ptahrrific | Fake News: The Sword In His Mouth, prologue

Title: The Sword In His Mouth: Prologue (0/4)
Rating: PG
Warnings: D/s (obviously!); mild religious content; gratuitous meta
Disclaimers: This is a work of parody. Although references is made to real persons, places, and events, the dialog, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only. Fictional characters are property of The Colbert Report and its writers. All LJ usernames are fictional. Any resemblance to real LJ users, active or strikethrough'd, is purely coincidental.

So, um, this is a bit crack. Half actual story, half...some kind of parody. (I'll leave it up to the reader to figure out how much of it is self-parody.)

This is a fic about the fic produced by the fandom in the 'verse of the fic The Way Things Need To Be, by the ever-excellent

sarcasticsra. Social relationships are arranged in terms of Doms and subs rather than men and women; BriWi/Jon just became canon; and Stephen plays a character who is a straight closeted sub, about whom people write fic. (It'll all make sense when you read it. I hope.)

~~Prologue~~ | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Epilogue

The Sword In His Mouth
Prologue

The full version of the Martin Short interview can be found on the Comedy Central website. An excerpt is below.

COLBERT (deadpan)
You're currently doing a one-man show in which you bring audience members on stage and interview them in-character. What's that like?

(Appreciative laughter from AUDIENCE. SHORT grins and waits for it to subside before responding.)

SHORT
It really comes down to improv skills, you know, to being quick on your feet and—and, look, I know there are people who get weirded out by this, but it's something we've known in comedy since the dawn of time—but you have to get in touch with your sub side. Don't try to control the scene. Just let it go where it will.

COLBERT
Well, I wouldn't know anything about that.

SHORT
You? Aw, of course you would. What was that I saw, earlier, passing by your dressing room?

COLBERT
What?

SHORT
You, you were in there, and you were dancing—you had Barbara Streisand on, of all things, and your eyes were closed and you were completely caught up in the tune. You're a great dancer, don't get me wrong, but I mean, talk about subby!

(COLBERT breaks character briefly, smiling in wry acknowledgment. Composing himself, he turns to the audience.)

COLBERT
I don't know what you're talking about. I'm pretty close to being the dommest dom that ever dommed. See all these people? They're completely under my control. (Turns to audience.) Isn't that right?

(Playing along, the AUDIENCE bursts out whooping and cheering. COLBERT basks in it for a few seconds, then raises a hand and brings it down sharply. The cheering stutters to a halt. COLBERT turns back to SHORT, one eyebrow raised.)

SHORT
What's with the collar, then?

COLBERT
What, this collar? (He touches the collar of his shirt.)

SHORT
No, the one under that.

COLBERT (dismissively)
Oh, that. Doesn't mean anything.

SHORT
Sure, it does. How do you get to be a dom and still have someone collar you?

COLBERT
Martin, the problem with you Hollywood liberals is, you get too focused on facts. Sure, your eyes may tell you I'm wearing a collar, but what does your gut tell you?

El Perro Fumando: I don't understand how anyone can write dom!c!Stephen.
El Perro Fumando: I mean, come on. He's so transparent!
StarmasterShedemei: Well, it's fanfiction. It's not like we don't change genders and sexualities all over the place anyway.
El Perro Fumando: Yeah, I know.
El Perro Fumando: It's just, if you're going to write genderswap, you should still try to make it IC, you know?
El Perro Fumando: Don't just take a sub and give them stereotypical dom characteristics. Then you might as well be writing an original character.
StarmasterShedemei: That's true.
StarmasterShedemei: Okay, I see what you mean.
El Perro Fumando: And c!Stephen could not dom his way out of a brown paper bag =P
StarmasterShedemei: Hee!
StarmasterShedemei: Good point. I bet even Jon could dom him if he tried.

StarmasterShedemei: . . . you still there?

The following segment was taped and broadcast on the same day as the press release that read, in part: "'We at The Daily Show want to make it clear that this relationship will in no way affect our fake journalistic integrity,' said Stewart. 'We will continue to take our usual cheap shots at NBC, no matter how many devious punishments Brian comes up with to torment me afterwards.'"

(Zoom in on desk at which STEWART is seated, to AUDIENCE cheers.)

STEWART
That's our show! Before we go, let's check in with our good friend Stephen Colbert at The Colbert Report. Stephen!

COLBERT
Jon! I understand congratulations are in order!

STEWART
Oh, you mean this?

(He touches his collar lightly. Outburst of whoops and applause from AUDIENCE.)

COLBERT
I do! Brian Williams, eh? He's a very nice man.

STEWART
He is.

COLBERT
Very classy. He has gravitas.

(Smiling, STEWART drops his eyes to his script and shuffles the papers a little.)

STEWART (modestly)
He has a lot going for him.

COLBERT
Can't say I think much of his taste, though.

(STEWART looks surprised, then embarrassed. COLBERT's expression remains stern.)

STEWART (mumbling)
Uh . . . d-d'you mean in . . .

COLBERT
In collars, Jon! I mean, white gold? Really? Understated elegance is so overdone these days. Why would you get suckered in by that cliché when you could have . . . (He reaches under his desk.) . . . one of these?

(Camera changes to a full-screen close-up of COLBERT's hands. He is holding a colored metallic torque: dark blue, with sections of red and white stripes and a smattering of little silver stars. The pattern might actually be classy if the metal itself weren't so cheap-looking.)

COLBERT
The Colb-lar! Available in the Comedy Central store, just as soon as we can find a manufacturer willing to produce them. What better way to tell your sub, 'Yes, you belong to me, but your first allegiance is the Colbert Nation'?

(Camera returns to the split screen. STEWART is trying not to smile.)

STEWART
Well, I can see how that would be useful.

COLBERT
Yeah. Yeah, it would. Can I put you down for a pre-order?

STEWART
I, uh, think that's up to Brian.

COLBERT
Don't worry about it. Brian and I have an . . . (He gives an exaggerated wink.) . . . understanding. Remember when he wore my WristStrong bracelet on air?

STEWART
Mm-hmm. Listen, I'll ask him, see what he says.

COLBERT
You do that.

STEWART
See you in a minute, Stephen.

COLBERT
NeckStrong!

(Camera switches to a full shot of STEWART, who is starting to crack up.)

STEWART (giggling)
That's our show! Join us all next week at eleven; here it is, your moment of Zen!

El Perro Fumando: So...you must be feeling pretty good now, right?
StarmasterShedemei: Gosh, I'm not sure. Is there something going on?
El Perro Fumando: XD
StarmasterShedemei: Seriously, I've been getting emails all day from people who aren't even in the fandom, who have somehow picked up that it's my OTP and want to congratulate me.
El Perro Fumando: That's adorable.
StarmasterShedemei: It's hilarious!
StarmasterShedemei: And did you see the toss?
StarmasterShedemei: Stephen's totally jealous.
El Perro Fumando: Haha, yes!
El Perro Fumando: Oh, Stephen.
El Perro Fumando: I wonder what his poor dom thinks of all this.
StarmasterShedemei: . . . you know what's weird? I don't think of him as having a dom.
StarmasterShedemei: He's bratty and insecure and a loose cannon. Like there's nobody caring for him, much less keeping him in line.
StarmasterShedemei: And, look, no offense to your dom!Jon fics, because they work really well, but how uncontrolled do you have to get before Jon Stewart is dom enough for you?
El Perro Fumando: Huh. I guess.
El Perro Fumando: But he is wearing a collar. So there's got to be someone there, right?

The following clip can be found in full at the new ColbertNation.com.

COLBERT
GM has answered all of our dreams, ladies and gentlemen, by putting out a self-driving car! Jimmy, show it to 'em!

(Footage of a driverless car taking an obstacle course.)

COLBERT (V.O.)
Oh, look at that! Look at that baby go! Isn't that comforting, to see no one behind the wheel! That is . . . oh. That is nice.

(Shot returns to COLBERT at his desk.)

COLBERT
And handles like it's on rails. I, for one, would love a car with an autopilot on it, because, as regular viewers of this show well know, when I get up to, say, eighty miles an hour, my mind starts to drift a little bit . . .

(Montage of cheap photoshop jobs featuring COLBERT in a car.)

COLBERT (V.O.)
. . . and I find myself wanting to text, or send angry emails to The New York Times, or have an "a-ha" moment with my girl-O-friend Oprah, or read my bestselling book I Am America (And So Can You!) . . . or celebrate Cinco de Mayo. I just love playing with piñatas at high speed.

(Montage ends.)

COLBERT
Look, folks, the most exciting thing about this, besides the convenience of that car, is, I'm thinking . . . (Laughs nervously.) . . . if they can create a self-driving car, I mean, how much longer could it be before they invent a self-writing television show? (Holds up hands as if to say, 'Why not?')

Which . . . I mean, for someone else. I, ah, I don't need it. I'm fine . . .

(His voice cracks. He puts his head in his hands, holds still for a moment, then pulls off his glasses and rubs at his eyes. AUDIENCE awws.)

COLBERT (Wobbly.)
I-I'm fine. I have something in my eye, that's all. (He chokes up, hides face in both hands.) I have something in my other eye. (Catches breath. His voice is thick.) I have something in my heart.

(Half sob.) It burns—!

(Tiny voice. He is visibly shaking.) I don't know I don't know what to do I don't know I can't do this . . .

StarmasterShedemei: Do you remember that time we talked about what c!Stephen's dom would be like?
StarmasterShedemei: It was a while ago . . .
El Perro Fumando: Sure, why?
StarmasterShedemei: Well, I've been thinking about it on and off, and it's turned into this plot bunny that won't leave me alone.
StarmasterShedemei: And, after the way he's been freaking out during the strike episodes, it kind of attacked.
El Perro Fumando: Haha, this is totally revenge for all the times you've bunnied me.
StarmasterShedemei: XD Oh, probably.
StarmasterShedemei: The reason I bring it up is, could you look it over for me? It's only the first chapter, doesn't even have a title yet, but I could use some feedback.
El Perro Fumando: Would love to!
StarmasterShedemei: Great!
StarmasterShedemei: Sending . . .

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

What I can't come hang out :( I ~~like the~~ could tolerate the woods. We could also do an island. The beach is nice.

I guess for all intents and purposes I'd be the same (in that AU I'd probably be calling myself low libido, or "neither and no good Lord that does not mean switch"), except maybe not that angry because I tend to be mellow even if it's bad for me. We could balance each other out! Fun times, anonymous blogs, getting on FBI watch lists and baking cookies for the agents who stop by now and again to make sure we're not stockpiling weapons. We could give them the burned ones.

It is an odd thing to think -- they have separate changing rooms for doms and subs, which makes me think they must have separate bathrooms, so do they have unisex bathrooms for switches or kids who don't know what they are? And do you have to mark D or S on your standardized tests in high school? Can you change your mind later on? Idk it is just fascinating to think about the nuts and bolts of how this AU functions.

HEE, OF COURSE YOU CAN. And I agree that the beach is a much nicer option.

IDK it's a little weird because I'm pretty into D/s in a sexual way, but as soon as the lifestyle aspect even begins to enter into the equation I get turned off *really* fast. It doesn't squick me out or anything, but the idea of playing either role annoys the fuck out of me, and apparently in this universe EVERY RELATIONSHIP YOU WILL EVER HAVE is informed by lifestyle D/s in some way, so yes I will be happy to camp out with you and bake cookies and eat coconuts or something since we're going to be at the beach now.

I wonder about the specific workings also, mostly how people know who is what. Also history in this universe, like was the Victorian age the height of rigidity in D/s roles or what? It makes me so curious.

The other thing I thought of is that, just like D/s has a pretty explicit sexual connotation to us, to the point that I at least was really uncomfortable hearing children identified as one or the other, man/woman mostly likely has an explicitly sexual connotation to people in this universe. I mean, we're talking about, you know. Parts. D:

HOORAY HOORAY. We can buy sunblock.

The every relationship you will ever have being informed by D/s would also grate on my nerves, I think. Like the whole thing of subs being paid less, although I guess I'll face that anyway in our own universe being a woman. The power structure of relationships is just so much more overt (to me) in the way D/s permeates their society, it seems it'd be very visible and discussed a lot.

Yes! Like, obviously you don't know what a baby is. So at what age are you supposed to declare this? At what age do personality characteristics start getting labeled D/s? Could a sub never engage in a relationship, never wear a collar, and pass as a dom or when the Census comes around is D/s one of the questions? And the history aspect is curious.

They probably would be pretty horrified, talking about defining people in body as opposed to personality. It might freak them out to hear we're identified (basically) from birth. For them, D/s wouldn't be sexual so much as character and personality.

Also, with the collar thing, it's weird to think -- I guess no one wears necklaces.

The power structure of relationships is just so much more overt (to me) in the way D/s permeates their society, it seems it'd be very visible and discussed a lot.

It really, really is. And the worst of it is I think the fact that, to them, this is how things should be. In our world, the feminist movement has had the reach it has had because "equality" is a revered word and it's something we're always supposed to be fighting toward; in theirs, it's literally against human nature, so it tends to freak people out. Even if all subs want is to be treated respectfully, the moment the word "equal" gets tossed around, even otherwise reasonable people shut down. That's part of why it's so overt.

Yes! Like, obviously you don't know what a baby is. So at what age are you supposed to declare this? At what age do personality characteristics start getting labeled D/s?

This I can answer, at least: personality traits start getting defined around age three or so. Remember, this is innate to them, so I imagine identifying what makes a kid a sub or dom is pretty well innate too; parents probably just know. I think switches are a little harder, and tend not to be identified until age five or so, but then, switches also get a lot of shit, so that's not surprising.

Meanwhile in delayed reaction land (it's an exciting place, eventually).

it's literally against human nature, so it tends to freak people out

It seems like the equal rights movement would have a nigh impossible task on their hands there. :( Poor them.

personality traits start getting defined around age three or so

I don't know why I find that so interesting but I do. I'm guessing they then start getting socialized in that way and deciding later on that you're actually a switch or something would be pretty difficult.

(Of course, I'm wondering what would've happened to me, and I'm guessing I would've gotten called a sub, which would've been really awesome once I realized I never wanted to have sex, because then I'd be walking around perpetually uncollared unable to find anyone who'd cut sex out of the equation. Maybe I could get mean in high school and convince people I was a switch, though I don't know that'd be any better societally-speaking.)

just like D/s has a pretty explicit sexual connotation to us, to the point that I at least was really uncomfortable hearing children identified as one or the other, man/woman mostly likely has an explicitly sexual connotation to people in this universe. I mean, we're talking about, you know. Parts.

Oh, man, hear hear. Ick.

(There's this one fan who came up with an AU in which gender is defined by genetics instead of inherent personality traits. Readers are definitely squicked by some of the implications. And very weirded out - "How would they come up with the idea to give all women subservient status to all men? Can't they tell that genitals don't determine your personality? Is everyone in this AU stupid, or what?")

That is pretty brilliant tbh.

IDK it's a little weird because I'm pretty into D/s in a sexual way, but as soon as the lifestyle aspect even begins to enter into the equation I get turned off *really* fast. It doesn't squick me out or anything, but the idea of playing either role annoys the fuck out of me

I'm very similar in this regard. It's not that the lifestyle aspect turns me off as much as it strikes me as being very tiring. I don't think I would want to constantly be responsible for another person to such an extent. I mean, what if you just wanted to be alone and take care of yourself for awhile?

That makes me think I'd be a bi polyamorous dom in this 'verse. I'd screw with people's heads a bit. Fun!

I don't think I would want to constantly be responsible for another person to such an extent. I mean, what if you just wanted to be alone and take care of yourself for awhile?

Ugh, exactly. Like I am not your mama, I'm not about to tell you what to eat. Choose your own damn lunchmeat.

Fake News: The Sword In His Mouth, prologue

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