|Erin Ptah (ptahrrific) wrote,|
@ 2008-06-12 12:05 am UTC
|Entry tags:||series: fake news, series: harvey birdman, series: movie, series: the ambiguously gay duo, story: drawing the line|
Series: TDS/TCR; Harvey Birdman; The Ambiguously Gay Duo; The Magic Roundabout (Doogal)
Disclaimer: This is a work of parody. Although reference is made to real persons and places, the dialog, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only. The animated characters are copyright various studios, none of which are mine.
In which Jon tries to talk some sense into Reducto; our heroes fly towards a secret base; Zeebad has limited career prospects; and Stephen is introduced to the difficulties of riding a vehicle shaped like the DuoCar.
Table of contents here.
Drawing the Line
Thrill Me, Chill Me
Stephen hunkered down close to the body of the DuoCar, wrapped his legs tightly around its length, and clamped his thighs together.
He wasn't scared. It wasn't like he had never flown before. And besides, he was in the company of four bona fide super heroes: the kind you called on when regular Heroes just didn't cut it. If he did happen to fall, they wouldn't let him hit the ground.
Still, better safe than sorry.
Stephen's train of thought was interrupted by a sudden realization. He had figured the greatest difficulty of traveling this way would be the wind resistance; but having something large, powerful, and thrumming between his legs was starting to take its toll.
What to do?
He was not going to lift himself away from the car. Ace and Gary seemed nice enough, but Stephen had a sneaking suspicion that they just might be gay, and he wasn't about to let the DuoCar crash because its drivers were enjoying a prime view of his throbbing man-meat.
And he wasn't about to let himself fall off, either. It was a long way down. No, Stephen would just have to suck it up—metaphorically speaking—and wait until the ride was over.
Shake it off, Col-bert. You can do this.
The DuoCar chose that moment to hit an air pocket.
Stephen said a silent prayer of thanks that his whimper was lost in the wind.
"I feel shrinky . . . oh, so shrinky . . ."
Jon stuck his head out the bedroom window. Reducto, wearing his regular outfit topped with a frilly pink apron, was singing as he dusted a huge machine, the kind that did something scientific and undoubtedly mad.
"Hey!" he shouted, as loudly as he could. This was still not very loud.
Reducto scurried over anyway. "Yes, Jon? What is it? Can I get you anything? A snack? A movie? Fluffier pillows?"
A one-way ticket out of here, Jon thought but didn't say. Instead he said, "I'm asthmatic. If I'm going to stay here, I'll need an inhaler. If you don't have one, you'll just have to let me go."
"Wait right there!" replied Reducto gleefully. "Just the tiniest little moment!"
Skipping back to the machine, he pressed some of its many glowing buttons. Gears ground; lasers hummed. It was actually a very long moment before he pulled out a tiny scoop, the contents of which he deposited on the windowsill of the next room over; but when Jon went to investigate, sure enough, he found an itty-bitty inhaler.
"That machine, there," he called. "What is it, exactly?"
"Oh, it's very simple," said the supervillain, and launched into a description so full of technobabble it would have made a Star Trek writer's head spin.
"Can you give me the short version?" asked Jon hopefully.
"I would love to," trilled Reducto. "It turns things—such as ordinary rocks—into other things—such as whatever you want."
"So, in other words, you never have to leave this cave."
"Unless, of course, you run out of rocks."
"True, true. But that's not likely. We're under . . ." He shuddered. ". . . a big mountain."
Harvey and Birdgirl landed gracefully outside the frost-coated iron doors of the icy secret lair. The DuoCar just rammed into the ground, with its poor rider clinging to the body for dear life.
As Ace and Gary hopped out of the cockpit and approached the doors, Harvey slipped over to the car and put a hand on Stephen's shoulder. "You all right?"
"Fine!" snapped Stephen, quivering very slightly. "Hurry up and break in, already."
"Sure thing." Rolling up his sleeve to reveal one of his power bands, Harvey aimed his fist and unleashed The Power Of The SunTM. Birdgirl did the same.
"Come on, Gary!" exclaimed Ace. "Let's shift into roll mode!"
And then they were wrapped around each other, teeth anchored on each other's belts, tumbling against the door.
"This can't last."
"I don't see why not," snapped Reducto. "I have everything I need to take care of you. You'll never need to dirty your exquisite little hands again. You've seen how well my machines work. What could possibly go wrong?"
"Uh, maybe the fact that my lawyer's a superhero?" countered Jon. "He's bound to come looking for me. He has a mandate to do good, and a case to handle."
"Oh, I wouldn't wait for Harvey Birdman if I were you," cackled the supervillain. "He'll never find us here. You might as well get used to it. Let me bake you some cupcakes! They're just like cakes, only much smaller."
As the door finally began to wear thin under the assault of the superheroes, Stephen eased himself carefully down from the DuoCar, feet crunching in the thin layer of snow. He didn't approve of secret bases being stashed in locales that were so cold, but at least the chill had taken care of his . . . discomfort.
With a spectacular explosion, the door blew inwards, and the superheroes charged through. "What do you think you're doing?" shrieked a voice from within.
And then he was running, leaping through the remains of the doorway, shoving the other heroes aside, a cry tearing itself from his throat: "Jon? Jon!"
"Time to am-scray," murmured Harvey, ushering the others backwards.
"You're a supervillain?" repeated Stephen, ignoring Harvey. "How come?"
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed Zeebad. "I'm a talking spring who shoots ice from his mustache! It's not like I have a lot of career prospects, here!"
"I guess you have a point."
"Although I haven't tried to freeze the sun or anything recently," the sorcerer continued, "so I don't see why you felt the need to blast a hole in my door. I mean, you could have just knocked."
"Yeah, sorry about that," interjected Harvey. "We were actually looking for someone else. We'll just be on our way now." With that, he grabbed Stephen around the waist, dragged him to the DuoCar, and plonked him down on its already revving engine.
"Dude!" cried Zeebad. "There's still a big hole in my door!"
"Send the bill to Sebben & Sebben!" called Harvey. "Bird-team—and company—on to the next base!"
"He sounded like Jon!" protested Stephen, shouting over the engine.
"It's just a regional thing!" Harvey shouted back reassuringly. "In England, he sounds like Doctor Who!"