Erin Ptah (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ptahrrific) wrote2009-06-23 12:21 pm
ptahrrific) wrote2009-06-23 12:21 pm
Fake News: Stay, part 3
Title: Stay (3/4)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Gay stuff, more peril
Characters/pairings: Jon, "Stephen", Rob R., Sam/Jason, Scarborough, Aasif
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Summary: Senateverse. Morning Joe weighs in; Stephen makes a purchase; soldiers give nonanswers about DADT; Jason checks in from Tehran; Jon gives nonanswers about Stephen.
Note that this was written, and takes place, more than a week ago, before things fell apart in our!Iran. I would hold off on posting, but I don't know if there will ever be a "good time" to post it, so here it is. And please keep an eye on the news, if you aren't already.
(Yeah, I know, that may be a superfluous request to make of TDS fans. Still.)
Stay - Part III
As he stepped out of the shower the next morning, Jon's BlackBerry chimed at him. It was a brief email from Sam: Turn on Scarborough.
"-diculous," declared the host of Morning Joe. "There's no logical reason to go after CNBC. It's all political. They criticized the Obama administration, so now Stewart and the other Democrats are going after them."
Jon reached for the shaving cream. He would let this stuff play in the background, but he did want to get something productive done in the meantime.
"When, all this time, we have much bigger issues to deal with," continued Scarborough. "Issues that have nothing to do with partisan politics. Take a look at Colbert. He's over in Iraq right now, talking to our soldiers."
One of his co-panelists laughed nervously. "Uh, Joe, are you sure Stephen Colbert is the greatest example to use when you're talking about bipartisanship? Besides, when he announced the trip, he said something about not realizing the war was even still on...."
"Oh, come on!" protested Scarborough. "That was sarcasm! Does nobody understand sarcasm these days? Of course Colbert isn't really stupid enough to literally forget that we're at war. He was obviously using satire to make a point: that the news media hardly talks about the situation any more, so the soldiers feel forgotten about. It's shameful, the way we've let our coverage slip."
"Huh," said the co-panelist. "That's actually a really good point."
"Yes. Thank you. I thought so. And now we're running low on time, so let's move on. Our next top story: just how does Starbucks coffee get that rich, hearty flavor?"
§
Stephen ran a quick hand over his hair, just to make sure none of what little there was left pointed the wrong way. You could never be too careful.
Once he was certain of the effect, he aimed his sternest look at the embedded reporter's camera. "We had a harrowing experience today," he announced somberly. "My congressional delegation came under attack from some of the country's deadliest footwear."
"Sounds intimidating, senator."
"For a lesser man, perhaps. I, of course, faced the onslaught with courage and stamina. I'm starting to rethink this whole not-being-a-soldier thing. I can totally handle people throwing shoes at me."
"You realize, of course, that sometimes people throw bombs."
"...what?"
§
Once Stewart finished his meeting with the environmental lobbyist, Aasif ducked into his boss' office. "We've gotten three calls from the press about Colbert. Is there a statement I should be making?"
"Do we need one?" asked Stewart. "It's his trip, not mine. And I've never claimed any credibility as a Colbert expert."
"Uh-huh," agreed Aasif. "What are his favorite foods?"
"BLT sandwiches and South Carolina peaches," replied the senator without missing a beat. "Why?"
"Least favorite?"
"Baby carrots. Listen, we may eat together a lot, but—"
"How about his greatest fear?"
"Being alone. Well, that and bears. Are you going somewhere with this?"
"Point is, Senator, you're the closest thing to a Colbertologist the media can get their hands on."
Stewart grimaced in frustration. "Did I ask for this kind of authority? Did I?"
"I'm afraid people are going to respect your opinion, whether you like it or not," said Aasif dryly. "Besides, since they're asking, it might be prudent to let them know that you care about a colleague's welfare."
"Of course I care," grumbled Stewart, picking up a pen and twisting it in his hands. "But he'll be fine. Almost every congressperson I know has been to Iraq at least once. They keep you in the green zone; they dress you up in body armor; they have soldiers and tanks and helicopters all around. It may not feel like an outdoor market in Indiana for the locals, but if you're a visiting politician, you have nothing to worry about."
"I'll just tell them you're looking forward to his safe return," sighed Aasif. That sort of thing ought to go without saying, but this was why Stewart had a press secretary: to deal with media nonsense so he didn't have to.
He almost turned to go, then stopped in his tracks. Stewart's own visit to Iraq had been before Aasif had joined the team, so he wasn't clear on all the details, but....
"Hang on. When you were flying out of Baghdad, didn't someone fire on your plane?"
Stewart's eyes closed briefly as he put down the pen.
"He'll be fine," he repeated, voice low and determined. "Could you send Sam in, please?"
§
Stephen sat in the back of the convoy, clutching his newly purchased firearm.
Okay, so it looked kind of like a muffler. But the local vendor he had bought it from assured him it was a gun. At least, that's what Stephen assumed the man had said; it hadn't been English, so the meaning was really a toss-up.
"Not gonna have any more safety worries with this baby around," he declared, patting it possessively.
"Senator? That's a muffler," said the soldier next to him.
Drat.
"Why don't we have an Arabic translator around, anyway?" asked Stephen. "Seems like one of those might be useful."
"We had one," replied his seatmate, who looked a little like the President except for his reasonably-sized ears. "He was discharged last month."
"Ooh. What happened? Was it because you found out he spoke an un-American language?"
"The brass found out he was gay, Senator. He was fired under Don't Ask, Don't Tell."
"Oh!" exclaimed Stephen. "That's all right, then! He was probably causing all kinds of disruption to your unit cohesiveness. Good thing we have a policy around to keep those kinds of people out of your way, eh?"
His seatmate didn't answer. The guy's expression was impossible to read. Stephen admired that kind of emotional discipline in a man, except when he was the one trying to read it.
"You do support Don't Ask, Don't Tell, right?" he pressed.
"Senator, I serve my country, and I will abide by its laws."
"Right, right. Because you support them."
"I support my country."
"That's the spirit," said Stephen, a little uneasily. Leaning forward, he addressed the two soldiers in the seats in front of him: a man with broad shoulders and a woman with black hair pulled into a tight bun. "What about you guys? You don't think open gayness should be allowed in the army, right?"
"I serve my country, Senator," replied the woman. "And I will abide by its laws."
"What she said," agreed the man.
"Well, good," declared Stephen, settling back into his seat. "I mean, who knows what would happen if a man who traveled with you, rode around with you, maybe even sat right next to you, were to actually admit, out loud, 'I'm gay'?" He laughed an unsteady laugh. "You can imagine the chaos!"
Nobody answered.
Stephen cradled his purchase in his lap. So it wasn't a gun. Oh well. Sweetness would probably get along better with a muffler anyway.
"Yeah, that would be pretty bad," he continued, more to himself than anyone around him. "Definitely wouldn't want that happening."
§
"If it's a stunt, it's a completely insane one," declared Jason over the crackly satellite connection. His eyes twinkled with their usual good humor, in spite of his unshaven chin and threadbare flak jacket. "I'm in the next country over and I'm terrified."
Sam rolled her eyes. "Like 'it's insane' has ever stopped Colbert before. Sorry, Jon," she added, throwing her boss a glance.
"No, no, you're right," said Jon, waving her concerns away. "He's the only person I know who might actually do this as a stunt. Or a...."
"Or a what?"
"Never mind. How are you doing, Jason?"
"Honestly, except for the fear, it's been great. Done most of the interviews you wanted, got some nice footage for the website. A couple of the subjects rescheduled, but I could totally stay a few more days if you want me to finish the job."
"Oh, no you don't," snapped Sam. "We had a deal. That country may be a vibrant democracy, but you're getting out of it before the elections start. I'm not letting you stick around to be the only American in town if there's a controversy over the results."
"Uh, dear? We're Canadian."
"We all look the same!"
"Easy, Sam," urged Jon. "As long as he's done enough research to give me good advice, I consider the job finished. Besides, the flight's booked."
"I guess that's that," said Jason, and offered his wife his most charming grin. "Honey, I'm coming home."
§
It was almost midnight when Stephen finally crawled into bed, loofah tucked under one arm.
(This had nothing to do with the fact that the loofah was shaped like a cow, and therefore could be mistaken for a comforting stuffed animal if you didn't pay too much attention. It was good for exfoliation, and Stephen cared about his skin. That was all.)
Under his other arm was his newly purchased muffler. Just in case.
§
As Jon left his office for the day and made for the elevator, he was intercepted by his chief of staff, who fell into step beside him.
"Jason's plane is in the air," she announced. "He's on his way back."
"Thanks, Sam."
They fell quiet as they joined the people already in the elevator. As if the tinny music were a professional symphony that only a philistine would drown out with conversation.
"I had Demetri keep tabs on the news cycle," Sam continued, once they were safely out in the first-floor hallway. "Iraq as a buzzword is way up. And it's not just people following Colbert, either. We're starting to get stories that take one of his eccentric lines and use it as a stepping stone to talk more about the troops, or the war, or the Iraqi people. Probably wasn't his goal, to have people talking about things other than him, but it's happening."
"Good to hear," agreed Jon.
They emerged from the building onto Constitution Avenue, the summer sun bright on the horizon.
"Say, ah, Jon?" said Sam abruptly, before Jon could make for his car. "Can I ask you something?"
"Shoot."
"Did you have anything to do with Colbert's trip?"
"Um," said Jon. "I sorta think I did, yeah. Haven't heard from him since he left, though."
Sam nodded. "He's going to be okay, you know."
Jon tried to smile. "I sure hope so."
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Gay stuff, more peril
Characters/pairings: Jon, "Stephen", Rob R., Sam/Jason, Scarborough, Aasif
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Summary: Senateverse. Morning Joe weighs in; Stephen makes a purchase; soldiers give nonanswers about DADT; Jason checks in from Tehran; Jon gives nonanswers about Stephen.
Note that this was written, and takes place, more than a week ago, before things fell apart in our!Iran. I would hold off on posting, but I don't know if there will ever be a "good time" to post it, so here it is. And please keep an eye on the news, if you aren't already.
(Yeah, I know, that may be a superfluous request to make of TDS fans. Still.)
Stay - Part III
As he stepped out of the shower the next morning, Jon's BlackBerry chimed at him. It was a brief email from Sam: Turn on Scarborough.
"-diculous," declared the host of Morning Joe. "There's no logical reason to go after CNBC. It's all political. They criticized the Obama administration, so now Stewart and the other Democrats are going after them."
Jon reached for the shaving cream. He would let this stuff play in the background, but he did want to get something productive done in the meantime.
"When, all this time, we have much bigger issues to deal with," continued Scarborough. "Issues that have nothing to do with partisan politics. Take a look at Colbert. He's over in Iraq right now, talking to our soldiers."
One of his co-panelists laughed nervously. "Uh, Joe, are you sure Stephen Colbert is the greatest example to use when you're talking about bipartisanship? Besides, when he announced the trip, he said something about not realizing the war was even still on...."
"Oh, come on!" protested Scarborough. "That was sarcasm! Does nobody understand sarcasm these days? Of course Colbert isn't really stupid enough to literally forget that we're at war. He was obviously using satire to make a point: that the news media hardly talks about the situation any more, so the soldiers feel forgotten about. It's shameful, the way we've let our coverage slip."
"Huh," said the co-panelist. "That's actually a really good point."
"Yes. Thank you. I thought so. And now we're running low on time, so let's move on. Our next top story: just how does Starbucks coffee get that rich, hearty flavor?"
Stephen ran a quick hand over his hair, just to make sure none of what little there was left pointed the wrong way. You could never be too careful.
Once he was certain of the effect, he aimed his sternest look at the embedded reporter's camera. "We had a harrowing experience today," he announced somberly. "My congressional delegation came under attack from some of the country's deadliest footwear."
"Sounds intimidating, senator."
"For a lesser man, perhaps. I, of course, faced the onslaught with courage and stamina. I'm starting to rethink this whole not-being-a-soldier thing. I can totally handle people throwing shoes at me."
"You realize, of course, that sometimes people throw bombs."
"...what?"
Once Stewart finished his meeting with the environmental lobbyist, Aasif ducked into his boss' office. "We've gotten three calls from the press about Colbert. Is there a statement I should be making?"
"Do we need one?" asked Stewart. "It's his trip, not mine. And I've never claimed any credibility as a Colbert expert."
"Uh-huh," agreed Aasif. "What are his favorite foods?"
"BLT sandwiches and South Carolina peaches," replied the senator without missing a beat. "Why?"
"Least favorite?"
"Baby carrots. Listen, we may eat together a lot, but—"
"How about his greatest fear?"
"Being alone. Well, that and bears. Are you going somewhere with this?"
"Point is, Senator, you're the closest thing to a Colbertologist the media can get their hands on."
Stewart grimaced in frustration. "Did I ask for this kind of authority? Did I?"
"I'm afraid people are going to respect your opinion, whether you like it or not," said Aasif dryly. "Besides, since they're asking, it might be prudent to let them know that you care about a colleague's welfare."
"Of course I care," grumbled Stewart, picking up a pen and twisting it in his hands. "But he'll be fine. Almost every congressperson I know has been to Iraq at least once. They keep you in the green zone; they dress you up in body armor; they have soldiers and tanks and helicopters all around. It may not feel like an outdoor market in Indiana for the locals, but if you're a visiting politician, you have nothing to worry about."
"I'll just tell them you're looking forward to his safe return," sighed Aasif. That sort of thing ought to go without saying, but this was why Stewart had a press secretary: to deal with media nonsense so he didn't have to.
He almost turned to go, then stopped in his tracks. Stewart's own visit to Iraq had been before Aasif had joined the team, so he wasn't clear on all the details, but....
"Hang on. When you were flying out of Baghdad, didn't someone fire on your plane?"
Stewart's eyes closed briefly as he put down the pen.
"He'll be fine," he repeated, voice low and determined. "Could you send Sam in, please?"
Stephen sat in the back of the convoy, clutching his newly purchased firearm.
Okay, so it looked kind of like a muffler. But the local vendor he had bought it from assured him it was a gun. At least, that's what Stephen assumed the man had said; it hadn't been English, so the meaning was really a toss-up.
"Not gonna have any more safety worries with this baby around," he declared, patting it possessively.
"Senator? That's a muffler," said the soldier next to him.
Drat.
"Why don't we have an Arabic translator around, anyway?" asked Stephen. "Seems like one of those might be useful."
"We had one," replied his seatmate, who looked a little like the President except for his reasonably-sized ears. "He was discharged last month."
"Ooh. What happened? Was it because you found out he spoke an un-American language?"
"The brass found out he was gay, Senator. He was fired under Don't Ask, Don't Tell."
"Oh!" exclaimed Stephen. "That's all right, then! He was probably causing all kinds of disruption to your unit cohesiveness. Good thing we have a policy around to keep those kinds of people out of your way, eh?"
His seatmate didn't answer. The guy's expression was impossible to read. Stephen admired that kind of emotional discipline in a man, except when he was the one trying to read it.
"You do support Don't Ask, Don't Tell, right?" he pressed.
"Senator, I serve my country, and I will abide by its laws."
"Right, right. Because you support them."
"I support my country."
"That's the spirit," said Stephen, a little uneasily. Leaning forward, he addressed the two soldiers in the seats in front of him: a man with broad shoulders and a woman with black hair pulled into a tight bun. "What about you guys? You don't think open gayness should be allowed in the army, right?"
"I serve my country, Senator," replied the woman. "And I will abide by its laws."
"What she said," agreed the man.
"Well, good," declared Stephen, settling back into his seat. "I mean, who knows what would happen if a man who traveled with you, rode around with you, maybe even sat right next to you, were to actually admit, out loud, 'I'm gay'?" He laughed an unsteady laugh. "You can imagine the chaos!"
Nobody answered.
Stephen cradled his purchase in his lap. So it wasn't a gun. Oh well. Sweetness would probably get along better with a muffler anyway.
"Yeah, that would be pretty bad," he continued, more to himself than anyone around him. "Definitely wouldn't want that happening."
"If it's a stunt, it's a completely insane one," declared Jason over the crackly satellite connection. His eyes twinkled with their usual good humor, in spite of his unshaven chin and threadbare flak jacket. "I'm in the next country over and I'm terrified."
Sam rolled her eyes. "Like 'it's insane' has ever stopped Colbert before. Sorry, Jon," she added, throwing her boss a glance.
"No, no, you're right," said Jon, waving her concerns away. "He's the only person I know who might actually do this as a stunt. Or a...."
"Or a what?"
"Never mind. How are you doing, Jason?"
"Honestly, except for the fear, it's been great. Done most of the interviews you wanted, got some nice footage for the website. A couple of the subjects rescheduled, but I could totally stay a few more days if you want me to finish the job."
"Oh, no you don't," snapped Sam. "We had a deal. That country may be a vibrant democracy, but you're getting out of it before the elections start. I'm not letting you stick around to be the only American in town if there's a controversy over the results."
"Uh, dear? We're Canadian."
"We all look the same!"
"Easy, Sam," urged Jon. "As long as he's done enough research to give me good advice, I consider the job finished. Besides, the flight's booked."
"I guess that's that," said Jason, and offered his wife his most charming grin. "Honey, I'm coming home."
It was almost midnight when Stephen finally crawled into bed, loofah tucked under one arm.
(This had nothing to do with the fact that the loofah was shaped like a cow, and therefore could be mistaken for a comforting stuffed animal if you didn't pay too much attention. It was good for exfoliation, and Stephen cared about his skin. That was all.)
Under his other arm was his newly purchased muffler. Just in case.
As Jon left his office for the day and made for the elevator, he was intercepted by his chief of staff, who fell into step beside him.
"Jason's plane is in the air," she announced. "He's on his way back."
"Thanks, Sam."
They fell quiet as they joined the people already in the elevator. As if the tinny music were a professional symphony that only a philistine would drown out with conversation.
"I had Demetri keep tabs on the news cycle," Sam continued, once they were safely out in the first-floor hallway. "Iraq as a buzzword is way up. And it's not just people following Colbert, either. We're starting to get stories that take one of his eccentric lines and use it as a stepping stone to talk more about the troops, or the war, or the Iraqi people. Probably wasn't his goal, to have people talking about things other than him, but it's happening."
"Good to hear," agreed Jon.
They emerged from the building onto Constitution Avenue, the summer sun bright on the horizon.
"Say, ah, Jon?" said Sam abruptly, before Jon could make for his car. "Can I ask you something?"
"Shoot."
"Did you have anything to do with Colbert's trip?"
"Um," said Jon. "I sorta think I did, yeah. Haven't heard from him since he left, though."
Sam nodded. "He's going to be okay, you know."
Jon tried to smile. "I sure hope so."
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The way you weave in and adapt the our-world events into the senator-verse is really awesome, especially with even little tiny details. God, last week feels like years ago.
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God, last week feels like years ago.
Oh, man, I know. It's crazy how much has happened :/
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Jon as the reigning Colbertologist! Wonderful.
Love the nonanswers on DADT. Seemed quite realistic to me. Stephen's uneasiness speaks of his possibly having seen through them, or is that too much to hope for? Did his denseness win out?
*continues to love this*
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I'm sure you won't be disappointed!
I went over to
♥
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I love Joe Scarborough in this, his words explain how Stephen has actually... made it in the real world.
And since Stephen's stunt has gained attention, the news would need an expert in all that is Colbert, so that was a nice touch too. Laughed my ass off, actually.
Bonus points for Americans and Canadians looking the same, Jason making it home, Stephen needing comfort from an animal-ish shaped loofah (actually, pretty smart on his behalf,) and Jon being worried about him.
I find it a bit sad to imagine a "Stephen" that was pre-Jon-tentative-friendship coming home, shaken up after that stunt (even if it was his own fault) and having no one to see or talk to or to be genuinely glad that he was home. We all need someone.
And the muffler. You know, now I'm imagining Sweetness like a pet. You know, you have a beloved animal, and you bring home a stray of the same sort, and it all goes to hell. It's a good thing it's a muffler for more reasons than Sweetness being upset. <3
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I think the media has been desperate for a Senator Colbert expert for a long time. Now that Jon actually seems to be a candidate, they're latching on to him and clinging =P
One of the strange things about this 'verse is how Stephen has to be more independent, because he hasn't spent the last ten years knowing that Jon has his back any time he needs it. (Not that he would ever need it, of course.) He doesn't have that pillar of solidarity to draw comfort from. All he has is a cow-shaped loofah.
And, oh, wow, the image of Sweetness as a pet. Most demented pet ever. ("Down, girl." "But I want to kill the audience!" "NO. Bad!")
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Much love for including Jason in Iran, and the bit on DADT, and...just everything, really.
Jon Stewart: Colbertologist. He just needs to give in and accept his fate already.
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It does seem to be Jon's destiny to end up with Stephen. For better or for worse. (And now I'm imagining AUs with mystical curses guaranteeing that they will always meet...)
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You mean mystical blessings, surely? Mystical fates, mystical destinies...but Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart meeting could never be considered a curse, no matter which way you look at it.
Trufax.
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*shoves this one in there anyway, and crosses fingers*
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(Alas, since he's a senator, they will...)
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{V}