Fake News: The Sword In His Mouth, prologue

[ptahrrific]

Title: The Sword In His Mouth: Prologue (0/4)
Rating: PG
Warnings: D/s (obviously!); mild religious content; gratuitous meta
Disclaimers: This is a work of parody. Although references is made to real persons, places, and events, the dialog, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only. Fictional characters are property of The Colbert Report and its writers. All LJ usernames are fictional. Any resemblance to real LJ users, active or strikethrough'd, is purely coincidental.

So, um, this is a bit crack. Half actual story, half...some kind of parody. (I'll leave it up to the reader to figure out how much of it is self-parody.)

This is a fic about the fic produced by the fandom in the 'verse of the fic The Way Things Need To Be, by the ever-excellent sarcasticsra. Social relationships are arranged in terms of Doms and subs rather than men and women; BriWi/Jon just became canon; and Stephen plays a character who is a straight closeted sub, about whom people write fic. (It'll all make sense when you read it. I hope.)

Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Epilogue


The Sword In His Mouth
Prologue


The full version of the Martin Short interview can be found on the Comedy Central website. An excerpt is below.

COLBERT (deadpan)
You're currently doing a one-man show in which you bring audience members on stage and interview them in-character. What's that like?

(Appreciative laughter from AUDIENCE. SHORT grins and waits for it to subside before responding.)

SHORT
It really comes down to improv skills, you know, to being quick on your feet and—and, look, I know there are people who get weirded out by this, but it's something we've known in comedy since the dawn of time—but you have to get in touch with your sub side. Don't try to control the scene. Just let it go where it will.

COLBERT
Well, I wouldn't know anything about that.

SHORT
You? Aw, of course you would. What was that I saw, earlier, passing by your dressing room?

COLBERT
What?

SHORT
You, you were in there, and you were dancing—you had Barbara Streisand on, of all things, and your eyes were closed and you were completely caught up in the tune. You're a great dancer, don't get me wrong, but I mean, talk about subby!

(COLBERT breaks character briefly, smiling in wry acknowledgment. Composing himself, he turns to the audience.)

COLBERT
I don't know what you're talking about. I'm pretty close to being the dommest dom that ever dommed. See all these people? They're completely under my control. (Turns to audience.) Isn't that right?

(Playing along, the AUDIENCE bursts out whooping and cheering. COLBERT basks in it for a few seconds, then raises a hand and brings it down sharply. The cheering stutters to a halt. COLBERT turns back to SHORT, one eyebrow raised.)

SHORT
What's with the collar, then?

COLBERT
What, this collar? (He touches the collar of his shirt.)

SHORT
No, the one under that.

COLBERT (dismissively)
Oh, that. Doesn't mean anything.

SHORT
Sure, it does. How do you get to be a dom and still have someone collar you?

COLBERT
Martin, the problem with you Hollywood liberals is, you get too focused on facts. Sure, your eyes may tell you I'm wearing a collar, but what does your gut tell you?

---

---

El Perro Fumando: I don't understand how anyone can write dom!c!Stephen.
El Perro Fumando: I mean, come on. He's so transparent!
StarmasterShedemei: Well, it's fanfiction. It's not like we don't change genders and sexualities all over the place anyway.
El Perro Fumando: Yeah, I know.
El Perro Fumando: It's just, if you're going to write genderswap, you should still try to make it IC, you know?
El Perro Fumando: Don't just take a sub and give them stereotypical dom characteristics. Then you might as well be writing an original character.
StarmasterShedemei: That's true.
StarmasterShedemei: Okay, I see what you mean.
El Perro Fumando: And c!Stephen could not dom his way out of a brown paper bag =P
StarmasterShedemei: Hee!
StarmasterShedemei: Good point. I bet even Jon could dom him if he tried.






StarmasterShedemei: . . . you still there?

---

The following segment was taped and broadcast on the same day as the press release that read, in part: "'We at The Daily Show want to make it clear that this relationship will in no way affect our fake journalistic integrity,' said Stewart. 'We will continue to take our usual cheap shots at NBC, no matter how many devious punishments Brian comes up with to torment me afterwards.'"

(Zoom in on desk at which STEWART is seated, to AUDIENCE cheers.)

STEWART
That's our show! Before we go, let's check in with our good friend Stephen Colbert at The Colbert Report. Stephen!

COLBERT
Jon! I understand congratulations are in order!

STEWART
Oh, you mean this?

(He touches his collar lightly. Outburst of whoops and applause from AUDIENCE.)

COLBERT
I do! Brian Williams, eh? He's a very nice man.

STEWART
He is.

COLBERT
Very classy. He has gravitas.

(Smiling, STEWART drops his eyes to his script and shuffles the papers a little.)

STEWART (modestly)
He has a lot going for him.

COLBERT
Can't say I think much of his taste, though.

(STEWART looks surprised, then embarrassed. COLBERT's expression remains stern.)

STEWART (mumbling)
Uh . . . d-d'you mean in . . .

COLBERT
In collars, Jon! I mean, white gold? Really? Understated elegance is so overdone these days. Why would you get suckered in by that cliché when you could have . . . (He reaches under his desk.) . . . one of these?

(Camera changes to a full-screen close-up of COLBERT's hands. He is holding a colored metallic torque: dark blue, with sections of red and white stripes and a smattering of little silver stars. The pattern might actually be classy if the metal itself weren't so cheap-looking.)

COLBERT
The Colb-lar! Available in the Comedy Central store, just as soon as we can find a manufacturer willing to produce them. What better way to tell your sub, 'Yes, you belong to me, but your first allegiance is the Colbert Nation'?

(Camera returns to the split screen. STEWART is trying not to smile.)

STEWART
Well, I can see how that would be useful.

COLBERT
Yeah. Yeah, it would. Can I put you down for a pre-order?

STEWART
I, uh, think that's up to Brian.

COLBERT
Don't worry about it. Brian and I have an . . . (He gives an exaggerated wink.) . . . understanding. Remember when he wore my WristStrong bracelet on air?

STEWART
Mm-hmm. Listen, I'll ask him, see what he says.

COLBERT
You do that.

STEWART
See you in a minute, Stephen.

COLBERT
NeckStrong!

(Camera switches to a full shot of STEWART, who is starting to crack up.)

STEWART (giggling)
That's our show! Join us all next week at eleven; here it is, your moment of Zen!

---

El Perro Fumando: So...you must be feeling pretty good now, right?
StarmasterShedemei: Gosh, I'm not sure. Is there something going on?
El Perro Fumando: XD
StarmasterShedemei: Seriously, I've been getting emails all day from people who aren't even in the fandom, who have somehow picked up that it's my OTP and want to congratulate me.
El Perro Fumando: That's adorable.
StarmasterShedemei: It's hilarious!
StarmasterShedemei: And did you see the toss?
StarmasterShedemei: Stephen's totally jealous.
El Perro Fumando: Haha, yes!
El Perro Fumando: Oh, Stephen.
El Perro Fumando: I wonder what his poor dom thinks of all this.
StarmasterShedemei: . . . you know what's weird? I don't think of him as having a dom.
StarmasterShedemei: He's bratty and insecure and a loose cannon. Like there's nobody caring for him, much less keeping him in line.
StarmasterShedemei: And, look, no offense to your dom!Jon fics, because they work really well, but how uncontrolled do you have to get before Jon Stewart is dom enough for you?
El Perro Fumando: Huh. I guess.
El Perro Fumando: But he is wearing a collar. So there's got to be someone there, right?

---

---

The following clip can be found in full at the new ColbertNation.com.

COLBERT
GM has answered all of our dreams, ladies and gentlemen, by putting out a self-driving car! Jimmy, show it to 'em!

(Footage of a driverless car taking an obstacle course.)

COLBERT (V.O.)
Oh, look at that! Look at that baby go! Isn't that comforting, to see no one behind the wheel! That is . . . oh. That is nice.

(Shot returns to COLBERT at his desk.)

COLBERT
And handles like it's on rails. I, for one, would love a car with an autopilot on it, because, as regular viewers of this show well know, when I get up to, say, eighty miles an hour, my mind starts to drift a little bit . . .

(Montage of cheap photoshop jobs featuring COLBERT in a car.)

COLBERT (V.O.)
. . . and I find myself wanting to text, or send angry emails to The New York Times, or have an "a-ha" moment with my girl-O-friend Oprah, or read my bestselling book I Am America (And So Can You!) . . . or celebrate Cinco de Mayo. I just love playing with piñatas at high speed.

(Montage ends.)

COLBERT
Look, folks, the most exciting thing about this, besides the convenience of that car, is, I'm thinking . . . (Laughs nervously.) . . . if they can create a self-driving car, I mean, how much longer could it be before they invent a self-writing television show? (Holds up hands as if to say, 'Why not?')

Which . . . I mean, for someone else. I, ah, I don't need it. I'm fine . . .

(His voice cracks. He puts his head in his hands, holds still for a moment, then pulls off his glasses and rubs at his eyes. AUDIENCE awws.)

COLBERT (Wobbly.)
I-I'm fine. I have something in my eye, that's all. (He chokes up, hides face in both hands.) I have something in my other eye. (Catches breath. His voice is thick.) I have something in my heart.

(Half sob.) It burns—!

(Tiny voice. He is visibly shaking.) I don't know I don't know what to do I don't know I can't do this . . .

---

StarmasterShedemei: Do you remember that time we talked about what c!Stephen's dom would be like?
StarmasterShedemei: It was a while ago . . .
El Perro Fumando: Sure, why?
StarmasterShedemei: Well, I've been thinking about it on and off, and it's turned into this plot bunny that won't leave me alone.
StarmasterShedemei: And, after the way he's been freaking out during the strike episodes, it kind of attacked.
El Perro Fumando: Haha, this is totally revenge for all the times you've bunnied me.
StarmasterShedemei: XD Oh, probably.
StarmasterShedemei: The reason I bring it up is, could you look it over for me? It's only the first chapter, doesn't even have a title yet, but I could use some feedback.
El Perro Fumando: Would love to!
StarmasterShedemei: Great!
StarmasterShedemei: Sending . . .

Comments

[seagullsong]

I love you more than life itself.

[seagullsong]

Ok, that was a bit vague. What I meant was this:

D/s verse, Fakenews Fandom, and Meta are my favorite things in the world. Therefore, I love you more than life itself. :D

[sarcasticsra]

No, I love her more than life itself. Back off! =P

[seagullsong]

I WILL FIGHT YOU FOR HER LOVE

[sarcasticsra]

THIS IS AWESOME

YOU ARE AWESOME

I loooooooooooove all the delicious meta and the funny and seriously, how are you so awesome?

DID I MENTION THIS IS AWESOME?

BECAUSE IT IS

[ptahrrific]

XD

♥

You know I couldn't have done it without you!

[wwanda]

I'm not familiar with the D/s 'verse, so this was pretty confusing at first, but I think I've got it, now.
I'm loving the fake fandom; you capture the the spirit of it so well! What an excellent (but kind) satire! I can't wait to see where you take this.

[ptahrrific]

See, this is why I put the link to that other fic at the top - it explains everything much more clearly =)

Glad you like!

[rebeccasmask]

Is it the one based on helenish's Directedverse, based on Xanthe's dom/sub verse? If so yay! Also, you could make your explanation even more deliciously convoluted and meta-y.

[rebeccasmask]

Aaaand, I fail at feedback once again. I forgot to say how much I love the actual story. Looking forward to more!

[ptahrrific]

Lol, you could always just click the link and find out XD I figured the explanation that sarcasticsra gave was enough of an introduction, and people should really be reading her whole fic to understand this one in the first place.

Also, thank you :D

[fenellaevangela]

This format is AWESOME, and the story definitely lives up to it. I think I'm going to enjoy this a lot.

[ptahrrific]

Thanks!

I have a feeling I need to get more about the fandom into the next couple of parts, or people will be very let down ^_^;

[politicette]

WHAT A MINDFUCK TBH

ALSO AASIF MANDVI'S PRETTY LIPS AND THAT IS ALL

[politicette]

ALSO WHY ARE YOU THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS AU FANDOM JW

DON'T YOU EVER GET LONELY

TALKING TO YOURSELF WITH ALL THOSE SOCKPUPPET JOURNALS

[politicette]

I MEAN WHY DOESN'T AU YOU HAVE ANY FRIENDS DID WE ALL PERISH IN A FACTORY FIRE OR SOMETHING

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN BE FRIENDS WITH YOU IF YOU'RE WRITING FIC ABOUT ME PERISHING IN A FACTORY FIRE TBH

[ptahrrific]

akdal;df they're not all me. You will note that a couple of them are stupid. (Maybe I should have given some of them typos...?) And the two IMing each other are more or less me and sarcasticsra with the OTPs reversed.

Also...I, uh, wrote this part of the story in November 2008. Which I'm pretty sure is before you got into the fandom ^_^;

[themistoklis]

I went to go read all of sarcasticsra's verse first to get what was going on, so it took me a while to get to this, but I'm glad I did. It's really interesting to see a look at fandom through such a fascinating AU, and using different media to tell the story is always something I'm a fan of. It'll be interesting to see this ... 'fake' fanfiction (as I'm guessing we'll see whatever StarmasterShedemei is sending over). Now I'm wondering if we'll get to see it 'posted' with shots of reactions from the community. And I'm still trying to figure out where I would fit in a universe with sexuality defined like that.

Also, how cute is it that one of the commentors is using your art as an icon?

[ptahrrific]

It's a good read!

Most of what I have written is the story itself. It would probably be a little weird to write out fake people praising my fic XD

I think I would be something like a Gay Dom Until Graduation. Because I would spend a large chunk of my college years being insecure about abusing my dom privilege. And then eventually I would relax, learn to live with it, and go out looking for some pretty sub to tie up.

I actually made all the icons, but at some point I got bored of coming up with new ones, so I dug out a few I had already made with my art ^_^;

And thanks!

[themistoklis]

I didn't think of it like that. XD The fake fandom is just too interesting!

Lol, aw. I'd hope you'd be very happy together. I think I'd decide early on that it would just be best not to mention it, ever, avoid declaring it wherever possible (there was a note of Doms and Subs not being able to share an office, which makes me think that somewhere you might have to declare your status), and end up having people assume I was an unattached Dom or a repressed Sub or a closeted Switch or something.

And here I was picturing famous fake fandom you.

[espreite]

This AU kind of hurts my brain - for some reason it's hard to get my mind fully wrapped around it, but I LOVE IT and this fic is AWESOME. I love the made-up fandom XD

[ptahrrific]

It is extremely strange. But a whole lot of fun to explore :D

WHY?????????????????????????????????????????

[kribban]

I was just linked this and I want to half fall down to my knees and kiss your feet sloppily for writing this and half slap you and sara and the whole world for not telling me you wrote this!!!!! Did you even post it to the comms??

OH MY GOOOOOOD!!!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK WOMAN!!!!

In other words: There goes my evening plans. I will now be half gulping down chicken korma while wiping the sweat off my scroll button every five minutes with the sleeve of the sweat soaked gym shirt I have not bothered to change out of.

And I have to be at work in less than twelve hours.

Re: WHY?????????????????????????????????????????

[ptahrrific]

XD

I've been posting this to punditfic, which is where I'm going to be crossposting most of my fic from now on. Maybe I'll post a masterlist back on LJ when it's done ^_^;

Uh, please don't sabotage your job too much over me, okay? But I do appreciate the enthusiasm!

[(Anonymous)]

Hey!

Your story has been added to the 'Xanthe's BDSM Master List' here: http://that-carlygirl.livejournal.com/1237.html

Please let me know if you would like your story to be taken down from this list, or any changes made to the section relevant to you story.

Thanks, Carly.