Mix: Fake News - Baby, It's Fact

[ptahrrific]

Medium: Television
Fandom: The Colbert Report
Subject: Liberal!"Stephen"/Jon
Title: Baby, It's Fact

A liberal AU version of how this pairing could develop.

Instead of being a repressed conservative with trust issues and hidden submissive tendencies, Stephen is a TMI-prone liberal with boundary issues and a secret longing to Dom the hell out of someone. All of which means that, instead of coaxing him to open up so they can get together, Jon's first step is pushing him to back off a little.

Hellogoodbye - Baby, It's Fact
Stephen believes you can always overrule your gut with facts. Same with your heart. Surely, if he lays out a rational argument for why Jon should fall in love with him, that will make it happen, right?

Baby, it's fact
That our love is true
The way black is black
And blue is just blue
My love is true
It's a matter of fact
Oh, and you love me too
It's a simple as that



Robert Plant - Tall Cool One
He doesn't like sexual restrictions any more than religions ones. Extensive practice with all sorts of genders, groups, positions, toys, and kinks has made him a tiger in the sack, in just about any situation.

I'm like a strange cat running in the heat of the night
I've got a fire in my eyes, got a date with delight
Some kinda moaning in in the heart of the storm
I'm gonna love you so hard, you'll want your loving done
Lighten up baby, I'm in love with you...

I'm so tall and you're so cute
Let's play wild like wildcats do
You're gonna rock your tall cool one



Boston - Let Me Take You Home Tonight
And he hits on Jon pretty much constantly.

You must understand this
I've watched you for so long
That I feel I've know you
I know it can't be wrong
If we just get together
I want to make you see
I'm dreamin' of your sweet love tonight
So mama let it be

Let me take you home tonight
Mama now it's alright
Let me take you home tonight
I'll show you sweet delight

I don't wanna make excuses
I don't wanna lie
I just gotta get loose
With you tonight



Kelly Clarkson - I Do Not Hook Up
Jon isn't exactly judgmental, but he makes it clear that his own tastes don't include substance-fueled one-night stands.

Oh, sweetheart, put the bottle down
You've got too much talent
I see you through those bloodshot eyes
There's a cure, you've found it...

Oh, no
I do not hook up, up
I go slow
So if you want me, I don't come cheap
Keep your hand in my hand and your heart on your sleeve

Oh, no
I do not hook up, up
I fall deep
'Cause the more that you try, the harder I'll fight
To say goodnight



ABBA - Take A Chance On Me
Stephen starts to back off, though he makes sure Jon knows that the option is always there.

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down

If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try



Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me
He finally ends up watching in frustrated silence as Jon's other relationships falls apart.

You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset
She's going off about something that you said
'Cause she doesn't get your humor like I do...

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming 'bout the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see
You belong with me



Elvis Presley - (You're So Square) Baby, I Don't Care
The first tentative step. Stephen calls it "perpetuating a heteronormative, Victorian system of romantic conventions"; Jon calls it "dating".

Oh, you don't like greasy diners
You don't like sleazy bands
You just want to go
To a movie show
And sit there holding hands
You're so square
Baby I don't care

You don't like going to parties
To toot and talk all night long
You just want to park
Where it's nice and dark
And kiss me, sweet and strong
You're so square
Baby I don't care

You don't know any dance steps
That are new
But nobody else can love me
Like you do



Matchbox 20 - Push
Tolerant though he is of everyone else, Stephen's afraid to own up to his own kink. Jon finally drags it out of him.

She said "I don't know why you ever would lie to me"
Like I'm a little untrusting
When I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya...

I wanna push you around
Well, I will, well, I will
I wanna push you down
Well, I will, well, I will
I wanna take you for granted



The Eagles - Take It Easy
It's not the first time he's had a problem with overthinking things, but it's the first time he's had Jon around to talk him down.

Take it easy, take it easy
Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy
Lighten up while you still can
Don't even try to understand
Just find a place to make your stand
And take it easy



Shayne Ward - If That's OK With You
A quintessential Nice Guy, Stephen seesaws between "coming on too strong" and "double-checking at every step for approval."

I love the way that you look without your makeup
I had a girl before we met but we broke up
There's something 'bout you that makes me want to step up
Step up and be with you
If that's okay with you

We'll keep the neighbors awake too late, too late
'Cos imma gonna make you feel so good
That's how I see it happening
Yeah, we'll keep the neighbors awake too, late too late
'Cos baby I wanna step up, step up and be with you
If that's okay with you

I'm gonna make you feel like you are heaven on earth
I'm gonna saint your mother just for giving you birth
I'm gonna wanna hold you in my arms when you cry
If that's okay with you



Rihanna - Shut Up And Drive
All of which, to their mutual surprise (and delight), brings out Jon's inner pushy sub.

You look like you can handle what's under my hood
You keep saying that you will; boy, I wish you would...

Get you where you wanna go if you know what I mean
Got a ride that's smoother than a limousine
Can you handle the curves? Can you run all the lights?
If you can, baby boy, then we can go all night

Cos I'm zero to sixty in three point five
Baby, you got the keys
Now shut up and drive



The Softies - You And Only You
A morning-after moment of tenderness.

I've been thinking of you and only you

Did you find a four leaf clover
Did you hope that I'd come over
Here I am and I might never leave again

I never thought that I would be
So close to you that I could see
The way your hair goes wavy
When you wake up



Tim Minchin - If I Didn't Have You
Stephen still likes facts. Logic. Blurting out terribly unromantic things because they make statistical sense.

If I didn't have you to hold me tight
If I didn't have you to lie with at night
If I didn't have you to share my sights
And to kiss me and dry my tears when I cry

Well I, really think that I would...
Have somebody else

If I didn't have you, someone else would do

Your love is one in a million
You couldn't buy it at any price
But of the 9 point 9 hundred thousand other loves
Statistically some of them would be equally nice



Billy Joel - Leave A Tender Moment Alone
But he's starting to recognize that it's okay to go with his instincts and shut up once in a while.

Even though I'm in love
Sometimes I get so afraid
I'll say something so wrong
Just to have something to say

I know the moment isn't right
To tell the girl a comical line
To keep the conversation light
I guess I'm just frightened out of my mind

But if that's how I feel
Then it's the best feeling I've even known
It's undeniably real
Leave a tender moment alone



Bonus: The Wet Spots - Do You Take It
I couldn't resist. (This has l!Stephen's cringeworthy directness all over it.)

Well my father says you're nifty
And you've heard of Baudelaire
And we both agree that human rights abuses are unfair

You understand your feelings
And you're not afraid to share
And I think I could do something with your hair

You smell nice and you're groovy
And we both like foreign movies
My mother says you have that touch of class

Well I can see a shining future
Where we'll dialog and nurture
But there's one last thing I feel I need to ask...

Do you take it in the ass?
Do you take it in the ass?
When it comes to brains you've got 'em
But, unless you'll play the bottom
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take a pass...

You see, I'm not the kinda fella
Who can get off on vanilla
No, I need a little color in my sex

Well, honey pie it just so happens
That I brought my day-glo strap-on
And some mescaline to heighten the effect

Rebloggable on Tumblr | Listen on 8tracks

Comments

[pseudo_tsuga]

I just...I love this so much. This is amazing. XDDDD I literally have tears in my eyes this is so funny.

[gaudy-night.livejournal.com]

Your fanmixes are absolutely perfect. (I still have 'Don't Let This Go To Your Head' on repeat while I work.) And I'm very excited to listen to this new compilation! Many thanks!

[seagullsong]

(Am I odd for finding that Minchin song terribly romantic? "We're not destined to be together, but I want to be anyway 'cause I love you." Warms my little skeptic heart. <3)

You know what other Minchin song reminds me of liberal!Stephen a bit?

I really like Christmas.
It's sentimental I know, but I just really like it...

And yes I have all of the usual objections
To the miseducation of children who, in tax-exempt institutions,
Are taught to externalise blame
And to feel ashamed and to judge things as plain right and wrong
But I quite like the songs.

(Oh, and btw when I saw the title of this mix with the word "baby" I kind of assumed it was liberal!Stephen Expecting verse, which was fun in my brain for a minute.)

Anyway, awesome!

[ptahrrific]

Yeah, it's romantic in its own way. Not exactly what most people expect to be sweet-talked with, though ^_^;

Tim Minchin has a ton of liberal!Stephen songs. It's glorious.

(I managed to write a scene from liberal!Expectingverse, but for the most part it just hurts my brain XD)

[lightbrite]

Great mix!

Cool mix!

[(Anonymous)]

I don't watch the show but had to love you for including Tim Minchin!

[(Anonymous)]

Sweet Mix! Thanks.