Erin Ptah (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ptahrrific) wrote2008-09-22 08:55 am
ptahrrific) wrote2008-09-22 08:55 am
Entry tags:
Doctor Who/Fake News: How Many Time Lords Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? (8/8)
Title: Truthiness And Relative Dimensions In Space: How Many Time Lords Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? (8/8)
Rating: PG (with ropes on)
Series: The Colbert Report, Doctor Who
Spoilers: Anything through New Who S4 is fair game.
Summary: A rescue, a kiss, some foreshadowing, some hindshadowing, a secret identity, and a novelty hat.
A line that didn't get worked in, unfortunately:
"I am the Master!"
"So what? I'm Perpugilliam Brown, and I can shout just as loud as you can!"
—Planet of Fire
Beta and Brit-picking by the mellifluousstellar_dust. Table of contents, and footnotes, here.
How Many Time Lords Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Part Eight
Ahnooie-4: 3792.
Stephen Colbert is 44. (And so on.)
"I'm only going to ask this once, and I want a straight answer," said the stranger who held the Doctor at laserpoint. "No waffling, no dodging, no hemming, no hawing. Just yes or no: Are you the Doctor?"
Though it clearly pained him to follow such directions, the Doctor managed it. "Yes."
To Sarah Jane's utter astonishment, the woman released her hold, dropped the weapon, and hugged him tightly.
"I knew it!" she exclaimed. "I mean, I had to make sure, of course, just as a precaution, but I knew it would turn out to be you—"
"Um—" began the Doctor.
"—and just when I was about to give up, too; oh, you've no idea how long I've been looking for you, even I don't know, I've lost track—"
"Er—"
"—there was a war, you see, and I did all right, but I want my little girl to have a better life, a safer—"
Grabbing her by the shoulders, the Doctor pushed her away, not roughly but still firmly. "Listen, this is all very well," he said, "and I'm sure you have a very touching story, and I'll be glad to help you, but right now my companion and I are sort of in the middle of a rescue operation."
"Oh!" exclaimed the woman. And then, without missing a beat: "Can I help?"
⇔
Stephen was back in his chair in the console room, ropes around his torso and the Master's hand on his head.
The touch was almost comforting, and Stephen fought the temptation to surrender to it again. Whether through some hypnotic effect or his own sheer charisma, the Master had a way of making it seem like life would be so much easier if only you would follow him without question. Obeying him meant you didn't have to think. Didn't have to feel worry, or guilt, or doubt. Didn't even have to move, if you were tied properly.
You wouldn't have to be responsible for anything. And if you weren't responsible, then it couldn't be your fault if somebody got hurt.
"Still no sign of him," said the Rani, leaning over a screen. "Perhaps he took a calculated loss."
When the Doctor had gotten in touch, Stephen had been all prepared to stand by his Master. But then Sarah Jane had brought up Jon. Standing by people was not one of Jon's specialties. Mocking them, even the powerful ones who deserved respect and love and fear, was more up his alley.
"He won't." The Master's tone was liquid smooth, but his fingers were tapping out that impatient beat on Stephen's head again. "He can't defy me now."
If someone like that took over the universe, people like Jon would be the first to go. And somehow, though he disagreed with Jon on pretty much every possible issue, Stephen found that he didn't want that to happen.
"Well, this is a surprise," said the Rani abruptly, straightening. "You were right." Pulling a lever to open the front doors, she added, "Do come in, Doctor. And what is that on your head?"
"Novelty hat," replied the Doctor nonchalantly as he stepped across the threshold. "Are you all right, Stephen?"
"Y-yeah. So far," replied Stephen as the doors closed, putting a (completely fake, but very natural-sounding) note of fear in his voice.
And at the same time he added, in Delphon, ~These ropes are loose.~
⇔
"So, how do you know the Doctor?" asked Sarah Jane, aiming for a light and conversational tone.
"It's a long story," said the strange woman. Although she was still scanning the area every few seconds, her attention was focused on the door of the 'closed' kiosk. The next time it opened would be her cue to rush in and do . . . whatever it was she did.
"Give me the short version."
"I really need to focus."
This was fair, of course; but Sarah Jane couldn't help feeling inquisitive. It wasn't just her journalistic instincts, either. She wasn't comfortable leaving the Doctor's safety in the hands of a complete stranger, even if he seemed perfectly happy to do so. "At least tell me your name."
"Better not," said the woman. "Possible paradox."
"We've been running into those a lot lately."
"Another long story. Please, just watch my daughter."
Sarah Jane looked tentatively at the little humanoid standing between them and sucking on her fingers. "What's your name, honey?" she asked, hoping the child hadn't been coached to be as nonresponsive as her mother.
The girl took her fingers out of her mouth. "My name is Susan," she recited.
⇔
For the third time that day the Doctor was rummaging around in the circuits under the floor of a TARDIS; for the second time he was doing it while having a conversation with a Time Lady. But though Romanamericanpiedor had interspersed her tech support with friendly conversation, the Rani was clipped and clinical when she spoke about the ship, and otherwise silent.
This made it much easier for Stephen, who was practiced at ignoring things he didn't understand, to tune out the entire conversation.
Or at least, the spoken part. Although the Doctor's new headgear (it could have been a mascot hat for a sports team known as the Fightin' Stuffed Frogs) looked sublimely ridiculous, it did keep his out-of-control hair away from his eyebrows, so that Stephen could read his Delphon clearly. ~Hold still for now. The door will open in a minute, and the woman will come in. When I give the word, distract the man behind you.~
Stephen waited anxiously for the Doctor to look up from the circuits, then signed as quickly as he could: ~How do I distract him?~
~It doesn't matter. Anything will do.~
~That doesn't help!~ signed Stephen angrily; but the Doctor was looking away again.
No doubt the Doctor thought that, because he could distract the Master so easily, anyone could do it. He didn't realize that the Master's attention was always only a hairsbreadth from him in the first place, even when he himself was far away.
Now that the Doctor was actually in the same room, what would it take to break the Master's focus on him? Would anything short of an atomic bomb do the trick? What—
"Now!" shouted the Doctor.
No more time for thinking. Stephen shrugged off the ropes as he jumped to his feet, grabbed the Master, and pulled him into a heated kiss.
⇔
As Susie's mother sprinted for the opening kiosk door, Sarah Jane scooped up the rather sticky child. "We're going to be running in a minute," she announced. "Hang on tight."
"'Kay," said Susie, wrapping her arms around Sarah Jane's neck and leaning against her.
Sticky or not, she was really quite cute. Sarah Jane had never imagined children in her future, but she found herself warming to the one cuddling against her chest, so close that she could feel the heartbeat.
The double heartbeat.
⇔
Stephen could barely hear the commotion in the rest of the room over the blood pounding in his ears.
The Master had gotten over his shock in an instant, but he hadn't broken the contact; that would have been a kind of concession, admitting that Stephen had caught him by surprise in the first place. Instead he was making it very clear that the kiss was going to end when he decided to let Stephen go, and it was going to be as rough as he wanted it in the meantime.
And still it couldn't have been more than a few seconds, though it felt like much longer, when the Master slumped unconscious against Stephen, revealing behind him an unfamiliar blonde woman who apparently knew how to do the Vulcan nerve pinch.
"He—he was sweet," stammered Stephen breathlessly. "I didn't expect—"
"Shut up and come on!" called the Doctor from the door.
Stephen shoved the Master's limp body away from him, sprinted past where the Rani lay knocked out on the floor, and ran.
⇔
As soon as the rescue party flew out of the TARDIS, Sarah Jane tightened her grip on the girl and dashed after them. They turned several corners, barreled down a flight of stairs, and only slowed to a walk when at last they reached a hall with a crowd. Not until they were passing the food court that had served sneg stew and beef slushies did Sarah Jane notice that Susie's mother was no longer with them.
"Doctor," she said, trying not to sound alarmed, "we seem to be missing someone."
The child balanced on her hip wasn't fooled. "Where's my mummy?"
The Doctor stopped short; Stephen, still panting from the run, stumbled to a halt beside him. "She—left you—with some random kid? That's—ridiculous!"
"That's just it," said Sarah Jane, lowering her voice. "I don't think it's random at all. I think she's Gallifreyan."
"Of course she is," said the Doctor dismissively. "Although I did hope her mother would tell me a little something about her before running off like this. In that unregistered TARDIS I picked up earlier, I expect. Oh well. I suppose I'll have to find out eventually."
"You know her?" exclaimed Sarah Jane.
"Know her!" repeated the Doctor incredulously. "Can't you see the family resemblance?"
Sarah Jane looked from Susie (whose lip was wobbling) to the Doctor (still sporting the frog-shaped hat) and back. Stephen was doing the same. "You don't mean to say she's your—"
"I want my mummy!" wailed the girl, and began to sob.
"There, there," said the Doctor, reaching out and taking her in his arms. "Don't cry, Susan. That's a good girl! You're going to go live with your grandfather, just like your mummy wanted. Won't that be fun?"
⇔
They were in sight of the familiar police-box exterior of the Doctor's TARDIS when Stephen finally managed to say, "Doctor? Thank you."
"Don't mention it," said the Doctor sternly, though the effect was somewhat ruined by the novelty hat he was still wearing, not to mention the sleeping girl drooling on his shoulder. "Let's just get you off-planet before you get into any more trouble."
"What about the Master?"
"He and the Rani are still stuck here without a working TARDIS. They won't be troubling us any time soon."
"No, no, I mean—when are you going to stop leaving him behind and start paying attention to him?"
The Doctor looked at him with those unsettlingly wide eyes. "Oh, didn't you realize? All that talk about the Master and me was code for you and that Jon of yours. It wasn't actually anything to do with us."
Stephen wasn't entirely sure this was true, but he was almost certain it was truthy, at least as far as the Doctor was concerned. So he changed the subject. "Don't we still need a light bulb?"
With a broad grin, the Doctor held up something that looked like the mutant offspring of a can opener and a fluorescent bulb. "I nicked one of the Rani's."
"That," said Stephen, "is brilliant."
"Aren't I always?" Without letting Susie so much as slip, he unlocked the TARDIS. "In you go!"
Stephen stopped on the threshold and looked back at Sarah Jane, who had paused a few paces behind to study a storefront display of lipstick. Women and their makeup, he thought. "Coming, Sarah?"
"Oh! Yes, of course," said Sarah Jane, jogging quickly over to enter the ship with the rest of them. "I was just thinking—some of those could be a little more sonic."
Rating: PG (with ropes on)
Series: The Colbert Report, Doctor Who
Spoilers: Anything through New Who S4 is fair game.
Summary: A rescue, a kiss, some foreshadowing, some hindshadowing, a secret identity, and a novelty hat.
A line that didn't get worked in, unfortunately:
"I am the Master!"
"So what? I'm Perpugilliam Brown, and I can shout just as loud as you can!"
—Planet of Fire
Beta and Brit-picking by the mellifluous
stellar_dust. Table of contents, and footnotes, here.How Many Time Lords Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Part Eight
Ahnooie-4: 3792.
Stephen Colbert is 44. (And so on.)
"I'm only going to ask this once, and I want a straight answer," said the stranger who held the Doctor at laserpoint. "No waffling, no dodging, no hemming, no hawing. Just yes or no: Are you the Doctor?"
Though it clearly pained him to follow such directions, the Doctor managed it. "Yes."
To Sarah Jane's utter astonishment, the woman released her hold, dropped the weapon, and hugged him tightly.
"I knew it!" she exclaimed. "I mean, I had to make sure, of course, just as a precaution, but I knew it would turn out to be you—"
"Um—" began the Doctor.
"—and just when I was about to give up, too; oh, you've no idea how long I've been looking for you, even I don't know, I've lost track—"
"Er—"
"—there was a war, you see, and I did all right, but I want my little girl to have a better life, a safer—"
Grabbing her by the shoulders, the Doctor pushed her away, not roughly but still firmly. "Listen, this is all very well," he said, "and I'm sure you have a very touching story, and I'll be glad to help you, but right now my companion and I are sort of in the middle of a rescue operation."
"Oh!" exclaimed the woman. And then, without missing a beat: "Can I help?"
Stephen was back in his chair in the console room, ropes around his torso and the Master's hand on his head.
The touch was almost comforting, and Stephen fought the temptation to surrender to it again. Whether through some hypnotic effect or his own sheer charisma, the Master had a way of making it seem like life would be so much easier if only you would follow him without question. Obeying him meant you didn't have to think. Didn't have to feel worry, or guilt, or doubt. Didn't even have to move, if you were tied properly.
You wouldn't have to be responsible for anything. And if you weren't responsible, then it couldn't be your fault if somebody got hurt.
"Still no sign of him," said the Rani, leaning over a screen. "Perhaps he took a calculated loss."
When the Doctor had gotten in touch, Stephen had been all prepared to stand by his Master. But then Sarah Jane had brought up Jon. Standing by people was not one of Jon's specialties. Mocking them, even the powerful ones who deserved respect and love and fear, was more up his alley.
"He won't." The Master's tone was liquid smooth, but his fingers were tapping out that impatient beat on Stephen's head again. "He can't defy me now."
If someone like that took over the universe, people like Jon would be the first to go. And somehow, though he disagreed with Jon on pretty much every possible issue, Stephen found that he didn't want that to happen.
"Well, this is a surprise," said the Rani abruptly, straightening. "You were right." Pulling a lever to open the front doors, she added, "Do come in, Doctor. And what is that on your head?"
"Novelty hat," replied the Doctor nonchalantly as he stepped across the threshold. "Are you all right, Stephen?"
"Y-yeah. So far," replied Stephen as the doors closed, putting a (completely fake, but very natural-sounding) note of fear in his voice.
And at the same time he added, in Delphon, ~These ropes are loose.~
"So, how do you know the Doctor?" asked Sarah Jane, aiming for a light and conversational tone.
"It's a long story," said the strange woman. Although she was still scanning the area every few seconds, her attention was focused on the door of the 'closed' kiosk. The next time it opened would be her cue to rush in and do . . . whatever it was she did.
"Give me the short version."
"I really need to focus."
This was fair, of course; but Sarah Jane couldn't help feeling inquisitive. It wasn't just her journalistic instincts, either. She wasn't comfortable leaving the Doctor's safety in the hands of a complete stranger, even if he seemed perfectly happy to do so. "At least tell me your name."
"Better not," said the woman. "Possible paradox."
"We've been running into those a lot lately."
"Another long story. Please, just watch my daughter."
Sarah Jane looked tentatively at the little humanoid standing between them and sucking on her fingers. "What's your name, honey?" she asked, hoping the child hadn't been coached to be as nonresponsive as her mother.
The girl took her fingers out of her mouth. "My name is Susan," she recited.
For the third time that day the Doctor was rummaging around in the circuits under the floor of a TARDIS; for the second time he was doing it while having a conversation with a Time Lady. But though Romanamericanpiedor had interspersed her tech support with friendly conversation, the Rani was clipped and clinical when she spoke about the ship, and otherwise silent.
This made it much easier for Stephen, who was practiced at ignoring things he didn't understand, to tune out the entire conversation.
Or at least, the spoken part. Although the Doctor's new headgear (it could have been a mascot hat for a sports team known as the Fightin' Stuffed Frogs) looked sublimely ridiculous, it did keep his out-of-control hair away from his eyebrows, so that Stephen could read his Delphon clearly. ~Hold still for now. The door will open in a minute, and the woman will come in. When I give the word, distract the man behind you.~
Stephen waited anxiously for the Doctor to look up from the circuits, then signed as quickly as he could: ~How do I distract him?~
~It doesn't matter. Anything will do.~
~That doesn't help!~ signed Stephen angrily; but the Doctor was looking away again.
No doubt the Doctor thought that, because he could distract the Master so easily, anyone could do it. He didn't realize that the Master's attention was always only a hairsbreadth from him in the first place, even when he himself was far away.
Now that the Doctor was actually in the same room, what would it take to break the Master's focus on him? Would anything short of an atomic bomb do the trick? What—
"Now!" shouted the Doctor.
No more time for thinking. Stephen shrugged off the ropes as he jumped to his feet, grabbed the Master, and pulled him into a heated kiss.
As Susie's mother sprinted for the opening kiosk door, Sarah Jane scooped up the rather sticky child. "We're going to be running in a minute," she announced. "Hang on tight."
"'Kay," said Susie, wrapping her arms around Sarah Jane's neck and leaning against her.
Sticky or not, she was really quite cute. Sarah Jane had never imagined children in her future, but she found herself warming to the one cuddling against her chest, so close that she could feel the heartbeat.
The double heartbeat.
Stephen could barely hear the commotion in the rest of the room over the blood pounding in his ears.
The Master had gotten over his shock in an instant, but he hadn't broken the contact; that would have been a kind of concession, admitting that Stephen had caught him by surprise in the first place. Instead he was making it very clear that the kiss was going to end when he decided to let Stephen go, and it was going to be as rough as he wanted it in the meantime.
And still it couldn't have been more than a few seconds, though it felt like much longer, when the Master slumped unconscious against Stephen, revealing behind him an unfamiliar blonde woman who apparently knew how to do the Vulcan nerve pinch.
"He—he was sweet," stammered Stephen breathlessly. "I didn't expect—"
"Shut up and come on!" called the Doctor from the door.
Stephen shoved the Master's limp body away from him, sprinted past where the Rani lay knocked out on the floor, and ran.
As soon as the rescue party flew out of the TARDIS, Sarah Jane tightened her grip on the girl and dashed after them. They turned several corners, barreled down a flight of stairs, and only slowed to a walk when at last they reached a hall with a crowd. Not until they were passing the food court that had served sneg stew and beef slushies did Sarah Jane notice that Susie's mother was no longer with them.
"Doctor," she said, trying not to sound alarmed, "we seem to be missing someone."
The child balanced on her hip wasn't fooled. "Where's my mummy?"
The Doctor stopped short; Stephen, still panting from the run, stumbled to a halt beside him. "She—left you—with some random kid? That's—ridiculous!"
"That's just it," said Sarah Jane, lowering her voice. "I don't think it's random at all. I think she's Gallifreyan."
"Of course she is," said the Doctor dismissively. "Although I did hope her mother would tell me a little something about her before running off like this. In that unregistered TARDIS I picked up earlier, I expect. Oh well. I suppose I'll have to find out eventually."
"You know her?" exclaimed Sarah Jane.
"Know her!" repeated the Doctor incredulously. "Can't you see the family resemblance?"
Sarah Jane looked from Susie (whose lip was wobbling) to the Doctor (still sporting the frog-shaped hat) and back. Stephen was doing the same. "You don't mean to say she's your—"
"I want my mummy!" wailed the girl, and began to sob.
"There, there," said the Doctor, reaching out and taking her in his arms. "Don't cry, Susan. That's a good girl! You're going to go live with your grandfather, just like your mummy wanted. Won't that be fun?"
They were in sight of the familiar police-box exterior of the Doctor's TARDIS when Stephen finally managed to say, "Doctor? Thank you."
"Don't mention it," said the Doctor sternly, though the effect was somewhat ruined by the novelty hat he was still wearing, not to mention the sleeping girl drooling on his shoulder. "Let's just get you off-planet before you get into any more trouble."
"What about the Master?"
"He and the Rani are still stuck here without a working TARDIS. They won't be troubling us any time soon."
"No, no, I mean—when are you going to stop leaving him behind and start paying attention to him?"
The Doctor looked at him with those unsettlingly wide eyes. "Oh, didn't you realize? All that talk about the Master and me was code for you and that Jon of yours. It wasn't actually anything to do with us."
Stephen wasn't entirely sure this was true, but he was almost certain it was truthy, at least as far as the Doctor was concerned. So he changed the subject. "Don't we still need a light bulb?"
With a broad grin, the Doctor held up something that looked like the mutant offspring of a can opener and a fluorescent bulb. "I nicked one of the Rani's."
"That," said Stephen, "is brilliant."
"Aren't I always?" Without letting Susie so much as slip, he unlocked the TARDIS. "In you go!"
Stephen stopped on the threshold and looked back at Sarah Jane, who had paused a few paces behind to study a storefront display of lipstick. Women and their makeup, he thought. "Coming, Sarah?"
"Oh! Yes, of course," said Sarah Jane, jogging quickly over to enter the ship with the rest of them. "I was just thinking—some of those could be a little more sonic."
no subject
I'm continually impressed by how enjoyable/understandable you make this even for someone like myself who doesn't know Who canon. It's great.
Wonderful job!
no subject
I do my best. The next serial will be much more TCR-focused. In the meantime, I'm glad this is working for you!
no subject
(Anonymous) 2008-09-22 09:38 pm (UTC)(link)so, [spoiler] from that episode of the fourth season of the second series had a daughter?
heh. doctor wears novelty hats. hot.
i think maybe my favorite part (predictably) was when Stephen Distracted teh Master. yeah. good stuff. yeah. heh. yeah. like Harvey Birdman says, that's what i call a mankiss (man-kiss? Man Kiss?)
i kinda miss Ten-Jack-young Stephen, though. awaiting next episode!
Kagaya
no subject
Yep, he has a daughter (sort of). Thus his granddaughter, Susan.
Man-kiss? I like it =D
More of them to come!
no subject
(Anonymous) 2008-09-25 09:00 pm (UTC)(link)Kagaya
JANE! SQUEE!
(Anonymous) 2008-09-28 11:59 pm (UTC)(link)This story is pure WIN, though I think I'm coming from the other side. I'm a Doctor Who fan with no knowledge of Jon Stewart and Stephen other than a few random clips I have seen. Thinking about it, I've probably seen more David Letterman episodes. Can't afford cable and save my TV borrowing time for Doctor Who and BSG.
It is so cool that you made Susan Jane's daughter, but how the heck did One and Susan meet up? That's a story begging to be told now. And I firmly believe that Jane has a half-sibling somewhen out there. Ten dropped a hint to Rose that he had been a father in the Olympic episode. (I'm lazy, I'm not going to pull out all the DVDs to look up one title.;))
Regardless, I'm so glad to see Jane again. The episode introducing her was cheesy to the extreme, but I really liked her character and want to see more of her when they start Doctor Who back up again.
Oh and here's a good fanfic if you thought Donna got the shaft in "Journey's End" Ten Years After Journey's End (http://catsfiction.livejournal.com/54686.html).
Read Free!
KLCtheBookWorm
Re: JANE! SQUEE!
I'm looking forward to what the new head writer does with Jenny's character. I had problems with her intro episode too, but the idea is so potentially interesting.
One of these days I should really write a fully-Who fic about Jenny'n'Susan. It's relegated to a subplot here, and so much is left unsaid.
Thanks for the link!
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Is still awesome! Susan and Four are adorable. Bet he's missed her!
no subject
no subject