Erin Ptah (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ptahrrific) wrote2006-08-08 04:46 am
ptahrrific) wrote2006-08-08 04:46 am
Entry tags:
Fake News: The Robert Report, epilogue
Title: The Robert Report, epilogue: We'll Be Right Back
Fandom: The Colbert Report (the characters)
Genre: Comedy
Rating: G
Words: ~900
Warnings: None.
Disclaimer: The Colbert Report and its characters are the creation of Stephen Colbert, Eric Drysdale, and the other writers. Characters used without permission - but with love (and, more importantly from a legal standpoint, without profit).
Notes: Bobby does one thing wrong and one thing right, and ties up some loose ends.
Alan's a nice guy. I imagine that he, like Bobby, is an expert at "not making Stephen mad". Table of Contents.
The Robert Report, epilogue: We'll Be Right Back
Bobby is a very good stage manager, but that doesn't mean he never makes mistakes. You can hardly blame him; after all, his job description has expanded to include items like "purchase helium balloons that fall", "buy cookies from Stephen's daughter," and "remind Stephen when his daughter's birthday is, and that she's no longer in her My Little Pony phase, and hasn't been for several years."
Checking through Stephen's email is one of these unwritten duties. It's usually a simple affair. He just wasn't paying enough attention.
Stephen's doing a short piece on his ongoing hunt for a "new black friend", a replacement for Alan, who was caught on film at an antiwar rally. It's made for good material ever since, as Stephen has anger to spare about it, and angry Stephen makes for good TV.
"Now, luckily, people have been sending me emails," Stephen tells the audience, pulling out a sheaf of paper. "There are a lot of great applicants—but most of them just don't have what it takes to be my new black friend."
There are hundreds of great applicants, and this is after Bobby's culled the ones he knows will really set Stephen off. But the host has yet to settle on one. Bobby has a good idea why.
"I almost picked this young lady," Stephen explains, and Jimmy puts her photo on the screen. Bobby had let that one through once he'd seen the line "I THINK YOU ARE THE SEXIEST MIDDLE-AGED WHITE GUY EVER." Can't go wrong with that, can you?
"So far, so good," says Stephen after reading that same line. "But read the fine print: (Next to Jon Stewart, of course)."
Oops.
—
But once he's torn up the printout and hurled it aside, Stephen moves on with surprising ease, and plunges into the Wørd with all his usual vigor. It works out.
In fact, everything has worked out since the Ghost was banished. Bobby knows it can't last, but he sends a quiet prayer to Whatever Benevolent Deity Or Deities, If Any, Might Be Listening that it'll hold out just a little longer.
"Democrats are like werewolves," Stephen announces, kicking off the Wørd. (But Neutered And Declawed, the bullet points out.)
The almost-crisis of the morning has Bobby nervous, because he is taking a gamble with today's show, and he's already made one mistake, which is a bad sign.
"If we're not careful," warns Stephen, "these Hispaniccaines will do their hat-dance across our southern coastlines and take billions in damage away from blue-blooded American storms!" (Learn to Devastate in English! chides the bullet.)
But Bobby took a gamble with the Ghost, and got it right. So he's hoping he'll get this one right too.
"And that's the Wørd," Stephen concludes, to the cheers of the audience. "We'll be right ba—. . ."
He trails off.
He's noticed.
The moment of truth (or at least truthiness) has arrived.
"Alan?" asks Stephen over the clapping.
The audience notices that something's up, and gets quiet.
"Alan? Is—is that you?"
In the fourth row of the audience seats, Alan gives a little wave. "Hi, Stephen."
—
The audience doesn't quite know how to take the conversation that follows. When actually faced with Alan, Stephen's shield of anger deserts him. Bobby's afraid a few times that his boss will fall apart altogether.
But the gamble of asking him to come in during the show has paid off. Stephen cannot fall apart in front of the audience, and he knows it—on a gut level, no less.
Instinct carries him through.
When he remembers that Alan works for the Report, Stephen's anger resurfaces—"Get back to work!"—and Bobby thinks it's over.
Then, as Alan's coming down the steps, Stephen stops him.
"It's—it is really good to see you."
There's a bit of unsure laughter in the audience. They can hardly believe he's serious, because this looks like emotional honesty, and, really, from Stephen?
"Do you think maybe I could . . . get a hug?"
"Yeah," says Alan, with a shrug and a smile, that amiable calm that had kept him from being turned away by Stephen's friendship long ago. "Sure, man."
He walks down onto the stage; and Stephen gets up from his desk and walks to meet him; and then, at the last second, Stephen claps Alan on the back and turns them both towards the camera with a wide grin. The crowd goes wild. This is the Stephen they know and love.
Jimmy, instincts as sharp as ever, snaps a photo.
It looks like everything is back to normal—except that when Stephen bounds back up to his chair, there's a spring in his step. Bobby exchanges a knowing smile with Alan as the latter walks out.
"The search continues, Africa-America!" declares Stephen. And the show goes on, and Stephen keeps being Stephen, and Bobby's work is far from done. But they've made progress. More than Bobby ever thought he'd see. And they'll keep moving forward.
Well, not right this second. Commercial break.
But, as Stephen assures the audience: "We'll be right back."
Fandom: The Colbert Report (the characters)
Genre: Comedy
Rating: G
Words: ~900
Warnings: None.
Disclaimer: The Colbert Report and its characters are the creation of Stephen Colbert, Eric Drysdale, and the other writers. Characters used without permission - but with love (and, more importantly from a legal standpoint, without profit).
Notes: Bobby does one thing wrong and one thing right, and ties up some loose ends.
Alan's a nice guy. I imagine that he, like Bobby, is an expert at "not making Stephen mad". Table of Contents.
The Robert Report, epilogue: We'll Be Right Back
Bobby is a very good stage manager, but that doesn't mean he never makes mistakes. You can hardly blame him; after all, his job description has expanded to include items like "purchase helium balloons that fall", "buy cookies from Stephen's daughter," and "remind Stephen when his daughter's birthday is, and that she's no longer in her My Little Pony phase, and hasn't been for several years."
Checking through Stephen's email is one of these unwritten duties. It's usually a simple affair. He just wasn't paying enough attention.
Stephen's doing a short piece on his ongoing hunt for a "new black friend", a replacement for Alan, who was caught on film at an antiwar rally. It's made for good material ever since, as Stephen has anger to spare about it, and angry Stephen makes for good TV.
"Now, luckily, people have been sending me emails," Stephen tells the audience, pulling out a sheaf of paper. "There are a lot of great applicants—but most of them just don't have what it takes to be my new black friend."
There are hundreds of great applicants, and this is after Bobby's culled the ones he knows will really set Stephen off. But the host has yet to settle on one. Bobby has a good idea why.
"I almost picked this young lady," Stephen explains, and Jimmy puts her photo on the screen. Bobby had let that one through once he'd seen the line "I THINK YOU ARE THE SEXIEST MIDDLE-AGED WHITE GUY EVER." Can't go wrong with that, can you?
"So far, so good," says Stephen after reading that same line. "But read the fine print: (Next to Jon Stewart, of course)."
Oops.
—
But once he's torn up the printout and hurled it aside, Stephen moves on with surprising ease, and plunges into the Wørd with all his usual vigor. It works out.
In fact, everything has worked out since the Ghost was banished. Bobby knows it can't last, but he sends a quiet prayer to Whatever Benevolent Deity Or Deities, If Any, Might Be Listening that it'll hold out just a little longer.
"Democrats are like werewolves," Stephen announces, kicking off the Wørd. (But Neutered And Declawed, the bullet points out.)
The almost-crisis of the morning has Bobby nervous, because he is taking a gamble with today's show, and he's already made one mistake, which is a bad sign.
"If we're not careful," warns Stephen, "these Hispaniccaines will do their hat-dance across our southern coastlines and take billions in damage away from blue-blooded American storms!" (Learn to Devastate in English! chides the bullet.)
But Bobby took a gamble with the Ghost, and got it right. So he's hoping he'll get this one right too.
"And that's the Wørd," Stephen concludes, to the cheers of the audience. "We'll be right ba—. . ."
He trails off.
He's noticed.
The moment of truth (or at least truthiness) has arrived.
"Alan?" asks Stephen over the clapping.
The audience notices that something's up, and gets quiet.
"Alan? Is—is that you?"
In the fourth row of the audience seats, Alan gives a little wave. "Hi, Stephen."
—
The audience doesn't quite know how to take the conversation that follows. When actually faced with Alan, Stephen's shield of anger deserts him. Bobby's afraid a few times that his boss will fall apart altogether.
But the gamble of asking him to come in during the show has paid off. Stephen cannot fall apart in front of the audience, and he knows it—on a gut level, no less.
Instinct carries him through.
When he remembers that Alan works for the Report, Stephen's anger resurfaces—"Get back to work!"—and Bobby thinks it's over.
Then, as Alan's coming down the steps, Stephen stops him.
"It's—it is really good to see you."
There's a bit of unsure laughter in the audience. They can hardly believe he's serious, because this looks like emotional honesty, and, really, from Stephen?
"Do you think maybe I could . . . get a hug?"
"Yeah," says Alan, with a shrug and a smile, that amiable calm that had kept him from being turned away by Stephen's friendship long ago. "Sure, man."
He walks down onto the stage; and Stephen gets up from his desk and walks to meet him; and then, at the last second, Stephen claps Alan on the back and turns them both towards the camera with a wide grin. The crowd goes wild. This is the Stephen they know and love.
Jimmy, instincts as sharp as ever, snaps a photo.
It looks like everything is back to normal—except that when Stephen bounds back up to his chair, there's a spring in his step. Bobby exchanges a knowing smile with Alan as the latter walks out.
"The search continues, Africa-America!" declares Stephen. And the show goes on, and Stephen keeps being Stephen, and Bobby's work is far from done. But they've made progress. More than Bobby ever thought he'd see. And they'll keep moving forward.
Well, not right this second. Commercial break.
But, as Stephen assures the audience: "We'll be right back."
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