Erin Ptah (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ptahrrific) wrote2008-09-08 02:09 pm
ptahrrific) wrote2008-09-08 02:09 pm
Entry tags:
Doctor Who/Fake News: How Many Time Lords Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? Part Four
Title: Truthiness And Relative Dimensions In Space: How Many Time Lords Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? (4/8)
Rating: PG
Series: The Colbert Report, Doctor Who
Spoilers: Anything through New Who S4 is fair game.
Summary: Jack and young Stephen react to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe; adult Stephen finds himself in the clutches of the Master, and isn't sure he minds.
Have cajoled![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
stellar_dust into betaing this story, and it's better for it already.
Table of contents, and footnotes, here.
How Many Time Lords Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Part Four
Magrathea: 100,000,000,000,000 (give or take).
The Doctor is in his tenth incarnation. Stephen Col-bert is 17. Jack Harkness is so old that when he walks into antique stores, they try to keep him.
The stars were burning.
Most of the sky above the force-shielded dome was a blank, inky black, its vistas of stars and galaxies and auroras blotted out by advancing reefs of dark matter. The few stars that remained were huge and hot and red. The planet's surface outside the dome, long since stripped of its atmosphere, was bare, craterless rock.
It was the end of the universe, and the wine list was fantastic.
Or at least, the wine list seemed to impress Jack and the Doctor. While the two older men ordered like experts, Stephen stabbed randomly at the menu. He still hadn't tried alien alcohol, but he had been raiding the liquor cabinet since he was twelve, so he figured he was prepared to take on whatever else the universe could throw at him.
"He didn't ask for my ID," observed Stephen as the waiter (vaguely lizardlike, with an accent that the TARDIS' translation circuits rendered as deeply British) left with their orders. "I guess I just look that mature."
"Or you're over the drinking age in this era," countered the Doctor. "Or it could just be that all humanoids look the same to him."
"Not that it matters in this case," put in Jack. "You got the chinanto/mnigs, right?"
Stephen nodded. "Why, what's in it?"
"Warm water."
"And what else?"
"That's all."
"Oh," said Stephen.
"Hey, cheer up," urged Jack, waving his arm to draw Stephen's eyes to the imploding cosmos all around them. "Nobody comes here for the drinks anyway. It's all about the show!"
⇔
Ahnooie-4: 3792.
The Doctor is in his fourth incarnation. Sarah Jane Smith is 29. David Letterman is 43. Romana is in her second known incarnation.
"Sorry we can't stay to help you," said Romana, opening the door of her TARDIS. "We're sort of in the middle of a quest of our own."
"You'll have to tell me about it some time," replied the Doctor cheerfully. "Don't spoil it for me now!"
"Look me up some time when you get back to Earth," added Dave to Sarah Jane. "You can come on the show. We'll do coffee."
Sarah Jane sighed. "Some other millennium."
"Exactly!"
"It's a pleasure to have met you both," said the Doctor. And, to Romana, "And I'm sure it will be a pleasure for you to have met me." Tipping his hat to them both, he stepped out of the TARDIS. "Come along, Sarah!"
Sarah Jane gratefully followed.
"Now," the Doctor continued, shouting over the sound of the giant fire hydrant loudly dematerializing behind them, "let's find a store that sells this bulb! Oh, and do keep an eye out for Stephen while you're at it!"
⇔
Magrathea: 100,000,000,000,000.
Jack watched the last of the stars boil away with more than idle interest.
"Hey, Doctor?" he asked, keeping his voice low. The whole restaurant seemed to be quieting down, out of instinctive respect for the end of reality.
"Hm?" replied the Doctor, mouth around the straw in his fizzy orange drink.
Trying not to get too distracted by this latest appearance of the Doctor's periodic oral fixation, Jack said, "If I live to see this era of history, and nobody shows up in a time machine to pick me up, what happens? Will that finally do me in?"
"Aw, Jack, don't worry about that," replied the Doctor unhelpfully. "Cross that bridge when you come to it."
This was not very reassuring. Rather than push it, though, Jack turned to explain the whole not-being-able-to-die thing to Stephen. The conversation wouldn't make much sense if you didn't know about it.
Stephen wasn't even listening. He was staring at the sky. Of course, the scene above them was a pretty awe-inspiring sight. But when Jack looked closer, he realized that Stephen was trembling.
"Hey, kid? You all right?"
"They're so big," whispered Stephen.
"What, the stars? Yeah. They're impressive."
"Big," repeated Stephen. "And bright. Bigger and brighter than anything on Earth, than anything in our solar system, and they're going to die, and we're next . . . ."
"Hey, hey, easy there." Jack put a hand on Stephen's shoulder. "This whole restaurant is in a big time bubble. The universe goes foom out there, we sit in here and kick back overpriced drinks. Tell him, Doctor."
"'S true," replied the Doctor nonchalantly. "When this is over, we'll all hop in our time machines and take off. No harm done."
The boy was shaking as he replied, still staring at the collapse of reality above them. "Doesn't matter," he gasped. "Oh, God, nothing matters."
⇔
Stephen's world had come unmoored.
Of course it matters! he shouted at himself. You'll be good and you'll work hard and someday you'll be famous and everyone will see you and everyone will love you and of course that'll matter!
His voice carried on breathlessly without him. "No matter how hard we work, anything we do, anything we build, it's all going to fall apart, it's all going to end like this . . ."
His vision was going black around the edges. The sounds of the restaurant echoed dimly around him, but all he could see was the sky.
Not if you're good enough! Not if you're big enough! Not if—
". . . never be bigger than the stars, and they're gone, so why bother? Why fight it? Why not just tear it all down . . ." With this came a series of images: scenes of burning, wrecking, smashing, shooting, destroying.
For all the horror, there was a kind of sweetness about the idea.
You can't! he cried, silent and helpless, as his voice continued: "It's not like time won't do that anyway. No way to stop it. Time goes on, the beat goes on . . . ."
⇔
The Doctor started so violently that the table jolted, all the dishes rattling in protest.
"Was that a coincidence?" demanded Jack, remembering the last person they had met with a destructive streak and a drumbeat in his head. "Please tell me that was a coincidence!"
The Doctor was already standing behind Stephen, pressing his hands to the boy's temples. A moment later the erratic stream of speech trailed off and Stephen slumped in his seat, eyes closed. Jack caught him before he could slide to the floor.
"It was a coincidence," said the Doctor, speaking low and fast. "But this was a bad idea. Jack, take him back to the TARDIS. I'll be right there." He waved one skinny arm frantically for a waiter. "Check, please!"
⇔
Ahnooie-4: 3792.
Stephen Colbert is 44. The Master is in the incarnation played by Anthony Ainley.
Stephen awoke slowly, groggily, and with a pounding headache.
He had been having a nightmare, but the details faded as he slipped out of its clutches, and he was happy to let them go. Something about the world falling apart around him, and he had to rally the Nation to keep it together, only he couldn't even move because Jon Stewart had tied him down, and why would he be having a dream like that?
Then he tried to move, and part of the question was answered: He really was tied down.
As Stephen grew more lucid, he began to pick up the sounds of two voices not far off. Keeping his eyes closed, he tried to focus over the pounding in his head. Slowly the voices resolved into words.
"There will be no taunting. Do you understand?"
A woman. She sounded like the one who had joined them in the bar, but Stephen couldn't be sure as he had been too blitzed to hear straight.
"No taunting? My dear Rani, you have no sense of occasion."
That was definitely the man who had bought Stephen all those drinks. The Master, he had called himself. It was fitting: he had the voice of a Master.
In spite of this, the woman—Rani?—replied as if she were the one in charge. "Occasion has nothing to do with it. You simply want to indulge your schoolboy rivalry with the Doctor."
"We have one of his precious Companions in custody," said the Master smoothly. "It would be a shame to waste the opportunity."
The voices were almost next to him now. "We won't. We'll use it to get valuable information out of the Doctor. You are simply not to waste time gloating about it. Is that understood?"
"Yes, Mother." The Master's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Shall we call him now, or do you wish to lecture me some more?"
"We'll call him as soon as the captive wakes up."
"Oh, so you didn't notice! He's been listening to us for a while now."
Stephen opened his eyes, trying to look as though he knew he hadn't been fooling anyone. "There's no need to have me tied down like this," he said, voice definitely not cracking with fear as he spoke. "I won't make any trouble. I'll do anything you say."
The Master looked gratified, though his fingers were still tapping out a quiet but irritated beat on his sleeve (onetwothreefour, onetwothreefour). The woman beside him only arched an eyebrow. She had truly impressive eyebrows: almost as magnificent as Stephen's own. "Even if it hurts the Doctor?"
"That unfair egotistical time-meddling technobabbling sonic-screwdriver-happy alien elitist?" snapped Stephen. "Why should I care what happens to him?"
"Well, well, well," purred the Master. "This should prove very interesting."
Rating: PG
Series: The Colbert Report, Doctor Who
Spoilers: Anything through New Who S4 is fair game.
Summary: Jack and young Stephen react to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe; adult Stephen finds himself in the clutches of the Master, and isn't sure he minds.
Have cajoled
stellar_dust into betaing this story, and it's better for it already.Table of contents, and footnotes, here.
How Many Time Lords Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Part Four
Magrathea: 100,000,000,000,000 (give or take).
The Doctor is in his tenth incarnation. Stephen Col-bert is 17. Jack Harkness is so old that when he walks into antique stores, they try to keep him.
The stars were burning.
Most of the sky above the force-shielded dome was a blank, inky black, its vistas of stars and galaxies and auroras blotted out by advancing reefs of dark matter. The few stars that remained were huge and hot and red. The planet's surface outside the dome, long since stripped of its atmosphere, was bare, craterless rock.
It was the end of the universe, and the wine list was fantastic.
Or at least, the wine list seemed to impress Jack and the Doctor. While the two older men ordered like experts, Stephen stabbed randomly at the menu. He still hadn't tried alien alcohol, but he had been raiding the liquor cabinet since he was twelve, so he figured he was prepared to take on whatever else the universe could throw at him.
"He didn't ask for my ID," observed Stephen as the waiter (vaguely lizardlike, with an accent that the TARDIS' translation circuits rendered as deeply British) left with their orders. "I guess I just look that mature."
"Or you're over the drinking age in this era," countered the Doctor. "Or it could just be that all humanoids look the same to him."
"Not that it matters in this case," put in Jack. "You got the chinanto/mnigs, right?"
Stephen nodded. "Why, what's in it?"
"Warm water."
"And what else?"
"That's all."
"Oh," said Stephen.
"Hey, cheer up," urged Jack, waving his arm to draw Stephen's eyes to the imploding cosmos all around them. "Nobody comes here for the drinks anyway. It's all about the show!"
Ahnooie-4: 3792.
The Doctor is in his fourth incarnation. Sarah Jane Smith is 29. David Letterman is 43. Romana is in her second known incarnation.
"Sorry we can't stay to help you," said Romana, opening the door of her TARDIS. "We're sort of in the middle of a quest of our own."
"You'll have to tell me about it some time," replied the Doctor cheerfully. "Don't spoil it for me now!"
"Look me up some time when you get back to Earth," added Dave to Sarah Jane. "You can come on the show. We'll do coffee."
Sarah Jane sighed. "Some other millennium."
"Exactly!"
"It's a pleasure to have met you both," said the Doctor. And, to Romana, "And I'm sure it will be a pleasure for you to have met me." Tipping his hat to them both, he stepped out of the TARDIS. "Come along, Sarah!"
Sarah Jane gratefully followed.
"Now," the Doctor continued, shouting over the sound of the giant fire hydrant loudly dematerializing behind them, "let's find a store that sells this bulb! Oh, and do keep an eye out for Stephen while you're at it!"
Magrathea: 100,000,000,000,000.
Jack watched the last of the stars boil away with more than idle interest.
"Hey, Doctor?" he asked, keeping his voice low. The whole restaurant seemed to be quieting down, out of instinctive respect for the end of reality.
"Hm?" replied the Doctor, mouth around the straw in his fizzy orange drink.
Trying not to get too distracted by this latest appearance of the Doctor's periodic oral fixation, Jack said, "If I live to see this era of history, and nobody shows up in a time machine to pick me up, what happens? Will that finally do me in?"
"Aw, Jack, don't worry about that," replied the Doctor unhelpfully. "Cross that bridge when you come to it."
This was not very reassuring. Rather than push it, though, Jack turned to explain the whole not-being-able-to-die thing to Stephen. The conversation wouldn't make much sense if you didn't know about it.
Stephen wasn't even listening. He was staring at the sky. Of course, the scene above them was a pretty awe-inspiring sight. But when Jack looked closer, he realized that Stephen was trembling.
"Hey, kid? You all right?"
"They're so big," whispered Stephen.
"What, the stars? Yeah. They're impressive."
"Big," repeated Stephen. "And bright. Bigger and brighter than anything on Earth, than anything in our solar system, and they're going to die, and we're next . . . ."
"Hey, hey, easy there." Jack put a hand on Stephen's shoulder. "This whole restaurant is in a big time bubble. The universe goes foom out there, we sit in here and kick back overpriced drinks. Tell him, Doctor."
"'S true," replied the Doctor nonchalantly. "When this is over, we'll all hop in our time machines and take off. No harm done."
The boy was shaking as he replied, still staring at the collapse of reality above them. "Doesn't matter," he gasped. "Oh, God, nothing matters."
Stephen's world had come unmoored.
Of course it matters! he shouted at himself. You'll be good and you'll work hard and someday you'll be famous and everyone will see you and everyone will love you and of course that'll matter!
His voice carried on breathlessly without him. "No matter how hard we work, anything we do, anything we build, it's all going to fall apart, it's all going to end like this . . ."
His vision was going black around the edges. The sounds of the restaurant echoed dimly around him, but all he could see was the sky.
Not if you're good enough! Not if you're big enough! Not if—
". . . never be bigger than the stars, and they're gone, so why bother? Why fight it? Why not just tear it all down . . ." With this came a series of images: scenes of burning, wrecking, smashing, shooting, destroying.
For all the horror, there was a kind of sweetness about the idea.
You can't! he cried, silent and helpless, as his voice continued: "It's not like time won't do that anyway. No way to stop it. Time goes on, the beat goes on . . . ."
The Doctor started so violently that the table jolted, all the dishes rattling in protest.
"Was that a coincidence?" demanded Jack, remembering the last person they had met with a destructive streak and a drumbeat in his head. "Please tell me that was a coincidence!"
The Doctor was already standing behind Stephen, pressing his hands to the boy's temples. A moment later the erratic stream of speech trailed off and Stephen slumped in his seat, eyes closed. Jack caught him before he could slide to the floor.
"It was a coincidence," said the Doctor, speaking low and fast. "But this was a bad idea. Jack, take him back to the TARDIS. I'll be right there." He waved one skinny arm frantically for a waiter. "Check, please!"
Ahnooie-4: 3792.
Stephen Colbert is 44. The Master is in the incarnation played by Anthony Ainley.
Stephen awoke slowly, groggily, and with a pounding headache.
He had been having a nightmare, but the details faded as he slipped out of its clutches, and he was happy to let them go. Something about the world falling apart around him, and he had to rally the Nation to keep it together, only he couldn't even move because Jon Stewart had tied him down, and why would he be having a dream like that?
Then he tried to move, and part of the question was answered: He really was tied down.
As Stephen grew more lucid, he began to pick up the sounds of two voices not far off. Keeping his eyes closed, he tried to focus over the pounding in his head. Slowly the voices resolved into words.
"There will be no taunting. Do you understand?"
A woman. She sounded like the one who had joined them in the bar, but Stephen couldn't be sure as he had been too blitzed to hear straight.
"No taunting? My dear Rani, you have no sense of occasion."
That was definitely the man who had bought Stephen all those drinks. The Master, he had called himself. It was fitting: he had the voice of a Master.
In spite of this, the woman—Rani?—replied as if she were the one in charge. "Occasion has nothing to do with it. You simply want to indulge your schoolboy rivalry with the Doctor."
"We have one of his precious Companions in custody," said the Master smoothly. "It would be a shame to waste the opportunity."
The voices were almost next to him now. "We won't. We'll use it to get valuable information out of the Doctor. You are simply not to waste time gloating about it. Is that understood?"
"Yes, Mother." The Master's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Shall we call him now, or do you wish to lecture me some more?"
"We'll call him as soon as the captive wakes up."
"Oh, so you didn't notice! He's been listening to us for a while now."
Stephen opened his eyes, trying to look as though he knew he hadn't been fooling anyone. "There's no need to have me tied down like this," he said, voice definitely not cracking with fear as he spoke. "I won't make any trouble. I'll do anything you say."
The Master looked gratified, though his fingers were still tapping out a quiet but irritated beat on his sleeve (onetwothreefour, onetwothreefour). The woman beside him only arched an eyebrow. She had truly impressive eyebrows: almost as magnificent as Stephen's own. "Even if it hurts the Doctor?"
"That unfair egotistical time-meddling technobabbling sonic-screwdriver-happy alien elitist?" snapped Stephen. "Why should I care what happens to him?"
"Well, well, well," purred the Master. "This should prove very interesting."
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doctors, never fear!Fixed that for you. ;D
You've got comments from me already, but: LOVE IT!
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oh yeah: when I heard about Stephen's DNA going into space, and aliens cloning him came into the mix, my brain-tangent immediately took me to this fanfic!
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Glad you like!
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Hahaha, oh, Stephen.
*cuddles ickle!Stephen* Poor baby. It'll be okay. (I want to steal him again.)
Much love!
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He's in good hands, don't worry.
♥!
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(Any reference to the end of this clip intended, or am I reading too much into things?)
Fantastic backdrop on the end-of-the-Universe panel, by the way. I'd totally go there.
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Hadn't even seen that clip! But it fits in perfectly.
Thanks!
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only he couldn't even move because Jon Stewart had tied him down, and why would he be having a dream like that?
*is dead from giggles* Oh, Stephen.
I'm really curious about what'll happen with Stephen and the Master. I don't actually know anything about the Rani, though I hear her mentioned all the time. Oh, and I should add (I kept meaning to review your last installment, but never got back to it) that your line about the Master being a bitter old queen still makes me laugh out loud every time I think about it.
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Ten + various-things-in-his-mouth = OTP.
The Rani was designed to be another adversary for the Doctor, kind of like the Master (her name means "the Queen"), but she only got to show up in two episodes. Rather than being a taking-over-the-universe type, she's a gain-scientific-knowledge-by-any-means-necessary (ethics? what ethics?) type. And she snarks a lot at the Master.
Glad I could bring the lol. Thank you!
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(I'll make an Author's Note ^_^)
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(Anonymous) 2008-09-13 05:47 pm (UTC)(link)...heh. fun. i mean, scary!
Kagaya