Again with the puns! *cackles* I do love a good pun. Puns are not the lowest form of wit; the cheap ones are. And The Daily Show makes terribly good use of them (Cheney's got a gun, anyone?); I can see it being an automatic response on Jon's part to the news - to any idle moment, really.
Opening in the hospital waiting room. Drags out the suspense; recalls the very opening of the fic. The comparison is too clear for it not to be deliberate, and, it took me a moment, but got to the bit about the man-with-the-rash next to Jon and went, noise. Two TVs and other people in the waiting room? The contrast with the original waiting room is made explicit (I distinctly recall there being nothing for Jon to distract himself with. Silence can be deafening).
It sets up Jon as Stephen's emergency room friend (everybody has one, and it's not usually their next of kin) and paves the way for our original glimpse of Jon at the hospital. I like this. In the first chapter we got to contrast Jon's worry and fear with Evelyn's response; and Jon's response to finding out/the way he found out to Evelyn's; and now you tie us right back in to that first moment - we get to contrast Jon's levels of panic and later in the fic we get to contrast Stephen's response to it. I'm glad of this; some of the best writing I've had the pleasure to read has been the work of authors who set up these ever expanding circles of semantics and moments which echo and tie the plot together, bind it structurally and lexically to support the narrative proper. You have a fair few yourself, and I think it works to your advantage; I also think that they aren't drawn out as much as they could be with a little more attention to lexis, and, further, that that is a good thing: your narrative has a lot to deal with in the sense that your plot is heavy with its - implausability. It's an au. In a very specific way, and only by treating it as natural, as less than fantastical, can you keep it moving and make it work. If you constantly had to deal with the characters 'dealing' with it as in how unnatural it is as opposed to simply 'dealing with it' - the narrative wouldn't work; it would become unwieldy. Too much meta would not work here; this is a story whose plot depends on development of character more than anything else, and that means leaning away, sometimes, from technical trickery in a way that, say, The Thing With Feathers could be self-indulgent. The Thing With Feathers is a story about writing as much as anything and that means the writing gets to come out and play a little more than a story that's very plot-driven - it has the advantage of being part of the plot.
Um. Getting distracted there. Anyway. Nice echo with Jon being recognised here as well.
Stephen...grinned and waved when Jon came in. Hi, Jon! Hi, Jon, hi! *laughs* he's delightful in this segment. As is his recitation of the facts concerning his condition - he's feeling a warmth towards Jon, and he owes Jon and what better way to make him happy? I like that the recitation of facts isn't at all a) mentioned as fact, just Moreau's words; b) Moreau's words, as evidenced by Stephen's self-correction of fetus to baby; and c) not at all intended to put Jon at ease, but rather to impress him/get his attention. (Contrast: Stephen's reaction to Jon's worry later on. And I am amused that Stephen is so bolstered by both his health and the clear evidence that Jon does worry about him as to profess Jon 'cute' when he's worried. Belittling? Yes, unintentionally. Affectionate? I do believe so.)
no subject
Opening in the hospital waiting room. Drags out the suspense; recalls the very opening of the fic. The comparison is too clear for it not to be deliberate, and, it took me a moment, but got to the bit about the man-with-the-rash next to Jon and went, noise. Two TVs and other people in the waiting room? The contrast with the original waiting room is made explicit (I distinctly recall there being nothing for Jon to distract himself with. Silence can be deafening).
It sets up Jon as Stephen's emergency room friend (everybody has one, and it's not usually their next of kin) and paves the way for our original glimpse of Jon at the hospital. I like this. In the first chapter we got to contrast Jon's worry and fear with Evelyn's response; and Jon's response to finding out/the way he found out to Evelyn's; and now you tie us right back in to that first moment - we get to contrast Jon's levels of panic and later in the fic we get to contrast Stephen's response to it. I'm glad of this; some of the best writing I've had the pleasure to read has been the work of authors who set up these ever expanding circles of semantics and moments which echo and tie the plot together, bind it structurally and lexically to support the narrative proper. You have a fair few yourself, and I think it works to your advantage; I also think that they aren't drawn out as much as they could be with a little more attention to lexis, and, further, that that is a good thing: your narrative has a lot to deal with in the sense that your plot is heavy with its - implausability. It's an au. In a very specific way, and only by treating it as natural, as less than fantastical, can you keep it moving and make it work. If you constantly had to deal with the characters 'dealing' with it as in how unnatural it is as opposed to simply 'dealing with it' - the narrative wouldn't work; it would become unwieldy. Too much meta would not work here; this is a story whose plot depends on development of character more than anything else, and that means leaning away, sometimes, from technical trickery in a way that, say, The Thing With Feathers could be self-indulgent. The Thing With Feathers is a story about writing as much as anything and that means the writing gets to come out and play a little more than a story that's very plot-driven - it has the advantage of being part of the plot.
Um. Getting distracted there. Anyway. Nice echo with Jon being recognised here as well.
Stephen...grinned and waved when Jon came in.
Hi, Jon! Hi, Jon, hi!
*laughs* he's delightful in this segment. As is his recitation of the facts concerning his condition - he's feeling a warmth towards Jon, and he owes Jon and what better way to make him happy? I like that the recitation of facts isn't at all a) mentioned as fact, just Moreau's words; b) Moreau's words, as evidenced by Stephen's self-correction of fetus to baby; and c) not at all intended to put Jon at ease, but rather to impress him/get his attention. (Contrast: Stephen's reaction to Jon's worry later on. And I am amused that Stephen is so bolstered by both his health and the clear evidence that Jon does worry about him as to profess Jon 'cute' when he's worried. Belittling? Yes, unintentionally. Affectionate? I do believe so.)