Erin Ptah (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ptahrrific) wrote2010-09-05 06:17 pm
ptahrrific) wrote2010-09-05 06:17 pm
Fake News: Pace Yourself For Me
Title: Pace Yourself For Me
Rating: G for the first half; PG-13 for the second
Characters/pairings: "Stephen"/Jon, family
Disclaimer: Two.
For the Report characters: They and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and of course Viacom. Not mine. Sue me not, please.
And for the real people, the poem:
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what's said here is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because we like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
We don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.
This is a jumble of ideas for some kind of college-age AU. One written scene, one illustration, and a bit of synopsis. Stephen's deeply closeted about his attraction to guys, and feels much safer when he appears to have a girlfriend. Which works out fine for Jon, who's in a closet of his own.
Most of it was originally posted here. A link is going on the Transverse masterlist. And, yes, the title is from the Killers song.
(For the record: if anyone wants to take this concept and run with it, either using these specifics as canon or contradicting them completely...go for it.)
Stephen pokes his head through the door with the exaggerated caution of a soldier behind enemy lines. "Everything all right in here?"
Jon puts aside the magazine (he wasn't really reading it anyway, and he finished the crossword on the plane) and sits up. He hasn't bothered climbing under the covers; the blue-flowered sheets remain as Stephen's mother folded them, if slightly crumpled by his uneasy tossing. "As all right as it's gonna get, I guess."
"Mama says I'm supposed to be a gentleman and offer you my bed," reports Stephen, joining him on the end of the mattress that sticks out from between the dryer and the wall. "Well, not my bed, because Eddie's twins are there tonight. But a couch. Which is slightly nicer than the laundry room."
"I'm fine down here. Really," insists Jon. There's a crack running along the stone floor; he braces his sock-clad heels against it. "Besides, I kind of need the break."
Stephen shakes his head. "I don't think you understand. When Mama says 'offer', she means 'if you don't take it, they will assume I haven't been hospitable enough, and Papa will come downstairs and escort you up there himself, all the while wondering out loud what kind of son he raised.'"
"I'm not a sack of potatoes!" snaps Jon. "Your whole family's been drooling over me all day like a pack of wolves! Is it too much to ask that they not haul me around at night, too?"
Stephen wilts, and Jon instantly regrets the outburst. At least he can seethe and fume to his heart's content. Stephen can't say so much as a word of caution against his parents without feeling like he's swallowing knives.
"I'm sorry," he murmurs, putting a hand on the small of Stephen's back and rubbing small circles in the flannel. "I know this isn't easy for you either."
"Who said it wasn't easy?" chokes Stephen. "Everyone's telling me how proud they are of me, how they never thought they'd see the day. Why wouldn't that be easy?"
Jon tugs his boyfriend closer; Stephen gulps and slings an arm around him, hand resting on the curve of his hip. "Just a few more days," he says, as much to himself as to Stephen. "And when we get back to school, we'll treat ourselves to something. Just you and me. As a reward for pulling this off."
Stephen perks up hopefully. "I'll be good!"
Jon giggles, in that silly, girly way he hates but Stephen adores enough to make it seem not so bad. "I know you will, babe. And so will I." I promised you I could handle a few days with your family, and I meant it. I'll deal.
A faint smile makes its way onto Stephen's face as he nuzzles Jon's neck, reminding Jon once more why he's putting up with all this in the first place. Trying to draw as much strength as he can from that smile, he pulls Stephen into a kiss....
"A-ha!"
Jon springs away from Stephen's lips to find a six-year-old standing in the doorway, clutching a sticky and purple-stained towel. One of Stephen's nieces, Denise or Danielle or something. "I'm tellin'!" she proclaims, dropping the towel and bolting, the triumphant shout unfurling in her wake: "Gran'pa! Uncle Stephen an' his girlfriend are K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
Stephen pales. "We're so dead."
*
Strawberry Pajamas
*
Their relationship dynamic here is a big thorny mess. Stephen is basically using Jon as a stepping-stone to embracing his own gayness, since he can still present as straight without hiding the relationship altogether. Jon, meanwhile, isn't actually sure where Stephen sees him on the continuum between "a man who presents as female in public" and "a woman who roleplays as male in the bedroom". But he counts himself lucky to have found someone who accepts that duality in the first place - who is neither pushing him to come out to the world, nor insisting on wink-wink-nudge-nudge allusions to his female-bodied-ness during sex - and he isn't sure how much more he's entitled to demand, or, for that matter, whether it will all fall apart if he tries. SO. Mutual use, mutual confusion, overlapping closets, tangled feelings...but still, the possibility of a happy ending lurking somewhere in the distance.
Here's the path!
They're in a new town, to which they have moved after graduating (and ending their financial dependence on their parents in the process). Jon gets on hormones. Stephen's carefully-constructed mental scaffolding, which involves strenuously Not Thinking About many facets of their relationship, starts to fall apart as (a) Jon gets more blatantly masculine, increasingly read as male by the average pedestrian, and (b) Stephen finds this more and more appealing. Jon finally gets up the nerve and/or desperation to confront Stephen with the You Know I'm Seriously A Dude, Right? talk. Stephen has his go-to reaction when confronted with something like this: Deny Everything.
Temporary breakup! Jon practices hitting on people who react to him as male, but does not have the nerve to bring any of them home and out himself as trans. Stephen swings from rage to despondency, finally coming to the realization that if coming out of the closet (to himself and to the world) is the price of being with Jon, then it's one he's willing to pay. So one night, when Jon is in a bar flirting with some fetching young lady, Stephen comes up and gets in the way. Fetching Young Lady: "Look, what are you doing here, anyway?" Stephen: "He's my boyfriend." FYL: "...Ohhhh. Whoa, hey, look at the time! It's Find An Actual Straight Man O'Clock. Gotta run."
Jon is momentarily angry ("I'm not your—"), then registers Stephen's choice of pronouns. Stephen begins attempt at deeply moving confession/apology. Jon cuts him short with OH THANK GOD BECAUSE STEPHEN THESE *HORMONES* YOU HAVE *NO IDEA* I AM GETTING TURNED ON BY *BABY CARROTS* IF WE ARE NOT ON A BED IN TEN MINUTES I WILL FUCK YOU HERE IN THE STREET I SWEAR.
They do in fact make it, and they proceed to have a spree of really hot sex, during which Jon is confident and aggressive and both of them are elated and Stephen says "yes, sir" a lot.
Curtain!
[Postscript: As for the FYL, ten minutes later she meets this charming young gentleman who has the bonus of being a mysterious foreigner (shut up, Canada totally counts as foreign), and not only is he very much into women, but his girlfriend is a sexy redhead, and they take her home and give her wonderful sex and she doesn't give the skinny gay boy with the squeaky voice another thought.]
Rating: G for the first half; PG-13 for the second
Characters/pairings: "Stephen"/Jon, family
Disclaimer: Two.
For the Report characters: They and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and of course Viacom. Not mine. Sue me not, please.
And for the real people, the poem:
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what's said here is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because we like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
We don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.
This is a jumble of ideas for some kind of college-age AU. One written scene, one illustration, and a bit of synopsis. Stephen's deeply closeted about his attraction to guys, and feels much safer when he appears to have a girlfriend. Which works out fine for Jon, who's in a closet of his own.
Most of it was originally posted here. A link is going on the Transverse masterlist. And, yes, the title is from the Killers song.
(For the record: if anyone wants to take this concept and run with it, either using these specifics as canon or contradicting them completely...go for it.)
Stephen pokes his head through the door with the exaggerated caution of a soldier behind enemy lines. "Everything all right in here?"
Jon puts aside the magazine (he wasn't really reading it anyway, and he finished the crossword on the plane) and sits up. He hasn't bothered climbing under the covers; the blue-flowered sheets remain as Stephen's mother folded them, if slightly crumpled by his uneasy tossing. "As all right as it's gonna get, I guess."
"Mama says I'm supposed to be a gentleman and offer you my bed," reports Stephen, joining him on the end of the mattress that sticks out from between the dryer and the wall. "Well, not my bed, because Eddie's twins are there tonight. But a couch. Which is slightly nicer than the laundry room."
"I'm fine down here. Really," insists Jon. There's a crack running along the stone floor; he braces his sock-clad heels against it. "Besides, I kind of need the break."
Stephen shakes his head. "I don't think you understand. When Mama says 'offer', she means 'if you don't take it, they will assume I haven't been hospitable enough, and Papa will come downstairs and escort you up there himself, all the while wondering out loud what kind of son he raised.'"
"I'm not a sack of potatoes!" snaps Jon. "Your whole family's been drooling over me all day like a pack of wolves! Is it too much to ask that they not haul me around at night, too?"
Stephen wilts, and Jon instantly regrets the outburst. At least he can seethe and fume to his heart's content. Stephen can't say so much as a word of caution against his parents without feeling like he's swallowing knives.
"I'm sorry," he murmurs, putting a hand on the small of Stephen's back and rubbing small circles in the flannel. "I know this isn't easy for you either."
"Who said it wasn't easy?" chokes Stephen. "Everyone's telling me how proud they are of me, how they never thought they'd see the day. Why wouldn't that be easy?"
Jon tugs his boyfriend closer; Stephen gulps and slings an arm around him, hand resting on the curve of his hip. "Just a few more days," he says, as much to himself as to Stephen. "And when we get back to school, we'll treat ourselves to something. Just you and me. As a reward for pulling this off."
Stephen perks up hopefully. "I'll be good!"
Jon giggles, in that silly, girly way he hates but Stephen adores enough to make it seem not so bad. "I know you will, babe. And so will I." I promised you I could handle a few days with your family, and I meant it. I'll deal.
A faint smile makes its way onto Stephen's face as he nuzzles Jon's neck, reminding Jon once more why he's putting up with all this in the first place. Trying to draw as much strength as he can from that smile, he pulls Stephen into a kiss....
"A-ha!"
Jon springs away from Stephen's lips to find a six-year-old standing in the doorway, clutching a sticky and purple-stained towel. One of Stephen's nieces, Denise or Danielle or something. "I'm tellin'!" she proclaims, dropping the towel and bolting, the triumphant shout unfurling in her wake: "Gran'pa! Uncle Stephen an' his girlfriend are K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
Stephen pales. "We're so dead."
Strawberry Pajamas
Their relationship dynamic here is a big thorny mess. Stephen is basically using Jon as a stepping-stone to embracing his own gayness, since he can still present as straight without hiding the relationship altogether. Jon, meanwhile, isn't actually sure where Stephen sees him on the continuum between "a man who presents as female in public" and "a woman who roleplays as male in the bedroom". But he counts himself lucky to have found someone who accepts that duality in the first place - who is neither pushing him to come out to the world, nor insisting on wink-wink-nudge-nudge allusions to his female-bodied-ness during sex - and he isn't sure how much more he's entitled to demand, or, for that matter, whether it will all fall apart if he tries. SO. Mutual use, mutual confusion, overlapping closets, tangled feelings...but still, the possibility of a happy ending lurking somewhere in the distance.
Here's the path!
They're in a new town, to which they have moved after graduating (and ending their financial dependence on their parents in the process). Jon gets on hormones. Stephen's carefully-constructed mental scaffolding, which involves strenuously Not Thinking About many facets of their relationship, starts to fall apart as (a) Jon gets more blatantly masculine, increasingly read as male by the average pedestrian, and (b) Stephen finds this more and more appealing. Jon finally gets up the nerve and/or desperation to confront Stephen with the You Know I'm Seriously A Dude, Right? talk. Stephen has his go-to reaction when confronted with something like this: Deny Everything.
Temporary breakup! Jon practices hitting on people who react to him as male, but does not have the nerve to bring any of them home and out himself as trans. Stephen swings from rage to despondency, finally coming to the realization that if coming out of the closet (to himself and to the world) is the price of being with Jon, then it's one he's willing to pay. So one night, when Jon is in a bar flirting with some fetching young lady, Stephen comes up and gets in the way. Fetching Young Lady: "Look, what are you doing here, anyway?" Stephen: "He's my boyfriend." FYL: "...Ohhhh. Whoa, hey, look at the time! It's Find An Actual Straight Man O'Clock. Gotta run."
Jon is momentarily angry ("I'm not your—"), then registers Stephen's choice of pronouns. Stephen begins attempt at deeply moving confession/apology. Jon cuts him short with OH THANK GOD BECAUSE STEPHEN THESE *HORMONES* YOU HAVE *NO IDEA* I AM GETTING TURNED ON BY *BABY CARROTS* IF WE ARE NOT ON A BED IN TEN MINUTES I WILL FUCK YOU HERE IN THE STREET I SWEAR.
They do in fact make it, and they proceed to have a spree of really hot sex, during which Jon is confident and aggressive and both of them are elated and Stephen says "yes, sir" a lot.
Curtain!
[Postscript: As for the FYL, ten minutes later she meets this charming young gentleman who has the bonus of being a mysterious foreigner (shut up, Canada totally counts as foreign), and not only is he very much into women, but his girlfriend is a sexy redhead, and they take her home and give her wonderful sex and she doesn't give the skinny gay boy with the squeaky voice another thought.]