Erin Ptah (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ptahrrific) wrote2007-11-08 12:01 am
ptahrrific) wrote2007-11-08 12:01 am
Fake News: Five Times Jon Terrified Stephen (4)
Title: Five Times Jon Terrified Stephen (4)
Fandom: The Colbert Report
Rating: PG for innuendo
Words: ~3300 in total
Disclaimer: Two.
For the Report characters: They and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and of course Viacom. Not mine. Sue me not, please.
And for the real people, the poem:
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what's said here is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because we like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
We don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.
Notes: We certainly all know about this infamous toss. Another that isn't used nearly enough.
One | Two | Three |Four | Five
Five Times Jon Terrified Stephen
Four.
He put the toss out of his mind in order to get through the Report, but when the show is over he has Sam break most of the traffic laws of New York City in the two-block drive to the Daily Show studio, and Jon's voice is ringing in his ears the whole time.
You know what, Stephen? Enough of this!
He's never seen Jon so angry.
He's never seen Jon angry at all, in fact. Oh, the man will stand up for himself, and when he feels strongly about something he'll make a statement about it, and a couple of times he had to shout to make himself heard when the Corddry brothers were bickering; but Stephen cannot think of a time when Jon just shouted for the sake of shouting.
Every time we do the toss, all I get is the attitude!
It's one of the things Stephen has never understood about Jon. How can a person be quiet when there are so many things to be enraged about?
And how, when other people are so ready to shout at you, can you fail to shout back? Fight fire with fire. Tit for tat. That's just logic.
I'm tired of it! I'm sick of it!
That's what Stephen is comfortable with. He grew up with it. He's practiced, experienced; on his show, he elevates blind rage to an art form, but he has always known it to be a talent of his.
He credits his father for the raw genetic ability, and his ten older and louder siblings for giving him lots of practice.
Shut up! Just shut up!
It works for other things, too, not just getting your opinions heard. An example: Do you need something done? Shout at people until they do it.
Another example: Do you find yourself engaging in some kind of socially unacceptable behavior, even though you know it's wrong, because you find that you enjoy it too much? Spill the beans to someone. They'll shout all the joy right out of it.
If this gets out, you'll be a disgrace to your family! Is that what you want?
Or perhaps you find that you're not good enough for something, no matter how much you try. Well, the odds are you're just not trying hard enough. Some good shouting can be a powerful motivator.
And when you find yourself straying out of line, you can yell yourself back onto it. Fending off those nasty doubts and fears and sadnesses is all a matter of being loud enough.
Suck it up, Col-bert!
So Stephen is loud, and angry, and it works very well. He made a great segment out of shouting at Steve. He regularly shouted at the other correspondents. He used to shout at Jon too, when Jon offended him, or didn't listen to him, or even when he hadn't done anything at all but Stephen needed the practice.
It's been a long time since he's seriously yelled at Jon, because Jon simply doesn't respond to shouting. Jon never gave Stephen credit for making the most noise. If he thought Stephen's idea was good, it happened; if he didn't like it, it didn't.
So what are you wasting your energy for, Colbert? Sit down and shut up!
The change in tactics was not (not!) because of the way Jon looked when Stephen got loud, all sad and hurt -- even when he loved the idea! -- as though the shouting itself were painful to him.
And besides, Stephen has found that he kind of likes having someone whom he can trust to never escalate a shouting match. It's ... relaxing, in a way. Good for his nerves.
You liked it, so of course you had to ruin it!
The inner voice that shouts at him, that keeps him in check, is at its loudest as he approaches the studio entrance.
Usually it sounds like one of his parents, or teachers, or priests. Right now it's none of these, nor is it an echo of himself.
You always thought I must have a breaking point somewhere, right? Well, congratulations! You've found it!
It's Jon.
It's pure Jon.
Except not, because it's a Jon that Stephen had never heard until today.
And you've broken me. What did you think was going to happen? Idiot!
Something inside Stephen is curling in on itself, tying a knot in his gut.
You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you? You finally found someone whole, but you couldn't just appreciate me, you had to make me broken just like you--
He bursts out of the car and runs for the studio door, Jon's voice pounding in his head.
--yes, that's right, I'm going to be like you now, you horrible, hateful--
He thinks of a constantly angry Jon -- of the Jon who proved that a person can live without shouting, even if Stephen never had the courage to try it for himself, reduced to his level -- and he can't stand it--
The crew knows full well to get out of Stephen's way when he visits, so he reaches the office unhindered and bursts in--
"Jon!"
Jon looks up from his laptop. "Before you say anything, Stephen, I need to apologize for the toss."
Stephen skids to a stop. "What?"
"I shouldn't have gotten angry like that. I've had a bad day, and I was on a bit of a short fuse, but that's no excuse. I'm sorry I yelled at you."
His face is completely placid, and Stephen feels himself swamped with confusion. "You mean," he says, slowly, "you're not angry now?"
"Nope. I was a little frustrated, but I got over it."
Oh, says the shouting-Jon voice in Stephen's head. I guess you didn't break me after all.
"What did you come over to talk about?" asks Jon.
Make this quick, says the voice, no longer Jon's but still very much there. You'd better not still be here when you start bawling.
So Stephen says, "I came to accept your apology in person. That's all." And he leaves quickly, because he knows he's going to get shouted at for being weak, but he'll be damned if he'll need to get shouted at for letting Jon see it.
Fandom: The Colbert Report
Rating: PG for innuendo
Words: ~3300 in total
Disclaimer: Two.
For the Report characters: They and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and of course Viacom. Not mine. Sue me not, please.
And for the real people, the poem:
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what's said here is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because we like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
We don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.
Notes: We certainly all know about this infamous toss. Another that isn't used nearly enough.
One | Two | Three |
Five Times Jon Terrified Stephen
Four.
He put the toss out of his mind in order to get through the Report, but when the show is over he has Sam break most of the traffic laws of New York City in the two-block drive to the Daily Show studio, and Jon's voice is ringing in his ears the whole time.
You know what, Stephen? Enough of this!
He's never seen Jon so angry.
He's never seen Jon angry at all, in fact. Oh, the man will stand up for himself, and when he feels strongly about something he'll make a statement about it, and a couple of times he had to shout to make himself heard when the Corddry brothers were bickering; but Stephen cannot think of a time when Jon just shouted for the sake of shouting.
Every time we do the toss, all I get is the attitude!
It's one of the things Stephen has never understood about Jon. How can a person be quiet when there are so many things to be enraged about?
And how, when other people are so ready to shout at you, can you fail to shout back? Fight fire with fire. Tit for tat. That's just logic.
I'm tired of it! I'm sick of it!
That's what Stephen is comfortable with. He grew up with it. He's practiced, experienced; on his show, he elevates blind rage to an art form, but he has always known it to be a talent of his.
He credits his father for the raw genetic ability, and his ten older and louder siblings for giving him lots of practice.
Shut up! Just shut up!
It works for other things, too, not just getting your opinions heard. An example: Do you need something done? Shout at people until they do it.
Another example: Do you find yourself engaging in some kind of socially unacceptable behavior, even though you know it's wrong, because you find that you enjoy it too much? Spill the beans to someone. They'll shout all the joy right out of it.
If this gets out, you'll be a disgrace to your family! Is that what you want?
Or perhaps you find that you're not good enough for something, no matter how much you try. Well, the odds are you're just not trying hard enough. Some good shouting can be a powerful motivator.
And when you find yourself straying out of line, you can yell yourself back onto it. Fending off those nasty doubts and fears and sadnesses is all a matter of being loud enough.
Suck it up, Col-bert!
So Stephen is loud, and angry, and it works very well. He made a great segment out of shouting at Steve. He regularly shouted at the other correspondents. He used to shout at Jon too, when Jon offended him, or didn't listen to him, or even when he hadn't done anything at all but Stephen needed the practice.
It's been a long time since he's seriously yelled at Jon, because Jon simply doesn't respond to shouting. Jon never gave Stephen credit for making the most noise. If he thought Stephen's idea was good, it happened; if he didn't like it, it didn't.
So what are you wasting your energy for, Colbert? Sit down and shut up!
The change in tactics was not (not!) because of the way Jon looked when Stephen got loud, all sad and hurt -- even when he loved the idea! -- as though the shouting itself were painful to him.
And besides, Stephen has found that he kind of likes having someone whom he can trust to never escalate a shouting match. It's ... relaxing, in a way. Good for his nerves.
You liked it, so of course you had to ruin it!
The inner voice that shouts at him, that keeps him in check, is at its loudest as he approaches the studio entrance.
Usually it sounds like one of his parents, or teachers, or priests. Right now it's none of these, nor is it an echo of himself.
You always thought I must have a breaking point somewhere, right? Well, congratulations! You've found it!
It's Jon.
It's pure Jon.
Except not, because it's a Jon that Stephen had never heard until today.
And you've broken me. What did you think was going to happen? Idiot!
Something inside Stephen is curling in on itself, tying a knot in his gut.
You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you? You finally found someone whole, but you couldn't just appreciate me, you had to make me broken just like you--
He bursts out of the car and runs for the studio door, Jon's voice pounding in his head.
--yes, that's right, I'm going to be like you now, you horrible, hateful--
He thinks of a constantly angry Jon -- of the Jon who proved that a person can live without shouting, even if Stephen never had the courage to try it for himself, reduced to his level -- and he can't stand it--
The crew knows full well to get out of Stephen's way when he visits, so he reaches the office unhindered and bursts in--
"Jon!"
Jon looks up from his laptop. "Before you say anything, Stephen, I need to apologize for the toss."
Stephen skids to a stop. "What?"
"I shouldn't have gotten angry like that. I've had a bad day, and I was on a bit of a short fuse, but that's no excuse. I'm sorry I yelled at you."
His face is completely placid, and Stephen feels himself swamped with confusion. "You mean," he says, slowly, "you're not angry now?"
"Nope. I was a little frustrated, but I got over it."
Oh, says the shouting-Jon voice in Stephen's head. I guess you didn't break me after all.
"What did you come over to talk about?" asks Jon.
Make this quick, says the voice, no longer Jon's but still very much there. You'd better not still be here when you start bawling.
So Stephen says, "I came to accept your apology in person. That's all." And he leaves quickly, because he knows he's going to get shouted at for being weak, but he'll be damned if he'll need to get shouted at for letting Jon see it.
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At least things with Jon ended better than they did last time, though. Thank goodness for small blessings.
I can't wait for the fifth installment!
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So far the installments have run as follows: love story (low tension), toss story (high tension), hospital story (midpoint, nearly fatal), toss story (high tension).
Will the fifth installment fulfill the symmetry? Will it be happy, or heartbreaking, or maybe both? Stay tuned.
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Ooh, I hadn't noticed the pattern, but very nice. I'm hoping for a happy ending for the poor guy, but of course I'll take whatever it is you decide to give him. And I am dying to read it.
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I hope part 5 has a happier ending!
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Stick around!
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Though the last line was perfect in it's gut punching glory.
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Thank you, m'dear.
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Love that the voice in his head keeps on being Jon's. And that he's afraid of losing him; it hurts but it's so sweet at the same time.
I'm afraid of what you'll make him deal with in the last drabble ;_;
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So glad you liked this. Stick around.
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New York City has traffic laws?? ;)
This is my favorite one of the five, with Stephen thinking about how logical and useful shouting is, yet we get to see how it keeps him from being himself or makes him terrified that he's damaged someone he cares about with it. But it's the only way he knows how to be.
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I love the way you put that. He's worked himself into a self-defeating psychological corner, and he really needs to get out but it's too rigid to let him.