Erin Ptah (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ptahrrific) wrote2007-04-13 04:34 am
ptahrrific) wrote2007-04-13 04:34 am
Fake News: Off The Record
Title: Off The Record
Fandom: TDS/TCR
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Two.
For the Report characters: They and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and of course Viacom. Not mine. Sue me not, please.
And for the real people, the poem:
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what's said here is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because we like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
We don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.
Summary: Recipe for a ficlet:
Take one complaint about Fox News personalities sneaking into the studio to use the microwave. Add one prime cut from a scene involving a battery with the apparently irresistible label "Lick Me". Throw in a dash of the gay. Stir.
Off The Record
It was shortly after noon when Greta, packet of ramen in hand, slipped into the Colbert Report studio. She knew from recent experience that everyone would be out on lunch break at this hour, so she could heat up her lunch in the stolen microwave (technically Fox had agreed to let it be taken, but that didn't make the situation any less inconvenient) without bothering anybody.
She walked smartly across the empty studio floor to the bookshelf that held the old microwave, tugged the door open, and pressed a series of buttons which beeped at her as she set the time. As she hit "Start", a voice startled her: "Greta Van Susteren?"
Greta turned quickly to see the host himself, Stephen Colbert, getting to his feet from where he had been hidden by the curve of the C-shaped desk. His tie was half untied and his shirt a bit rumpled, a marked change from the polished pundit she had seen when he visited the Factor, but it was definitely him.
"Oh! Sorry, I didn't know anybody was here," explained the flustered Greta. "I just needed to use the microwave..."
The device in question hummed serenely. Greta fidgeted.
As Colbert nodded, Greta added hesitantly, "You have something on your face—here." She raises a hand to her cheek; the satirist mimicked the motion, and his fingers retrieved a yellow sticker with the words "LICK ME" printed on it.
"Oh. This," he said, with a nervous little laugh. "It's, ah, from a segment," he added hurriedly.
"I didn't mean to intrude," added Greta. "I just thought the studio would be empty now..."
"It usually is," agreed Colbert ruefully, glancing at the floor beside him.
There was an awkward pause.
"And you did sort of take our microwave," continued Greta after a moment.
"We'll replace it," offered Colbert quickly. "Should've done that sooner," he added, half to himself.
There was another pause. Greta fiddled with her gloves.
Then Colbert looked down at the floor for a long moment, as if responding to something behind the desk that Greta couldn't hear over the microwave. "Shh," he mouthed.
The side of the desk was opaque, she realized, and it was certainly big enough to conceal...
The final beeping of the microwave could not have come fast enough. Greta yanked open the door, snatched her ramen, and fairly flew out of the studio.
"She's gone," said Stephen, letting himself fall to the floor in a relieved heap. "Now, where did I leave off?"
"Give me back that sticker," replied Jon, "and I'll mark the place."
Fandom: TDS/TCR
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Two.
For the Report characters: They and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and of course Viacom. Not mine. Sue me not, please.
And for the real people, the poem:
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what's said here is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because we like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
We don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.
Summary: Recipe for a ficlet:
Take one complaint about Fox News personalities sneaking into the studio to use the microwave. Add one prime cut from a scene involving a battery with the apparently irresistible label "Lick Me". Throw in a dash of the gay. Stir.
Off The Record
It was shortly after noon when Greta, packet of ramen in hand, slipped into the Colbert Report studio. She knew from recent experience that everyone would be out on lunch break at this hour, so she could heat up her lunch in the stolen microwave (technically Fox had agreed to let it be taken, but that didn't make the situation any less inconvenient) without bothering anybody.
She walked smartly across the empty studio floor to the bookshelf that held the old microwave, tugged the door open, and pressed a series of buttons which beeped at her as she set the time. As she hit "Start", a voice startled her: "Greta Van Susteren?"
Greta turned quickly to see the host himself, Stephen Colbert, getting to his feet from where he had been hidden by the curve of the C-shaped desk. His tie was half untied and his shirt a bit rumpled, a marked change from the polished pundit she had seen when he visited the Factor, but it was definitely him.
"Oh! Sorry, I didn't know anybody was here," explained the flustered Greta. "I just needed to use the microwave..."
The device in question hummed serenely. Greta fidgeted.
As Colbert nodded, Greta added hesitantly, "You have something on your face—here." She raises a hand to her cheek; the satirist mimicked the motion, and his fingers retrieved a yellow sticker with the words "LICK ME" printed on it.
"Oh. This," he said, with a nervous little laugh. "It's, ah, from a segment," he added hurriedly.
"I didn't mean to intrude," added Greta. "I just thought the studio would be empty now..."
"It usually is," agreed Colbert ruefully, glancing at the floor beside him.
There was an awkward pause.
"And you did sort of take our microwave," continued Greta after a moment.
"We'll replace it," offered Colbert quickly. "Should've done that sooner," he added, half to himself.
There was another pause. Greta fiddled with her gloves.
Then Colbert looked down at the floor for a long moment, as if responding to something behind the desk that Greta couldn't hear over the microwave. "Shh," he mouthed.
The side of the desk was opaque, she realized, and it was certainly big enough to conceal...
The final beeping of the microwave could not have come fast enough. Greta yanked open the door, snatched her ramen, and fairly flew out of the studio.
"She's gone," said Stephen, letting himself fall to the floor in a relieved heap. "Now, where did I leave off?"
"Give me back that sticker," replied Jon, "and I'll mark the place."
no subject
That was so perfect, cute, and awkward. Why has no one else commented?
no subject
And thanks!