Erin Ptah (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ptahrrific) wrote2012-12-18 11:27 pm
ptahrrific) wrote2012-12-18 11:27 pm
Entry tags:
Madoka Magica | Homura, Madoka, Sayaka | PG-13 | Persephone's Waltz (11)
Title: Persephone's Waltz, Chapter 11: I bet you think that's really wonderful!
Characters/Pairings: Homura, Madoka, Sayaka, (skip) some Homulilly, Kyuubei
Rating: R
Disclaimer/Warnings: See table of contents.
Homura is not happy. And it's about time for Sayaka's regularly scheduled breakdown.
***
April 16
(Continued)
She was alive.
Madoka had watched her die. Had seen the light dull in her violet eyes as the blood poured from her jugular vein. The stain of it was still on the floor, on Sayaka's sleeves, down the front of the white-and-purple uniform.
But Akemi Homura was alive, the skin on her throat raw and scabbing but no longer torn open, and aiming a handgun at the back of Sayaka's head. Her eyes were wide and staring, her breath ragged, though her gun arm was still as a rock. Dried blood spilled down her uniform, turning her violet collar black and her off-white bodice dark red.
"Please don't," repeated Madoka, so deep in shock that it left her voice hoarse and faint. "Put it away. Akemi-san, put it away!"
Sayaka twisted her body until she could stare down the barrel. Her jaw was set, lips trembling; she was furious as much as terrified, and in that moment Madoka adored her, would have done anything for her.
"Never should have brought her," hissed Homura. The purple gem on her hand was glowing with a pulse like a heartbeat, but there were impurities in it now, strange black flecks and whorls that blocked a third of the light while breaking the rest into discrete and shifting patterns. "Danger she's a danger should have known it. Should have killed her straight away."
"She isn't!" cried Madoka, improvising in a blind panic. There was a roaring in her ears, like sand being sifted at the beach. "It — it was my idea!"
Homura's eyes widened. In the dim room her pupils were huge and black. "As if my precious Madoka could think of such a thing."
"You want to kill me?" demanded Sayaka. She must have been as dizzy as Madoka, but she was getting to her feet with slow, deliberate movements that looked more confident than cautious. "Go ahead! Try it! And good luck getting your precious Madoka to ever forgive you if you do."
The boxy room was darker than it had any right to be; the light didn't seem able to reach the corners, as if the shadows had a life of their own. "I care about her safety not her feelings," snarled Homura. "It's not a thing your kind could understand."
"All right!" croaked Madoka, forcing herself up on her elbows. "You're right. It was Sayaka's plan. I d-didn't even know. But—!"
There couldn't be...wind? But Homura's hair was gently drifting in something. "Monster," she hissed at Sayaka.
"But if you kill her — I — I'll kill myself!"
"No!" cried Sayaka.
Homura sucked in a breath. "You would never you could never."
"I could! Even if take away all the knives and sheets and watch me every second!" Madoka swung her legs over the edge of the bed. "If you don't think I would do anything to protect my — my best friend — then you don't know me at all!"
She must have been queasy still — or maybe the floor had gone suddenly off-balance. The rushing in her head was a full cacophany now: an antique record being scratched, some kind of bells being thrown about in the wind. An earthquake outside? But no, it was everywhere....And it was so dark, the overhead light bulb a dim afterimage of itself, Homura's gem the one truly bright spot in the room....
"You can't," repeated Homura. Not unhinged and ruthless anymore, not the battle-hardened puella magi old before her time — her voice had switched into the shy and timid persona from their first meeting. "You can't not now you can't."
Sayaka's gasp carried through the clamor. "I'm sorry, Madoka-chan," she whispered; Homura didn't react, or maybe didn't hear. "I'm so sorry. I was such an idiot...."
The realization hit Madoka like a brick to the head. The distant sound of bells was the background tune from battles in Kaguya Super Contract Z.
"It's okay!" she cried, stumbling forward. No time to think of something clever; she had to go with her intuition, and pray she could reach the terrified Homura where the crazy one was shut down tight. "Homura-chan, it's okay! You can still protect me!"
Homura's head tilted at an unnatural angle, staring at her, or maybe through her. "Madoka...chan...?" she asked, near tears.
"That's right!" said Madoka, trying to sound encouraging. "And you're doing a great job so far! All you need to do is go upstairs without killing Sayaka-chan!" Or me.
"And you'll be protected?" asked Homura, like a lost child.
"First you have to...to do the thing...." Madoka looked to Sayaka for help, but she was lost in a reverie of her own. "You have to clean up your Soul Gem! Just like you usually do. Then I'll be protected."
"You promise?"
She was close enough to embrace Homura now, would have done it if Homura's finger hadn't been curled around that trigger. "I promise!"
The floor was going level again. The frenzied swirling in Homura's purple stone had died down; the distant cacophony was beginning to recede.
"I promise," repeated Madoka. The words Homura had used since the beginning, when announcing something on which she would never, without fail, let Madoka down.
Homura took one step back, then another. The gun began to sink toward the ground.
Madoka held her breath, hoping Sayaka wouldn't decide this was a great time to leap for it, praying her friend would avoid picking a fight just this once. She didn't need to worry. Sayaka's distraction was complete.
The light began to return.
"Because you would have made my Madoka a murderer's accomplice," hissed Homura, and Madoka's eardrums were deafened with the shot.
***
It doesn't hurt as much as Sayaka thought it would.
In fact, if she's careful not to think about it in the first place, it doesn't hurt at all.
***
The blank smile on Sayaka's face as she walked herself to the bathroom, unfazed by the gaping hole in her shin, scared Madoka more than anything else that day.
It was bright again, the two girls on their own once more, though the stench of Homura's death was still thick in the air. Madoka felt queasy as she lurked in the doorway between the two rooms, holding the first-aid kit and an armful of cotton nightshirt to supplement the bandages. "It really doesn't hurt?" she stammered. "You d-don't need any help?"
"I don't!" Water from the shower head flowed over Sayaka's leg, coming off bright red as she pressed the wound closed with both hands. "It's great that puella magi have this ability, isn't it? It's so great."
Madoka averted her eyes, unable to put the wrongness she felt into words. So many times Sayaka had put on a brave face to keep Madoka from worrying, but it had never been like this. Like the ordinary, frightened, wonderful human under the smiling outer shell had been scraped clean away.
"G-great," she agreed.
There was blood streaked on the floor between them. It was going to take the rest of their soap to scrub it up. Madoka wanted to start right away, but she still wasn't convinced Sayaka wasn't moments from going grey in the face and sliding to the floor.
While Sayaka was securing the ace bandage around the last of their sterile gauze and a thick layer of nightshirt, Madoka added, "And it's g-good you didn't kill Homura after all! Right?" (Sayaka twitched, shoulders stiffening.) "That is, uh...I don't mean I'm glad she shot you, or anything! But that h-her death isn't on your conscience, that's...."
"A failure," said Sayaka shortly.
"Sayaka-chan...!"
"Don't be naïve, Madoka! Don't you have any idea what almost happened there?"
"I...have a guess," admitted Madoka.
"Akemi was about to turn into a witch!" cried Sayaka, as if she'd known all along, as if she hadn't put it together in almost the same moment Madoka had. "You don't know the kind of monsters they are, but I do. She would have devoured us both, then gone on to sap the good feelings of anyone in the neighborhood she could reach!"
"But she didn't! Isn't that a good thing?"
"It would have been better if I'd killed her before she got the chance!"
One day, Madoka was going to run fresh out of tears. Today was not that day. "I don't want her killed at all! I don't want anybody killed!"
"That's why I did it — so you wouldn't have to! You should be grateful! Don't you understand? It's because I love you that I'm—"
"You don't love me!"
That got Sayaka's attention. Cold blue eyes fixed on Madoka. "How can you say that?"
"Because it's true!" Madoka all but sobbed. "You don't love me. You love — how I make you feel. Like a hero. Like the strongest person in the room. Homura thought you wished to help Kamijou-san because you would have, wouldn't you? Until she interfered...until you could turn your savior complex on someone even more helpless than he was!"
"It — it isn't like that!" cried Sayaka. The eerie singleminded fury was gone; she was shaking.
"All I needed was for you to be with me," countered Madoka. "And to find us a way out, if you could. But that wasn't dramatic enough for you, was it? You had to go without sleep, and hide your sprained ankle, and act like you couldn't let yourself kiss me even though there was no good reason for it, and when all that didn't work you had to stab someone! I bet you love it that you got shot. You get to act brave, and I have to make a fuss over you...I bet you think that's really wonderful!"
The shocked silence told her all she needed to know.
Madoka stepped back, one hand on the knob of the narrow door. It wouldn't lock, but it did shut. "I'm g-going to go change," she said thickly, and closed it between them.
***
It doesn't hurt at all.
It can't hurt. With all the people in the world who have it worse, she has no right to be in pain. Not someone as worthless as her.
She can't let it hurt.
She can't....
***
Even with her discarded clothes piled over the largest of the bloodstains, Madoka couldn't pretend the room was normal.
She lay curled up on the bed in a loose T-shirt and shorts, twintails undone and falling loose across the pillow. The top sheet had been tossed on the floor, along with one of the stuffed rabbits, which had ended up with stains on its tummy and feet. At least the other plushies were okay. Though Panda-san was starting to get a bit threadbare from all the cuddling.
She wanted her mother.
Her guiding inner Mama-voice had faded, and of course her inner Sayaka had been overwritten by the genuine article. Her brilliant, beloved, self-destructing Sayaka-chan....
—Do you want to help your friend, Kaname Madoka?—
Madoka squeaked and nearly throttled Panda-san.
There had been a voice. In her head. Not one of her upbeat self-talk voices, but a cute, boyish, stranger's voice. I'm going crazy too.
—You are not displaying any of your culture's designated symptoms of insanity,— the mystery voice informed her. —Is that comforting? I always have difficulty understanding how human emotions work.—
Who ARE you? demanded Madoka. If this was a hallucination, she might as well go along with it. At least it would pass the time. And what do you want?
—I want whatever you want, Madoka,— replied the stranger cheerfully. —That is to say, I want to grant you a wish. I say 'grant', but really it's your own power that I'm unlocking. You could help your friend, or anything else, if there's something you desire more.—
Something she desired....
To help Sayaka. But there was Homura too, and Madoka wanted to help her, to reach what's left inside her of a normal human being. Could she make a multi-part wish? If so, why not heal Kamijou-kun too? Why not heal every hurt person in the world, while she was at it? But if that could be done, wouldn't some other girl have done it already? Madoka wasn't stupid, but she didn't think she was the cleverest girl in the world, either.
And what about her imprisonment? What about her family? She could help them, and Sayaka too, by wishing this whole thing had never happened...okay, then, so how to stop Homura from starting it again? Maybe if she wished away Walpurgis Night, so Homura wouldn't have to worry....
But Homura wasn't just protecting her from Walpurgis Night. Homura was also worried about wishes.
You're the Incubator, thought Madoka. As if she hadn't, in the back of her heart, already known.
—Most humans in this time and region call me Kyuubei,— said the Incubator. —I can see that you already know something of puella——
Silence. Or whatever you called it when telepathy abruptly cut off.
Are you still there? thought Madoka. Incubator? Kyuubei!
She "called" and listened for a minute or so longer, with no results. Either the Incubator had been a delusion after all, or it had chosen a bad time to come to a messy end.
***
...it hurts.
Her head is full of knives like sharpened steel. There's blood on her hands that won't go away even when she closes her eyes.
There's nothing left for her to do but die.
She can't go on like this. She's risking harm to Madoka — the only thing she has no right to risk — and Madoka was willing just today to throw her life upon the line to save her friend, what kind of coward wouldn't dare repay in kind—
She has to die before—
***
Maybe it was cowardice that stopped her, after all.
Maybe the image of Madoka crying out that wasn't dramatic enough for you, was it? was a convenient excuse, a flimsy shroud for her inability to do the noble, heroic thing in the end.
It wasn't a decision. You can't use a word as strong as deciding for someone sunk so far into the depths that she could barely think, let alone act.
All it was was a hollow girl drifting forward by one step, and then another.
***
"It isn't wonderful."
Madoka sat up straight, messy hair falling across her face. She hadn't heard the door open. Hadn't heard Sayaka crying, either, but Sayaka's voice was hoarse and raw, as if she'd packed an hour of sobbing into the past fifteen minutes.
"I'm not wonderful," continued Sayaka faintly. Her head was bowed, eyes dull; she hugged herself with no passion, as if she was a doll that had been stitched that way. "I don't even know how to be good enough."
Madoka patted the bed beside her. "Sayaka-chan...come sit down, okay?"
Sayaka trudged across the dingy room. Every bit of blood spattered across the floor gave her a moment's pause, as if she couldn't figure out how to get around it.
When at last she sank into the mattress at Madoka's side, Madoka thought about embracing her, or giving her Panda-san to cuddle, or saying something — any one of a hundred different things. Instead she held the toy in her own lap and rested one hand silently on Sayaka's back, the low-bent curve of her spine.
"You act...like I'm showing off how brave I am," began Sayaka at last. "I'm not brave. If you knew...if you could see...when Mami-san first told me about magical girls, and witches, I hesitated. Put it off for more than a week, did you know that? Not because I was planning the smartest wish or anything honest like that. I was scared."
"Anyone would be," said Madoka softly. Wouldn't they?
"We thought one of those monsters had killed you!" cried Sayaka. "I was going to let the creatures that murdered my best friend run wild. Let them keep on killing. Not do a single thing about it."
Madoka swallowed hard, but didn't interrupt.
"And when I did try to think of a wish, I could see...We have it so easy. There are girls with cancer, girls in war zones, girls who are starving, who already know what kind of wish they would trade their lives to get. Why should someone like me...someone who has a happy life and doesn't even know how to appreciate it...get a chance like this? Of course I had to use it to help someone else." She choked. "And of course I thought about Kyousuke! There's not a day I don't think about — he was so good, he loved it so much, for him to lose the violin was the worst thing in the world—"
She was falling apart, hiccuping, tears rolling down her cheeks. Madoka bit down on her own trembling lip and rubbed her friend's back. "It wasn't your fault, Sayaka-chan. It wasn't anything to do with you."
"It should have been me!" shouted Sayaka. "What would I have lost? Softball? Texting? None of it comes close! And I could have saved him — I could have used my wish on him — if only I had known you were safe, that you weren't being locked up by some pervert — but I didn't, and now he's not just cursed to be disabled forever because of that drunk driver, he's cursed because I made the wrong call—"
"Sayaka...!"
Her friend talked right over the protests. "—and now I'm trapped in this prison! I can't fight witches from here. I might turn into a witch without ever having the chance to take out my share! All because I was stupid enough to wish to find you, but not to wish to get you safely home! I'm an idiot, I'm worthless as a puella magi, as a human I took everything for granted — so if there's anything I can do to help you, if it has even the smallest chance of working, of course I have to do it! If I don't, then what's the use of me existing?"
Madoka pulled her into an embrace then, arms tightening around her friend's body while Sayaka quaked and sobbed against hers.
"Don't," choked Sayaka, too wrung out to pull away but shaking her head all the same. "Don't, Madoka, you can't do this, Akemi's right, I'm a monster, don't deserve you."
"You're not a monster!" said Madoka, sure of it like she'd never been sure of anything in her life. "Remember what you said? Being locked up makes people not okay. I'm not okay! And you s-stabbed Akemi because you're not okay either, but once we're out of here we'll get better, and you'll be glad she didn't die, and then...."
"I tried to kill someone before!"
Madoka's lungs seized up in her chest.
"Or, or at least, I left him to die," sobbed Sayaka. "The box witch made people try to gas themselves, Hitomi and a whole bunch of others — Mami-san and I got them out after we killed the witch — she went back to get him, thought I missed him by accident, but I didn't. I didn't. It's the same as if I'd slit his throat myself."
It was impossible. She couldn't believe it. There had to be a reason.... "Sayaka...why would you do a thing like that...?"
"Because...because he said...." Sayaka was heavy in her arms, like an anchor, not holding her in place but sinking her. "You were on the news...he thought you were being molested. He approved."
Madoka felt sick.
Not, though, because of Sayaka.
Never because of you.
"I d-don't regret it," added Sayaka, forcing the words out. "Would do it again. Would cut his throat myself if I had the chance. That...that's the kind of love I have for you, Madoka. I understand if it disgusts you...if you hate it, can't accept it...but it's the only kind I have."
Madoka closed her eyes and rubbed Sayaka's back, holding her still.
The kind of love I have for you is....
"You scare me, Sayaka," she confessed, in a small voice. "But that's all, understand? I don't hate you. I can't...I could never...don't hide from me any more, okay?"
I want to know everything about you. Even if it's scary or sad...it's still a part of my precious Sayaka.
Characters/Pairings: Homura, Madoka, Sayaka, (skip) some Homulilly, Kyuubei
Rating: R
Disclaimer/Warnings: See table of contents.
Homura is not happy. And it's about time for Sayaka's regularly scheduled breakdown.
***
April 16
(Continued)
She was alive.
Madoka had watched her die. Had seen the light dull in her violet eyes as the blood poured from her jugular vein. The stain of it was still on the floor, on Sayaka's sleeves, down the front of the white-and-purple uniform.
But Akemi Homura was alive, the skin on her throat raw and scabbing but no longer torn open, and aiming a handgun at the back of Sayaka's head. Her eyes were wide and staring, her breath ragged, though her gun arm was still as a rock. Dried blood spilled down her uniform, turning her violet collar black and her off-white bodice dark red.
"Please don't," repeated Madoka, so deep in shock that it left her voice hoarse and faint. "Put it away. Akemi-san, put it away!"
Sayaka twisted her body until she could stare down the barrel. Her jaw was set, lips trembling; she was furious as much as terrified, and in that moment Madoka adored her, would have done anything for her.
"Never should have brought her," hissed Homura. The purple gem on her hand was glowing with a pulse like a heartbeat, but there were impurities in it now, strange black flecks and whorls that blocked a third of the light while breaking the rest into discrete and shifting patterns. "Danger she's a danger should have known it. Should have killed her straight away."
"She isn't!" cried Madoka, improvising in a blind panic. There was a roaring in her ears, like sand being sifted at the beach. "It — it was my idea!"
Homura's eyes widened. In the dim room her pupils were huge and black. "As if my precious Madoka could think of such a thing."
"You want to kill me?" demanded Sayaka. She must have been as dizzy as Madoka, but she was getting to her feet with slow, deliberate movements that looked more confident than cautious. "Go ahead! Try it! And good luck getting your precious Madoka to ever forgive you if you do."
The boxy room was darker than it had any right to be; the light didn't seem able to reach the corners, as if the shadows had a life of their own. "I care about her safety not her feelings," snarled Homura. "It's not a thing your kind could understand."
"All right!" croaked Madoka, forcing herself up on her elbows. "You're right. It was Sayaka's plan. I d-didn't even know. But—!"
There couldn't be...wind? But Homura's hair was gently drifting in something. "Monster," she hissed at Sayaka.
"But if you kill her — I — I'll kill myself!"
"No!" cried Sayaka.
Homura sucked in a breath. "You would never you could never."
"I could! Even if take away all the knives and sheets and watch me every second!" Madoka swung her legs over the edge of the bed. "If you don't think I would do anything to protect my — my best friend — then you don't know me at all!"
She must have been queasy still — or maybe the floor had gone suddenly off-balance. The rushing in her head was a full cacophany now: an antique record being scratched, some kind of bells being thrown about in the wind. An earthquake outside? But no, it was everywhere....And it was so dark, the overhead light bulb a dim afterimage of itself, Homura's gem the one truly bright spot in the room....
"You can't," repeated Homura. Not unhinged and ruthless anymore, not the battle-hardened puella magi old before her time — her voice had switched into the shy and timid persona from their first meeting. "You can't not now you can't."
Sayaka's gasp carried through the clamor. "I'm sorry, Madoka-chan," she whispered; Homura didn't react, or maybe didn't hear. "I'm so sorry. I was such an idiot...."
The realization hit Madoka like a brick to the head. The distant sound of bells was the background tune from battles in Kaguya Super Contract Z.
"It's okay!" she cried, stumbling forward. No time to think of something clever; she had to go with her intuition, and pray she could reach the terrified Homura where the crazy one was shut down tight. "Homura-chan, it's okay! You can still protect me!"
Homura's head tilted at an unnatural angle, staring at her, or maybe through her. "Madoka...chan...?" she asked, near tears.
"That's right!" said Madoka, trying to sound encouraging. "And you're doing a great job so far! All you need to do is go upstairs without killing Sayaka-chan!" Or me.
"And you'll be protected?" asked Homura, like a lost child.
"First you have to...to do the thing...." Madoka looked to Sayaka for help, but she was lost in a reverie of her own. "You have to clean up your Soul Gem! Just like you usually do. Then I'll be protected."
"You promise?"
She was close enough to embrace Homura now, would have done it if Homura's finger hadn't been curled around that trigger. "I promise!"
The floor was going level again. The frenzied swirling in Homura's purple stone had died down; the distant cacophony was beginning to recede.
"I promise," repeated Madoka. The words Homura had used since the beginning, when announcing something on which she would never, without fail, let Madoka down.
Homura took one step back, then another. The gun began to sink toward the ground.
Madoka held her breath, hoping Sayaka wouldn't decide this was a great time to leap for it, praying her friend would avoid picking a fight just this once. She didn't need to worry. Sayaka's distraction was complete.
The light began to return.
"Because you would have made my Madoka a murderer's accomplice," hissed Homura, and Madoka's eardrums were deafened with the shot.
***
It doesn't hurt as much as Sayaka thought it would.
In fact, if she's careful not to think about it in the first place, it doesn't hurt at all.
***
The blank smile on Sayaka's face as she walked herself to the bathroom, unfazed by the gaping hole in her shin, scared Madoka more than anything else that day.
It was bright again, the two girls on their own once more, though the stench of Homura's death was still thick in the air. Madoka felt queasy as she lurked in the doorway between the two rooms, holding the first-aid kit and an armful of cotton nightshirt to supplement the bandages. "It really doesn't hurt?" she stammered. "You d-don't need any help?"
"I don't!" Water from the shower head flowed over Sayaka's leg, coming off bright red as she pressed the wound closed with both hands. "It's great that puella magi have this ability, isn't it? It's so great."
Madoka averted her eyes, unable to put the wrongness she felt into words. So many times Sayaka had put on a brave face to keep Madoka from worrying, but it had never been like this. Like the ordinary, frightened, wonderful human under the smiling outer shell had been scraped clean away.
"G-great," she agreed.
There was blood streaked on the floor between them. It was going to take the rest of their soap to scrub it up. Madoka wanted to start right away, but she still wasn't convinced Sayaka wasn't moments from going grey in the face and sliding to the floor.
While Sayaka was securing the ace bandage around the last of their sterile gauze and a thick layer of nightshirt, Madoka added, "And it's g-good you didn't kill Homura after all! Right?" (Sayaka twitched, shoulders stiffening.) "That is, uh...I don't mean I'm glad she shot you, or anything! But that h-her death isn't on your conscience, that's...."
"A failure," said Sayaka shortly.
"Sayaka-chan...!"
"Don't be naïve, Madoka! Don't you have any idea what almost happened there?"
"I...have a guess," admitted Madoka.
"Akemi was about to turn into a witch!" cried Sayaka, as if she'd known all along, as if she hadn't put it together in almost the same moment Madoka had. "You don't know the kind of monsters they are, but I do. She would have devoured us both, then gone on to sap the good feelings of anyone in the neighborhood she could reach!"
"But she didn't! Isn't that a good thing?"
"It would have been better if I'd killed her before she got the chance!"
One day, Madoka was going to run fresh out of tears. Today was not that day. "I don't want her killed at all! I don't want anybody killed!"
"That's why I did it — so you wouldn't have to! You should be grateful! Don't you understand? It's because I love you that I'm—"
"You don't love me!"
That got Sayaka's attention. Cold blue eyes fixed on Madoka. "How can you say that?"
"Because it's true!" Madoka all but sobbed. "You don't love me. You love — how I make you feel. Like a hero. Like the strongest person in the room. Homura thought you wished to help Kamijou-san because you would have, wouldn't you? Until she interfered...until you could turn your savior complex on someone even more helpless than he was!"
"It — it isn't like that!" cried Sayaka. The eerie singleminded fury was gone; she was shaking.
"All I needed was for you to be with me," countered Madoka. "And to find us a way out, if you could. But that wasn't dramatic enough for you, was it? You had to go without sleep, and hide your sprained ankle, and act like you couldn't let yourself kiss me even though there was no good reason for it, and when all that didn't work you had to stab someone! I bet you love it that you got shot. You get to act brave, and I have to make a fuss over you...I bet you think that's really wonderful!"
The shocked silence told her all she needed to know.
Madoka stepped back, one hand on the knob of the narrow door. It wouldn't lock, but it did shut. "I'm g-going to go change," she said thickly, and closed it between them.
***
It doesn't hurt at all.
It can't hurt. With all the people in the world who have it worse, she has no right to be in pain. Not someone as worthless as her.
She can't let it hurt.
She can't....
***
Even with her discarded clothes piled over the largest of the bloodstains, Madoka couldn't pretend the room was normal.
She lay curled up on the bed in a loose T-shirt and shorts, twintails undone and falling loose across the pillow. The top sheet had been tossed on the floor, along with one of the stuffed rabbits, which had ended up with stains on its tummy and feet. At least the other plushies were okay. Though Panda-san was starting to get a bit threadbare from all the cuddling.
She wanted her mother.
Her guiding inner Mama-voice had faded, and of course her inner Sayaka had been overwritten by the genuine article. Her brilliant, beloved, self-destructing Sayaka-chan....
—Do you want to help your friend, Kaname Madoka?—
Madoka squeaked and nearly throttled Panda-san.
There had been a voice. In her head. Not one of her upbeat self-talk voices, but a cute, boyish, stranger's voice. I'm going crazy too.
—You are not displaying any of your culture's designated symptoms of insanity,— the mystery voice informed her. —Is that comforting? I always have difficulty understanding how human emotions work.—
Who ARE you? demanded Madoka. If this was a hallucination, she might as well go along with it. At least it would pass the time. And what do you want?
—I want whatever you want, Madoka,— replied the stranger cheerfully. —That is to say, I want to grant you a wish. I say 'grant', but really it's your own power that I'm unlocking. You could help your friend, or anything else, if there's something you desire more.—
Something she desired....
To help Sayaka. But there was Homura too, and Madoka wanted to help her, to reach what's left inside her of a normal human being. Could she make a multi-part wish? If so, why not heal Kamijou-kun too? Why not heal every hurt person in the world, while she was at it? But if that could be done, wouldn't some other girl have done it already? Madoka wasn't stupid, but she didn't think she was the cleverest girl in the world, either.
And what about her imprisonment? What about her family? She could help them, and Sayaka too, by wishing this whole thing had never happened...okay, then, so how to stop Homura from starting it again? Maybe if she wished away Walpurgis Night, so Homura wouldn't have to worry....
But Homura wasn't just protecting her from Walpurgis Night. Homura was also worried about wishes.
You're the Incubator, thought Madoka. As if she hadn't, in the back of her heart, already known.
—Most humans in this time and region call me Kyuubei,— said the Incubator. —I can see that you already know something of puella——
Silence. Or whatever you called it when telepathy abruptly cut off.
Are you still there? thought Madoka. Incubator? Kyuubei!
She "called" and listened for a minute or so longer, with no results. Either the Incubator had been a delusion after all, or it had chosen a bad time to come to a messy end.
***
...it hurts.
Her head is full of knives like sharpened steel. There's blood on her hands that won't go away even when she closes her eyes.
There's nothing left for her to do but die.
She can't go on like this. She's risking harm to Madoka — the only thing she has no right to risk — and Madoka was willing just today to throw her life upon the line to save her friend, what kind of coward wouldn't dare repay in kind—
She has to die before—
***
Maybe it was cowardice that stopped her, after all.
Maybe the image of Madoka crying out that wasn't dramatic enough for you, was it? was a convenient excuse, a flimsy shroud for her inability to do the noble, heroic thing in the end.
It wasn't a decision. You can't use a word as strong as deciding for someone sunk so far into the depths that she could barely think, let alone act.
All it was was a hollow girl drifting forward by one step, and then another.
***
"It isn't wonderful."
Madoka sat up straight, messy hair falling across her face. She hadn't heard the door open. Hadn't heard Sayaka crying, either, but Sayaka's voice was hoarse and raw, as if she'd packed an hour of sobbing into the past fifteen minutes.
"I'm not wonderful," continued Sayaka faintly. Her head was bowed, eyes dull; she hugged herself with no passion, as if she was a doll that had been stitched that way. "I don't even know how to be good enough."
Madoka patted the bed beside her. "Sayaka-chan...come sit down, okay?"
Sayaka trudged across the dingy room. Every bit of blood spattered across the floor gave her a moment's pause, as if she couldn't figure out how to get around it.
When at last she sank into the mattress at Madoka's side, Madoka thought about embracing her, or giving her Panda-san to cuddle, or saying something — any one of a hundred different things. Instead she held the toy in her own lap and rested one hand silently on Sayaka's back, the low-bent curve of her spine.
"You act...like I'm showing off how brave I am," began Sayaka at last. "I'm not brave. If you knew...if you could see...when Mami-san first told me about magical girls, and witches, I hesitated. Put it off for more than a week, did you know that? Not because I was planning the smartest wish or anything honest like that. I was scared."
"Anyone would be," said Madoka softly. Wouldn't they?
"We thought one of those monsters had killed you!" cried Sayaka. "I was going to let the creatures that murdered my best friend run wild. Let them keep on killing. Not do a single thing about it."
Madoka swallowed hard, but didn't interrupt.
"And when I did try to think of a wish, I could see...We have it so easy. There are girls with cancer, girls in war zones, girls who are starving, who already know what kind of wish they would trade their lives to get. Why should someone like me...someone who has a happy life and doesn't even know how to appreciate it...get a chance like this? Of course I had to use it to help someone else." She choked. "And of course I thought about Kyousuke! There's not a day I don't think about — he was so good, he loved it so much, for him to lose the violin was the worst thing in the world—"
She was falling apart, hiccuping, tears rolling down her cheeks. Madoka bit down on her own trembling lip and rubbed her friend's back. "It wasn't your fault, Sayaka-chan. It wasn't anything to do with you."
"It should have been me!" shouted Sayaka. "What would I have lost? Softball? Texting? None of it comes close! And I could have saved him — I could have used my wish on him — if only I had known you were safe, that you weren't being locked up by some pervert — but I didn't, and now he's not just cursed to be disabled forever because of that drunk driver, he's cursed because I made the wrong call—"
"Sayaka...!"
Her friend talked right over the protests. "—and now I'm trapped in this prison! I can't fight witches from here. I might turn into a witch without ever having the chance to take out my share! All because I was stupid enough to wish to find you, but not to wish to get you safely home! I'm an idiot, I'm worthless as a puella magi, as a human I took everything for granted — so if there's anything I can do to help you, if it has even the smallest chance of working, of course I have to do it! If I don't, then what's the use of me existing?"
Madoka pulled her into an embrace then, arms tightening around her friend's body while Sayaka quaked and sobbed against hers.
"Don't," choked Sayaka, too wrung out to pull away but shaking her head all the same. "Don't, Madoka, you can't do this, Akemi's right, I'm a monster, don't deserve you."
"You're not a monster!" said Madoka, sure of it like she'd never been sure of anything in her life. "Remember what you said? Being locked up makes people not okay. I'm not okay! And you s-stabbed Akemi because you're not okay either, but once we're out of here we'll get better, and you'll be glad she didn't die, and then...."
"I tried to kill someone before!"
Madoka's lungs seized up in her chest.
"Or, or at least, I left him to die," sobbed Sayaka. "The box witch made people try to gas themselves, Hitomi and a whole bunch of others — Mami-san and I got them out after we killed the witch — she went back to get him, thought I missed him by accident, but I didn't. I didn't. It's the same as if I'd slit his throat myself."
It was impossible. She couldn't believe it. There had to be a reason.... "Sayaka...why would you do a thing like that...?"
"Because...because he said...." Sayaka was heavy in her arms, like an anchor, not holding her in place but sinking her. "You were on the news...he thought you were being molested. He approved."
Madoka felt sick.
Not, though, because of Sayaka.
Never because of you.
"I d-don't regret it," added Sayaka, forcing the words out. "Would do it again. Would cut his throat myself if I had the chance. That...that's the kind of love I have for you, Madoka. I understand if it disgusts you...if you hate it, can't accept it...but it's the only kind I have."
Madoka closed her eyes and rubbed Sayaka's back, holding her still.
The kind of love I have for you is....
"You scare me, Sayaka," she confessed, in a small voice. "But that's all, understand? I don't hate you. I can't...I could never...don't hide from me any more, okay?"
I want to know everything about you. Even if it's scary or sad...it's still a part of my precious Sayaka.
Heh
(Anonymous) 2012-12-19 05:59 am (UTC)(link)Hmm. Sayaka falling into the same pitfall about her inadequacies with Kamijou even though she's shifted the focus of her attention from the violin prince the kidnapped princess is quite the turn of events. Of course, I've never been to fond of Sayaka and her heroic tendencies, but I can see how Madoka would be captured by the romanticism of it, until faced with the harsher reality. But on the inside, I'm crying out for some more Madoka/Homura comfort. Homura's fracturing psyche into her base personality may help with that a little, I suppose. Definitely more relatable compared to her normal cold exterior, if slightly off-putting by the schizophrenic nature of it all.
On that note, Homura's mind/logic in this fic is certainly startling, and it's a far cry from her near-apathetic self we see in the Anime (that's all I've seen, been meaning to get around to the manga). It almost seems like instead of it being a trial and error approach, she's mentally thrown all her eggs into this untested(I think? Could be a later try of locking Madoka up, but the way it was phrased made it seem new-ish) basket. Almost too invested in the prospect of the locked room. Don't get me wrong though, I do love the idea and the concept behind it.
Also, instead of appearing more and more indifferent, Homura appears to be have taken the grief in the loss of sanity direction. With a good number of rewinds already seeming to have taken place, it does seem odd that she'd have picked up Sayaka and leave her with Madoka, as opposed to bringing her then dumping her elsewhere after her wish was "technically" fulfilled, though the nature/wording/intent of Sayaka's wish probably contributed to that.
I can't help but wonder how this will all end up progressing, not to mention the potential endings you could take it in. Madoka's potential fix-it-wish thoughts in this timeline are definitely intriguing, due to being altered by Homura's forewarning. If her wish could help Homura reacquire her balance and lose some of her vitriolic fervor as well as prevent Sayaka from falling, I could definitely see her doing it with Kyuubei's influence. But for that, we'll have to wait and see, I suppose. I also lol'd when Kyuubei presumably got shot up/blown up outside, but if he knows where Madoka and Sayaka are, not only could he potentially tell Mami, but while Homura can theoretically be omnipresent to prevent Madoka from contracting, that would tax her to the point of imminent corruption.
And if Walpurgis is really only approx. two weeks away, I would imagine Mami would definitely be scouting around for Sayaka, and Kyoko might even be appearing. I think Homu's sanity is fraying ever closer to the edge as her trap becomes less and less stable. She's going to need some more Madoka stabilization, but with Sayaka in the picture, Homulily's going to be closer to the surface than is prudent.
In any case, thanks ever so much for the fic. I really appreciate a good sudden left turn to start things off, which is echoed in the amount of ramblings I seem to have left above. Keep up the great work, I'll be looking forward to more.
Re: Heh
I think Madoka is somewhat charmed, but realistic -- she knows Sayaka's pride is a fragile and brittle thing, and is careful to work around it. She loves Sayaka not as an idealized hero, but as she is, flaws and all. Much as I love MadoHomu, Madoka has seen so little of Homura (and with so much inconsistency, so many blank spaces, and all through the filter of Homura being deeply damaged) that she can't get much real sense of her at all.
Homura in the anime isn't apathetic! In the first episode we see her struggling not to hold it together, and she has a full-on tearful breakdown later. She keeps herself very tightly buttoned-down because she's afraid any show of emotion will lead to all the rest of it coming out. In this fic she's trying to do the same thing, but she's a lot more broken than in the series. All the ragged edges show through.
This is, indeed, the first time she's tried the locked-room gambit. Sayaka would have wished to find Madoka any time that happened, so Homura would have known if this was doomed to go badly, and, given her current state of mind, probably shot Sayaka straight away rather than bother with the details.
And yeah, Kyuubei got blown up :3 Again. Poor guy.
Your speculation on Mami is really interesting! Sooner or later you may even learn how much you got right. *muahahahaha*
In the future, when leaving anonymous comments, please sign them with a name or something! (DW accounts are free, and you can sign in with your LJ account or others if you want.) Thanks for reading, and stick around :D
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Glad you like the barrier ideas, and the story!