Erin Ptah (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ptahrrific) wrote2008-10-18 10:34 am
ptahrrific) wrote2008-10-18 10:34 am
Entry tags:
Fake News: See The Little Unicorn There
Title: See The Little Unicorn There
Series: TDS/TCR
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Fatal diseases, angsty!"Stephen", some ambiguity.
Disclaimer: Two.
For the Report characters: They and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and of course Viacom. Not mine. Sue me not, please.
And for the real people, the poem:
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what's said here is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because we like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
We don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.
Summary: In an interview, Ed Helms once sang a song about seeing a unicorn. On his 5/17/07 episode, Stephen referred to a unicorn of his own. In 2005, while both were correspondents on The Daily Show, New York City clinics introduced on-site, rapid HIV testing using an oral fluid test.
Aaaaaand scene!
Mirror on the AO3.
See The Little Unicorn There
"I did."
"Dude. You did not."
"I totally did."
"There is no way," said Rob, "that you saw a unicorn. One, it's impossible. B, it isn't true. And finally, how would a unicorn get to New York in the first place?"
Ed stubbornly refused to yield to this ironclad logic. "I don't know how he did it, but that doesn't matter, because he did."
"What would a unicorn be doing in New York, anyway?"
"This one was eating," said Ed.
"Eating?"
"And then he pranced for a bit."
"What was it eating?"
"I don't know! Unicorn food! I didn't get that close!"
"A-ha!" cried Rob triumphantly. "If you didn't get that close, how do you know it was a unicorn?"
"God!" shrieked Stephen over both of them. "Will you two shut up?"
The issue of the unicorn's existence was temporarily forgotten as Rob and Ed turned on a common enemy. "Dude, if you don't want to hear it—" began Rob.
"—then get out of our office!" finished Ed. "What are you doing here, anyway?"
"Someone," replied Stephen icily, "has taken my favorite flag pin. I'm not resting until I find it."
"Is that it on your lapel?" asked Ed.
"No," said Stephen with long-suffering patience, "this is my second favorite flag pin. My favorite flag pin has gone missing. And don't think you're above suspicion just because you don't love America."
"Hey!" shouted Rob. "I love America very much! If I could, I would take America out to dinner, and later that night, if America was up for it, I would totally do America!"
Ed coughed loudly.
At the sound, Stephen turned white. "Keep your germs away from me!" he yelped, stumbling back towards the door.
An evil smirk crossed Ed's face. Standing, he took a few steps towards Stephen and deliberately hacked a few times.
"I'll come back when it's safe!" declared Stephen frantically, then turned tail and ran.
"I bet it was an albino deer," said Rob when he was gone, as though the conversation had never been interrupted.
"It was a unicorn! I'm telling you!"
"Dude, don't knock it! An albino deer would be awesome."
Stephen didn't stop running until he had crashed into the nearest bathroom and skidded to a stop in front of a sink, where he turned on the water and began scrubbing at his hands for the seventh time that day.
He had read somewhere that washing your hands was a good way to avoid getting sick. Normally Stephen didn't pay much attention to things you have to read, but these days he was willing to try anything.
When his hands had been scoured so thoroughly that the skin glowed pink, the man in the mirror still looked frightened.
Stephen had been avoiding mirrors recently.
Since he couldn't avoid this one, he glared at it. "Shake it off, Col-bert."
"I can't!" cried his reflection. "I practically have a heart attack every time someone sneezes. At this rate it'll be the stress that kills me, not the—"
"Shut up!" hissed Stephen. "Except for that one thing, you are a perfectly healthy strong young American man."
"That's an awfully big 'except'," protested the man in the mirror. "And, come on, you know they make drugs for it! Why can't I get some of those, huh?"
"Because that would mean telling," Stephen snapped, "and you are not telling anyone. Deal with it!"
"But I don't deserve this!" his reflection whined. "One time! I only let it happen one time! And now I have this thing in me, living, growing, and I'm going to have to deal with it for the rest of my life? It isn't fair!"
"Well, now you know how it feels to be a woman," said Stephen firmly. "That's what you get for acting like one."
He walked away from the mirror without waiting for a reply.
A few days after the frantic flag pin hunt, Ed was alone in his office when Stephen appeared at the door.
"Now what do you want?" he demanded. "Your stupid pin was in Jon's office. Makes perfect sense, given how much time you spend in there yelling at him. What are you doing here?"
"Did you really see a unicorn?" asked Stephen.
For a moment Ed was completely thrown. Had the man actually been listening to him?
"Um," he said. "I mean, yes! Yes, I did."
"What was it like?"
"If you just want to laugh at me, you can go away," said Ed cagily. "Rob's done enough of that already."
"No, no, I really mean it," said Stephen. (Ed wasn't totally convinced, but the fact that Stephen wasn't shouting was so weird that he was too intrigued to kick the man out.) "What did it look like? How close did you get?"
"Well, uh, he basically looked like a horse," began Ed. "And he was all white, and sort of glowing. I didn't get that close, being as how they only come near virgins and I am so not a virgin, but I could definitely see the horn. This was a serious horn. I'm talking two feet long, big and shiny and pointy. You really wouldn't want to get impaled with this thing. Or, I don't know," he added, winking, "maybe you would."
"I wouldn't," said Stephen sharply.
"Sure you wouldn't. Anyway, there were a bunch of trees in front of him, but he pranced along for a while, this incredibly elegant unicorn prance, and every once in a while he stopped to eat."
"What did it . . . he . . . eat? All the leaves are down."
"How should I know what unicorns eat? Roots, I guess. Or berries. They could eat moonlight and snow for all I know."
"But you're sure he was a unicorn."
"Positive."
"And this was just a couple of days ago? Have you seen any since?"
"Nope. Haven't been looking. This magnificent creature deserves to live in peace, without having to worry about people chasing him."
"Where was this?" asked Stephen. "And can you take me there?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" exclaimed Ed. "What did I just say?"
"You know, they say if you grind up a unicorn's horn, you get the most powerful aphrodisiac ever."
". . . is tonight good for you?"
"Can't you hurry up? It's cold out here!"
"I'm not an expert unicorn-finder! I'm doing the best I can! Stop griping!"
Boots cracking on frozen twigs, the two men trudged through the forest. Ed had forgotten to bring gloves, so his palms spent most of their time cupped over his mouth or stuffed into pockets.
Stephen had remembered gloves, a scarf, a hat, earmuffs, and, though this wasn't obvious at a glance, long underwear. Whatever else happened tonight, he was not going to catch a cold.
"Okay," said Ed at last, "this is pretty close. See that big tree that branches in two practically at the base of the trunk? I was standing right next to it when . . ."
Letting out a strangled squeak, Stephen pointed. Ed's voice tapered off and faded into the night.
Not fifty feet away from them was a figure, pale and horse-shaped, illuminated by a fairy-tale shaft of moonlight.
"We should split up," stammered Stephen at last. "There's no way he'll get near me. I've obviously had hundreds of girlfriends."
"Yeah," said Ed breathlessly. "Yeah, sure."
Step by step they moved apart, keeping the white figure in sight.
When the unicorn moved, Ed froze. Sure enough, the creature pranced in place for a moment, then took a few cautious steps.
Ed scooted away from Stephen a bit more. The unicorn took another step, and another. So far, so good. He was definitely moving closer . . .
. . . to Stephen.
No, no, that couldn't be right. It had to be a trick of perspective, or something to do with the trees. But sure enough, as Ed kept walking backwards, the shining white creature kept advancing on the dark little figure that the shadows had made of his co-worker.
This wasn't what they had planned for, but it could still work out. Ed moved back until he could barely pick out the other man among the trees. To his great relief, he didn't have to go any farther before the unicorn trotted right up to Stephen, prancing in place in front of him.
Stephen began to speak. Ed couldn't make out any words in the low mumble that reached his ears. There was something hypnotic about it; the moment seemed to stretch on much longer than it had any right to . . .
A breath of chill wind blew past him, carrying with it a sound that could have been either a whicker or the tinkle of bells.
And then the unicorn was off, darting between the trees like a flash of lightning.
Ed ran back to Stephen as fast as he could, boots thudding heavily against the dirt. The horn had gotten away, but this discovery more than made up for it. "Dude, you're a virgin? Oh, man, I can't wait to tell Sam and the guys. You are never going to live this one down! You—"
He broke off as he got close enough to make out Stephen's expression. The other man was staring after the unicorn in unrestrained wonder, tear tracks glinting faintly on his cheeks.
"What happened?" demanded Ed. "What did he . . ."
"Her name," said Stephen quietly, "is Starbeam."
Stephen flipped through the papers without looking too closely at the words. If results are positive something something required to provide information to the State of New York blah blah blah. He found the line at the end and signed it, using a different false name than he had the first time. That fake I.D. collection was coming in handy.
"Come on in, sugar," said the attendant when she had looked the papers over. Although Stephen didn't see race, he suspected she might be black. She had soul. "We're going to take just a drop of blood. If the results are positive, we'll provide you with information on how to protect your health and where you can find support. You all right?"
"Last time—I mean, I heard someone say you could do this test on spit," protested Stephen, following her into the booth. "How come you're taking blood now?"
"The oral fluid tests started giving us more false positives than we expected," the attendant replied. "They've been suspended for a little while so we can figure out what's going on."
"Are you sure about this?" asked Stephen as he took a seat. "I mean . . . is it safe for you?"
"Well, aren't you sweet! Don't you worry. I'll be fine."
Stephen made no more protest as the attendant pricked his finger and with gloved hands stirred a drop of blood into a little vial of blue stuff. "There," she said at last. "Now, you're going to have to wait about twenty minutes for the results. Did you bring anyone here with you?"
"No. I . . . no."
"Would you like me to wait with you? Or would you rather do this alone?"
Stephen thought about it.
"I'll be okay alone," he said. "But . . . could I please have a mirror?"
Series: TDS/TCR
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Fatal diseases, angsty!"Stephen", some ambiguity.
Disclaimer: Two.
For the Report characters: They and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and of course Viacom. Not mine. Sue me not, please.
And for the real people, the poem:
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what's said here is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because we like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
We don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.
Summary: In an interview, Ed Helms once sang a song about seeing a unicorn. On his 5/17/07 episode, Stephen referred to a unicorn of his own. In 2005, while both were correspondents on The Daily Show, New York City clinics introduced on-site, rapid HIV testing using an oral fluid test.
Aaaaaand scene!
Mirror on the AO3.
See The Little Unicorn There
"I did."
"Dude. You did not."
"I totally did."
"There is no way," said Rob, "that you saw a unicorn. One, it's impossible. B, it isn't true. And finally, how would a unicorn get to New York in the first place?"
Ed stubbornly refused to yield to this ironclad logic. "I don't know how he did it, but that doesn't matter, because he did."
"What would a unicorn be doing in New York, anyway?"
"This one was eating," said Ed.
"Eating?"
"And then he pranced for a bit."
"What was it eating?"
"I don't know! Unicorn food! I didn't get that close!"
"A-ha!" cried Rob triumphantly. "If you didn't get that close, how do you know it was a unicorn?"
"God!" shrieked Stephen over both of them. "Will you two shut up?"
The issue of the unicorn's existence was temporarily forgotten as Rob and Ed turned on a common enemy. "Dude, if you don't want to hear it—" began Rob.
"—then get out of our office!" finished Ed. "What are you doing here, anyway?"
"Someone," replied Stephen icily, "has taken my favorite flag pin. I'm not resting until I find it."
"Is that it on your lapel?" asked Ed.
"No," said Stephen with long-suffering patience, "this is my second favorite flag pin. My favorite flag pin has gone missing. And don't think you're above suspicion just because you don't love America."
"Hey!" shouted Rob. "I love America very much! If I could, I would take America out to dinner, and later that night, if America was up for it, I would totally do America!"
Ed coughed loudly.
At the sound, Stephen turned white. "Keep your germs away from me!" he yelped, stumbling back towards the door.
An evil smirk crossed Ed's face. Standing, he took a few steps towards Stephen and deliberately hacked a few times.
"I'll come back when it's safe!" declared Stephen frantically, then turned tail and ran.
"I bet it was an albino deer," said Rob when he was gone, as though the conversation had never been interrupted.
"It was a unicorn! I'm telling you!"
"Dude, don't knock it! An albino deer would be awesome."
Stephen didn't stop running until he had crashed into the nearest bathroom and skidded to a stop in front of a sink, where he turned on the water and began scrubbing at his hands for the seventh time that day.
He had read somewhere that washing your hands was a good way to avoid getting sick. Normally Stephen didn't pay much attention to things you have to read, but these days he was willing to try anything.
When his hands had been scoured so thoroughly that the skin glowed pink, the man in the mirror still looked frightened.
Stephen had been avoiding mirrors recently.
Since he couldn't avoid this one, he glared at it. "Shake it off, Col-bert."
"I can't!" cried his reflection. "I practically have a heart attack every time someone sneezes. At this rate it'll be the stress that kills me, not the—"
"Shut up!" hissed Stephen. "Except for that one thing, you are a perfectly healthy strong young American man."
"That's an awfully big 'except'," protested the man in the mirror. "And, come on, you know they make drugs for it! Why can't I get some of those, huh?"
"Because that would mean telling," Stephen snapped, "and you are not telling anyone. Deal with it!"
"But I don't deserve this!" his reflection whined. "One time! I only let it happen one time! And now I have this thing in me, living, growing, and I'm going to have to deal with it for the rest of my life? It isn't fair!"
"Well, now you know how it feels to be a woman," said Stephen firmly. "That's what you get for acting like one."
He walked away from the mirror without waiting for a reply.
A few days after the frantic flag pin hunt, Ed was alone in his office when Stephen appeared at the door.
"Now what do you want?" he demanded. "Your stupid pin was in Jon's office. Makes perfect sense, given how much time you spend in there yelling at him. What are you doing here?"
"Did you really see a unicorn?" asked Stephen.
For a moment Ed was completely thrown. Had the man actually been listening to him?
"Um," he said. "I mean, yes! Yes, I did."
"What was it like?"
"If you just want to laugh at me, you can go away," said Ed cagily. "Rob's done enough of that already."
"No, no, I really mean it," said Stephen. (Ed wasn't totally convinced, but the fact that Stephen wasn't shouting was so weird that he was too intrigued to kick the man out.) "What did it look like? How close did you get?"
"Well, uh, he basically looked like a horse," began Ed. "And he was all white, and sort of glowing. I didn't get that close, being as how they only come near virgins and I am so not a virgin, but I could definitely see the horn. This was a serious horn. I'm talking two feet long, big and shiny and pointy. You really wouldn't want to get impaled with this thing. Or, I don't know," he added, winking, "maybe you would."
"I wouldn't," said Stephen sharply.
"Sure you wouldn't. Anyway, there were a bunch of trees in front of him, but he pranced along for a while, this incredibly elegant unicorn prance, and every once in a while he stopped to eat."
"What did it . . . he . . . eat? All the leaves are down."
"How should I know what unicorns eat? Roots, I guess. Or berries. They could eat moonlight and snow for all I know."
"But you're sure he was a unicorn."
"Positive."
"And this was just a couple of days ago? Have you seen any since?"
"Nope. Haven't been looking. This magnificent creature deserves to live in peace, without having to worry about people chasing him."
"Where was this?" asked Stephen. "And can you take me there?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" exclaimed Ed. "What did I just say?"
"You know, they say if you grind up a unicorn's horn, you get the most powerful aphrodisiac ever."
". . . is tonight good for you?"
"Can't you hurry up? It's cold out here!"
"I'm not an expert unicorn-finder! I'm doing the best I can! Stop griping!"
Boots cracking on frozen twigs, the two men trudged through the forest. Ed had forgotten to bring gloves, so his palms spent most of their time cupped over his mouth or stuffed into pockets.
Stephen had remembered gloves, a scarf, a hat, earmuffs, and, though this wasn't obvious at a glance, long underwear. Whatever else happened tonight, he was not going to catch a cold.
"Okay," said Ed at last, "this is pretty close. See that big tree that branches in two practically at the base of the trunk? I was standing right next to it when . . ."
Letting out a strangled squeak, Stephen pointed. Ed's voice tapered off and faded into the night.
Not fifty feet away from them was a figure, pale and horse-shaped, illuminated by a fairy-tale shaft of moonlight.
"We should split up," stammered Stephen at last. "There's no way he'll get near me. I've obviously had hundreds of girlfriends."
"Yeah," said Ed breathlessly. "Yeah, sure."
Step by step they moved apart, keeping the white figure in sight.
When the unicorn moved, Ed froze. Sure enough, the creature pranced in place for a moment, then took a few cautious steps.
Ed scooted away from Stephen a bit more. The unicorn took another step, and another. So far, so good. He was definitely moving closer . . .
. . . to Stephen.
No, no, that couldn't be right. It had to be a trick of perspective, or something to do with the trees. But sure enough, as Ed kept walking backwards, the shining white creature kept advancing on the dark little figure that the shadows had made of his co-worker.
This wasn't what they had planned for, but it could still work out. Ed moved back until he could barely pick out the other man among the trees. To his great relief, he didn't have to go any farther before the unicorn trotted right up to Stephen, prancing in place in front of him.
Stephen began to speak. Ed couldn't make out any words in the low mumble that reached his ears. There was something hypnotic about it; the moment seemed to stretch on much longer than it had any right to . . .
A breath of chill wind blew past him, carrying with it a sound that could have been either a whicker or the tinkle of bells.
And then the unicorn was off, darting between the trees like a flash of lightning.
Ed ran back to Stephen as fast as he could, boots thudding heavily against the dirt. The horn had gotten away, but this discovery more than made up for it. "Dude, you're a virgin? Oh, man, I can't wait to tell Sam and the guys. You are never going to live this one down! You—"
He broke off as he got close enough to make out Stephen's expression. The other man was staring after the unicorn in unrestrained wonder, tear tracks glinting faintly on his cheeks.
"What happened?" demanded Ed. "What did he . . ."
"Her name," said Stephen quietly, "is Starbeam."
Stephen flipped through the papers without looking too closely at the words. If results are positive something something required to provide information to the State of New York blah blah blah. He found the line at the end and signed it, using a different false name than he had the first time. That fake I.D. collection was coming in handy.
"Come on in, sugar," said the attendant when she had looked the papers over. Although Stephen didn't see race, he suspected she might be black. She had soul. "We're going to take just a drop of blood. If the results are positive, we'll provide you with information on how to protect your health and where you can find support. You all right?"
"Last time—I mean, I heard someone say you could do this test on spit," protested Stephen, following her into the booth. "How come you're taking blood now?"
"The oral fluid tests started giving us more false positives than we expected," the attendant replied. "They've been suspended for a little while so we can figure out what's going on."
"Are you sure about this?" asked Stephen as he took a seat. "I mean . . . is it safe for you?"
"Well, aren't you sweet! Don't you worry. I'll be fine."
Stephen made no more protest as the attendant pricked his finger and with gloved hands stirred a drop of blood into a little vial of blue stuff. "There," she said at last. "Now, you're going to have to wait about twenty minutes for the results. Did you bring anyone here with you?"
"No. I . . . no."
"Would you like me to wait with you? Or would you rather do this alone?"
Stephen thought about it.
"I'll be okay alone," he said. "But . . . could I please have a mirror?"
no subject
I love Rob and Ed in the beginning. Especially:
"Hey!" shouted Rob. "I love America very much! If I could, I would take America out to dinner, and later that night, if America was up for it, I would totally do America!"
*snerk* Win.
Psst...that second link goes to Stephen talking about guns and small children, not unicorns. Wrong link, perhaps?
no subject
Thanks!
Whoops! Here's the right one, thanks!
no subject
As for the unicorn... Is it an innocence thing? I keep thinking about Stevie. I was googling 'virgin' because I remembered something about it getting translated wrong, and one of the sites points out that an alternative meaning for "virgin" is uncorrupted, like virgin snow. Obviously Stephen's not a virgin in the noun sense.
BTW, the Starbeam clip is this one. Same episode, earlier clip. The baby gun thing was fun, though, not seen that before!
no subject
I didn't want to try to put this all in the fic, but yes, it's a Stevie thing. Part of Stephen is very much innocent. Also, virgin or no, he was at a point where he really needed some healing. Apparently Starbeam picked up on that.
Ack, fixed. Thanks!
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This was so wonderful. I loved your Rob, he made me crack up...and then Stephen's exchange in the bathroom broke my heart...you really need to stop doing that. I need my heart...for pumping blood and stuff. x_x
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Thanks!
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Thank you!
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I don't know how, but this was funny and sweet, and sad, and heart-warming all at the same time. Everyone was brilliantly in character- although that's a given, coming from you :)
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.. and now that I'm done sounding like a book reviewer: SQUEEEEE. Rob and Ed and TDS!Stephen! *squishes them*
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Thank you!
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in the midst of an awesome serious story, this line made me laugh out loud.
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