Fake News: An Emmy Fic They Could Have Actually Shown On TV

[ptahrrific]

Title: An Emmy Fic They Could Have Actually Shown On TV
Fandom: TDS
Rating: PG? Heavy innuendo.
Disclaimer: Two.

For the Report characters: They and their universe are property of Stephen Colbert, the other Report writers, and of course Viacom. Not mine. Sue me not, please.

And for the real people, the poem:
Please, make no mistake:
these people aren't fake,
but what's said here is no more than fiction.
It only was writ
because we like their wit
and wisecracks, and pull-squints, and diction.
We don't mean to quibble,
but this can't be libel;
it's never implied to be real.
No disrespect's meant;
if you disapprove, then,
the back button's right up there. Deal.

Notes: Obligatory post-Emmys Jon/Stephen/Steve fic. An alternate version of the actual on-stage action. Because gratuitous sex is all well and good, but let's not forget the joys of gratuitous touching.



An Emmy Fic They Could Have Actually Shown On TV


"And the waste, Stephen? What of the waste?" demanded Jon.

"Jon," replied Stephen, locking on to his eyes with an intent stare, "have you forgotten about...carbon offsets?"

Jon's arm shot out and grabbed his shoulder.

"Carbon offsets!" he exclaimed. "Tell me more."

"Jon," replied Stephen solemnly, "if you go on the Internet, you can help pay for projects...that scrub pollution out of the atmosphere."

Jon took a step closer, his gaze never wavering. "Go on."

"And that's not all. You could...plant a tree."

Jon took another step. "Yes..."

"Replace your incandescent bulbs—with fluorescent ones," continued Stephen, voice dripping with gravitas. "Instead of a dryer, use a clothesline."

"Oh, that's it, Stephen. Talk clean to me."

"Walk or ride a bicycle, rather than driving."

They were nearly touching now; Jon ran his other hand up Stephen's lapel.

"When you next buy a new car..."

He paused, eliciting a shuddery breath of anticipation from Jon.

"...make it a hybrid."

At that Jon let out a throaty growl, grabbed one of Stephen's lapels in each hand, and dragged him into a passionate kiss: fingers clutching, hips pressing together, Stephen's hand slipping into Jon's suit jacket as his leaf blower banged into the other man's thigh.

When they broke apart, breathing heavily, their eyes immediately locked again. Then Stephen's head whipped around to face the camera. His hair was falling in his face; Jon's hips were still grinding ever so slightly against him.

In perfect deadpan, he said, "And the nominees are..."




Steve waited impatiently at his seat as Stephen pulled the envelope oh-so-slowly out of Jon's jacket. When Ricky's name was called, he was halfway out of his chair already, and seconds later he was charging onto the stage.

"Wow. I mean, wow. This is just incredible," he began. "So many people to thank, let's see..."

He stopped, because Jon's hand had cupped his jaw, and he allowed his head to be turned slowly until he met the shorter man's smouldering gaze.

"Steve," said Jon, in a tone of the greatest solemnity. "At this Office of yours...do you...recycle?"

Comments

[belmanoir.livejournal.com]

FIRST COMMENT!

Emmy fic ftw! Stephen can talk clean to me anytime. And man, those guys touch a lot!

[ptahrrific]

I am immensely flattered by the implication that people stampede to comment on my fics =3

They do, don't they? Although not quite this much in RL (to the disappointment of many a fangirl).

[belmanoir.livejournal.com]

*sigh* and yet, unlike with many of my ships, i don't feel that a passionate on-screen kiss is really out of the question at some point in the future...

*hopes*

[verruka.livejournal.com]

Ha. I could actually imagine that happening in the right context...

[imoldfashioned.livejournal.com]

Then Stephen's head whipped around to face the camera. His hair was falling in his face; Jon's hips were still grinding ever so slightly against him.

In perfect deadpan, he said, "And the nominees are..."


I can see this! Made me laugh out loud this did--I wish they'd do this for us.

[ptahrrific]

That was the first image for the fic that popped into my head, so I'm glad it works!

Hey, we can always dream. (And write. And draw...)

[silentauror.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahaa, this is just marvellous! Nicely played! ♥

[violent-rabbit.livejournal.com]

!!!! THEY SO SHOULD OF DONE THIS.


I LOVE EEET.

[alivemagdolene.livejournal.com]

[A]s his leaf blower banged into the other man's thigh.

Oh mine various Gods. Sheer brilliance.


Well, the whole fic I mean, but that line truly sealed the deal.

[ptahrrific]

"Leaf blower" really, really needs to become a fandom euphemism of ours now. Really.

And thank you ♥

[kermit-thefrog.livejournal.com]

I'm not even in this fandom and I second that!
*Goes back to kicking herself for turning the TV off before that bit.*

[ptahrrific]

Thank goodness it's on YouTube (for now)...

See, this is why you need to be in the fandom! The news that they were presenting has been on LJ for a while, and they mentioned it in a toss last week.

[falsifiability.livejournal.com]

HAAA. The deal was sealed for me as well, at that.

Love to see this f'real.

ADDENDUM!

[alivemagdolene.livejournal.com]

When they broke apart, breathing heavily, their eyes immediately locked again. Then Stephen's head whipped around to face the camera. His hair was falling in his face; Jon's hips were still grinding ever so slightly against him.
In perfect deadpan, he said, "And the nominees are..."


I, too, could also very muchly visualize that happening. That and the last line which utterly killed me. Srsly.

Re: ADDENDUM!

[ptahrrific]

I certainly don't mind hearing it again =) Thank you!

[boogie-horror.livejournal.com]

lmao!!! brilliant! "...make it a hybrid." haha!!

[ptahrrific]

Thank you!

[spacemonkey-699.livejournal.com]

WIN!

WIN!~





WIN!!



Did I mention win? Talk Clean to me is the new emailing my accountant. WIN! I DEMAND I WRITE EMMY FIC TOO!@

[ptahrrific]

...I'm not entirely sure what that last part means, but I think it was good.

So, thank you!

[spacemonkey-699.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

I suddenly figured that you weren't around for the whole 'emailing my accountant' thing. It was a whole thing last year. Or was it this year? *ponders*

Yeah, pretty sure it was last year now. Dumb thing.

I has to stop saying thing. But anyways, heres a link so you'll understand. *unashamedly self pimping*

http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=whytokay&keyword=Spacemonkey%21&filter=all

[spacemonkey-699.livejournal.com]

God damn I fail. Sorry, that was the wrong link....6 hours sleep in the last three days, that's my poor excuse.

Annnnnnnnnyway! Right link:

http://community.livejournal.com/tds_rps/407622.html

Yeah, I'll leave you alone now...

[ptahrrific]

Ooh. I did indeed miss that, but now that I've seen it, I am much amused. *follows correct link, adds to memories*

And leafblowers are the new bananas? (Probably not. The old bananas are still good. Maybe the new muffins.)

[oncolgist.livejournal.com]

lolol

[kahvi.livejournal.com]

Oh, excellently done, ma'am. *tips hat*

[stellar-dust.livejournal.com]

LOL! Oh, win.

[crackt3h2nd.livejournal.com]

In perfect deadpan, he said, "And the nominees are..."


I think I snapped something when I twisted my half of my body head around and laughed out loud. Strangely enough, I am ACTUALLY turned-on by this. O.O;


"Steve," said Jon, in a tone of the greatest solemnity. "At this Office of yours ... do you ... recycle?"

My mouth wont revert from it's U shape now. Yeah. Thanks. But seriously though, if THIS showed, imagine the ratings. And fanfics. I mean, if the jumping would garner us a predicted 10x10^99 power fics, imagine THIS... But yeah, you can't really help but to be dissappointed at the lack of RL interactions between the boys. In the Rolling Stones interview, Jon/Stephen said that they don't really hang out with each other outside of the office. *sniffles*

Man, would it be awesome if they did this for me on my birthday.

[ptahrrific]

I think Stephen has trained us very well to find gravitas hot.

If this actually happened, our fandom would explode. Seriously. At least one person found tds_rps last year solely because she thought the J/S dynamic at the '06 Emmys was extremely slashy. So, yeah, if this happened, all the current fandom members would die of delight, but a whole new crop of slash-minded replacements would show up shortly =)

I remember that part of the article, but here's what you need to remember: (1) Jon and Stephen talk almost every morning, (2) they will occasionally order a pizza and shoot the breeze for three hours, and (3) celebrity gossip rags have spotted them together outside the office. So it's not like they're only friends in the context of work.

Fingers crossed...

[crackt3h2nd.livejournal.com]

Yeah well, we also find Jon's pudge the epitome of manliness.

Really? I didn't know that! I actually refused to go to [info]tds_rps 'cause I might desecrate Jon, but obviously I'm a bigger fangirl now than ever.

OOH. I almost forgot about those parts. Stupid Rie. But can you fill me in on the third part?

If you did, vous etas plus beau que des fleur.

[ptahrrific]

Oh, there's tons of good Jon fic at tds_rps. Don't write it off.

I'm afraid I can't fill you in more, because that's all I know. I don't read gossip magazines; I heard it from another TDS fan who also doesn't read gossip magazines, but she has a non-fan friend who does, and this friend passed the news along.

They're pals, that's the important thing =)

[crackt3h2nd.livejournal.com]

No, I meant that at first I didn't wanna go there! I LOVE tds_rps now, it's my first Jon community ever.

That is a cool version of the my friend's-friend's-friend. Wish that happened to me.

I agree. Their friendship is made of awesome.

[bigukgal.livejournal.com]

Stephen's hand slipping into Jon's suit jacket as his leaf blower banged into the other man's thigh.

-HAHAHAHA! That is Quality!

God! This would sooo work! I mean it is so doable! C'mon boys, think Smexay!! ::drops to the floor and prays::

[ptahrrific]

Oh, leaf blower innuendo, how did we survive so long without you?

Thank you! And keep praying ^_~

[shishu1025.livejournal.com]

DA-YUM, WOMAN!

That really needed to happen.

*guh*

Leafblowers. Lawl. Why can't they kiss passionately on TV? T_T

[mira-8.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think the leaf blower will now become a permanent part of the slash pantheon, along with pizza and gray tee shirts. :D

SO much hotnesss in this one wittle fic!! You rock.

[ptahrrific]

The leaf blower is definitely an instant classic.

Thank you!

[canadian-plant.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I don't think Ill be able to watch the actual Emmy clip again without thinking of this ;-)

[ptahrrific]

Then my work is done.

[insanekht.livejournal.com]

You OWN.

[ptahrrific]

♥

[selfunderstared.livejournal.com]

Ü [You must imagine that, not the disinterested gaze going on up there, to get the full effect.]
So much fun, I too, am not sure how we made it this long withouth leafblower innuenso. And Recycling is a good idea, for sure. "When you're done with your Jon, pass him on!"
One of these days it's going to happen, after we've all shifted to a new core couple and have mostly given up hope, they'll need to reference Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers for some reason. And there will be tophats and tails.

[ptahrrific]

"When you're done with your Jon, pass him on!"

Ooh. Put me on the waiting list for a used Jon.

Glad this made you smile =3

Keep your fingers crossed! (Top hats and tails optional, but appreciated.)

[bohemie-reverie.livejournal.com]

thank you for this
huge grin on my face right now
...maybe they'll make out at the next emmys
one can hope

That post above mine...is, well, mine...but I wasn't logged in, so...

[drsaico.livejournal.com]

OH MY FUCKING FRANK! This was FANTASTIC! :D "Talk clean to me." One of the best things I've ever heard, lol! Seriously, this is one of my faves. Thanks for being so AWESOME, lol!

[timeasmymeasure]

"Talk clean to me."

Brilliant, just brilliant.

[ptahrrific]

Thank you =3