Entry tags:

story: tardis

Title: Truthiness And Relative Dimensions In Space: How Many Time Lords Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? (5/8)
Rating: PG (with ropes on)
Series: The Colbert Report, Doctor Who
Spoilers: Anything through New Who S4 is fair game.
Summary: Ten pulls a few Time Lord mind tricks to keep the young Stephen from snapping. Thanks to the Master, adult Stephen appears live on television for the first time in over a thousand years.

If you're not very invested in Who continuity, you can just sit back and enjoy the ride. But for those keeping track: The Master (Ainley version) and the Rani are just coming from the end of Time and the Rani, which is why they're together on a broken TARDIS. Four at this point has mostly encountered Delgado!Master. However, Ainley!Master has been met by all three of the Doctor's previous incarnations, during The Five Doctors.

Stephen's morbid streak has appeared as far back as 2000 (thanks, rissaofthesaiya!); but for the recent, and really unsettling, stuff, check out his one-sided conversations with his gun.

Table of contents, and footnotes, here.


How Many Time Lords Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Part Five


Ahnooie-4: 3792.
The Doctor is in his fourth incarnation. Sarah Jane Smith is 29. Stephen Colbert is 44. The Master is in the incarnation played by Anthony Ainley.

"You're quite sure you don't have any more in stock?"

"Very sure, sir," confirmed the shopkeeper, whom Sarah Jane privately thought looked like a giant talking ferret with spectacles. "We have many other fine products, though, if sir would like to take a look."

While the Doctor continued to ply the ferret-woman ("Are you quite, quite sure?"), Sarah Jane wandered the aisles of the electronics shop. It was the fourth one they'd tried, and, to her eye, the most normal: futuristic gadgets whose purpose she couldn't have guessed in a thousand years sat side by side with objects that looked like ordinary television sets. One of them was even showing an Earth program.

Sarah Jane stopped short. It wasn't just any Earth program.

It was Stephen's program.

And he was talking about time travel.

At first Sarah Jane was horrified that he had bared the secret so openly. On public television! On a show with an audience of millions! (Or so he had claimed.)

Then she listened to what the recorded Stephen was actually saying.

"I'll tell you what's really going on here, Nation. Here's my theory. Scientists already have the time machines, but they don't want the rest of us to see them. Why? 'Cause we'd see all the dials only go back six thousand years!"

While the figure on the screen carried on about the Bible and the fraud of evolution and scientists traveling back in time to plant dinosaur bones, Sarah Jane boggled. Here was a man who, in his younger days, had skipped all over the timescape (unless the future Doctor had made the TARDIS a whole lot more precise, which she found hard to believe). Odds were good he had seen dinosaurs.

How could a man be so vocal about beliefs that were so clearly contradicted by facts?


⇔

The Vortex.
The Doctor is in his tenth incarnation. Stephen Col-bert is 17. If Jack Harkness acted his age, he would be dead.

"Denial," said the Doctor. "He's good at that."

They were standing in the Zero Room. Well, Jack and the Doctor were standing. Stephen was sort of floating. The Zero Room was cut off from all external influence, up to and including gravity. It was too bad the Doctor had put him to sleep; he probably would have enjoyed it.

For the most part, Jack didn't feel any different in here, but the effect on the Doctor was obvious. His usual agitated energy had calmed. If Jack hadn't known better, he would have said that the Time Lord seemed almost serene.

"Denial?" he repeated. (Another result of the Zero Room's calming influence: the Doctor hadn't already launched into a frenzied technical explanation of what was going on.) "He's just pretending it didn't happen? Is that going to be enough?"

"It might be when he does it." The Doctor stared pensively at his fingertips, pressed lightly to Stephen's temples. "He's repressing so much already."

Jack wanted to come closer, but, not knowing whether he would help or hurt, decided it was safer to keep his distance. "Wait, what else?"

The Doctor's eyelids fluttered briefly. "Fear. Lots of it. The fear that no one will ever notice him, that he'll never be loved, that nothing he does will ever matter. Normal human insecurities, but he's got them all in spades, and seeing the end of the universe nearly overwhelmed him with the last one. I never should have brought him there. If I'd realized how close to the edge he was . . . it'll only make it that much harder when he . . . ."

He trailed off.

"When he what?" prompted Jack softly.

"Never mind."


⇔

Ahnooie-4: 3792.

"Sarah, unless you've found a TARDIS bulb or somebody is dying, I don't want to hear it."

"But Doctor, it's Stephen! Don't you want to see?"

The Doctor perked up immediately, hurrying down the aisle to join her. "Stephen? You've found him?"

"No, no, they've just got one of his old shows playing on the telly. You can tell it's from before when he met us because he isn't wearing that silly red bracelet he's so attached to. I made the mistake of asking what it was the other day, and got a half-hour lecture on the importance of wrist safety."

"But he is wearing the bracelet," pointed out the Doctor.

"Oh? They must have changed the program, then." Sarah Jane turned from the Doctor back to the television.

The program had changed, all right. Every television set in the row was rolling a new piece of Stephen footage, completely different from the clip she had been watching the moment before.

"Did they frequently tie him up on his show?" inquired the Doctor. "He doesn't seem the type. At least, not in public."


⇔

The Vortex.

"He's not the Master," said the Doctor abruptly. "In case you were wondering."

Jack had been trying not to think about that possibility. The idea that the possibly insane renegade Time Lord could have regenerated into this engaging young boy who threw all of his protective instincts into overdrive was too chilling to entertain for long.

"Not possessed, either. Well, there's one psychic energy being fluttering around his head, but it's not malicious. This was all his own destructive impulse."

"Why bring him into the Zero Room, then?"

"Well, I had to check, didn't I? If there had been some outside force messing with his wiring, this would be the easiest way to tell. But it's all him. Just the little voice in the back of his head, suggesting that maybe he ought to just burn it all down."

Jack started. "You're not going to just leave him with that! Are you?"

"I told you, he has it very well controlled. I could put in some blocks of my own, but I'm afraid I'd only disturb the system that's already there. He's resisting plenty of urges, and rejecting anything that might trigger them—up to and including quite a lot of reality."

"You make it sound like he's delusional."

The Doctor seemed to seriously consider this before answering. "No, I wouldn't say that," he said at last. "Just very attached to truthiness."

There was that twinge of familiarity again. As if there were something here that Jack ought to remember.

It was on the tip of his tongue . . . .

"And when it gets too much for him," continued the Doctor (scattering Jack's train of thought like leaves in the wind), "he'll gravitate towards strict rules, strong people—outside forces that can keep him together. For better or for worse."


⇔

Ahnooie-4: 3792.

Every screen in the store was now showing the same footage, and it wasn't Stephen's program. It wasn't any kind of TV program designed for a mass audience. Only a select niche of people would have appreciated it.

Against a nondescript grey backdrop sat Stephen, tied to a chair. Thick ropes wrapped around his legs and torso, holding him securely in place; though his head was bowed, the gag in his mouth was clearly visible. There was not a sound to be heard.

Something in the Doctor's coat chose that moment to start beeping.

Sarah Jane and the Doctor both jumped, then the latter frantically slapped three pockets before pulling out a hand-held communicator. "Hello?"

"Doctor!" came the reply. Sarah Jane could hear it loud and clear, not from the phone itself, but through the television sets. "It's been a while. How are you doing?"

"Master," said the Doctor through gritted teeth.

"Why so hostile, Doctor? Can't I just call to have a friendly chat?"

"You? No. What are you up to?"

"I did happen to run into one of your pet humans recently . . . ."

"I can see that."

"Ah, so you're near a television! Wonderful! That makes this easier." As Sarah Jane watched the screen, the Master walked into the frame and stood behind Stephen, a similar communicator held to his ear as he looked directly into the camera and placed his other hand on top of the captive man's head.



"Let him go," ordered the Doctor.

"Oh, I don't think so. Not unless you make it worth my while."

"I'm not helping you."

"Now, Doctor, you haven't even heard what I want yet."

"I don't care. Whatever evil scheme you're planning, I want nothing to do with it."

"Evil scheme? You wound me. We only need some repairs done to this TARDIS."

"And unleash you on a helpless universe? Nothing doing."

"That's a shame. It really is. Especially for your little pet here." The Master ruffled Stephen's hair possessively. "We'll call back in an hour or so, find out if you're ready to be reasonable."

The screen went dark.

"Master, don't—!" began the Doctor. It was no use. The call had already ended.

"We can't just leave Stephen with him," said Sarah Jane. "What are we going to do, Doctor?"

The Time Lord turned on his heel and stalked out of the shop, multicolored scarf trailing behind him. "Back to the TARDIS," he declared, as Sarah Jane hurried to keep up. "The light bulb can wait. We're just going to have to plan a rescue in the dark."


⇔

In the middle of one of the wide corridors of the sprawling mall that covered the planet's surface, a boarded-up little kiosk advertised Piercings: Ears, Noses, Webs, Fins, Snouts, And More: Coming Soon!

It looked just like any other kiosk that dotted the hall, but a perception field around it reinforced the idea in an onlooker's mind that it belonged there. Just in case someone remembered that the spot had been empty the day before.

Between this boarded-up kiosk and the next one (hawking calendars with cute infant mammals on the covers) stood a back-to-back pair of benches, and on one of these sat two humanoids. The girl, dark-haired and chubby-cheeked, was kicking her heels as she licked an ice cream cone. The adult looked deceptively casual; only a close examination of her eyes would reveal that she was scanning the area with almost military precision.

They waited.