Entry tags:

story: tardis

Title: I Want My MTV (2/6)
Rating: PG
Series: The Colbert Report, Doctor Who
Spoilers: Anything through New Who S3/Torchwood S2 is fair game.
Summary: Ten extols the virtues of mysterious caves; and Four, Sarah Jane, and adult Stephen land in a tacky (yet strangely familiar) studio.

This piece of Ten art is weirdly Stephen-esque. I think it's the nose.

...er, so the arc phrase is this one word, which is often modified by two others, but not always. Um, don't get hung up on specifics, okay? Just look for the object that appears or gets mentioned, in some form, in every serial. Already guessed: "large blue box", "beach", "color", "truth", "butterflies", "Starbucks", "Tolkien", "Helen Thomas", and "the Wørd."

Beta by the fabulous stellar_dust. Table of contents, and footnotes, here.


I Want My MTV
Part Two


Earth: 1994.
The Doctor is in his fourth incarnation. Sarah Jane Smith is 29. Stephen Colbert is 44.

"Are you sure this is Earth?" asked Sarah Jane, looking around at the hallway in which the TARDIS had materialized. "It's in awfully bad taste."

"They haven't quite shaken off the eighties yet, poor things," observed the Doctor, holding up a device that looked like the mutant offspring of a disemboweled radio and an old-fashioned movie projector. "According to this, we're almost on top of the distress call. Keep an eye out for anything that looks out of place."

"That's a pretty broad category. Those curtains look out of place."

Stephen, behind them, didn't feel like keeping an eye out for anything. He had a pounding headache, and the terrible decor wasn't helping. (Windows with yellow shades, brown frames, and salmon curtains, next to blue doors and red-and-white walls? That would be painful to look at even without a hangover.)

Then they passed an open doorway, and he saw the most glorious sight he could ever have hoped for. "Wait! Stop here!"

"Did you find the ship?" exclaimed the Doctor.

"Even better!" Stephen was already at the counter, tearing open the box. "Instant coffee."


⇔

"Do you know," said Sarah Jane, "I think we're in a television studio."

She and the Doctor had left Stephen in the break room while they explored a bit further, and discovered an office (just as messy as the rest of the place) with a large bulletin board on one wall. Guest - Cynthia Gibb, read one of the notecards tacked onto it. No Money Playhouse Presents: Bad Wolf, said another.

"That's interesting," replied the Doctor absently, turning in circles as he studied his hastily-rigged scanner.

The desk in the office was a mess, covered with everything from mundane stacks of paper to such oddities as a Rubik's cube and a pile of PEZ dispensers. A pad of stationary caught Sarah Jane's eye.

"What is the matter with this thing?" demanded the Doctor, hitting the scanner with the heel of his hand. It let out a mechanical squeal of protest. "It seems to think we're right on top of the signal!"

Could that be the show's logo on top of the pad? It was upside-down, but when Sarah Jane tilted her head, she could see—

A yelp echoed from down the hall.


⇔

"What are you doing here?" demanded the man who had just entered the break room. He wore a ridiculously loud floral shirt, and his brown hair was wild and frizzy even though the hairline had receded nearly to the top of his head, but his expression of disbelief was nothing Stephen hadn't seen before.

"I'm having coffee! What does it look like?" demanded Stephen. The buzz was kicking in, his dulled neurons finally firing to life. He had no time for stupid questions!

"How did you get in?" exclaimed the man. "No, it doesn't matter. Get out of the studio, or I'm calling security."

"Hello there!" interrupted the Doctor, appearing in the doorway behind him. "So sorry to startle you like this. I'm the Doctor, and these are my friends. You've already met Stephen, I see. This one is Sarah Jane. Have a jelly baby."

The man with the loud shirt took the candy, but stared at it as if he weren't quite sure what to do with it.

Some meeting or other must have ended, because the commotion in the hallway increased throughout the conversation, and then there were two more people in the doorway. "Hey there," said a woman with grey hair and a sweater tied around her waist. "Friends of yours, Howard?"

"I don't know them!" stammered the man. "That one's stealing our coffee!"

A handful of new people joined them. It was a veritable crowd now.

"No harm done," insisted the Doctor. "Jelly babies all around, then? I hope I have enough."

"It's just coffee," protested Stephen, ignoring the dirty looks from the assembled. "It's not like I took your lunch! By the way, do you have any lunch you could share? I'm so hungry, I could eat—"

"Hey, guys, what's going on here?" said a voice from the back of the crowd. Its owner couldn't be seen over the heads of the rest, but every other person automatically moved aside, letting the speaker step through: an unassuming figure in a black shirt and acid-washed jeans.

Stephen started so violently that his coffee splashed across the floor.

"—Jon?"


⇔

Another Damn Planet: 7032

"Jack! Stephen!" The Doctor, who had been out of sight among the rocks for some time, was now scrambling across the landscape towards them, jumping nimbly among the boulders like a two-legged mountain goat. "Come on!"

Stephen jumped to his feet. "What is it? Did you find any evil plotting aliens?"

"Almost as good! I found a cave!"

"A cave," repeated Stephen flatly.

"What's wrong with caves?" demanded the Doctor, somewhat affronted. "There's loads of interesting stuff in caves! We could find mines, monsters, secret underground bases. Think of the possibilities!"

"We could also find more rocks," pointed out Stephen.

"You're welcome to stay here, if you like," said the Doctor. "Come on, Jack."

Jack was about to agree—it was almost reflexive—when he noticed Stephen's expression. "Thanks for the offer," he said, "but if you don't mind, I'm gonna stay with Stephen."

Now the Doctor just looked taken aback.

"Oh," he said presently. "Well. All right. I'll just be off exploring the cave, then. If you're sure?"

Jack nodded.

"Right. Stay out of trouble, you two. See you in a bit!"


⇔

Earth: 1994.
The Doctor is in his fourth incarnation. Sarah Jane Smith is 29. Stephen Colbert is 44. Jon Stewart is 31.

"'Jon'?" repeated Sarah Jane, looking from the newly coffee-stained Stephen to the diminutive man with his sleeves rolled up to the elbows. Of course. The half-glimpsed name on the upside-down logo. "Is this your Jon Stewart?"

"He's definitely the Jon Stewart, at any rate," confirmed the Doctor. "Jelly baby?"

"Can't accept food that's not factory-sealed," said Jon apologetically, holding up a hand. To Stephen he added, "So, I take it you're a fan?"

This finally snapped Stephen out of his deer-in-headlights stare. "'Fan'?" he exclaimed. "Don't be ridiculous! Your stupid faux-trendy not-funny talk show with the guests no one else will take and the set that looks like it was designed by a colorblind schizophrenic? I wouldn't watch this trash if you paid me!"


⇔

". . . and stay out!"

"Oh, well done, Stephen!" muttered Sarah Jane as she stumbled out onto the concrete. "How many establishments is that you've gotten us thrown out of? Sixteen, eighteen? I've lost count."

"I don't understand!"

"What is there not to understand? You talk to someone like that, they don't want you in their studio!"

"But it was Jon!" wailed Stephen. "He knows I don't mean it!"

"You can't—"

"Sh-sh-sh-sh!" hissed the Doctor, waving the argument into silence. He was looking up, and Sarah Jane reluctantly followed his gaze. Then she did a double-take as her eyes reached the roof.

"That is some really screwed-up architecture," said Stephen faintly.

"Only by Earth standards," the Doctor corrected him. "No wonder the scanner thought we were right on top of the ship. It was on top of us."