Drawing the Line, episode 1.08

[ptahrrific]

Title: Drawing the Line, episode 1.08: Science Fiction Double Entendre
Rating: TV-14
Series: TDS/TCR; Harvey Birdman; the Ambiguously Gay Duo; Tek Jansen
Disclaimer: This is a work of parody. Although reference is made to real persons and places, the dialog, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only. The animated characters are copyright various studios, none of which are mine.

In which Stephen cools down, Judy Birdgirl heats up, and Jon goes in circles.

Since this is a Tek Jansen crossover, there will be naked heterosexuals. Brace yourselves.

Table of contents here.



Drawing the Line
Episode 8
Science Fiction Double Entendre


The Fortress of Privacy was refreshingly cold, leaving Stephen the most comfortable he'd felt all day.

This fortress followed the traditional giant-cavern model that had served well for so many secret bases, both heroic and villainous, although the motif was certainly unique. It consisted of a whole lot of long thick crystals, in tasteful shades of blue.

"Work it, Ace!"

The ancient alien technology that operated here was also crystal-based. Specifically, it was controlled by taking baseball-bat-sized long crystals and thrusting them in the appropriate holes, usually located between bowling-ball-sized round crystals.

"I'm almost there, Gary! Don't stop!"

Stephen wasn't sure why Birdman and Birdgirl kept twitching as Ace and Gary worked the computer. Sure, they were probably gay, but Stephen's mental sports metaphors ensured that what they were doing was perfectly manly.

"Keep thrusting, Ace! Harder!"

This perfectly innocent dialogue was interrupted when somebody crashed through the ceiling.


—




The painkillers had knocked Jon out good. For how long, he didn't know; but as he drifted back awake he realized that his back felt fine, even though he was lying on something uncomfortably hard. On the other hand, there seemed to be something wrong with his vision. Everything looked grey.

"Oh, goody, you're awake!" trilled Reducto's voice, and Jon rolled over to see the relatively giant head leaning over him. "How do you feel? Better, I hope?"

"Yeah," said Jon, blinking as he sat up. Okay, so his vision was fine. It was just that he was on a grey floor, surrounded by high grey walls. "Where am I?"

"This? This is just a tiny little something I cooked up to keep you busy. We can't have you getting bored and jumping out another window."

The surroundings did look familiar. Jon got to his feet and walked along the wall, trying to take his adjusted perspective into account, trying to imagine how this would look from above. He turned a corner . . .

"A maze," he said. "You put me in a maze."

"Exactly! I always said you were clever."

"If you think I'm so clever, why are you treating me like a rat?" demanded Jon.

Reducto pouted. "Oh, Jon, don't be like that! It's the only thing I had in your size on such short notice. Well, I'm going to take a tiny nap. Ring the bell if you need me."

"What bell?"

"It's at the end of the maze. Ta-ta!"


—


All five heroes looked up, stunned. Hovering in the now-open sky, silhouetted against the sun, was an imposing figure in red and blue.

"Hey!" shouted Ace. "What we do in our fortress is our own business! You can't just break in like this!"

"Now you know how the victims of your reckless building-crashing feel!" said the visitor, in a deep and authoritative voice. "For wanton destruction of public and private property, as well as defiling historic national landmarks, I've been sent to bring you in."

"But we're the good guys here!" protested Harvey.

"Tell it to a judge."

"We just came from a judge!"

"Look, if you'll just come quietly—"

"Please, do what he says," stammered Stephen, as Harvey, Ace, and Gary took defensive stances. "You don't stand a chance against a hero this . . . heroic!"




—


"Reducto? Hey, Reducto! You still there?"

No response. He was alone.

Well, at least this was a trick he already knew, although he had never expected to use it in a situation like this. Taking a deep breath, Jon put a hand on the wall and began to walk.


—


"While Birdgirl negotiates with Tek Jansen in one of your private rooms . . ."

"Extra-private!" corrected Gary.

"Extra-private rooms," amended Harvey. "While she's doing that, get back to that computer! Have you found anything yet?"

"Just one police report," replied Ace. "It's from earlier today. And it mentions Jon's name!"

"Well, what are you waiting for? Let's see it!" ordered Stephen, reaching for one of the control crystals to shove it in the appropriate hole.

Ace caught him around the waist. "Easy there, cowboy! Slow down! Have you ever used a computer like this before?"

"No! But how hard can it be?"

"Very hard!" replied Gary earnestly. "Hard as a rock! So you need to be gentle, especially if it's your first time!"

"I'll be fine! Just show me how it works!"

"Sure thing." Releasing Stephen, Ace guided his hand to the crystal. "Now, you wrap your hand around it—just like that—don't squeeze—just slide it in, nice and easy—you might have to pump it a little—yes, that's exactly right—you're a natural at this! And what are you looking at?"

"Nothing!" stammered Harvey.


—





—


Stephen stared at the report in disbelief.

It couldn't be true. It just couldn't. And yet there it was, in black and white, and in a police report, which meant that there was Authority to back it up.

"I know that woman!" he exclaimed. "We've tumbled together!"

(Behind Stephen, Gary leaned over and whispered to Ace, "'Tumbled'? But I thought he was—" He broke off as Ace shushed him.)