ptahrrific: Jon and Stephen, "Believe in the me who believes in you" (fake news)
Erin Ptah ([personal profile] ptahrrific) wrote2011-03-07 11:33 am

Fake News: Ratings-Grabbing For Two

Title: Ratings-Grabbing For Two
Rating: G
Pairings/Characters: "Stephen", Jon, various audiences
Disclaimer: Characters belong to the Report. Names of real people are used in a fictitious context, and all dialogue, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only.

In today's issue of Neglected Commentfic Roundup Week, I bring you...mpreg!

The first line is ripped from canon; the rest of the fic just takes that and runs with it. And, yes, it's another of these fics. Follow-up in Ten Roads Converged.

Mirror on the AO3.


"It's the first week of November sweeps...and I'm pregnant!"


"Before we go, let's check in with our good friend, Stephen Colbert! Stephen, my friend, how are you?"

The lighting in the other studio was turned down, framing the host in a pool of moonlight-blue. Jon leaned forward and squinted. "Everything all right in there?"

"Did you catch the Report last night?" asked Stephen, his tone dangerously velvet.

"Well, um." Jon cleared his throat. "That is to say...I don't always have time to...."

Stephen's eyes bored into him, face still as marble.

"Aw, Stephen, don't be mad," pleaded Jon, over the murmurs and awws of his audience. "I TiVo them, you know I do. I—"

"Coming up next!" interrupted Stephen, hands planted on the desk. "More very important personal news that Jon Stewart doesn't have time to pay attention to!"


"And that's why Jon Stewart is, once and for all, going On Notice!" shouted Stephen once the clip ended, to a slightly ambivalent storm of applause. "Bring out the big board, boys!"


More applause, wholehearted this time, as the man in question stepped out from behind a bookshelf and flung a hand in Stephen's direction.

"What are you doing here, Jon?" demanded Stephen. "Are you sure you have..." He turned dramatically aside, just in time to meet a new camera angle with soap-opera blocking. "...time for this?"

Jon ignored the nervous titter that ran through the audience. "I got around to watching Monday's show," he said gently. "And I wanted to congratulate you on the big news."

"It's not that simple, Jon!" cried Stephen.

The lights around them dropped abruptly to the moonlight-blue filter. Jon jumped, eyes flickering nervously at the dramatic depths of shadow that had sprung up around him.

"If you can't even take half an hour of your busy day to watch my show," continued Stephen with the greatest solemnity, and just a touch of soft-focus, "then how can I know you'll have time to take care of the baby?"

Jon let out an exaggerated gasp. "Stephen! You mean—?"

"Yes, Jon." Stephen's head tilted toward the sky; a carefully planned impromptu breeze tousled the one lock of hair it could wrest away from the gel. "You're the father."

The audience went wild.


"As you know, around this time of year we like to do a little wrap-up of Halloween costumes. What was hot, what was not, what everybody was wearing and what was just plain outrageous, what...."

Jon's voice was drowned out by applause. He furrowed his brow at the camera for a moment, then slowly spun his chair to face the man sitting on the opposite side of the bend in his desk.

"H-hi, Stephen."

"I hope you're happy now," snapped Stephen. "Our faces are all over the tabloids. 'Stephen Colbert carrying Jon Stewart's love child!'"

"It's actually not in any tabloids, Stephen."

"It's only a matter of time before the mainstream media is parked on my—what?"

"Here, I'll show you." Jon began hauling samples out from under his desk. "The National Enquirer, Star, Weekly World News...not a word about us. They're too busy trying to pick sides in the epic war that is John versus Kate."

Stephen flipped through the stack of print with increasing urgency. At last he shoved the whole pile back at Jon. "What's wrong?" he demanded, lip wobbling. "Don't they think I'm important?"

The audience melted.

"Oh, Stephen," sighed Jon, reaching for his sleeve. "It doesn't matter what they think. What do they know? Besides, I think you're very important."

Stephen sniffled, then glanced hopefully up. "Really?"

"Yes." Jon clasped Stephen's hand between his own and smiled. "Really. You...and our baby."

The seats erupted as Stephen leaned forward and allowed Jon to place a chaste kiss on his cheek.


"Still nothing!" huffed Stephen, tearing through another heap of newsprint before slouching grumpily back in his recliner. "What does the Internet say, Jon?"

"A couple of blogs mention it." Jon closed the laptop before rolling the chair back from his desk. "They're all complaining that they don't get the joke."

"I never joke, Jon! Except about things like the vampire with the sore throat. You know, when it's funny!"

(Well, and when he was afraid of letting it show that he took something seriously. All this had started after one of Jon's most buzzed-about interviews, when Stephen had burst out with Why hasn't anyone offered to bear your children yet? To which Jon had smirked and mentioned that there were plenty of offers, then ducked before Stephen could whack him with a pillow.)

"Easy, babe." Leaning over the back of Stephen's recliner, Jon brushed aside some of the debris and began rubbing his shoulders. "Look on the bright side. It means it hasn't occurred to anyone not to see you as a man."

"I guess."

"They'll figure out the truth sooner or later," added Jon ruefully. "I mean, eventually it'll be pretty obvious."

"And that's when they stop seeing me as a man, right?" mumbled Stephen.

"Some of them. Not all."

Stephen caught Jon's wrists and drew them down across the front of his robe, sliding one hand under the folds of flannel. His whole body loosened as Jon's touch ran over his skin, fingertips brushing across one of the curved scars.

"You're going to be a great dad," whispered Jon against his ear.



Stephen pressed his cheek softly against Jon's jaw. "You know what the vampire with the sore throat did? He used coffin drops."

Jon chortled under his breath. "See? That's what I'm talking about. You've already got the 'telling cheesy jokes' part down cold."
politicette: (Default)

[personal profile] politicette 2011-12-31 03:37 am (UTC)(link)
WHAT how is mine going to be the first comment


1) How much do I love that the first line is actually canon? So much do I love it.

2) "Yes, Jon." Stephen's head tilted toward the sky; a carefully planned impromptu breeze tousled the one lock of hair it could wrest away from the gel. "You're the father."

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so "Stephen"! :D This whole extravaganza is so so Stephen and I love it. Announcing his pregnancy on the show before he's even told his partner? Oh honey. :3

3) Jon chortled under his breath. "See? That's what I'm talking about. You've already got the 'telling cheesy jokes' part down cold."

BRB melting into a pile of goo. ♥♥♥ They are going to be the best/corniest dads. :33
ladyjaderains: (Default)

[personal profile] ladyjaderains 2011-12-31 10:46 pm (UTC)(link)
Hee hee, I also thought that Stephen was springing this on Jon live when I read it.

Soap Oprah!Stephen has been a favorite from the TDS years to present. Thanks for including it here.

"And that's when they stop seeing me as a man, right?" mumbled Stephen.

I think Jon may have his hands full when Stephen has to actually deal with this, on top of him being pregnant no less. The line was so sweet in a heartbreaky way.

"Coffin Drops" ^_^