Erin Ptah (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ptahrrific) wrote2011-06-14 03:14 am
ptahrrific) wrote2011-06-14 03:14 am
Entry tags:
Fake News: It Came From Beyond The Stars And Stripes (0/4)
Title: It Came From Beyond The Stars And Stripes (short version)
Series: TDS/TCR
Characters/Pairings: Jon/"Stephen"
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Alien!sex, (skip) mpreg
Disclaimer: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. The Report characters and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and Viacom. The real person(s) are used in a fictional parody context.
A ficlet held back from the Merry Month of May. As prompted bybiichan: "Fic where Stephen is the alien and is secretly conducting a study of human behavior. His, ah, Stephen-ness is his way of 'blending in.'"
Expanded version: Table of Contents
~*~
When Jon heard the uneven clicking noise, he figured Stephen had broken some gadget and was defiantly trying to force it to run again. So he let himself into the office, figuring he would do his best to put the poor machine out of its misery.
Stephen looked up with a start.
"Sweet pancake-wrapped sausage on a stick!" yelped Jon, as he caught sight of a pair of deep red compound eyes.
~*~
"I come in peace! I swear!"
"Prove it!"
"I've been on this planet eleven years and I haven't tried to wipe out your feeble race yet. Doesn't that count for something?"
"Hey, I object. My race is not feeble."
"Just you, then?"
~*~
"What do you mean, 'personality transplant'?"
"I mean a transplant of personality, Jon. Try to keep up."
"Yeah, but — okay, does that mean the way you act isn't how you actually are?"
"None of the !'^''*' act like this. I did a preliminary scan to compile some basic human traits, then had them implanted so I could pass for one of you while doing the extended study."
"So the rest of the galaxy currently thinks my entire species behaves like you do?"
"Uh, no. I kind of maybe sort of put it off until the night before it was due, so I threw it together at the last minute from our archived recordings of The O'Reilly Factor."
"Which suggested that all humans are loud, obnoxious, belligerent, and in love with Bill O'Reilly."
"Exactly."
"So until the implants come out, you're chemically forced to love — oh, Stephen, I'm so sorry."
~*~
"...uh, that wasn't all chemically forced too, was it?"
"Oh, no. Sexual desire wasn't part of the transplant. I think you're very handsome. Even if you do have weird blotchy eyes."
"Uh, thanks."
"We've got to get you some extensions or something, though. The best !'^''*' erogenous zones are too far in for you to reach without tentacles."
"Yeah, sorry about that. Any other physical differences I should know about?"
"Well, the !'^''*' equivalent of the human brain is found in our guts."
"...That explains a lot."
~*~
"You laid eggs in me?"
"Don't you try and pin this one on me, Stewart. You were the one who went and fertilized them."
Series: TDS/TCR
Characters/Pairings: Jon/"Stephen"
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Alien!sex, (skip) mpreg
Disclaimer: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement. The Report characters and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and Viacom. The real person(s) are used in a fictional parody context.
A ficlet held back from the Merry Month of May. As prompted by
biichan: "Fic where Stephen is the alien and is secretly conducting a study of human behavior. His, ah, Stephen-ness is his way of 'blending in.'"Expanded version: Table of Contents
When Jon heard the uneven clicking noise, he figured Stephen had broken some gadget and was defiantly trying to force it to run again. So he let himself into the office, figuring he would do his best to put the poor machine out of its misery.
Stephen looked up with a start.
"Sweet pancake-wrapped sausage on a stick!" yelped Jon, as he caught sight of a pair of deep red compound eyes.
"I come in peace! I swear!"
"Prove it!"
"I've been on this planet eleven years and I haven't tried to wipe out your feeble race yet. Doesn't that count for something?"
"Hey, I object. My race is not feeble."
"Just you, then?"
"What do you mean, 'personality transplant'?"
"I mean a transplant of personality, Jon. Try to keep up."
"Yeah, but — okay, does that mean the way you act isn't how you actually are?"
"None of the !'^''*' act like this. I did a preliminary scan to compile some basic human traits, then had them implanted so I could pass for one of you while doing the extended study."
"So the rest of the galaxy currently thinks my entire species behaves like you do?"
"Uh, no. I kind of maybe sort of put it off until the night before it was due, so I threw it together at the last minute from our archived recordings of The O'Reilly Factor."
"Which suggested that all humans are loud, obnoxious, belligerent, and in love with Bill O'Reilly."
"Exactly."
"So until the implants come out, you're chemically forced to love — oh, Stephen, I'm so sorry."
"...uh, that wasn't all chemically forced too, was it?"
"Oh, no. Sexual desire wasn't part of the transplant. I think you're very handsome. Even if you do have weird blotchy eyes."
"Uh, thanks."
"We've got to get you some extensions or something, though. The best !'^''*' erogenous zones are too far in for you to reach without tentacles."
"Yeah, sorry about that. Any other physical differences I should know about?"
"Well, the !'^''*' equivalent of the human brain is found in our guts."
"...That explains a lot."
"You laid eggs in me?"
"Don't you try and pin this one on me, Stewart. You were the one who went and fertilized them."