Fake News: The Thing With Feathers, Chapter 15

[ptahrrific]

Title: The Thing With Feathers, Chapter 15
Fandom: The Daily Show/The Colbert Report
Rating: PG
Words: ~1400
Disclaimer: Two.

For the Report characters: They and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and of course Viacom. Not mine. Sue me not, please.

And for the real people, the poem:
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what's said here is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because we like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
We don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.

Notes: As the geometrician, who endeavours
To square the circle, and discovers not,
By taking thought, the principle he wants,

Even such was I at that new apparition;
I wished to see how the image to the circle
Conformed itself, and how it there finds place;

But my own wings were not enough for this.
--Dante's Paradiso, Canto XXXIII

For the backstory, watch this segment - but only AFTER reading the chapter.

For the full table of contents, click here.

The Thing With Feathers
Chapter 15


(here.)


Jon, Eric, and Allison all lunged for Stephen at the same time. It would have been easy if all they'd had to do was tackle him, but getting him under control without letting anything else hit his wrist was a far more subtle operation.

"I'm sorry!" cried Stephen, kicking in their combined grip, Allison and Eric holding most of him down while Jon put all his attention on that left arm. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I..."

He broke off both the tirade and the thrashing, panting heavily.

"Jon," he gasped. "Jon, is that another hallucination?"

Jon looked up, and saw feathers.


---------------------
---------------------
(there.)


Stephen swayed with the pain, eyes flying shut, and then there were arms around him, catching him, holding him steady, easing him towards the couch, letting him fall against it.

He opened his eyes to see three concerned faces hovering over him, but his gaze went immediately beyond them.

Feathers.

Feathers on feathers on feathers on feathers: rich green and iridescent blue and deep deep red with accents of brilliant gold, feathers brushing past each other to reveal more feathers beneath, so that the illusion was that it was endless, infinite, stretching to limitless feathered depths.

A moment passed, and then another, and then Stephen's eyes pulled back enough to see the form that shaped the feathers: huge, indistinct, but unmissable once you saw it, a three-dimensionality suggesting the body over which the feathers were draped.

Whatever it was, it was moving, coiling, the feathers brushing past each other as the flesh beneath them turned.

The display was captivating, hypnotizing; Stephen heard the other three men catch their breaths as they each turned and saw it. But at last he looked away for long enough to realize that there was something else to look at.

It was as if someone had torn the wall from the office, sliced the opposite wall from an exact copy of the same office, and taped the two ends together. The thing with feathers filled the opening from floor to ceiling at one side, extending nearly a third of the way out from the double-wall at its back. The rest of the opening, though, was clear.

And on the other side, in the other room, in a heap against the other couch...

"Jon?" breathed Stephen.


---------------------
---------------------
(here.)


Jon was utterly caught up in the mass of feathers, and the sense that there was something beneath them, flexing, turning. The sound of his name knocked at the door of his conscious and got no answer.

"Jon!" came the voice again, louder, and at last he turned his head.

It was as though the end had been ripped off of the world and another world pasted on to make up the difference, except that there was a little extra content in the second world, so a stripe down the middle -- which was almost exactly the width of Stephen's office -- happened twice.

And there, on and around the duplicate version of the couch, were Paul, another Eric, another Stephen, and ... Jon himself, except that this version was still in stage attire, the suit and the tie.

It was the other Stephen who had called him.

"Stephen?" he exclaimed shakily. "Are you our Stephen?"

"I voted for Kerry," said the man on the couch hopefully.

Jon grinned, a grin of sheer wild relief. "That's the Stephen I know."

Eric and Eric had locked eyes, but it was Allison who sorted things out first. "You're Bobby," she said to the second Eric. "And you're Tad."

Paul -- no, Tad -- nodded. "Is that ... 'Eric'? And you -- you're not the one who plays me, are you?"

"Nah. Just another writer. I think we're the odd ones out here," said Allison, managing to sound wry despite the breathless awe in her voice.

And Jon, the other Jon, himself as he pretended to be for the shows, right down to the ever-present suit and tie, only real: this Jon was looking in wonder from the real Jon to the other Stephen, the character Stephen, his Stephen.

The real Jon -- if it was fair, at this point, to think of himself as "the real Jon" -- the Jon in the T-shirt and khakis, at least -- followed the suited Jon's gaze to the Stephen who lay limply against him, gasping for air.

This Stephen was still staring, transfixed, at the feathers on feathers on feathers on feathers.

"Did you," he breathed, "do this?"

A pair of bone-white eyes opened in the mass of feathers.

YES, said a voice like rain and lightning.


---------------------

As soon as Eric saw the eyes, the rest of the figure resolved itself, like a Magic Eye pattern suddenly becoming an image. And the image was familiar.

It was stunning to see Bobby, but he had been half expecting to meet his character ever since Stephen's had appeared, so it wasn't as arresting as it could have been. This, though -- the possibility had never occurred to him, and even if he had had some forewarning, nothing could have prepared him for the vastness of it in person.

YOU SAY YOU ARE SORRY, said the earthquake that was its voice.

In the dead silence that followed, Stephen-the-character's strained whisper carried perfectly across the two rooms. "Yes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

FOR WHAT?

"I -- I don't know. Whatever I did. Whatever it was."

YOU DO NOT REMEMBER?

Stephen seemed to shrink. "No! Please, I'm sorry, I don't know!"

"I remember," said Eric.

He spoke more loudly than he'd meant to, and felt all eyes turning to him, even the wide panicked eyes of the Stephen beside him -- even the huge blank white eyes of the feathered god.

"What did I do?" came Stephen's pleading whisper.

Eric swallowed. "You mocked his achievements; you mocked his appearance; you basically said a big 'screw you' to him, then taunted him to smite you, and when he didn't right away, you called him a coward. I remember the segment. I helped write that segment."

Jon, the Jon from Eric's universe, clearly didn't get it. He was looking from Eric to the character Stephen to the great white eyes in lost confusion. But Stephen, the Stephen in the world next door, remembered.

"Hey, Quetzalcoatl," he said softly. "Nice feathers."


---------------------
---------------------
(there.)


The plumed serpent god of the Aztecs turned his brilliantly feathered head with its china-white eyes on Stephen -- the real Stephen, or at least the comedian who played a different Stephen on TV.

"Sorry," he said quickly, holding up his hands, wincing at the motion of the fingers on his left. "Shouldn't have started that. Sorry."

YOU DID NOT MAKE A SINCERE CHALLENGE, said Quetzalcoatl, his voice as broad as the sea. YOU WERE NOT THE TARGET.

He turned back, feathers rustling and gleaming with the motion, to the other Stephen, who was cringing on the floor in a way that made the first Stephen's heart ache.

YOU WERE SIMPLY MOVED TO LEAVE A PLACE FOR THIS ONE.


---------------------
---------------------
(here.)


"Are you telling us," said Jon, "that all of this -- what you've put this Stephen through..."

"...not to mention," added Jon, "what you've put this Stephen through..."

"...that it was all over some insults this one lobbed in a segment from years ago?"

IT WAS A VERY THOROUGH SMITING, said Quetzalcoatl, IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF.

Jon and Jon leapt to their feet and began to shout as one.


---------------------
---------------------
(there.)


"What the hell?"

"You tear this man from his home, from his life--"

"--throw him to us with no explanation how or why--"

"--no idea whether we'll see our Stephen again--"

"--no warning, no nothing--"

"--we didn't even know it was possible--"

"--scared us all, terrified him--"

"--hurt, panic, confusion--"

Stephen realized that, if he closed his eyes, he had no idea which Jon was which. They could have been talking over each other, or they could have been finishing each other's sentences.

"--separated him from his medication--"

"--when he has a broken bone, for God's sake--"

"--no instructions on how to get back--"

"--just gambling on the possibility that he would get desperate enough to apologize for anything--"

"--and in the meantime he's separated from his family--"

"--doesn't know if he'll see his kids again--"

He couldn't tell which Jon was defending which Stephen either. Or were they switching off?

"--when he didn't do anything wrong--"

"--and all he did was say some stupid things--"

"--he's thoughtless, he's careless, but that's all--"

"--he's not malicious, he's no threat--"

"--of all the petty, vindictive--"

"--complete overreaction--"

"--you had no right--"

"--you dared!--"

"--you had no right!"

They stood, side by side, fists clenched, cheeks flushed, eyes blazing: two tiny, furious, middle-aged Jews, trying to shout down a god.

Comments

[nacchi-camui.livejournal.com]

Quetzalcoatl. *bounces* OF COURSE. You managed to put so much mystery around that thing with feathers I never thought about him (if you can say 'him') once. That's an awesome plot twist. Gosh. To chose that god with feathers is so better than anything else, the poor Aztec gods are so ignored by most of people. I'm glad Stephen insulted him now :p

Two tiny, furious, middle-aged Jews, trying to shout down a god.
In some way, that description of Jon(s) could work as a general one. He's not trying to shout down a god per say everyday but...you know.
All that to say I love this line.
I just hope Quetza is not going to get angrier because of Jon and mash up universes to kill them all or something. Me wants happy ending...

I indeed really love this chapter :D

[ptahrrific]

You could see every allusion to feathers in the rest of the story as a subtle and layered commentary on the interrelation of myth, faith, and belief; or you could see them as a massively complicated distraction ^_~

I think Stephen thinks Quetzalcoatl is neglected too; he's mentioned him several times, both on TDS and TCR.

Oh, I'm glad you like that line. I wrote half of the ending just for the sake of that line.

[gaiafaye.livejournal.com]

Oh ho ho, I see! I'd been thinking more in terms of "the thing about feathers" this whole time. Tricky tricky! Though I don't know anything about Aztec gods so my first guess probably would've been Stephen Jr.

Oh, Jons, yer gonna get everyone turned inside out or something. :(

[ptahrrific]

Like I said above: you could see every allusion to feathers in the rest of the story as a subtle and layered commentary on the interrelation of myth, faith, and belief; or you could see them as a massively complicated distraction ^_~

Hang in there.

[violent-rabbit.livejournal.com]

The last line! The Jons! My fangirl heart has EXPLODED.

IT WAS A VERY THOROUGH SMITING, said Quetzalcoatl, IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF. Hee! He reminds a little of Discworld's death. ANd it's great that there has been a break from the angst. :D


I LOVE THIS SO HARD.

[ptahrrific]

Half of this ending was written for that line.

I definitely stole Quetzalcoatl's mode of talking from Death. (I love Pratchett's ability to distinguish voices in general.)

Thank you ♥

[roffleatyou.livejournal.com]

LKSDFkljd

this story is crazy weird

but in a good way!

zomg

[ptahrrific]

Sounds about right.

Thank you!

[lucia-tanaka.livejournal.com]

Well, that sort of shifts my reading of the story thus far...

:continues to use this icon as it is horribly fitting as Lucy is a massive killjoy:

[ptahrrific]

Depends on whether the shift was good or bad.

I think the last chapter was the one that really brought the "you didn't think it was going to get this weird, did you?" This one just lays down the specifics, so you can go into the end knowing exactly where you stand.

[belmanoir.livejournal.com]

JONSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

omg so much love. so much love. no words. love.

[ptahrrific]

This is the Jons' moment of glory.

Thank you ♥

[forgottenbutton.livejournal.com]

Wow. Just fucking wow. I mean,,Quetzalcoatl? God. God. Amazing.

[ptahrrific]

"God." -- yes, exactly.

Glad it hit home.

[f-real.livejournal.com]

Jesus fucking Christ. I've had shitty internet access for the past month or so and I was planning on waiting 'til the end of the story, then spending an hour or to in a cafe with my laptop and hitting every chapter to leave a comment after all this time - and then I was away this weekend, and caught up on the last two chapters as one and I can't not comment her, just can't do it, the build-up and switching off at the end of the last chapter and then this - They stood, side by side, fists clenched, cheeks flushed, eyes blazing: two tiny, furious, middle-aged Jews, trying to shout down a god. and everything that runs up to it - Jesus fucking Christ on a pogo stick. I adore it. I love that this whole story stretched our limits of disbelief for a 'realistic' fiction, stretched and twisted and made elastic and then here took a sharp turn to the left, or the right or up or down and folded in on itself - it's the premise of the story taken to its most rigidly logical end, its most extreme conclusion. I love it. I love stories like that, and I think you've been very daring here and that it works and you and I are rewarded for it, when all I've done is sit here and read along.

Brava.

[ptahrrific]

I am unbelievably thrilled that this is your reaction.

This story turned suspension of disbelief into a roller coaster and yanked it all over the place. So glad you're enjoying the ride, and that the Jons' moment of glory packed all the punch it was meant to.

Thank you. ♥

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

They stood, side by side, fists clenched, cheeks flushed, eyes blazing: two tiny, furious, middle-aged Jews, trying to shout down a god.
Doesn't that just say it all? It did to me. I'm not surprised to hear you are a Pratchett fan, because this has a definite Pratchettian flavor to it. (And I knew that had to be a DEATH reference. :D)

Quetzalcoatl is perfect. As is this fic. Well done indeed!

[ptahrrific]

So glad you liked that line.

I actually only got into Pratchett recently -- like, a matter of months ago (with the exception of Good Omens). But people have been telling me I should read his books for ages, and they are indeed right up my alley. (I've been a Douglas Adams fan since I was little, too.)

Thank you!

[girlofjuly.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. That makes so much sense :) I love the Jons shouting at Quetzalcoatl, hee.

[ptahrrific]

So glad it worked for you. (I love the Jons too.)

[miazilla.livejournal.com]

Oh, Jons. So much love.

[ptahrrific]

Aren't they, though? Thank you ♥

[shruti-42.livejournal.com]

I think the last sentence would be more powerful if god were capitalized, although - does capitalized God imply definiteness? In which case "a God" would not be grammatically acceptable? Nevermind, that's probably a stupid pedantic point. Actually, I have no idea what the rules are about when god is supposed to be capitalized and when it's not. I just thought that since, you know, they're facing him (?), and that he clearly was controlling their lives that it should be capitalized to give the readers the sense that the Jons are facing something greater and more powerful.

Also, I hope to see Quetzalcoatl more powerful and less "haha, suckers" in the next segment (though, I mean, there's an element to the "haha, suckers" attitude that adds to this too). That said, Quetzalcoatl ! That was exciting. I look forward to seeing how this concludes.

I used the word "powerful" three times in the above commentary, and I guess that's just my thing, with literature and such, the three things I'm always looking for are beauty, power, and wit - a healthy balance of the three, I guess. And I guess I feel that this story would benefit from Quetzalcoatl exhibiting more power - after all, he is the character that caused this entire story to happen.

[ptahrrific]

Yes, the capital G implies the God (thus the title of Reza Aslan's book No god but God).

That . . . really isn't the attitude he's taking. I mean, he preens a little at his accomplishment re: "Stephen", but regarding the others, he simply doesn't care.

And he did just re-order two universes for the specific (and successful) goal of having "Stephen" torn down on every level, and is currently holding the pieces of two worlds together at the edges, not to mention speaking all capitals. If that doesn't say "power", I really don't know what else to do.

I am glad that you were pleasantly surprised, and are still excited =)

[michablack.livejournal.com]

Oh wow... I really don't know what to say to this chapter. Which isn't because it's bad, I'm just really, really surprised right now. Think I need to reread it in a bit, heh...

[bigukgal.livejournal.com]

TWAS THE GODS! THE GODS I TELL THE...

Did not see that coming. I <3 that Jon loves his Stephen here, there and everywhere.(Even more so in this reality as I type, one would imagine.) So much that he would dare shout down a God and risk his own ass.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

[ptahrrific]

Nobody saw it coming, not exactly (although a few came close).

Both Jons love their Stephens -- in different ways, but, at least in this case, with the same effect =3

Glad you like!

[falsifiability.livejournal.com]

OH, fantastic! My heart is bursting with love for the Jons right now.

And on a more random note, thank you for bringing just that touch of... well, I want to say science fiction, because that's where my heart lies when it's not in the punditverse, but that's not really Quetzalcoatl, is it? I suppose fantasy would do. Anyway, I didn't realize how much I've missed the flavor of alternate reality while immersed in TDS/TCR.

And I did enjoy reading through the comment discussion up above :) sign of a thought-provoking story, that is! Kudos!

[ptahrrific]

Sci-fi and fantasy often go hand in hand (like Clarke said, sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic). This has had a sci-fi flair all along, especially with the Twilight Zone analogies, so I think science fantasy is a fair category for it.

Thrilled that it worked for you -- and that you approve of the Jons in their moment of glory =)

[stellar-dust.livejournal.com]

YAY JONS! They're merging. Finishing each other's sentences. Defending both Stephens. Oh, I love them both. *squishes them together* ..... not to take away from the awesome dignity of that image you've left us with, though! (Is it too much to hope that you might draw it sometime? :D )

Of course, poor "Stephen." Oh dear.

Also, YAY Quetzalcoatl! (Though I was still *totally* picturing Proginoskes until you gave the name. That would also be cool.) Aztec gods are completely underloved in general, though. They should count their blessings that it's Big Q and not Huitzilopochtli or Tlaloc. XD /is a nerd

Poor Quetzalcoatl is probably bored out of his wee feathered head most of the time, since no one's bothered about him anymore, and is just really glad to finally have something to do! And hope is the thing with feathers, right? So I'm not worried. Sad that there's only one chapter and epilogue left .. but not worried.

(I had some other deep thought while reading comments that may or may not have been Narnia-related, but it's gone now, alas.)

[ptahrrific]

I actually tried to draw that scene, several times. I couldn't get it to live up to the way it looks in my head.

And now we see exactly why poor "Stephen" has been such a recurring theme.

*looks up Proginoskes* Ooh. Those books aren't directly referenced, but they definitely influenced how I think about mythology and the mechanics of the world. (Ditto for Narnia.)

There are lots of other goodies still to come; check the table of contents ^_~

And thank you!

I LOVE this!

[(Anonymous)]

I am so glad you've uploaded the next chapter! I love this, it is really funny... lol

<(^_^)> ~Lexie~

Re: I LOVE this!

[ptahrrific]

So glad you enjoy it ^_^

[annakovsky.livejournal.com]

This is SO GREAT.

[ptahrrific]

Thank you!

Onward!

[beebee852001.livejournal.com]

Quetzalcoatl! I guessed as soon as he was told to apologise! That's so perfect, I really love it :D The Jons are so awesome. This was great, I love the explanation. Fantastic.


Reviewed backwards because again I ran out of time, and didn't have much lj time this week. I read them in order though

[ptahrrific]

So glad you guessed. I didn't want it to be obvious earlier, but I wanted it to make sense once it happened.

Everybody loves the Jons. And with good reason.

Thank you!

[crackt3h2nd.livejournal.com]

"Hey, Quetzalcoatl," he said softly. "Nice feathers."

.....OOOHHHH.....Sorry, not familiar with this version. I only know the Final Fantasy VIII version.

They stood, side by side, fists clenched, cheeks flushed, eyes blazing: two tiny, furious, middle-aged Jews, trying to shout down a god.

God, that was brilliant. The image was startlingly powerful, and the whole 'Quetzalcoatl' sequence too. What a damn plot twist. That was pretty awesome. I thought it was an angel... Cool...

To quote another person: Jebus Fucking Cripes.

[ptahrrific]

FFVIII? Lol. This is the actual version, insofar as there can be an "actual" version of a fictional being ^_~

So glad it worked for you.

[amberite.livejournal.com]

Oh, beautiful. And suddenly the title, which could have been mistaken for a random froofy in-vogue poem line (in fact was mistaken -- by me) makes gobs of sense and leaves me with a 'gotcha'.

[holly-cullen.livejournal.com]

You're incredible. The storyline is fantastic, the characters are IC the whole time, and the writing is phenominal.

[asimaiyat.livejournal.com]

OMG. I just followed a rec to this story and kind of read the whole thing in one setting. Kind of amazing. I don't know how you manage to juggle multiple versions of the same characters without it being confusing or hard to follow (mysterious is different from confusing!). Thanks for the great read!

(also obviously the ending is ADORABLE.)

[ptahrrific]

Thanks for commenting - so glad you liked!

[longlivehumour]

Hey ptah, you are
a very good writer.
I keep coming back to your stuff and every time I'm struck, I'm punched, I'm knocked to the floor by your concluding lines. The build up of tension is like watching a tower of cards being constructed: you can visualise the next move, yet still hold your breath as the card is laid down, and it all leads up to the moment you slap the completed structure to the ground.

That metaphor got away from me, but you get the drift, I hope. I'm not exaggerating when I say your stories are one of my go-tos for writing advice and inspiration.

[acorn_squash]

Jon teamup for the win!