ptahrrific: Woman with a notebook (Default)
Erin Ptah ([personal profile] ptahrrific) wrote2011-03-28 11:20 am

Fake News: Somewhere Greener, Somewhere Warmer

Medium: Television
Fandom: The Colbert Report
Subject: "Stephen"/"Jonathan"
Title: Somewhere Greener, Somewhere Warmer

I've been on a roll with this monologue (transcribed here) lately. Here's a musical version.







♥ ♥ ♥

Step one, I want all of my straight male viewers to start hanging around in gay bars. Make friends with a gay man. Now you’re going to be spending a lot of time together. So you’re going to want the find one you really click with.

♥ ♥ ♥

When In Rome | The Promise
Step two, make him fall in love with you.

Sometimes if I shout
It's not what's intended
These words just come out
With no cross to bear

I'm sorry but I'm just thinking of the right words to say
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be
But if you wait around a while I'll make you fall for me
I promise, I promise you I will


♥ ♥ ♥

Jo Dee Messina | Heads Carolina, Tails California
Step three, move to California.

We can load what we own in the back of a U-haul van
Couple modern day Moses', searchin for the promised land
We can go four hundred miles before we stop for gas
We can drive for a day, and then we'll take a look at the map

Heads Carolina, tails California
Somewhere greener, somewhere warmer
Up in the mountains, down by the ocean
Where? It don't matter, as long as we're goin'
Somewhere together. I've got a quarter
Heads Carolina, tails California

We're gonna get outta here if we gotta ride a Greyhound bus
Boy, we're bound to outrun the bad luck that's tailin' us


♥ ♥ ♥

RENT | Santa Fe
Get a cozy little cottage in Venice Beach, maybe open an upscale dog grooming boutique. You’re good with business and Jonathan is amazing with animals.

Let's open up a restaurant in Santa Fe
Our labors would reap financial gains
We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe
And save from devastation our brains

We'll pack up all our junk and fly so far away
Devote ourselves to projects that sell
We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe
Forget this cold Bohemian hell


♥ ♥ ♥

Carbon Leaf | Life Less Ordinary
You meet his parents. He introduces you as his roommate. Tension! Really, Jonathan? It’s been two years. You have a fight. He apologizes, tells his parents and they’re not surprised. And they just want what’s best for the both of you.

Live a life less ordinary
Live a life extraordinary with me
My face had said too much
Before our hands could even touch
To greet a 'hello'
(So much for going slow...)
A little later on that year
I told you that I loved you, dear
What do you know?
This you weren't prepared to hear
I'm a saddened man, I'm a broken boy
I'm a toddler with a complex toy
I've fallen apart, since the ambush of your heart

The night you came into my life
Well it took the bones of me, took the bones of me
You blew away my storm and strife
And shook the bones of me, shook the bones of me
By the way, I do know why you stayed away
I will keep tongue-tied but...


♥ ♥ ♥

By Jeeves | Half A Moment
Step four. You’re wine tasting in Sonoma. You stop at this great little antique place, hide a ring inside the roll top credenza he’s been eyeing for weeks. He opens it, bam, you drop to a knee and ask him to make you the luckiest man on earth.

Time looks kindly on fleeting lovers
They can turn the briefest hour into a day
Turn a moment to a lifetime
Making it to last
Blending future with the past...

Ev'ry moment we spend together
I don't care what they say or try to do
Can't erase it, all that's gone between us
Half a moment shared with you


♥ ♥ ♥

Taylor Dayne | Don't Rush Me
Step five, stall. Do not, not set a date. Say you just want to wait until you’re financially stable. Say you can’t honeymoon in Bali in the summer because it’s monsoon season. Say anything. Just drag it out.

Red roses, temptation
You make the most of a iffy situation
I'm weighing my decision
Who's to say if it's love or if it isn't?
Only time will tell
Just how well I'll get to know you
Don't mean to lead you on
But I want to take it slowly, slowly

Don't rush me
I've made that mistake before, ah
Don't rush me
This love could be so much more
It's well worth the waiting for


♥ ♥ ♥

Helen Reddy | I Don't Know How To Love Him
Before you know it, six years have passed. You’re not getting any younger. He’s threatening to leave. You say, fine, fine, Jonathan, November 2nd in Big Sur.

Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool
Running every show...

Yet, if he said he loved me
I'd be lost, I'd be frightened
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope
I'd turn my head, I'd back away
I wouldn't want to know
He scares me so


♥ ♥ ♥

t.A.T.u. | Sacrifice
And as the sun is setting over the Pacific and you’ve recited your hand-written vows, the Rabbi asks, if you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, and you look into his eyes and say, "No way, fag, I am not gay!"

I will sacrifice
I will sacrifice
All I have in life
To clear my conscience


♥ ♥ ♥

Sister Hazel | Your Mistake
Then, your trap sprung, you turn on your heel, march right back up that aisle past your loved ones secure in the knowledge that he will never...(*choke*) be married to anyone. Certainly not you. And you can’t forget the look on his beautiful face when you told him. His eyes were like two dead birds. Oh, God...What have I done?

It's true, I'm blue
And without you

I'm not right, and I'm not fine
I wanna be rain that tastes like wine
I wanna be good, I wanna be great
I wanna be everything except for your mistake


♥ ♥ ♥

The Verve Pipe | The Freshmen
Saved marriage, that’s what. Well done.

I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen


♥ ♥ ♥

Rent | What You Own
And we’ve got to, because those people don’t love each other like we do.

And when you're living in America
At the end of the millennium
You're what you own

So I own not a notion
I escape, and ape content
I don't own emotion -- I rent


♥ ♥ ♥

Alanis Morissette | Doth I Protest Too Much
Once your job is well done, you go find yourself a nice girl. Maybe one of those Russian mail order brides. That’s still legal, right?

I'm not saddened
And I don't miss you
Cause I have moved on too
I'm not concerned about your new lover
Cause I have a new lover too

I'm not depressed
I don't get down that much
I'm not despondent
I am not dark as such
I'm never sad
Keep chin up, stays in touch
And doth I protest too much?


♥ ♥ ♥

Bonus | Cher | I Found Someone
(A coda from Jonathan's point of view, because after what he's been through, I wanted to give him a happy ending.)

Don't you know
So many things, they come and go
Like your words that once rang true
Just like the love I thought I found in you...

Dry your eyes
I never could bear to see you cry
Some day your love will shine through
And show you the feelings that you never really knew
But baby don't you lose that thunder
Talkin' 'bout that fire in your eyes
You're lookin' at me, but you still don't believe

That maybe, baby, maybe baby
I found someone
To take away the heartache
To take away the loneliness
I've been feelin' since you've been gone
Since you've been gone

Too long on the borderline
Wondering if your love was really mine
But you left me with open eyes


♥ ♥ ♥

(Fanfic Soundtrack Downloads)

♥ ♥ ♥


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