Fake News: Purple Hamster Means No

[ptahrrific]

Title: Purple Hamster Means No
Rating: PG (sex talk, references to harassment)
Characters/pairings: Jon/"Stephen"
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

Summary: A quick dialogue-only ficlet. Stephen tries to explain his kink. Jon is a little slow on the uptake.


Purple Hamster Means No


"The thing you've got to understand is that 'no' doesn't mean 'no'."

"Okay, stop right there. Stephen, it's exactly that attitude that keeps getting you hit with sexual harassment suits."

"Those are different, Jon. Those were perfectly legitimate behavior patterns that certain ladies interpreted in an unfortunate manner. Take Meg's latest. All I did was look at her! And she tried to claim it was a leer!"

"She also claimed you had your hand down your pants."

"I had an itch!"

"...right. Listen, Stephen, the point is that when women tell you to stop doing something, you have to actually stop."

"Yeah, yeah, tell me something I haven't heard a million times. The point is, in this case, we would agree from the beginning that 'no' doesn't mean 'no'. So it would be okay, because we would both be in on it."

"I guess that makes sense."

"So if I say 'no', or 'stop', it really means 'keep going'."

"And if you say 'yes' or 'keep going', it means 'stop'?"

"Don't be stupid, Jon. It's BDSM, not Opposite Day."

"Okay, okay. But what if you actually wanted me to stop something I was doing? What would you say?"

"That's what safewords are for. Do you know what that—"

"Not a complete idiot, Stephen. What's yours?"

"Could've fooled me. And I usually use 'purple hamster'."

"...seriously?"

"Stop your smirking! It's good that it's silly. Makes it easier to notice."

"Uh, sure. Whatever you say."

"Look, don't worry too much about it. I'm not going to want you to stop anyway."

"Are you sure about that? Because I'm not exactly a virtuoso at this, and if I accidentally hurt—"

"Jon. I don't need you to have finesse, here. As long as you pound me against the wall like a cheap side of beef until the only thing I have the strength left to do is whimper your name, we're good."

"...."

"Jon? Hello? Are you — whoa!"

"Pants. Off. Now."

"I — mmph — ooh — what, here?"

"...sorry, is it too awkward?"

"Did I say anything about unnaturally tinted rodents, Stewart?"

"Oh! Right! In that case...bend over that desk, and, um, stop your whining?"

"...it's a start."

Comments

[sirdrakesheir.livejournal.com]

Fabulous!

[themistoklis]

It's BDSM, not Opposite Day.

XD I have an unyielding love for dialogue!fic, this was fantastic.

[sarcasticsra]

Hahaha! Brilliant. Oh, Stephen. And for a fun change: oh, Jon. *snerk*

"Did I say anything about unnaturally tinted rodents, Stewart?"

Possibly the best line ever.

[canadian-plant.livejournal.com]

Very funny! I love Jon awkwardly trying to accomodate Stephen's kinks :-D

[vfdj42.livejournal.com]

"Don't be stupid, Jon. It's BDSM, not Opposite Day."

SQUEE. I saw your SWC fics and you are now my new hero.

[jmie.livejournal.com]

Aw, Jon's being a dom and taking initiative, and it's so damn cute. I love how he's covering all his bases, making sure how to stop it, although he knows what a safe word is, and just (snicker.)

[greenpixiehair.livejournal.com]

"Did I say anything about unnaturally tinted rodents, Stewart?"

Oh god you kill me. I remember you posting the 'opposite day' line before, and now joy of joys it has it's own fic!

"is this too awkward?" Jon is so bad at BDSM. *sighs* But I'm sure he'll learn.

[wishflower4.livejournal.com]

Purple hamster. Oh lord, that is priceless. I imagine that would completely break the mood, though.

[lavinialavender.livejournal.com]

Oh man, this made me LOL so hard. These lines: "As long as you pound me against the wall like a cheap side of beef until the only thing I have the strength left to do is whimper your name, we're good." and "Oh! Right! In that case...bend over that desk, and, um, stop your whining?" Oh, Jon.

[lavinialavender.livejournal.com]

Which is the point, I assume.

[klaudyna.livejournal.com]

"And if you say 'yes' or 'keep going', it means 'stop'?"

"Don't be stupid, Jon. It's BDSM, not Opposite Day."

Oh boy, did I snort at this! Awesome little fic. ♥

[anais-rhys.livejournal.com]

I am torn between "Did I say anything about unnaturally tinted rodents, Stewart?" and "...." for favorite line ^_^ dom?Jon FTW

[seagullsong.livejournal.com]

"Don't be stupid, Jon. It's BDSM, not Opposite Day."

Man, that, as has already been noted, is classic. ^^

[osprey-archer.livejournal.com]

Oh, Jon. This whole dom thing doesn't quite come naturally, does it? So cute.

I love the flow of this whole thing. It's always obvious who's talking even without dialogue tags; they both have such distinctive voices.

[zelkovaserrata.livejournal.com]

...what they said. i liek it.
if i said 'stop writing awesome fic' would you know what i meant?

[planetkiller.livejournal.com]

I love this! Thanks for sharing.