Erin Ptah (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ptahrrific) wrote2006-10-29 03:36 pm
ptahrrific) wrote2006-10-29 03:36 pm
Fake News: "Nate Corddry and the Supply Closet of Doom"
Title: Nate Corddry and the Supply Closet of Doom
Fandom: The Colbert Report (the characters); The Daily Show
Genre: Comedy
Rating: PG-13
Words: ~1900
Warnings: Sex. It's offscreen, but there's a lot of it (eleven pairings total).
Disclaimer: The Colbert Report and its characters are the creation of Stephen Colbert, Eric Drysdale, and the other writers. Characters used without permission - but with love (and, more importantly from a legal standpoint, without profit).
And the real people are, well, real. Regardless, the story is not. I wrote a disclaimer about this as a poem.
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what follows is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because I like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
I don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.
Notes: All the correspondents mentioned can be found on this list. (They date the story pretty well.) As for non-correspondents: TCR staff are in their Report characters; Laura is the intern to whom Stephen once did his unflattering Chinese stereotype impression, which was not meant to be broadcast but caught by the blogosphere; and if you don't catch one of the pairing references,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
mac_hearts_pc should clue you in.
Mirror on the AO3.
Nate Corddry and the Supply Closet of Doom
I.
Nathan Corddry is the youngest correspondent on The Daily Show, and this means that he's always being used as a gopher by the senior correspondents. This wouldn't be so bad if his older brother weren't one of them. And, because Rob has no qualms about ordering Nate around, the rest of the crew follows his lead, feeling free to say at any time, "Hey, Rob's little brother, can you go get...?"
Today, for instance, he's in the break room when Jason Jones opens the fridge and some poor Coke can, shoved in at an awkward angle, tumbles out and starts dumping its carbonated contents across the floor. "Shoot," says Jason, grabbing a washcloth. "Hey, Rob's little brother, can you go grab the mop from the supply closet?"
While Jason picks up the can and wipes off his shoes, Nate heads down the hall. The dingy supply closet is the last door on the left down a dingy corridor; nobody ever comes this way without an errand to run. So when Nate hears activity from behind the closet door, his first thought is, Burglars.
His second is Crazed fans, here to kidnap Jon. His third is Regular fans, sneaking in to see the show.
The door is open a crack; he tiptoes up and looks in. Then he wheels around and pretty much flies in the opposite direction.
The only face he'd seen was that of Ed Helms, but Nate grew up in the same house as Rob; he doesn't need to see his brother's face to identify him. He's never heard quite this sound from Rob, though, and thank heaven.
Some little-brother-ish part of his mind suggests that this might be good blackmail material.
The rest is trying to convince itself that the whole thing never happened; and, when that fails, considering dousing itself in acid.
II.
Nate's walking past Jon's office next day, hearing the shuffle of papers and the chink of a stapler, when his boss calls, "Hey, Nate, could you go grab me a refill of staples, please?"
"Sure thing," replies Nate cheerfully. Jon always remembers his name; it's one of the many little things he does to make the job comfortable. On meeting him, Nate was a little intimidated - after all, this was Jon Stewart, the most trusted name in fake news. But now he's gotten used to calling him "Jon", and doesn't mind being sent to the supply closet if it's by this man.
As he walks down the hall, Nate tries to ignore the images popping up in his head. It's his brother's day off today, and he happens to know that Ed is out on assignment, so there's no danger today. No sirree. His active repression of the subject can continue uninterrupted.
Nate even whistles as he walks down the hall.
As he dashes away this time, scrubbing his eyes and praying that the couple in there this time was too preoccupied to hear him, he orders himself to pay better attention next time.
At least this one was less of a shock. After all, Jason's married to Samantha. They have a daughter. Nate just hadn't realized there was a possibility she was conceived in the building.
III.
Rob's telling a story from back in the days of Stephen Colbert's time on the show, and everyone is in the break room listening, when Ed comes in and announces that there's no soap in the men's room. (He then grabs a donut from the table. The others cringe.)
"Hey, bro," says Rob. "Can you go get some more soap? Third shelf, on the left..."
Nate does a quick inventory of the room. Everyone's there except Jon; no embarrassing couples to walk in on. "I'm on it," he says, and walks out. He'll ask Rob about the story's ending later.
Still, Nate keeps his ears open as he approaches the supply closet. There's no danger today, but he's trying to get in the habit, for his own safety. As expected, there's no grunting or heavy breathing, so he pushes open the door a crack.
Two things Nate learns this day. One, Jon can enjoy himself very quietly. Two, Jon has a copy of the huge portrait-within-a-portrait that graces the set of The Colbert Report.
IV.
Lewis Black, fortunately, does everything very loudly.
Nate hears him yelling something that sounds like like "smoke that poll" from halfway down the hall, and turns promptly around. If Sam wants to make copies, Sam can get her own darn paper.
V.
The microwave breaks down.
It's an old microwave - it dates from the bygone days of the old studio, and Nate had heard tell that Craig Kilborn used to use it. Still, the correspondents are attached to it, and they want to take a shot at fixing it before they splurge on a new one.
It's a great bonding experience, all the Daily Show staff getting together to poke around at wires and reveal their complete lack of expertise, until someone decides to call Resident Expert John Hodgman.
John's catching his breath when he answers the phone. "We haven't interrupted anything, have we?" asks Jason.
"Yes, actually. I'm trying to check out my new Mac. What do you need?"
Jason outlines the problem. After a few sentences, John interrupts him. "Did you read the manual?"
The correspondent admits that he hasn't, and the expert advises them to do so and promptly hangs up.
VI.
One full-scale search of the building later, Sam remembers seeing the book in question in a box of manuals that got shoved in a closet and forgotten about, and Jon realizes that the closet was in the old studio.
"Someone could drive over and pick it up," he suggests. "I--"
"Let's take a vote," interrupts Sam. "I vote Nate do it."
"Seconded," says Ed.
Rob and Jason join in, and Nate agrees quickly, because he's not sure he wants the fate of the microwave to rest on Jon Stewart's hasty return from the Colbert Report studio.
When he gets there, someone must have called ahead, because an intern greets him at the door. "It's a little tense in here," she warns. "Russ Lieber's visiting - he's this liberal radio guy, Mr. Stephen fights with him a lot - and he's here for a debate, so Mr. Stephen's on edge."
"I can handle it," says Nate confidently. "He used to be a Daily Show correspondent just like me, after all."
The intern gives him a derisive look. "I don't know who you are," she says severely, "but Mr. Stephen is not like you. He is his own show."
"You mean he has his own show," corrects Nate tentatively.
"No, I mean he is his new show. Here's the supply closet." She throws open the door, and Nate flinches out of habit - but it's deserted. Together they dig out the microwave manual, which is buried deep in a large cardboard box labeled LIGHT BULBS, and have awkward conversation, during which Nate learns that the intern's name is Laura.
"There. You found it," says Laura when it's retrieved. "Do you know the way out?"
"Um," fumbles Nate. "Er, no." He does, but Laura's cute; since he can't think of a clever statement to impress her into staying with him a little longer, this is his next best idea.
"Come on, then," she sighs, and leads him out. As they pass the break room door, she stops. "Just a second. I want to grab a donut while we're here."
She throws open this door too, then yanks it shut in a hurry, but not before Nate catches the back of a man with curly brown hair and a tan jacket, engaged in passionate liplock with--
"I, I, I'll get the donut later," stutters Laura, hand tightly gripping the closed door's knob. "So sorry you had to see that, that's not normal, I swear, I ..."
"It's okay," says Nate with a nonchalant shrug. "I'm used to it."
Laura looks at him with a new appreciation, and Nate smiles hopefully.
VII.
After dropping off the manual, Nate retreats to the relative solitude of his double office. Half an hour later, there's a knock on the door.
"Who is it?"
"'S me, bro."
"Oh. C'mon in."
Rob shuts the door behind him and takes a seat on the broken swivel chair facing Nate's cluttered desk. "You feeling all right, kid?"
"Yeah, sure." Nate doesn't look up.
"No, you're not. Dude, talk to me. What's up?"
Nate looks at his brother (Rob seems genuinely concerned), looks away (he isn't sure he wants to let Rob know he knows), looks back, looks away, takes a deep breath, meets Rob's eyes, and says, "Ed? seriously, what do you see in him?"
Rob's face registers shock, then amusement, then settles into his deadpan commentator mode. "So. You saw us."
"Only for a second," Nate backtracks quickly. But now that he's begun, he can't resist adding, "And then Jason and Sam, and then, well, maybe I shouldn't say, but then someone else, and then, and then ..."
"Ahhhh." Rob grins. "You've got the Corddry Curse."
Nate's embarrassment is cut off by curiosity. "The what?"
"The Curse. You keep walking in on people in the middle of ... intimate acts. I had the same problem."
"Really?"
"Sure! Man, I remember this one time I was looking for a spare bulb, and I nearly tripped over Mo Rocca and, as it turned out, Vance DeGeneres ..."
"Okay, stop, stop! I don't need to hear the details."
"Right, right. Sorry." Rob shakes his head. "Point is, it's not just you. This happens all the time. Don't stress about it, okay? By now it's pretty much an open secret what people do around here."
"Yeah, well, I wish someone had told me that," grumbles Nate. "And can't you guys find somewhere more private than the supply closet?"
"I'll bring it up at the next staff meeting," his brother promises. "And, you know - we're a pretty tolerant bunch, here. If you're ever interested in someone, and maybe want a little help bringing him around ..."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Nate cuts him off. "Actually, I have a date Friday with a Colbert Report intern. A female intern," he adds, lest there be any confusion.
Rob stands up. "Good luck," he says brightly. "Although Demetri is going to be crushed."
VIII.
If Demetri was pining over Nate, it didn't last long. The next day, Nate walks into the supply closet, looking for batteries, and finds the Trendspotter in a compromising position with Dan Bakkedahl. So that's all right.
Besides, Nate now has a new story to tell on his completely heterosexual second date with Laura next week.
Things are looking up.
Postscript.
(Rob offers to tell Nate details about what Rachel Harris got up to with "Money Bunny" Nancy Walls before the latter's marriage to Steve Carell. This time, Nate accepts.)
Fandom: The Colbert Report (the characters); The Daily Show
Genre: Comedy
Rating: PG-13
Words: ~1900
Warnings: Sex. It's offscreen, but there's a lot of it (eleven pairings total).
Disclaimer: The Colbert Report and its characters are the creation of Stephen Colbert, Eric Drysdale, and the other writers. Characters used without permission - but with love (and, more importantly from a legal standpoint, without profit).
And the real people are, well, real. Regardless, the story is not. I wrote a disclaimer about this as a poem.
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what follows is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because I like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
I don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.
Notes: All the correspondents mentioned can be found on this list. (They date the story pretty well.) As for non-correspondents: TCR staff are in their Report characters; Laura is the intern to whom Stephen once did his unflattering Chinese stereotype impression, which was not meant to be broadcast but caught by the blogosphere; and if you don't catch one of the pairing references,
mac_hearts_pc should clue you in.Mirror on the AO3.
Nate Corddry and the Supply Closet of Doom
I.
Nathan Corddry is the youngest correspondent on The Daily Show, and this means that he's always being used as a gopher by the senior correspondents. This wouldn't be so bad if his older brother weren't one of them. And, because Rob has no qualms about ordering Nate around, the rest of the crew follows his lead, feeling free to say at any time, "Hey, Rob's little brother, can you go get...?"
Today, for instance, he's in the break room when Jason Jones opens the fridge and some poor Coke can, shoved in at an awkward angle, tumbles out and starts dumping its carbonated contents across the floor. "Shoot," says Jason, grabbing a washcloth. "Hey, Rob's little brother, can you go grab the mop from the supply closet?"
While Jason picks up the can and wipes off his shoes, Nate heads down the hall. The dingy supply closet is the last door on the left down a dingy corridor; nobody ever comes this way without an errand to run. So when Nate hears activity from behind the closet door, his first thought is, Burglars.
His second is Crazed fans, here to kidnap Jon. His third is Regular fans, sneaking in to see the show.
The door is open a crack; he tiptoes up and looks in. Then he wheels around and pretty much flies in the opposite direction.
The only face he'd seen was that of Ed Helms, but Nate grew up in the same house as Rob; he doesn't need to see his brother's face to identify him. He's never heard quite this sound from Rob, though, and thank heaven.
Some little-brother-ish part of his mind suggests that this might be good blackmail material.
The rest is trying to convince itself that the whole thing never happened; and, when that fails, considering dousing itself in acid.
II.
Nate's walking past Jon's office next day, hearing the shuffle of papers and the chink of a stapler, when his boss calls, "Hey, Nate, could you go grab me a refill of staples, please?"
"Sure thing," replies Nate cheerfully. Jon always remembers his name; it's one of the many little things he does to make the job comfortable. On meeting him, Nate was a little intimidated - after all, this was Jon Stewart, the most trusted name in fake news. But now he's gotten used to calling him "Jon", and doesn't mind being sent to the supply closet if it's by this man.
As he walks down the hall, Nate tries to ignore the images popping up in his head. It's his brother's day off today, and he happens to know that Ed is out on assignment, so there's no danger today. No sirree. His active repression of the subject can continue uninterrupted.
Nate even whistles as he walks down the hall.
As he dashes away this time, scrubbing his eyes and praying that the couple in there this time was too preoccupied to hear him, he orders himself to pay better attention next time.
At least this one was less of a shock. After all, Jason's married to Samantha. They have a daughter. Nate just hadn't realized there was a possibility she was conceived in the building.
III.
Rob's telling a story from back in the days of Stephen Colbert's time on the show, and everyone is in the break room listening, when Ed comes in and announces that there's no soap in the men's room. (He then grabs a donut from the table. The others cringe.)
"Hey, bro," says Rob. "Can you go get some more soap? Third shelf, on the left..."
Nate does a quick inventory of the room. Everyone's there except Jon; no embarrassing couples to walk in on. "I'm on it," he says, and walks out. He'll ask Rob about the story's ending later.
Still, Nate keeps his ears open as he approaches the supply closet. There's no danger today, but he's trying to get in the habit, for his own safety. As expected, there's no grunting or heavy breathing, so he pushes open the door a crack.
Two things Nate learns this day. One, Jon can enjoy himself very quietly. Two, Jon has a copy of the huge portrait-within-a-portrait that graces the set of The Colbert Report.
IV.
Lewis Black, fortunately, does everything very loudly.
Nate hears him yelling something that sounds like like "smoke that poll" from halfway down the hall, and turns promptly around. If Sam wants to make copies, Sam can get her own darn paper.
V.
The microwave breaks down.
It's an old microwave - it dates from the bygone days of the old studio, and Nate had heard tell that Craig Kilborn used to use it. Still, the correspondents are attached to it, and they want to take a shot at fixing it before they splurge on a new one.
It's a great bonding experience, all the Daily Show staff getting together to poke around at wires and reveal their complete lack of expertise, until someone decides to call Resident Expert John Hodgman.
John's catching his breath when he answers the phone. "We haven't interrupted anything, have we?" asks Jason.
"Yes, actually. I'm trying to check out my new Mac. What do you need?"
Jason outlines the problem. After a few sentences, John interrupts him. "Did you read the manual?"
The correspondent admits that he hasn't, and the expert advises them to do so and promptly hangs up.
VI.
One full-scale search of the building later, Sam remembers seeing the book in question in a box of manuals that got shoved in a closet and forgotten about, and Jon realizes that the closet was in the old studio.
"Someone could drive over and pick it up," he suggests. "I--"
"Let's take a vote," interrupts Sam. "I vote Nate do it."
"Seconded," says Ed.
Rob and Jason join in, and Nate agrees quickly, because he's not sure he wants the fate of the microwave to rest on Jon Stewart's hasty return from the Colbert Report studio.
When he gets there, someone must have called ahead, because an intern greets him at the door. "It's a little tense in here," she warns. "Russ Lieber's visiting - he's this liberal radio guy, Mr. Stephen fights with him a lot - and he's here for a debate, so Mr. Stephen's on edge."
"I can handle it," says Nate confidently. "He used to be a Daily Show correspondent just like me, after all."
The intern gives him a derisive look. "I don't know who you are," she says severely, "but Mr. Stephen is not like you. He is his own show."
"You mean he has his own show," corrects Nate tentatively.
"No, I mean he is his new show. Here's the supply closet." She throws open the door, and Nate flinches out of habit - but it's deserted. Together they dig out the microwave manual, which is buried deep in a large cardboard box labeled LIGHT BULBS, and have awkward conversation, during which Nate learns that the intern's name is Laura.
"There. You found it," says Laura when it's retrieved. "Do you know the way out?"
"Um," fumbles Nate. "Er, no." He does, but Laura's cute; since he can't think of a clever statement to impress her into staying with him a little longer, this is his next best idea.
"Come on, then," she sighs, and leads him out. As they pass the break room door, she stops. "Just a second. I want to grab a donut while we're here."
She throws open this door too, then yanks it shut in a hurry, but not before Nate catches the back of a man with curly brown hair and a tan jacket, engaged in passionate liplock with--
"I, I, I'll get the donut later," stutters Laura, hand tightly gripping the closed door's knob. "So sorry you had to see that, that's not normal, I swear, I ..."
"It's okay," says Nate with a nonchalant shrug. "I'm used to it."
Laura looks at him with a new appreciation, and Nate smiles hopefully.
VII.
After dropping off the manual, Nate retreats to the relative solitude of his double office. Half an hour later, there's a knock on the door.
"Who is it?"
"'S me, bro."
"Oh. C'mon in."
Rob shuts the door behind him and takes a seat on the broken swivel chair facing Nate's cluttered desk. "You feeling all right, kid?"
"Yeah, sure." Nate doesn't look up.
"No, you're not. Dude, talk to me. What's up?"
Nate looks at his brother (Rob seems genuinely concerned), looks away (he isn't sure he wants to let Rob know he knows), looks back, looks away, takes a deep breath, meets Rob's eyes, and says, "Ed? seriously, what do you see in him?"
Rob's face registers shock, then amusement, then settles into his deadpan commentator mode. "So. You saw us."
"Only for a second," Nate backtracks quickly. But now that he's begun, he can't resist adding, "And then Jason and Sam, and then, well, maybe I shouldn't say, but then someone else, and then, and then ..."
"Ahhhh." Rob grins. "You've got the Corddry Curse."
Nate's embarrassment is cut off by curiosity. "The what?"
"The Curse. You keep walking in on people in the middle of ... intimate acts. I had the same problem."
"Really?"
"Sure! Man, I remember this one time I was looking for a spare bulb, and I nearly tripped over Mo Rocca and, as it turned out, Vance DeGeneres ..."
"Okay, stop, stop! I don't need to hear the details."
"Right, right. Sorry." Rob shakes his head. "Point is, it's not just you. This happens all the time. Don't stress about it, okay? By now it's pretty much an open secret what people do around here."
"Yeah, well, I wish someone had told me that," grumbles Nate. "And can't you guys find somewhere more private than the supply closet?"
"I'll bring it up at the next staff meeting," his brother promises. "And, you know - we're a pretty tolerant bunch, here. If you're ever interested in someone, and maybe want a little help bringing him around ..."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Nate cuts him off. "Actually, I have a date Friday with a Colbert Report intern. A female intern," he adds, lest there be any confusion.
Rob stands up. "Good luck," he says brightly. "Although Demetri is going to be crushed."
VIII.
If Demetri was pining over Nate, it didn't last long. The next day, Nate walks into the supply closet, looking for batteries, and finds the Trendspotter in a compromising position with Dan Bakkedahl. So that's all right.
Besides, Nate now has a new story to tell on his completely heterosexual second date with Laura next week.
Things are looking up.
Postscript.
(Rob offers to tell Nate details about what Rachel Harris got up to with "Money Bunny" Nancy Walls before the latter's marriage to Steve Carell. This time, Nate accepts.)