Erin Ptah (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ptahrrific) wrote2009-03-26 06:21 pm
ptahrrific) wrote2009-03-26 06:21 pm
Entry tags:
Fake News: The WØRD - Simple
Title: The WØRD - January 2, 2007: Simple
Series: The Colbert Report
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: It ain't my fake news show; I just fake write for it.
Done for the Colboard Report, the fan-produced series of segments that helped TCR addicts on the old Colbert Nation forum make it through a long cold show-free vacation.
___
As you probably could have guessed, Nation, I keep my Yule log burning all through January. We all know the Christmas season technically ends at Epiphany, but I like to go the extra mile for my faith. I'm sure Jesus appreciates it, even if my wife doesn't.
Anyway, I was ripping up the New York Times to make tinder for the fire this morning, when this story caught my eye: Chaos Overran Iraq Plan in '06. It's exactly what you'd expect from that liberal rag, but it brings us to tonight's WØRD.
Simple!
The mainstream media would have you believe that the world is a complicated place, full of loopholes and tangents and "shades of grey". The problem is that people try too hard to twist problems into the Administration's perfectly straightforward and simple plans.
For example, the President's plan for fixing up Iraq was so simple, it could be summed up in three words: clear, hold, and build. What could be simpler than that?
Now, if the Iraqi people had just gotten on board with this plan, everything would have gone perfectly. But listen to this quote from Stephen J. Hadley, the President's national security adviser: "We could not clear and hold. Iraqi forces were not able to hold neighborhoods, and the effort to build did not show up."
Okay, so the first part of that makes it sound like it could have been partially our fault.
But the rest of it clearly states that the Iraqis were unable to handle the holding part, and there was a serious lack of responsibility on the part of...
...um...
...actually, he doesn't specify where the effort to build was supposed to come from.
But how hard could it be? I mean, it was President Bush's plan, and he knows what he's talking about, at least when it comes to clearing things - like brush. So he must know about holding and building. And, come on, building things sounds like a really simple process.
That's what the President likes: things that sound simple. For example, at the end of the article it explains why he likes the word victory: "It's a word the American people understand, and if I start to change it, it will look like I'm beginning to change my policy."
You see, it doesn't matter that nobody has any idea what he means by victory any more: it takes the complicated picture that his advisers are arguing over and turns it into something simple enough for us to handle.
Unlike the New York Times, which is always throwing around intellectual-elitiest words like "introspection", "referendum", and "sectarian", Bush talks like the regular person he is.
And speaking of Bushes who are regular guys, the President's brother, outgoing Florida governor Jeb Bush, was asked what he would miss most about the Governor's Mansion. His answer, and I quote: "Fresh towels."
Rather than going off on some complicated philosophical tangent, Governor Bush went for something tangible, something that everyone can identify with, something that shows just how normal he is.
Even though he keeps saying he doesn't intend to, maybe he should run for President in 2008. For those of us whose cars are already covered with "Elect Bush" bumper stickers, it would make life a lot more simple.
And that's the WØRD. We'll be right back.
Series: The Colbert Report
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: It ain't my fake news show; I just fake write for it.
Done for the Colboard Report, the fan-produced series of segments that helped TCR addicts on the old Colbert Nation forum make it through a long cold show-free vacation.
___
As you probably could have guessed, Nation, I keep my Yule log burning all through January. We all know the Christmas season technically ends at Epiphany, but I like to go the extra mile for my faith. I'm sure Jesus appreciates it, even if my wife doesn't.
Anyway, I was ripping up the New York Times to make tinder for the fire this morning, when this story caught my eye: Chaos Overran Iraq Plan in '06. It's exactly what you'd expect from that liberal rag, but it brings us to tonight's WØRD.
Simple!
The mainstream media would have you believe that the world is a complicated place, full of loopholes and tangents and "shades of grey". The problem is that people try too hard to twist problems into the Administration's perfectly straightforward and simple plans.
For example, the President's plan for fixing up Iraq was so simple, it could be summed up in three words: clear, hold, and build. What could be simpler than that?
Now, if the Iraqi people had just gotten on board with this plan, everything would have gone perfectly. But listen to this quote from Stephen J. Hadley, the President's national security adviser: "We could not clear and hold. Iraqi forces were not able to hold neighborhoods, and the effort to build did not show up."
Okay, so the first part of that makes it sound like it could have been partially our fault.
But the rest of it clearly states that the Iraqis were unable to handle the holding part, and there was a serious lack of responsibility on the part of...
...um...
...actually, he doesn't specify where the effort to build was supposed to come from.
But how hard could it be? I mean, it was President Bush's plan, and he knows what he's talking about, at least when it comes to clearing things - like brush. So he must know about holding and building. And, come on, building things sounds like a really simple process.
That's what the President likes: things that sound simple. For example, at the end of the article it explains why he likes the word victory: "It's a word the American people understand, and if I start to change it, it will look like I'm beginning to change my policy."
You see, it doesn't matter that nobody has any idea what he means by victory any more: it takes the complicated picture that his advisers are arguing over and turns it into something simple enough for us to handle.
Unlike the New York Times, which is always throwing around intellectual-elitiest words like "introspection", "referendum", and "sectarian", Bush talks like the regular person he is.
And speaking of Bushes who are regular guys, the President's brother, outgoing Florida governor Jeb Bush, was asked what he would miss most about the Governor's Mansion. His answer, and I quote: "Fresh towels."
Rather than going off on some complicated philosophical tangent, Governor Bush went for something tangible, something that everyone can identify with, something that shows just how normal he is.
Even though he keeps saying he doesn't intend to, maybe he should run for President in 2008. For those of us whose cars are already covered with "Elect Bush" bumper stickers, it would make life a lot more simple.
And that's the WØRD. We'll be right back.