Erin Ptah (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ptahrrific) wrote2008-09-18 12:33 am
ptahrrific) wrote2008-09-18 12:33 am
Entry tags:
Fake News/Doctor Who: How Many Time Lords Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? (7/8)
Title: Truthiness And Relative Dimensions In Space: How Many Time Lords Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? (7/8)
Rating: PG (with ropes on)
Series: The Colbert Report, Doctor Who
Spoilers: Anything through New Who S4 is fair game.
Summary: Stephen's pro-fascism leanings are drawing him to the Master, until Sarah Jane asks the classic question: WWJD?
A cosmos without the Doctor scarcely bears thinking about.
The Master (The Five Doctors)
Beta and Brit-picking by the melodiousstellar_dust. Table of contents, and footnotes, here.
How Many Time Lords Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Part Seven
Ahnooie-4: 3792.
The Doctor is in his fourth incarnation. Sarah Jane Smith is 29. Stephen Colbert is 44. The Master is in the incarnation played by Anthony Ainley.
When Stephen had made his declaration, the room went so quiet that he started to wonder if the connection had given out.
Finally the Doctor replied. "Come again?"
"You heard me."
"Stephen, I know you're upset, but you can't possibly want to stay with the Master!"
"And why not?"
"He's evil!" sputtered the Doctor.
"Says who?"
"Says—well, the inhabitants of all the planets he's taken over, for one!"
"I'm sure he only took them over for their own good. They were probably freewheeling hives of liberal excess that needed a little rule-of-law to whip them into shape."
"His goal is to take over the entire universe!"
"You have a problem with ambition?"
Sarah Jane's voice broke into the conversation. "But what about democracy? The American ideal?"
"Democracy's great, but I'm pro-fascism. Always have been."
"He's terrorized populations!" cried the Doctor. "Enslaved entire races! Induced interplanetary wars! If I hadn't shown up to thwart his schemes, he might have brought down whole galaxies by now!"
None of this was news to Stephen. The Master had bragged about quite a bit of it in his presence, egged on by the Rani's snarking. But there were other pieces of information tucked away in his mind: ideas he had picked up in conversation with the Master the night before, even if they were a bit fuzzy from the vast amount of alcohol that had been in his system at the time.
"He's saved your life."
"What?"
"He has, hasn't he? In the past . . . your past, anyway . . . the Master has saved your life."
"Well, yes," the Doctor admitted. "Multiple times, in fact. What difference does that make?"
"It makes plenty of difference!" cried Stephen. "Isn't it obvious?"
"Don't be silly! He's a mass-murdering megalomaniac! What good does it do for him to save one being when he's harmed and killed countless others?"
"You're not just 'one being.' You're the Doctor. You're the one who always foils his plans. If he really just wanted power, he'd be glad to get you out of the way! But he makes sure you can always reach him! And, sure, his plans are huge and grandiose and over-the-top. They have to be! You wouldn't try to stop them if they weren't big enough to make you notice in the first place! Don't you understand? He's doing it all to get your attention, Jon!"
⇔
By the light of the image of a defiant-looking Stephen on the console room wall screen, Sarah Jane could just make out the Doctor's bewildered expression as he turned to look at her.
"Jon? Who's this Jon?"
"Who said anything about Jon?" demanded Stephen.
"You did. Just now, you called me Jon."
In spite of the bickering, Sarah Jane's mind was racing.
"I did no such thing."
There was only one Jon that Stephen could possibly be referring to: the one that he talked about incessantly, usually in the context of how he was not talking about him, or didn't need to talk about him, or wasn't so much as thinking about him.
"You most certainly did!"
Although Stephen had deflected all questions, Sarah Jane had gathered that Jon Stewart was either a close friend or a bitter rival, regarded with a fierce jealousy that stemmed either from resentment or admiration. And she couldn't for the life of her figure out which it was.
"Did not!"
This apparently irreconcilable mix of emotions suddenly fell into place. Of course. Contradictory or not, Stephen felt them all at once.
"Stephen," interrupted Sarah Jane, cutting off the argument before it could deteriorate any further, "you say the Master just wants the Doctor's attention, right?"
"That's exactly what I said. Nothing to do with Jon. I don't know where you got that idea."
"Then why doesn't the Master get involved in grandiose plans to help people, instead of controlling them? That would get the Doctor's attention and his approval."
"The Master doesn't need the Doctor's approval," said Stephen sulkily. "He's doing fine on his own."
"But he could have it if he wanted," pressed Sarah Jane, trying to ignore the fact that the Doctor was looking at her as if she had gone well and truly round the bend. "Why doesn't he try?"
"Maybe because the Doctor's an idiot?"
Sarah Jane held up a hand to stay the Doctor's protest. "The Master doesn't really believe that. He and the Doctor may not get along very well, but they do respect each other."
"I guess," allowed Stephen.
Now they were getting somewhere. "And they've been dealing with each other a long time. They know each other inside and out."
"Hang on. 'Inside'?"
"It's a metaphor," said Sarah Jane quickly. "The point is, I bet you the Master could guess what the Doctor would do in just about any situation. If the Doctor were in the position that the Master is in right now, do you think he would be working on taking over the universe?"
Stephen looked terribly uncomfortable by this point. "No-o."
"Well, in that case, you have to ask yourself: what would Jon do?"
Before Stephen could respond, the door to his room opened and a stern-looking Time Lady walked into the frame.
"It's time," she said. "Ah, I see you've discovered the camera. No need to worry; it isn't working." She raised a hand, the nails lacquered bright red, and crooked a finger. "Come along."
"Yes, Rani," said Stephen obediently. He followed her without looking back.
No sooner were they gone than the Doctor wrapped Sarah Jane in a furious bear hug. "You were brilliant!" he enthused. "I don't know what you did, but it worked!"
"It did?" stammered Sarah Jane, gasping for breath as the hug squeezed her lungs. "He's with us again? How could you tell?"
"He said so! Right there at the end, when . . . oh, of course!" The Doctor set her down, the dim screen illuminating his gargoyle grin. "You wouldn't have seen it. Although I can't think when he had the time to learn Delphon."
⇔
The next call from the Master arrived when they were already on the move.
Doing his best to sound defeated, the Doctor admitted that they were on the way over, and for good measure took a moment to implore that Stephen not be hurt. As soon as he hung up, they went back to discussing the plan.
When they were in sight of the Rani's TARDIS (in the form of a boarded-up kiosk), though, the Doctor abruptly pulled Sarah Jane behind a stand selling novelty hats. "Look at the bench just beyond the kiosk," he hissed. "They've got someone standing guard."
Sarah Jane stuck her head out to see. "I'm not so sure. We saw those two walking around earlier. I'm glad the girl got her ice cream. Maybe her mother's just the protective type."
"Can't be that simple. That woman has a military bearing if ever I saw one."
"Are you sure?" asked Sarah Jane, and checked again.
The pair were gone.
"Oh, I'm sure," said the Doctor wryly. There was a strange catch in his voice.
"Turn around," added a light female voice. "Slowly."
Sarah Jane turned, and stared. Not only had the blonde woman come up behind them without being noticed, she had put the Doctor in a grappling hold with a miniature laser pistol pressed to his throat. Her daughter was standing off to the side, paying more attention to the ice cream dribbling from the bottom of the cone than to the adults' confrontation.
"Hands in the air," said the woman. "Don't even think about going for the sonic lipstick."
"The what?" asked Sarah Jane, though she raised her hands.
Ignoring the question, the stranger addressed her captive in a low voice. "I'm only going to ask this once, and I want a straight answer. No waffling, no dodging, no hemming, no hawing. Just yes or no: Are you the Doctor?"
Rating: PG (with ropes on)
Series: The Colbert Report, Doctor Who
Spoilers: Anything through New Who S4 is fair game.
Summary: Stephen's pro-fascism leanings are drawing him to the Master, until Sarah Jane asks the classic question: WWJD?
A cosmos without the Doctor scarcely bears thinking about.
The Master (The Five Doctors)
Beta and Brit-picking by the melodious
stellar_dust. Table of contents, and footnotes, here.How Many Time Lords Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Part Seven
Ahnooie-4: 3792.
The Doctor is in his fourth incarnation. Sarah Jane Smith is 29. Stephen Colbert is 44. The Master is in the incarnation played by Anthony Ainley.
When Stephen had made his declaration, the room went so quiet that he started to wonder if the connection had given out.
Finally the Doctor replied. "Come again?"
"You heard me."
"Stephen, I know you're upset, but you can't possibly want to stay with the Master!"
"And why not?"
"He's evil!" sputtered the Doctor.
"Says who?"
"Says—well, the inhabitants of all the planets he's taken over, for one!"
"I'm sure he only took them over for their own good. They were probably freewheeling hives of liberal excess that needed a little rule-of-law to whip them into shape."
"His goal is to take over the entire universe!"
"You have a problem with ambition?"
Sarah Jane's voice broke into the conversation. "But what about democracy? The American ideal?"
"Democracy's great, but I'm pro-fascism. Always have been."
"He's terrorized populations!" cried the Doctor. "Enslaved entire races! Induced interplanetary wars! If I hadn't shown up to thwart his schemes, he might have brought down whole galaxies by now!"
None of this was news to Stephen. The Master had bragged about quite a bit of it in his presence, egged on by the Rani's snarking. But there were other pieces of information tucked away in his mind: ideas he had picked up in conversation with the Master the night before, even if they were a bit fuzzy from the vast amount of alcohol that had been in his system at the time.
"He's saved your life."
"What?"
"He has, hasn't he? In the past . . . your past, anyway . . . the Master has saved your life."
"Well, yes," the Doctor admitted. "Multiple times, in fact. What difference does that make?"
"It makes plenty of difference!" cried Stephen. "Isn't it obvious?"
"Don't be silly! He's a mass-murdering megalomaniac! What good does it do for him to save one being when he's harmed and killed countless others?"
"You're not just 'one being.' You're the Doctor. You're the one who always foils his plans. If he really just wanted power, he'd be glad to get you out of the way! But he makes sure you can always reach him! And, sure, his plans are huge and grandiose and over-the-top. They have to be! You wouldn't try to stop them if they weren't big enough to make you notice in the first place! Don't you understand? He's doing it all to get your attention, Jon!"
By the light of the image of a defiant-looking Stephen on the console room wall screen, Sarah Jane could just make out the Doctor's bewildered expression as he turned to look at her.
"Jon? Who's this Jon?"
"Who said anything about Jon?" demanded Stephen.
"You did. Just now, you called me Jon."
In spite of the bickering, Sarah Jane's mind was racing.
"I did no such thing."
There was only one Jon that Stephen could possibly be referring to: the one that he talked about incessantly, usually in the context of how he was not talking about him, or didn't need to talk about him, or wasn't so much as thinking about him.
"You most certainly did!"
Although Stephen had deflected all questions, Sarah Jane had gathered that Jon Stewart was either a close friend or a bitter rival, regarded with a fierce jealousy that stemmed either from resentment or admiration. And she couldn't for the life of her figure out which it was.
"Did not!"
This apparently irreconcilable mix of emotions suddenly fell into place. Of course. Contradictory or not, Stephen felt them all at once.
"Stephen," interrupted Sarah Jane, cutting off the argument before it could deteriorate any further, "you say the Master just wants the Doctor's attention, right?"
"That's exactly what I said. Nothing to do with Jon. I don't know where you got that idea."
"Then why doesn't the Master get involved in grandiose plans to help people, instead of controlling them? That would get the Doctor's attention and his approval."
"The Master doesn't need the Doctor's approval," said Stephen sulkily. "He's doing fine on his own."
"But he could have it if he wanted," pressed Sarah Jane, trying to ignore the fact that the Doctor was looking at her as if she had gone well and truly round the bend. "Why doesn't he try?"
"Maybe because the Doctor's an idiot?"
Sarah Jane held up a hand to stay the Doctor's protest. "The Master doesn't really believe that. He and the Doctor may not get along very well, but they do respect each other."
"I guess," allowed Stephen.
Now they were getting somewhere. "And they've been dealing with each other a long time. They know each other inside and out."
"Hang on. 'Inside'?"
"It's a metaphor," said Sarah Jane quickly. "The point is, I bet you the Master could guess what the Doctor would do in just about any situation. If the Doctor were in the position that the Master is in right now, do you think he would be working on taking over the universe?"
Stephen looked terribly uncomfortable by this point. "No-o."
"Well, in that case, you have to ask yourself: what would Jon do?"
Before Stephen could respond, the door to his room opened and a stern-looking Time Lady walked into the frame.
"It's time," she said. "Ah, I see you've discovered the camera. No need to worry; it isn't working." She raised a hand, the nails lacquered bright red, and crooked a finger. "Come along."
"Yes, Rani," said Stephen obediently. He followed her without looking back.
No sooner were they gone than the Doctor wrapped Sarah Jane in a furious bear hug. "You were brilliant!" he enthused. "I don't know what you did, but it worked!"
"It did?" stammered Sarah Jane, gasping for breath as the hug squeezed her lungs. "He's with us again? How could you tell?"
"He said so! Right there at the end, when . . . oh, of course!" The Doctor set her down, the dim screen illuminating his gargoyle grin. "You wouldn't have seen it. Although I can't think when he had the time to learn Delphon."
The next call from the Master arrived when they were already on the move.
Doing his best to sound defeated, the Doctor admitted that they were on the way over, and for good measure took a moment to implore that Stephen not be hurt. As soon as he hung up, they went back to discussing the plan.
When they were in sight of the Rani's TARDIS (in the form of a boarded-up kiosk), though, the Doctor abruptly pulled Sarah Jane behind a stand selling novelty hats. "Look at the bench just beyond the kiosk," he hissed. "They've got someone standing guard."
Sarah Jane stuck her head out to see. "I'm not so sure. We saw those two walking around earlier. I'm glad the girl got her ice cream. Maybe her mother's just the protective type."
"Can't be that simple. That woman has a military bearing if ever I saw one."
"Are you sure?" asked Sarah Jane, and checked again.
The pair were gone.
"Oh, I'm sure," said the Doctor wryly. There was a strange catch in his voice.
"Turn around," added a light female voice. "Slowly."
Sarah Jane turned, and stared. Not only had the blonde woman come up behind them without being noticed, she had put the Doctor in a grappling hold with a miniature laser pistol pressed to his throat. Her daughter was standing off to the side, paying more attention to the ice cream dribbling from the bottom of the cone than to the adults' confrontation.
"Hands in the air," said the woman. "Don't even think about going for the sonic lipstick."
"The what?" asked Sarah Jane, though she raised her hands.
Ignoring the question, the stranger addressed her captive in a low voice. "I'm only going to ask this once, and I want a straight answer. No waffling, no dodging, no hemming, no hawing. Just yes or no: Are you the Doctor?"