Entry tags:

series: fake news, series: harvey birdman, story: drawing the line

Title: Drawing the Line, episode 1.01: Brooks Brothers Lawsuit
Rating: TV-14 (effectively, PG-13)
Series: TDS/TCR; Harvey Birdman
Disclaimer: This is a work of parody. Although reference is made to real persons and places, the dialog, actions, and content are products of the author's imagination only. The animated characters are copyright various studios, none of which are mine.

In which Jon needs a defense, Judy is enthusiastic, and Harvey gets the job. Meanwhile, Stephen is melodramatic, and Reducto does a lot of twitching.

Table of contents here.



Drawing the Line
Episode 1.01
Brooks Brothers Lawsuit


Looking out this window, you can see a beautiful view of Toontown, USA. A quiet little town, much like yours or mine. A city where ordinary people (and animals, robots, aliens, poorly drawn unidentifiable scribbles, etcetera) live in peace and harmony.

Or is it?

Most of the citizens think so. Happy and carefree, they go about their daily business—unaware of the earth-shaking conflicts occurring right under their noses!

Yes, this is a town full of danger. Supervillains are crafting insidious plots at every turn. Monstrous (but secretly lonely and misunderstood) creatures seek to rampage, wreaking havoc. Seemingly respectable, straightlaced businessmen run red lights.

And who protects the innocent from these dastardly deeds?

Why, none other than that winged warrior, that noble seeker of justice, that ever-vigilant super-est of superheroes—BIRDMAN!

Hark! The Bird-Phone!

"It's . . . really just a regular phone," protested Harvey.

"It may look like just a regular phone," declared Judy, who had built up a head of dramatic steam and had no intention of stopping now, "but that ordinary-sounding buzzing is a call to JUSTICE!"

"Right. Well, could you keep the narration down while I take this?"

"Of course! Right away!"

While his assistant turned back to the window and continued muttering dramatic introductory phrases under her breath, Harvey put the phone on speaker. "Yes?"

"Mr. Birdman? A Jon Stewart here to see you."

Judy broke off her monologue with a kind of strangled squeak. Harvey decided to ignore it.

"Send him in."


—


The office was relatively normal, at least as far as Jon could tell. Sure, there were a lot more primary colors, but the law books and the paperweights and the degree in its frame on the wall were official enough. You had to be willing to let go of some assumptions in this town.

Case in point: the giant purple eagle, gold collar around its neck, perched at a typewriter on the desk.

"Mr. Birdman?" asked Jon cautiously.

"Caw," replied the bird, shaking its head.

"Mr. Stewart! Hello! I was just sending my assistant out to get some coffee," exclaimed a refreshingly normal-sounding voice. "Harvey Birdman. Glad to meet you. Please, sit down."

Except for the huge off-white wings, the figure was human. The cowl (yes, in primary colors) was a bit of a distraction, but the suit was reassuringly dark. Subdued. Professional. Non-cartoonish.

Jon sat.

"This is my stenographer, Avenger," said Birdman, indicating the eagle, as he took his own seat behind the desk.

"Of course," said Jon. After all, an avian stenographer was no less weird than the anthropomorphic purple hippo who had joined him in the elevator. "Nice to meet you, Avenger."

"Caw," said Avenger politely.

"Now, Mr. Stewart, what can I do for you?"

"Call me Jon."

"Will that be all?"

He chuckled at his own joke. Jon tried not to wince. "No. Listen, one of my employees is suing me for sexual harassment, and I was hoping—"

"You're being sued?"

"That's right. By Stephen Colbert. You might have heard of—"

"Jon, you realize I'm a prosecutor, right? What you want is a defense attorney."

"I know, I know. It's just that he's hired one of your arch-nemeses to represent him, so I thought you might—"

"Who?"

I sure hope I'm pronouncing this right. "Uh, Reducto."

"REDUCTO!" shouted a voice behind him. "That fiend! He won't get away with this!"

Jon turned. Standing in the doorway was a young woman with a pinstriped suit, a red bob, a cup of coffee in one hand, and an expression that looked like it could cut steel. For all Jon knew, it actually would.

"My assistant, Judy Ken Sebben," said Birdman. "Um, Judy, we don't—"

"—allow innocent people to be victimized by supervillains!" finished Judy, striding forward like a one-woman army. "It's against the Bird-Code!"

The mask made the lawyer's expression hard to read, but Jon had the distinct impression that this was the first he'd heard of "the Bird-Code."

All at once the dramatic overacting switched off, and Judy set the styrofoam cup carefully on the desk. "Your coffee, sir." She turned to Jon. "You are innocent, right?"

"Yes," said Jon firmly.

"Great!" Judy struck a pose right off of a comic book cover. "We'll take the case!" she declared, tone ringing with the kind of certainty that made mountains spontaneously reconsider the relative benefits of their positions.

Then she smiled eagerly down at Jon. "Mr. Stewart, I just want to say, this is a huge honor. I love your show."


—




"A-and then h-he—he—"

Stephen dissolved into tears for the third time in fifteen minutes, sobbing on his lawyer's shoulder. Or rather—since Myron Reducto had very thin shoulders, and a very large head—on his lawyer's bald green pate.

"There, there," said Reducto cautiously. Nothing in his career either as a supervillain or as a lawyer had ever involved comforting a (fully grown) adult male who was wailing like a (tiny) baby. "It's all right. No need to make a big scene out of this. Just tell me the facts, one little step at a time. One eensy beensy little bitty teeny weeny baby step at a time."

"A-all right," sniffled Stephen, letting go of Reducto and blowing his nose on a court brief.

Muttering darkly about germs, Reducto held out a gleaming trash receptacle containing a (miniature) incinerator. He tried not to scream when Stephen crumpled the makeshift tissue and tossed it over his shoulder.

"It's like this," Stephen continued, then paused, tears welling up in his eyes. Again.

"Let's try something different," broke in Reducto. "I've got a plan. I'll describe certain situations, and you tell me if they happened. That way I'll do all the talking, and you just need to say 'yes' or 'no'. Just one little word. Do you think you can handle that?"

"Yes," said Stephen tremulously.

"All right. Has he ever . . . " Reducto twitched. ". . . forced you to engage in . . . carnal acts?"