon and Stephen from TDS and TCR are pretty much new and original to me and you did a fabulous job of introducing 'em to me.

I have to say, I love Judy more than anything here. ;)

Will be looking forward to the next one!

[ptahrrific]

Thank you!

I'm trying to introduce the characters gradually, since it's such a huge ensemble cast. Glad it's working for you - and that my personal adoration of Judy is catching =D

[violent-rabbit.livejournal.com]

I love this with the power of a thousand burning suns.

[ptahrrific]

♥