Fake News | Jon/"Stephen", Olivia(/Kristen) | R | Maxim's Finest

[ptahrrific]

Title: Maxim's Finest
Rating: R (vague sex, one NSFW image)
Characters/pairings: Jon/"Stephen", Olivia(/Kristen)
Disclaimer: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. Characters belong to the Report. Names of real people are used in a fictitious context, and all dialogue, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only.

A ficlet in honor of both Stephen and Olivia Munn making the Maxim Top 100. Mostly in text-message format.

Mirror on the AO3.




Stephen Freedom Colbert
HEARD ABOUT YOUR MAXIM WIN

Stephen Freedom Colbert
JUST WANTED TO SAY CONGRATS

Olivia Munn <3
Aww, thanks boo. Ur sweet.

Olivia Munn <3
BTW don't I owe u some congratulations as well?

Stephen Freedom Colbert
FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION IT

Stephen Freedom Colbert
TECHNICALLY SPEAKING YOU STAYED AT THE SAME HOT PLACE

Stephen Freedom Colbert
WHEREAS I WENT FROM NO HOT PLACE AT ALL TO PLACE 69

Stephen Freedom Colbert
THE SEXIEST OF ALL THE PLACES OBVIOUSLY

Olivia Munn <3
Bet u wouldn't be saying that if u were #2. ;)

Stephen Freedom Colbert
AND LIKE A THOUSAND MILLION PERCENT INCREASE

Stephen Freedom Colbert
LOOK JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE MY ASIAN FRIEND DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF MY MATH SKILLS

Olivia Munn <3
Ofc not. U have all ur other friends for that.

Stephen Freedom Colbert
SEE THIS JUST PROVES MY POINT

Stephen Freedom Colbert
MEANNESS IS NOT SEXY

Olivia Munn <3
Im just teasing. U know that.

Olivia Munn <3
Im very happy for ur historic win, and thousand million percent increase. U deserve it.

Olivia Munn <3
Friends?

Olivia Munn <3
Sexy friends?

Stephen Freedom Colbert
NO FAIR

Stephen Freedom Colbert
YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO ACKNOWLEDGE MY SUPERIOR SEXINESS BEFORE I AM DONE BRAGGING

Olivia Munn <3
Lol cute. U think I acknowledged ur superior sexiness.

Stephen Freedom Colbert
BETTER

Stephen Freedom Colbert
I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY

Stephen Freedom Colbert
NOW OLIVIA MUNN ANSWER ME THIS

Stephen Freedom Colbert
IF YOU ARE TRULY THE SEXIEST OF US THEN WHY ARE YOU SPENDING THE NIGHT ALONE IN YOUR APARTMENT WATCHING AVENGERS COSPLAY VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE INSTEAD OF GETTING SOME

Olivia Munn <3
Now thats not fair. U know Im filming in LA and Kristen has stuff in NY.

Stephen Freedom Colbert
THE IMPLICATION HERE IS THAT I AM CURRENTLY GETTING SOME

Stephen Freedom Colbert
JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE WE WERE CLEAR ON THAT

Olivia Munn <3
Uh huh. Suuuure.

Stephen Freedom Colbert


Olivia Munn <3
Omg.

Stephen Freedom Colbert
QDANDJFA;SKASD

Incoming call from: Stephen Freedom Colbert


***


"Olivia? Are you there?"

"Jon! Not to worry. I'm deleting that picture the second you hang up."

"Oh thank god. And it was the only one, right?"

("You should be proud, Jon! You're the only person who gets to go down on Maxim's hottest man in the world!"

"Stephen, you're about a minute away from being Maxim's hottest murder victim.")

"Yep. Only one."

"...please don't sue him."

("What would she sue for? You can only sexually harass people who are hotter than you are!")

"No problem. Um, please don't kill him?"

"Yeah, yeah. He'll live. Although he is not getting the end of that blo—uh—private personal thing we were engaged in."

("Jooooooon!")

"Sounds like a fitting punishment. I mean, if I knew what you were talking about! Which I totally don't. Because it's private."

("It was a blo—")

"Talktoyoulater!"

Click.


***


Olivia Munn <3
Ok, today's lesson learned: sharing ur bf's private business is also not sexy.

Stephen Freedom Colbert
EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE MY BF IS TOTALLY SMOKIN WHEN ANGRY.

Olivia Munn <3
U have a point there.


***


Olivia Munn <3
Maybe even Maxim-level smokin.

Stephen Freedom Colbert
LETS NOT GET CRAZY NOW.

Comments

[kribban]

Why hello there. Ehm, the chat-driven dialogue is mildly interesting.
That picture on the other hand.... O.O

Eh....

XD XD XD XD

That's all I have to say for the moment.

*goes to make breakfast*

[ptahrrific]

Stephen would like you to know that, on the contrary, his text-driven dialogue is poetry in motion. Sexy poetry in motion.

:D

[politicette]

This is everything I love about these two and everything (and more!) I dreamed a fic like this would be. My babies :')

[ptahrrific]

Yessss. It basically wrote itself :D

The only thing I didn't manage to fit in was Stephen saying "Your man is a winner, Jon, and he should be treated like one!" (To which Jon replies "Isn't that the line they used to magically fix a character's OCD with sex? Because that was actually kind of offensive." And Stephen: "WHY DO YOU NOT APPRECIATE THE POWER OF SONG, JON, IS THERE NO POETRY IN YOUR SOUL.")

[politicette]

omg no glee did NOT ._.

u kiddin rite

[ptahrrific]

Whoops, have you not seen "Nationals"?

There's a lot more egregiousness that I haven't spoiled you for, don't worry...but yeah, they went there. (Even if it'll probably be handwaved with a line or two next time Emma gets five minutes of screentime.)

[politicette]

No, I had to take a rage break after the Finncident with Quinn and the wheelchair (AND I HAVE NEVER FELT SO FREE) Ugh, fucking Glee.

[fenellaevangela]

Cute and funny: exactly what I'd expect from these two!

[ptahrrific]

Thanks! <3