ptahrrific: Jon and Stephen, "Believe in the me who believes in you" (fake news)
Erin Ptah ([personal profile] ptahrrific) wrote2009-05-06 07:25 am

Fake News: Satellite Test

Title: Satellite Test
Series: TDS/TCR
Characters/Pairings: Jon/"Stephen", Jimmy
Rating: PG-13 (video sex, carrotus interruptus)
Disclaimer: See the index.

For [ profile] stellar_dust, who wanted an angst-free story about baby carrots.

Satellite Test

"And three...two...we're on," said Jimmy's voice from the speakers. "Satellite test is go. Start talking, Stephen."

"You never have to tell me twice." Stephen grinned at the camera, tilting his head and preening. "How do I look, Jon?"

There was a half-second delay before Jon's voice, a bit crackly and distorted but as warm as ever, echoed in the small studio deep in an undisclosed location. "Made for television."

"Everything coming through all right? My voice is coming through clearly, and so on?"

"It's downright melodious, Stephen."

"Well, now we know he can hear me," said Stephen decidedly. "And you can see fine? Not too much distortion? How many fingers am I holding up?"

Again that half-second delay before the reply: "Two."

"How about now?"


"Now describe what I'm doing."

"You're...reaching under the desk," said Jon, the play-by-play just slightly behind Stephen's actions, "and pulling out something. A bag. Something orange...Stephen, are those baby carrots?"

"Get me a close-up, Jim," ordered Stephen. The camera cut to a close shot of Stephen's head and shoulders; he held up the bag to be in the frame. "Keep talking, Jon."

"Are you sure?" stammered Jon. "I mean, uh — Jimmy, have you got enough yet?"

"This is great, actually," replied the director. "Gives us a sense of the timing. Keep up the narration while I run a few more tests."

"Okay," said Jon's voice. "You're...holding up the bag — ah! You tossed it from one hand to the other. Now you're opening it, and pulling out a baby carrot. And...."

He trailed off again as Stephen tilted the carrot up towards his mouth, hovering over it for a moment before flicking his tongue across the tip.

"Don't stop, Jon," he implored, looking up at the camera from under his long lashes (still there, if not entirely visible at this resolution). "Please don't stop."

"You're...tonguing the end of the carrot." Jon's voice seemed oddly jumpy now. Maybe there was interference with the satellite. "Now you're r-running your tongue along the've got the end in your mouth...ohgod. You're moving it up...and d-down again...up and down, slowly, very slowly, you...okay, now you've got almost the whole thing in your mouth. I can...I can see your lips working, your cheeks, your eyes closing as you concentrate...god, Stephen, you're really going to swallow it all, aren't you? You're...okay, now you're turning purple. Ooh. That can't be good. Hey! Someone help him, he's choking!"

Killer jogged over to the desk, and a few thrusts later Stephen had coughed up the baby carrot, which bounced off the desktop and landed, still whole, on the floor. Moments later he was surrounded by other staff, rubbing his back and wiping his brow and offering him water.

"I'm okay, I'm okay!" he insisted, waving them aside so he could see the camera.

"Oh, thank goodness," came Jon's relieved voice a half second later. "Stephen, listen, promise me you won't do anything like that again, okay?"

"Sure," said Stephen shakily. "Who wants his gravestone to say 'Died in faraway country during wartime from baby carrot'? Not me."


"I'll just have to save the moves until I get home."

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